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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings Mari,

I just read your poem,"See Me, Hear Me, Feel Me,"and wish to share my comments about it with you.

You have written such a powerful piece. I really like it. You have made some excellent word choices, the poem flows well, it's message resonates loud and clear, and I didn't notice any errors in this piece.

So, all thats left for me to say about it is, Fantastic! This piece is deserving of high praise...you've done a great job.

Thanks for sharing your poem. I look forward to reading more of your work soon.

All the best from,
Boston
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2
Review of Just Let It Be ~  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Greetings Abe,

I read you poem,"Just Let It Be," and would like to share my thoughts about it with you.

This poem is really about betrayal of trust and hurt. You opened the poem with,
"I trusted you
Your such a liar."

Betrayal of your trust. That really hurts. I've been there.

You start to blame yourself. "What did I do?
The poem is full of emotion and speaks of a broken heart due to lost love.

I like the poem, however I feel that it could use a bit of polishing to make it better.

One example would be in the first verse. In the last two lines of this verse I would use the pronouns [I] ....I gave you everything." I think that sounds better and adds more dept.

You can play around with these things ans for yourself how it can improve your poem.

One thing that I am learning is to set a piece aside for awhile. Then, much later, revisit it. You will be surprised at just how many improvements you will be able to see. It is like having brand new eyes.

I enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem. Keep up with the writing. That is how you improve.

Best wishes from,
Boston
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Greetings,

I just read, "Family,Friends, Pets, and More," and would like to share some of my thoughts on it with you.

First let me say that I am not sure if this would constitute being classed as a poem. I don't know...I may be wrong. Maybe better a statement or a quote or something of the short. At any rate, I will continue.

I agree with you, especially were pets are concerned, that they can open doors to a new life...certainly make life much more pleasant.

Pets offer unconditional love. I find them to be loyal and true. Caring for a pet, loving it, is good in many, many, different ways. Both you and the pet benefit greatly.

Pets can relieve stress and studies show that a pet can lower blood pressure. They make wonderful companions and even can help children developmentally.

Friends, people friends, are also good if they are genuine. A good friend is certainly a blessing, as is family.

There is much more you can say on this topic. Draw out from yourself, all of your feelings and emotions, then start writing them down on the page.

At first do not worry about style, form, or any of these things. Just get it down on paper. Later, when your putting together what you want to say in the form of a poem, a story, or whatever, you will then work and re-work on those other things, polishing them to perfection.

I look forward to reading some of your other work soon. Keep writing-it will only make you better. You are already off to a good start.

WDC is a great place to improve your skills. There are lots of good people here that will help you. You also will find a good source of information on this site.

Best Wishes from,
Boston
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Review of Emotions  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings Lea,

I just read your poem,"Emotions," and want to share my thoughts with you about this piece.

The title for this poem is appropriate since the body of the poem encompasses all that...emotion.

You also have made some good word choices, however I feel that in some areas, better choices could be made. I'll get back to this later.

You were able to show the different emotion throughout this poem so your message came across well.

One of my favorite parts of your poem is;
"Now spring is autumn
Summer is winter
Hearts have turned to stone"

But then you wrote the last line of this verse as,"Our passion no longer simmers."

To me this seems a little too abrupt. I feel it kind of breaks the flow. It needs something more... once a rose full bloom now passion had withered and died..or something to make your idea a little bit stronger...more intense.

Also, the same thing applys to your last line of verse five. Maybe..the love that we once shared, for example.

A little Change in phrasing in these areas, I think, would improve this poem.

I like this poem. I would like it even much more with some polishing. It is worth the effort because it is, as the title says, emotional and it is indeed, a good poem.


You've done a fine job, Lea. I enjoyed reading, "Emotion" and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

My opinions and suggestions are just that...my opinions. They are in no way criticism intended to be hurtful in any way. Do as you wish with any suggestions I offer...it is your poem.

Keep up the good work.

Best wishes from,
Boston
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Review of Accusations  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Elise,

I just read your poem,"Accusations." I feel that you have expressed, through this poem, the current trend in today's speech and thinking process.

"A bird isn't a bird anymore.." People are afraid of Calling something, what it is. Oh no, must not offend...even when that something needs to be addressed and offended.

There are no absolutes....everything has become relative, and for the sake of being PC, we sometimes lose some truths. "We echo alone and shut our eyes tight."

You have written a good poem and made some very good word choices while doing so. Smile, be proud, because you've done an excellent job.

