What I liked:
metaphor - "It sounded like gravel going through a woodchipper."
humor - "Charlie handed him his phone, and it disappeared into the corpse-coat" This struck me as particularly funny.
Suggestions for improvement:
This line could flow better: "Vicky said with a ferocity that surprised Charlie, and batted the hobo’s knife away with a karate-chop swipe of her hand."
Perhaps something like:
"Vicky shouted with a ferocity that surprised Charlie, batting the hobo’s knife away"
This is a great story. I've had my own run-ins with the PC crowd. It always reminds me of George Orwell's book 1984 where the government basically took over the language so they could control the citizens. The same thing is happening with the PC garbage.
What I liked:
The story made me laugh and it also made me mad. Any time you can give your readers a powerful emotional experience you are doing something right. I liked that you stood up for yourself and what you believe. I also liked the real life examples you gave of how guarding our language is not helping, but hurting society.
What could improve:
I could not see any changes I would recommend. Keep writing... :)
Some of my own thoughts:
I read this when I was in college many years ago. It stuck with me. It is the best argument I have ever seen for why freedom of speech is important. http://grossmont.gcccd.cc.ca.us/bertdill/docs/indi...
I myself like much of what Rush says he makes many good arguments. But he sometimes comes across as a puffed up windbag.
Personally I’m a libertarian. http://www.lp.org which seems to bring the best of the left and right together into a happy medium.
Thank you for sharing this story. I can relate very well to this as I have chronic depression. I finally found some medicine that works and it treats the depression well. I still have episodes every now and again, but I manage very well for the most part.
Thanks for sharing some of your childhood experience and some of the challenges you faced. As a former know-it-all teenager I hate to admit that Mom knows best.
God bless.
To make the story better I would recommend tightening up a bit of the grammar. For example when you quote the Birdie poem there's a missing end quote.
I like this. Growing up in northern Utah every spring I would see hundreds of white butterflies. What amazed me was that often they would land on my finger, rest for a moment and then flutter away. My dad told me they really weren't butterflies, but cabbage moths. He said to many people they are pests. To me it they were a sign that spring had arrived.
Thank you for sharing your writing and reminding me of a boyhood memory.
What I liked:
The story overall. I've been in similar circumstances. And have encountered pan handlers. It's difficult to know what to do when you know that any donation made will likely go to buy drugs, etc. I'm LDS (Mormon); forgive me, but this reminds me of a scripture:
For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God.
For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil.
What could be better:
I was a bit confused about who you were referring to in this sentence:
As soon as she finished, the lady headed off toward the platform.
First what I liked:
Use of what the main charaters was feeling, smelling, tasting, etc. was excellent. Trying to figure out what the "Noisy somethings, pricking her skin" were was fun. I didn't guess right, I thought they may be nails or tacks or something like that.
What could be improved:
It is difficult to find anything that I didn't like about the story. I suppose I'm not sure why a silver key in the mouth of a corpse would make Teresa scream.
You asked for suggestions for a title. Since this is obviously a horror short story. How about: Corpse Key
I'm not a lover of poetry, but I really liked this poem. It flows well, is not too flowery, and uses a nice blend of symbolism and conflict.
I really like the first verse as you describe a waterfall as being both chaotic and harmonic at the same time. I like paradoxes where two opposite things seem to contradict, but at the same time are true.
I enjoyed this story very much. I rated this as a 4.5 only because I want to give you a 5.0 rating when you have devloped this into a novel or short story with more character development and dialog. I'm looking forward to it!
Now I know that all the strange dreams I've been having lately are actually alien communication and evolution. Thanks, that clears things up for me
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