i liked this poem, especially the first stanza. the rhyming scheme is excellent. the only problem i have with it is that the rhyming pattern does not continue except for "say/lay" and even that is the only pattern in that stanza. i would've worked on it a bit, but i guess poetry can be anything so a rhyming pattern throughout the entire piece isnt exactly "needed". but good job i enjoyed reading this =)
i like this, and, correct me if im wrong, but your friend Tim passed away, and i connect to this because my best friend Tim was murdered when we were both 11, so i feel your pain.
but as far as this poem is concerned, i really did enjoy it. i would, however, stick to just using 3 "tick"s every other line. when you added more of them it was rather distracting and i wanted to skip over those lines.
i read a bunch of your work. its dark stuff, but it really is amazingly written as well. as gruesome as some of the descriptions were, they were quite stunning. im concerned, however, about how you've been feeling as according to your work. just hang in there. BELIEVE me, ive been in the exact same spot you are in now, with my ex girlfriend. you have to understand that things are going to get better soon. even though it seems like it wont get better, it will. it always will. =) trust me. ive been through it all. writing is a great way to relieve yourself of stress, depression, and other things. i encourage you to keep writing, it certainly helped me in my darkest hours. you should also talk to people. when i went though this i didnt want anyone to know, but believe it or not talking can get things off your chest and it helps. doesnt matter who you talk to; it could be a friend or a FRIENDLY stranger (not just ANY stranger, just a friendly one). an example i think of is like going to a bar, or a restaurant or something and talking to the bartender, waiter/waitress, etc. if you wanna talk to me i'd be more than happy to help you. =)
just keep writing and hanging in there!!
-Rylek Blayz
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