All the best from,
Boston
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dawn,
I read, "Don't Save the Manna," and liked it. What a wonderful testimony of the love of Christ and His guidance and care in the life of His believers.

I can never seem to equate the permissive will of God and His perfect will for us. It blows my mind...I don't comprehend it. Then again, man's wisdom is foolish to Him.

Dawn, I can relate. If you only knew the trouble I got myself into through the years because I had to be in control.

I'm stubborn, I will be shown the way, but yet take my own path. Make matters even worse, I am a repeat offender too.

Done so many times through my sixty six years. I know God is patient and graceous. And, I am so fortunate, even more so, that He is merciful.

Yes, His permissive will. He let's me go my own way even when deep down, to the very core of my being, I know...I'm doing wrong.

Don't misunderstand. I have caused myself a lot of problems because I had to have it my way. But, I often wonder why He couldn't have prevented some of my wrong behavior because it hurt others too.

He knew me before I was born...before the foundation of the world. That is mind blowing. Therefore, he knows everything about me. Even, what I am going to do before I even do it. He knows those wrong decisions I am going to make next year or five years from now.

I apologize, I' m rambling on here.

Anyway,your piece was a good read. It brought out some of these emotions in me and I just sounded off on you.

Nice work. I did find one small typo but I have forgotten now where it was...sorry. I should have jotted it down.
Best wishes from,
Boston
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Review of Tears that fall  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Casey,

I did a read through of you poem,"Tears that fall." My first impressions was a bit mixed. A little confusing, quite frankly.

Maybe some separation into some sort of verses would help. To me it looks like one long verse.

You start out nicely:

"Don't you see?
Those Tears falling
From her eyes
Don't you know?
Why she tells
All those hurtful lies"

Let's look at those same words placing the question mark in the proper place. Also, changing the layout a bit.

"Don't you see those Tears falling from her eyes?

Don't you want to know why she tells all those hurtful lies?"

Does this suggestion seem any better to you. They are all your own word choices and the meaning stays the same, I think so. Don't you?
Or maybe you can keep it the same and just space the lines differently to separate.

"Don’t you see?

Those tears falling
From her eyes"

Don’t you want to know?

Why she tells
All those hurtful lies.

Here is the part that gave me a problem:

"But there not lies at all
Just every which way
She’s had to fall"

I am not sure of your meaning here. They are Not lies at all but ways she had to fall?

Do you mean that she had to tell lies in order to make excuses for her falls?

Also, I think the word you were looking for is [they're] you wrote there. A mistake I often do too.

"Can’t you hold out a hand?
And put her misery
To its end"

Hold out a hand? To help catch her from the fall or to mercifully put an end to her life? I'm not sure which one, if any of these, is your intended meaning.

But, I am going to assume the latter because of the next part.

"Please
She can’t ask again
She’s sewn her lips
Through the ends
Waiting for the news
To be given
That she has finally
Met her end"

She has been asking for her end to come. She asked him before and now asking again.

If this is my correct analysis of the meaning, then I understand the darkness in this piece. You finally end with:

"With the tears rolling down
She falls [to] the ground
With not the smallest sound"
I probably would use [upon] the ground. Just suggestion.

Casey, don't take my comments and my take on your poem too harshly. It is not meant to be that way.

I simply am sharing with you suggestions. If they help you fine. If not ignore them. I am no expert.

I did enjoy looking at this poem though. It shows promise.

I think you should keep working on this. Also keep writing' but most importantly... Have fun doing so. Enjoy!

Very best wishes from,
Boston
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave,

I really like this piece. It is an`oh so honest look at how many people are living and how too many people just ignore, thinking that the problem will just, go away. They really do not want to care, see, or take into consideration the less fortunate.

The poem is a shocking contrast to the usual "peace on earth good will towards men," time of year..good feeling...Christmas.

Vs five and six are my favorites. No, correction...I can't choose a favorite because I love the entire poem.

I am no stranger to Hymnal measure. I am a musician and have been one from an early age playing Hymns, in church, for youth group.

However, I do like how you placed an author's note at the end of your poem so that others can read and learn about it. I think once they understand they can appreciate the poem even more.

A Wonderful poem, Dave. Great job! Keep em comin'

It's been a pleasure reading and sharing my thoughts with you about,"A Homeless Holiday."

Best from,
Boston
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Review of Carolina Morning  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
Here are some of my thoughts on "Carolina Morning." I can relate to this piece originally coming from a mountainous area. And although it wasn't in the Carolinas, it was still beautiful none the less.

