The concept and grab of this opener are great. I think everyone has a dark past that is kept hidden from the light. My heart rate ramped up at the prospect of a reveal by your character.
I don't care much for first person stories, especially if it lends itseIf to a lot of narrative. If you tweaked it to third person, I think I would like it better. The story line is stiff: 'as we walk to the table' - maybe the floor boards are pitching like a boat about to capsize or the tile pattern is swimming. I want to see the spot where Dean had slept instead of an empty bed. I want something about how the ring looks against the grain of the oak table. How does Dean know the change in her? - I am unable to see it. Maybe he normally spins the spatula habitually, and the spinning stops, and she knows that he sees through her. The last sentence is a long speech, like it is rehersed - needs to be broken up as she gropes for the words to express herself considering that her head is spinning and the firm ground of her life has just fallen away from her. I would cherish some visuals of Amber. Without her looking in a mirror, I won't see them.
All in all I am very ready to see where this opener takes me. I have a strong feeling that this might be a roller coaster ride without a safety bar.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rstanley
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 8:16pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
