On first read, I thought that this was going to be a scary story. It just had that kind of vibe to it, like there was something sinister behind the sound. Credit to you for this, because of your excellent use of suspense and dragging out the search. The buildup was incredible. Then the twist, where I realized that you were going a little "Dark Tower" on me, and that the conclusion I was looking for wouldn't happen. That's okay, though, because I also realize that no explanation could do justice to the mystery it was shrouded in in my head. Well done, sir. Great ending.
Oh, wow. That certainly took an interesting turn about halfway through. Red paint, huh?
This is well written, though the dialogue could be fleshed out a little more, that is, to include some breaks and descriptive sentences that cut in between the back-and-forth of quotations, but maybe that's what you were going for, and the lack of descriptors was meant to give this a certain air. If that's right, well, then, mission accomplished! As always, keep writing!
Well, the vocabulary IS confusing. But that's good. Overall, this is written with a fresh mind, fresh ideas. The steel-jeweled-hybrid snake races are definitely original, and a mechanic that could provide some weight to the story. The idea of the luxdiscs, though I'm not entirely filled in on the whole concept (again, a good thing; it hints at more to come) is also brilliant and fresh, and you see far too few original fresh concepts in fantasy/sci-fi.
If I had one thing to pick at, it would be the first thing I noticed when reading, and then noticed it throughout. When editors, publishers, etc., look at a story, they usually don't read past the first paragraph if something doesn't stand out to catch their attention, usually the first line. The first line or two of a story should be powerful, have an effect. Ditto for key moments in scenes. Maybe you should rework the key shifts, such as when Anouk's cobra is bitten by the Rattler, and the first paragraph, and try to add lines there that are POWERFUL, unique, that hint at something not told, that HOOK the reader and make them want to uncover the rest.
This is great. Incredible writing and sense of vision, sense of scope. I've always thought that our dependence on technology will one day lead to something like this. Imagine The Dark Tower, where technology has collapsed and the world has forgotten how to restore it.
I could easily see this story as a great novel, and also as a movie. You should flesh it out, bring it up to 60,000 words or so, and find yourself a literary agent. There are few things I read on here that show a degree of promise for breaking through into the national mainstream environment. You definitely have it. This is a great premise, told masterfully.
"With war, it is always the same story." That whole paragraph is amazing. I actually quoted that on my facebook. Honestly, the writing style was something that kind of put me off at first with the breaks between thoughts and quotes, but after I got into it a bit, it just felt right. Natural. And a bit of a sense of ominous foreboding, maybe. Like expecting an 8x10 room on the other side of a door, and stepping into a mansion instead. It hints at a depth that one can't imagine the extent of, and that there is a LOT more to tell, and more so, a lot more that I want to read. Bravo.
"To Be a rock...waiting silently for submergence." That's beautiful. Eloquent. It's something that you don't realize what some such simple thing means until someone paints it in a light like you have.
All in all, this is fascinating. It's something of substance, something to be chewed and digested, absorbed. And if someone would ask me what the story was about, my only response would be that I couldn't put it into words; That only by reading it could one know its meaning.
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