A well crafted poem with consistent rhyme and engaging self-deprecating humor.
Very clear picture of how things play out in your world of living in the moment of the afterthought.
As one with the same affliction, I quite sympathize with your circumstance, but at least you write fast.
I would have had to spent 4 hours on such a poem! It's the quality that matters, not the speed of delivery.
Some of us just have a more elaborate wind up before we deliver, and nothing wrong with the unexpected twist of a slow knuckle ball either.
All the Besr!
Much misinformation and too one-sided a piece. Doctors are big pharma DRUG PUSHERS, and drug companies (not lawsuits) have incentivised them into over prescribing.
Big Pharma fakes their efficacy tests and hides harmful side effects for greed. Bayer executives proceeded to KNOWINGLY ship HIV contaminated Factor-8 to thousands of hemopheliacs worldwide, AFTER they discovered was contaminated - FULLY AWARE IT WOULD KILL PEOPLE!. No criminal murder prosecutions ever resulted! Yeah, "as much money as they can in the short time that they have market exclusivity,"
Big pharma totally dominates med schools into teaching doctors to have drugs be the 1st answer for all health rpoblems. What about diet & lifestyle issues?
I don't agree with a profiting-by-refusing-to-pay-for-my-treatment system.
The largest healthcare insurance companies refuse to pay from 40-28% of claims submitted to them.
The more they refuse, the more profits they make.
All other civilized countries regulate by dis-allowing profits. If having a non-profit government run public option is the only way to force realistic pricing, then to bad for the greedy. Lets see how much profit they can squeeze out of those who are wealthy enough to not care about being ripped off.
What other kind of insurance is there where you can pay for 10-20 years with no claims, and then as soon as you have a problem, it is up to them to decide whether or not they are going to cover your situation? =NONE!
This poem well conveys the torments of a returning vet.
There is good effort to maintain end-of-line rhymes, but not without some awkwardness.
A little more effort toward rhythm and number if syllables could strengthen the poem's impact.
This poem well deserves to receive just a little more revision.
For my favorite stanzas, some examples of how slight tweaks can improve flow:
Torturing the innocent, killing the poor
And =>for this<= they call me a hero of war?
A hero of War! Is that what you see?
=>No<= further from truth could you ever be.
As sleep evades me night after night
My former self fades, falling further from sight
Visit my portfolio to view some of the most politically hard edged poetry on this website.
I love your mono-rhyme, as I use it too.
Your honest self assessment also shines through.
You can still kick it up a notch or two:
I would rate this piece a point higher if the rhythm-flow-syllables per line aspects were bit tighter.
Illustrating this, you might enjoy a similar theme mono rhyme poem of mine:
Dream a High.Way
Hi Robin,
I spent a lot of time reading through this new poem. It is just the kind of piece i love to see shining brightly at WDC
The strength of your message resonates clearly, revealing the truely depraved nature of our sad excuse for a leader.
The construction still seems a little off in places, and I'm sure these will improve with a little more time and effort.
Often it is just a little rearranging or word swapping that takes those sections up a notch.
A few ideas/suggestions/examples ----
All hail to THEE, our mighty chief
I speak of he who rules our lands;
On which, we thought, world freedom stands…
Your saddle, Cowboy Bush, get off!
I beg you cease to scheme and scoff
These words, we think, MUST MARK your grave,
MOST SURELY missing will be – brave.
YOU LACKED THE gallantry to lead…
So on your headstone it shall read:
Poor ol G.W. LOST his chance
To heal our ills and thus advance
Our world into an age of peace -
Where war and hatred WOULD then cease.
Instead he chose the brainless path
Where mighty egos PLANNED their wrath
Around their smug and foolish days.
You failed us, George. Let’s count the ways…
I wonder if "The Unopened Door" might not make a better title?
Excellently written. The flow of words and thoughts always come around to a tight wrap-up so well in your poems. Yet you leave the space open for more thinging at the same time!
Minor correction "There's millions" => There're millions
For the sake of meter: => Left clues all around US For science to tout
It's not what's behind the "closed door" that intrigues me -- it's what's behind the CLOSING of the door that I want to understand.
I don't buy into the idea that "faith gets me through" to other side of the closed door, straight into heaven.....and stop at the collection plate on my way too please.
What if life is just empty and meaningless. What if that very fact ASLO doesen't have to mean anything either? You see for most people, it translates into "life sucks, if there is no meaning".
I like the overall flavor and sarcasm here. Some references may be too subtle for me. Is that Enron-Kenny? Donald versus Rummy or D-Rum? Worthy hire -- worthy of what?
I'm a big fan of merged words with synergetic meanings - sheeple! The rhyme is solid and I would rate higher except for the drift on the fairly consistent 8-syllable lines. Meter of some lines wants attention => As Dickie counts the barrels twice.
While Justice he so rudely mocks
The last two lines need some work. too much happening in just two lines. I suggest => flys home, in place of "is comming home" This poem well deserves a little more work. All the best. -Armadillo
If I hadn't belived it with my own mind, I wouldn't have seen it!
Not so clear on how I should be reviewng this - as a graphic design effort? If so, then a lot depends on what the intended goal was in executing the design. Not knowing this forces me to make assumptions.
As to the statement itself - if I imagine myself stepping into the path of a fast moving bus, and having it just pass right through me , this will never be real. Is it because my imagining of such an event was too weak, being tethered somehow by the known bounderies of physical reality? Or is it really just a weak imagination that keeps me stick within the confines of a restricted level of reality?
As far as your image goes, It looks very realistically woody. I seems rather dark, drab, and weakly contrasted. The font designs seem well crafted and carved, yet the letters are aligned rather poorly.
All the best - Armadillo
I felt the emotional tensions of the dysfunctional family very deeply and these scenes were well crafted. Overall point of view was a little too heavily tilted toward your perspective, else I would have likely rated this a five. Good presentation of descriptive details. The time shifting worked well for me despite being a quite short story. Overall a very engaging and satisfying read.
A touching picture tenuously poised to turn things a new way with the tide. Still, the abrupt uncertainty at end lets me down a bit, as it seems the one who knows all the the answers has only questions to give.
I find this to be s very interesting read in light of the current high level of attack on this wall, and the Supreme Court this very week allowing a huge liberal breach of this wall with the Executive branch being allowed to assign certain federal funding for clearly Christian organizational activities. The points of view of both sides are fairly represented. The arguments are made clear. I would only encourage a greater focus on questioning why it is that various esteemed religious leaders cannot comprehend this this essential element of the Constitution, and must continue to aggressively push to neutralize it when it comes to their own agendas?
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rrledford
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 6:13pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