You painted some fine imagery with you well chosen words and, with them, you were able to place your readers right there, at dawn with you. The reader is experiencing the beautiful sights and sounds of the majestic mountain range.

"The sun reaches even higher and explodes with a brilliance which reveals a sky that only God could have painted."

Beautiful! Yes indeed, for God is the author of all things. From the psalms, "The earth is the LORDS and the fullness thereof and all they that dwell within" My loose translation. I would have to look up the exact reference, but you get the idea, i'm sure.

I find amazing, that one of the ways God speaks to us is through His creation. I am always puzzled why many people just seem to miss that.

I did find one typo in this piece...not that I was looking for grammatical or spelling errors. Of all people to judge that...I am terrible at those things. However, you wrote,...the sun fills my [sole] I think you meant soul.

Good job! I enjoyed reading your piece and also sharing with you my thoughts on it as well

Keep up the good work.

Regards from,
Boston
10
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Review of Bath  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Cassie Hall,

I like your name. Can't figure out just why yet, but it does have a nice rhythm to it........by cassie Hall. Sounds so smooth.

But I digress. That particular thought just went through my mind. So, onwards! Now my review of, "Bath."

The title of this piece is appropriate, although it could have been titled any number of different things since, as I see it, is not really about the bath, is it?

No, it is about much more than that. One needs to look much deeper than just the two inches of water that the person is bathing in.

The water is superficial, I think.

I feel that the focus is, or should be, more on the cracked paint on the ceiling that is being stared
upon.

It's representative of maybe the struggles of life, the cracks in the soul, and all of the deep scaring with fresh open scrapes that one has acquired from lifes' daily poundings throughout time.

Just the very essence of sitting in the bath helps by soothing...by anesthatizing...even if it's only for a while, it helps. It feels great and refreshing.

You lose yourself in the bath. Removed from troubles by being made unaware of them...closing the curtain on the world, for twenty minutes or so. It becomes an escape.

Is it all worth it? Why of course it is... It's very much needed.

The cost of the water bill is tiny, microscopic even, in comparison to the true value of bath time.

Nice poem, Cassie Hall. I really enjoyed reading it and likewise sharing my thoughts on it with you.

Keep up the good work.

Regards from,
Boston
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Review of I REMEMBER  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
Nice piece that is very well written. By the use of some fine word choices you succeeded in being able to convey the thoughts and emotions of a young eight year old girl to your readers. I enjoyed the read.

My only suggestion is that it could have been a little bit longer. Nice job though.
Keep up the good work,
Boston
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Review of Confession  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Sera June,

I came across this poem today. Interesting piece. Much more than just "free form ramblings" as you put it.

I felt tension as I read and this tension kept on building up to the end where you were able to bring in release with your last six lines. I think you were able to accomplish these tense moments by the use of the shorl, simple sentences, which you used. Ie. What now? Do I leave him? I screamed. I cried. Etc. These typres of short sentences work very well in writing and can really build up action when used properly.

No place in this poem did you mention what his addiction was, and that also works. Let the reader guess. To me, I imagined it was a sexual addiction, but it could be a number of other things just as well- drugs etc.

At any rate, I liked the poem and the fact that your characters were able to work it all out. Very commendable for the victim of his addiction, who, for as hard as it is, was able to forgive. Nice job.

Keep writing,
Boston.
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi LaVonne,
Nice piece which certainly has a good message to it. I like that you quoted the scripture from Matthew at the end since it is appropriate to its theme, although I think the abbreviation for Matthew is Matt. Not Math.

The subject, Mary, surely possesses a servants heart and that is a good thing - a gift - as you mentioned, "...given to her by God" and all good and perfect things come from God.

At first I wasn't quite sure what type of piece (style format) you were going for, but I later realized what your going for. A short devotional like as in the daily devotionals etc.

I enjoyed the read and the message is a good one. I do, however, suggest that you tighten it up a bit. There are a few areas that I think can use some revision and editing. I struggled a little with the flow of your first sentence in paragraph two for example. Also, you may want to reference further scripture readings on the topic. You don't have to quote them all but give, for example, a note...for further reading see.. then list the areas for you readers to look upand read if they wish, for their devotional. Just a suggestion though.

All in all this is a good read and can be inproved even more with some easy fixes.

Keep writing ,
Boston
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Review of The Deed  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about, "The Deed." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

I find your poem different. It is eerie and dark, sort of making you want to look away–stop reading; but you cannot. It is menacing, disturbing, and bizarre. It is indeed, off the wall and I just love it.

The conversation here is great. I like the flow of the piece and the word choices that were used, also the language style, was amazing.

