Hello cErTiFieD p$ychOp@Th
I have just finished reading your piece, "Nightmare" , and would like to give you my opinions on it.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.
First Impressions: The first thing I noticed about this was the layout. I'm afraid that, like many of us, you have fallen into the trap of Block Writing. A lot of this story is fast paced, and filled with action. This requires short, succinct sentences and short paragraphs. Also, block writing is difficult to read. Space it out, and your story will be much easier on the eyes.
Grammar: A few things caught my eye in this category:
"But tonight there was something different about it. Something that nobody could explain. Something that made Michelle scream in horror and stare harder at the book" These three sentences feel like they should be part of one. Perhaps it would read better presented like this 'But tonight, there was something different about it; something nobody could explain, something that made Michelle scream in horror and stare harder at the book.'
"Michelle realized that she was no longer sitting on her bed in her lovely room. She was standing in the midst of a cemetery!" The period in this should be changed to a semi-colon.
"There was no doubt about it. She wasn't dreaming." I would miss out the 'She wasn't dreaming' part. It slows down the pace and lessens the tension, which is the opposite of the effect you're trying to convey in this story.
"But the figure ran after her, caught up easily and blocked her way. "Michelle, don't run from me." Start a new paragraph for every speaker. Keeping all speakers in one paragraph makes for difficult and confusing reading.
" "Ouch!", she exclaimed." You don't have to put 'exclaimed'. The exclamation mark would suffice.
There is one last thing I'd like to talk about; exclamation marks. These should be used sparingly. You use a lot of them in this story, too many for such a short piece. Also, only EVER use one at a time. Multiple exclamation marks do not add extra emphasis. Finally, do not mix exclamation marks with question marks, ESPECIALLY not multiple exclamation marks. These make work appear over-embellished, and amateurish.
Character: This is a very short piece, but the character behaves in a believable manner. I think that screaming at the cover of the book seemed a little over-the-top, but that's just my opinion.
Plot: The plot of this story is simple. I liked simple. Simple is nice and easy to follow. I feel that a bit more could have been done during the cemetery scene to add to the tension, but otherwise it was good, plot-wise.
Originality: And it was all a dream, or was it? This is not an original concept, but there is nothing wrong with that. Many of the best stories/books/films etc... are simply re-tellings of older stories, presented in a new way. You have done this in an unusual manner, but effective, manner.
Overall: Overall, this is a story with potential. Watch out for block writing. Believe me, your readers will thank you for it. Also, work on building the tension in your story. In a horror/scary story, tension and suspense are everything. Keep writing!
Thanks so much for sharing your work, and I hope to see more from you.
Write On!
Yours Sincerely
Ryan
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