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Review by SBourelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love the idea behind this story and it's inspirational theme. A child in a similar situation as Lilly could easily be inspired by Lilly's courage and strength. I found that I was inspired by it.

The biggest issue I have with the story are the short, simple sentences. To me they create a choppy feel to the flow of the story. I realize this is a children's story and that could be why you're keeping the sentences simple, but I think they could have more flow and still keep their simple structure.

As an example let's look at the beginning.

"Lilly was a lively little country girl. She loved her goat Gracie and to ride her pony P.J. She loved to ride her bike and to swim. Lilly also liked to run and play and jump on the trampoline."

These four sentences could easily be combined to create better flow.

"Lilly was a lively little girl who loved to spend time outside running, swimming, jumping on her trampoline and riding her bike. She also enjoyed spending time with her lovable goat, Gracie, and riding her pony, P.J."

The two sentences are still saying everything that the four said, but now they flow better and make for a more pleasing experience.
I left out "country" because I felt it was one adjective to many. I think "lively little girl" works better. I also took out "playing" because the other activities are playing, so I felt it was redundant to say it.

These are my personal feelings about the story. Maybe you are writing it for very young children, if so then the short sentences make sense. But for kids a little older, I think your message would come across better with more flow.

Take care and thanks for the story.
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