I found this very meaningful. It is full of pain and confusion. It reads like a personal experience. Some will relate to this and it will prick the conscience of others. Me for instance but we are not going there!
Poetry is complicated. The fact is it is more fixed and complex in form than many think. There are strict rules. Your poem is written in the closed rhyming couplet form. Strictly speaking, the meter must be the same in each line. It is like writing music. It is in fact verbal music. When properly written the reader can hear the music in the rhyme. You have done well here, I enjoyed it.
A good poem flows effortlessly,naturally. A bad one is laboriously contrived,and it shows. Yours is the former, two thumbs up!
one small thing. You wrote: "How can I undo, what I don’t know what I did?
How can I see it, when it all is so clearly hid?"
I would word it as below.
How can I undo, when I don’t know what I did?
How can I see it, when it all is so clearly hid?
It is just that: " what I don’t know what I did" sounds a little clumsy to my ear. Some may argue that my line demands the inclusion of the word. That would mess the meter up though. Writing poetry is easier said than done!
My goodness! This is an amazing piece. I cannot fault it.I can however praise it. It is full of deep meaning. It is poignant and personal. Full of intensity. It is something many can relate to and relive long past pains. It is part pf life. Sadness and loss. It oozes despair and grief.It is moving. What was the point, you ask? The point was that you loved. To love is the most wonderful experience there is! This piece highlights the high cost of love. Love is worth it though. That is the real point,love is worth the pain and despair,we just have to remember the joy and relive it. Maybe you could put that positive spin at the end of this piece? Or not,it is perfect as it is.
A very promising story.It has a kind of mystical intensity.I found it quite moving.
A couple of suggestions for you: You wrote: "I have not seen him before. I had just opened the shop and there were only three or four customers in the shop."
What do you think of this?..."I had not seen him before. Having just opened the shop, only three or four customers had come in."
"He looked restless and was walking up and down the shop with a tensed look."
"He looked tense as he paced back and forth."
To double the tensed look in his face, the sun peeped in through the window.
At last he zeroed in a book which read: "Eat, Pray, Love".
"The early morning sunlight seeping into the room accentuated his tenseness. His attention settled on a book finally and he read the title under his breath,his lips barely moving. "Eat,Pray,Love."
It really is a great little story. I mean that,keep writing.
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