What a difficult set of options to choose from. On the one hand, "decency" dictates that men should always ask and request and blah blah blah, throwing their coats over puddles and such. That's all fine, but the real world is something different. It's awesome when a girl/woman shows an active interest in you and doesn't bother hiding it behind a bashful veneer of tradition. Kudos to foreward thinking, I think it's time we Title IX the dating game.
Howdy there, just saw your piece as I was cruising around the website so I thought I'd check it out. I really enjoyed your poem. Most people often use repitition as a crutch but you strategically use yours for emphasis, and you do it well. I especially liked your last stanza, it was very dark and foreboding (unless I completely misunderstood it). A very fine job. Please feel free to stop by my port or to send more of your own stuff along for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy Bob Saget, just got done reading your story. First things first: your piece can easily move to the "4/4.5" range if you're open to some changes. There's a good core here but, in my opinion, just too many cliches and contrived phrases. Your entire first paragraph reminds me of some of the monologue from Terminator for whatever reason. There's no need for it to even be in the piece, I think, and it would make your second paragraph that much stronger. And as tiring as it is to hear, when you talk about the absurdity of it all, don't spell it out for me, show me (a la, show, don't tell). And your ending would be so much stronger if you just got rid of the last paragraph, having the story end as him being content rather than complacent (a very nice nuance). But these are just my thoughts. A good story with potential. Please feel free to review some of my own stuff or to send more of your along.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy LA, just got done reading this excerpt from your big story. On the whole, this is a very, very well written piece of poetry (obviously not quite an "upper", though). I think your poetry/imagery is much stronger in the beginning and middle as opposed to the end. Certain lines like "silence shivers into sound" really blasted me, awesome job. I just felt that the end of the poem wasn't as carefully constructed, not necessarily that it was bad. A very creepy piece, one that could be helped if perhaps you leave out parts of the body like blood/legs/etc. It could give it a much more enigmatic atmosphere. Well done, though. Feel free to take a look at my portfolio or to send more of your own stuff along for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy L.A. Powell, so I just got done reading your poem. One caveat: poetry is not my forte. That being said, I enjoyed your piece and it's somewhat cryptic wordplay. There are some phrases that I really like (malediction spread its magic black) that I think give your poem the whallop it has. However, I feel that my only suggestion is a possible reworking of the first stanza. I think the coursing inside/stirring is somewhat overkill, but that could be just me. Overall, a very fine job. Please feel free to stop by my portfolio or to send along more of your own stuff for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy smoochdog, just a litte caveat: I'm not a poetry person really so if it sounds like I'm out of my brain, then don't listen to me. Anyway, your poem was very interesting, I think more so than other people you don't necessarily "write" your poetry rather than craft it. I see a very deliberate manner in this that would have led me to believe you were some business/lawyer person (but then I read your profile). This is a unique thing that I enjoyed. Also, it seems like I would read one line and be kind of "blah" about it but the very next line, even if connected with the "blah" line before, was fantastic. For example, didn't particularly like "My sacrifices...you smarter" but I really enjoyed the last line of that stanza (go figure). But that could just be my poetic ignorance. Regardless, your last line was awesome and was what garnered you a 4.5 rating. Kudos to you. Please feel free to review any of my pieces or to send along more of your own work for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy Sherri, first of all thank you for your review; now onto yours. I enjoyed your poem, it brings a lot of questions to the table like who is this fairy, what magical dust does she have, etc. I like the fact that, whether intentionally or not, one of the few rhymes you have is the very crux of your poem: repair despair. A nice poem, succintly done.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy OneJaguar, first of all thanks for the review; now, onto your story. This was one of the more interesting stories I've read on WDC. I enjoy the fact that not only is it a rarely frequented topic, but also because the story itself ends up in a cool place. I think that sometimes your reliance on overused lines holds you back: "devil may care look", "twinkle in his eye," etc.; also, you switch tenses frequently, going from past to present (this may be intentional but it's sligtly offputting.) Regardless, you have a natural ear for dialogue, and this something that is hard to come by. A good story, nice little twist at the end, and well-thought out. Please feel free to review other stories in my portfolio (I'd obviously review more of your stuff as well).
