This is a tender, personal item filled with emotion. There is much courage in writing about such a personal event––thank you for sharing. I'd recommend a few things to bring strength to the piece. You might reconsider the structure. Why not try an alternative order of events to break up the chronology? Perhaps begin with the singing of the hymn? I think that the lines of the hymn interspersed throughout the events of the day to break up the chronology might also spell the reader and add a lovely lyricism to the piece. I'd also recommend that you add more specific, sensory details to bring the reader into a sense of time and place, to offer more "showing" rather than "telling."
You've used a wonderful amount of dialogue to break up the narration which seems a real strong point of your narrative. In some places, though, the dialogue seems a bit stiff––can you make it more conversational and realistic? The phone conversation with your brother is a good example. The memory of touching your father's feet is really personal and intimate.
Again, this is a brave and personal memoir. Thank you for sharing!
I like the subject matter––you've resisted cliché topics and chosen a subject that is relatable and easy to picture. Still, I think your scene would have greater impact if you could give the reader more specific, concrete details of a particular road rather than "our region's roads and highways."
The word "tiresome" really hits home in the second stanza, evokes a powerful tone. Again, in the second stanza, I think specific, sensory descriptors could add real impact where "less patient motorists" and "speed limit" or "safety concerns" seem vague.
"Everything which can be struck" in the third stanza seems wordy, but the effect of the whole piece is strong. I like the idea of the traffic and the potential for danger juxtaposed against a common tendency to forget how close disaster may loom at such moments. The simile of the dog opening the final stanza may be a bit out of place.
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