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy shanelle, ok the first thing that I thought of when I finished your story was that your writing reminds me of a Salvador Dali painting: there are a lot of scary, frightening, surreal things happening in a context where nothing should be happening at all. Your writing is consistenly good, but you have the propensity to go for the knockout punch with your writing. This leaves you with incredible description "like the stench of gasoline" but also with lines like "every respiration attempt" and "piercing pain shoots through." Anyway, your writing is exciting, your ending was great. A very unique read. Please feel free to review out my short stories or to send along more stuff of your own for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy A.M. Pearce, first of all thank you for your kind review. Now, onto your story...in general liked it but there's something I take issue with. It's almost as if your story is streaky. I say this because your first five paragraphs are written very, very well but as soon as you get to the part about the broken chair (in my opinion), your writing changes a little bit. The sentence "There was an icy trickle..." just really rubbed me the wrong way when I thought of how good your writing was earlier. However, I thoroughly enjoyed the idea of the crafty grandma getting her own plan down...a nice touch considering we initially are meant to sympahtize with Susan. One possible recommendation: I like the ending but perhaps you could make it more dramatic/powerful by having her call the developer just afterwards to settle on the agreement. Just a thought. A nice little story, welcome to WDC. Please feel free to check out my short stories or to send more stuff along for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy Clea, I think you are only the third or so 4.5 I have given; I'm not guru but that's no small task. Beyond anything else, your piece intrigues me. A LOT. And you know what, the writing was really good too. Granted, there was a fairly decent amount of spelling/grammatical errors but that's easily fixed. I really don't have any negative things about your piece...some people might shout "Too vague, too confusing!" etc. etc. To a degree, that might be true. The reality is, you made me want to know, more than anything who the speaker was and who the audience was. And if you can make a really intriguing story without answering those questions, that is a gift in and of itself. Please feel to check out my portfolio (there's some absurd stuff in there you might enjoy) or send along more of your own work for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy tosca, so I just finished your (presumably) new story. It's the only story I've read so far from anyone on this website that I've genuinely had mixed feelings about. It's like your story, to me, is in three parts: the part about the dreaming/hypothesizing, the police interrogation, and the aftermath. I thought that the first part was so incredibly better than the others that I actually felt a little let down as the story progressed. I was going ga-ga about your piece until "when the police pulled the house apart..." but this could be just because I was expecting/wanting the story to go in another direction. I didn't like the police part and the last part (rich-poor-to rich again) was pretty decent. I did enjoy the story, though, don't get me wrong. I just think you put all your literary dynamite into the early stuff.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy Valeriya, I'm pretty new at writing.com so pardon any bumpiness on my part. I think you're doing a pretty good job of at least expressing Tzirel's condition. Perhaps one of the easist ways to go farther with what you have is for her to gas on and on about a relationship she had (after Jack asks her, "so what's been new with you" or whatever). She can realize as she's going that she's trying too hard to be impressive, but she keeps falling over herself about it. Also, an idea for having her express that she doesn't want him anymore is that he could be slightly demeaning/condescending, intentionally or accidentally. Either way, it seems that you will advance your story through Tzirel's continued talking too much/too enthusiastically. She has to blunder. Regardless, I enjoy your story and it's got fairly good description. Keep going Please feel free to review my short story ID#1302552 or to send along more of your own stuff for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy Martin Mills, I saw your story as a "related/similar" story to mine on my account page. What you have here is a very well written, quick assessment about your deplorable condition. (I loathe coffee) Your writing, on the other hand, I don't loathe. It's succint and clear, and although this is supposed to be non-fiction, I do feel a sense of honesty in the piece. Your quick pace makes this a very readable story. I feel like this should be in a "Confessions" chapter in an expensive travel book, it has that kind of professional vibe. Well done. Please feel free to check out my short story ID #1302552 or to send more of your work along for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy K.R., so I just took a little look-see at your story. At first, I was thinking that your piece started out a little cheesy/Lifetime Original Movie-esque. But, I think you really captured, with great accuracy, a very complex situation. And you quickly dismissed my assessment with realistic descriptions/dialogue that weren't hammy or felt forced. This, I feel, is extremely difficult to do and you do it well. You have a knack for understanding human interaction, at least in this situation. An easy "4.0" rating, in my book. Please feel free to review my short story or to send along more of your own for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy A.J. Garofalo, I'm fairly new to this writing.com stuff so forgive any bumpiness on my part. Your story seems to be a highly personal/auto-biographical one (just a hunch) which makes it interesting. I too have shared in your difficulty of writers block (18 years of my life) so I can relate. The strength of your piece, I feel, lies in your secondary description, in other words the little side sentences that may not be incredibly esstential to the story (dreams don't pay the bills). Not a whole lot of weak points or big glaring problems that I can see, just not a whole lot electrifying stuff either. Overall, pretty darn decent effort to overcome "the block". Please feel free to review my short story or to send along more of your own for me to review.
Peace,
ryguy
Howdy Sam Lovestone, thank you for reviewing my story. Now, to yours. Usually, I tend to stay away from this kind of fiction but I think you do some things pretty well here. First of all, you have a real knack for names (very underrated skill). Misery Ann is a sweet one. Also, I think you have a penache for comedy. For example, your "s*** on crackerjacks" line made me laugh quite a bit. There are a few grammatical mistakes throughout the piece (They're all yours.../his lips still brushing against hers/ and a few other random ones) but nothing horrible. I don't know if you want to try to make this a funnier kind of sci-fi story, but I think if you did you might really have something on your hands.
Peace,
ryguy
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Please feel free to review my short story ID#1302552 or to send along more of your own stuff for me to review.