"Um, excuse me kind sir. I not know of what you mean by...Kill him.”


This, I feel, really adds to the piece more so than if you just wrote, Sir, I don’t know what you mean by kill him.

I even like your use of rhyme in the line, “I shake and shiver, not move an inch and quiver.” It was used at just the right place and is very effective.


Lastly, the small five word ending said it all, summing up this great piece;


“The man was no more.”



Very well done! I commend you on the fine work. The style, or form, you're using, I am not familiar with, but it certainly works very well.


Thanks for sharing your poem with us and keep writing.


Boston
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Review of LOTS OF WORDS  Open in new Window.
for entry "Spirit of the World" Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

I like this poem and I think it is very well written-containing many truths that we all can meditate on and study even further. I especially like the scriptural references and text, which you included. Nice job!

“…before a man can seek God, God must first have sought the man.” A.W. Tozer

This is a very profound statement that Tozer makes.
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Review of The Mirror  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this free form poem. It is an intense and powerful piece.

Although it is dark, it speaks much truth that many of us refuse to hear. However, one day we will be forced to gaze into that mirror and see our self-then we’ll understand and say, “Where did I go?”

I think that my favorite line in this piece is, “Slowly age rips away youth..." Well done Sariah!

Boston
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice job Lana. A good free form piece.
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Review of True Nature  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi Evan,

Here are my thoughts about,"True Nature." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


“True Nature,” Is an interesting piece in spite the fact that it is much too short for the reader to gain a good perspective on such a profound subject as the true nature of man.

"The True Nature of man"



You speak of the nature of man. So what is man’s true nature? Well, personally I am in agreement with The “Doctrine of Human Depravity.” Man is totally depraved.

One of my favorite writers on this subject is A. W. Pink. In his book he states; ”Look at human nature as it now is: depraved, wretched, subject to death.“

"… that burdens us on our journey to better our former selves.”


In another portion of this same book he writes,” Consequently, he is "without strength," thoroughly incapable of bettering himself; he is exposed to the wrath of God, and unable to perform a single work which can find acceptance with Him.”

It’s a bleak picture of man himself, however, God, through His son Christ, gave us a way of changing all this; and for me, I believe that alone is our greatest legacy and worthy of remembrance.

I really enjoyed reading your work, Evan. Thanks for sharing this with us and keep writing.
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Review of Strength Within  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Strength Within." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Strength Within,” is a good poem which plainly shows the reader the subject’s emotions in an artful way. I think this poem was well thought out; it is indeed a meaningful piece.

However, I feel there are a few issues that, if corrected, will make this poem even better. I humbly submit to you my opinions and suggestions. I am certainly no expert, but just maybe you will be able to glean from this, something that can be useful to you. So with that said, I’ll continue on.

The first thing that I noticed was your first two wonderful lines. Lovely words, but I feel that they don’t fit the rest of the poem, rhythmatically speaking. For me, they aract as sort of a prologue to the rest of the poem; which really isn’t a bad idea, if that was your intent. I will call it the prologue for the purpose of this review.

Your rhyme and rhyming scheme are good and nearly consistent except for L-7, after the prologue, where you use the word today. Then down in V-3 L-3 & 4 you used near rhyme.

In V-3-L-1 & 2 you repeat the word [Find] and use it at the beginning of each of those two lines.

Also, I noticed a tiny typo in the last line of the last verse. [Its] should be It’s.

I have a few suggestions that you may, or may not, want to consider. Remember, they’re just my own, top of my head thoughts.



Strength Within

Has your love crushed and weakened your soul?
Does he treat you like an enemy, full of hate, hurtful and cold?


You need to find your strength within
Lead your own life, and do not give in
Escape from this dungeon that you call home
Learn to stand strong and tall, on your own


No longer let him have control over you
Stop the torture he puts you through
Leave your prison, break free today
Run to a place that’s free from pain

Find the strength within, to break free
Soon you will see what real life could be
Focus on finding yourself and then
You’ll surely find you happy again

You may find it hard to love or trust
But those feelings will fade, there is no rush
You will find that freedom tastes so good
I did, and now it’s time that you should.


All in all, you have written a good poem. Great job! It has been my pleasure to read and review your poem. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing your work with us and keep writing.
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Review of Homeless  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Homeless." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Homeless,” is a great piece of Acronym writing, but moreover, it succeeds in its intended purpose, which is to show the reader just how a person feels when they are homeless and all alone. You were able to capture all of their emotions, and you've done so quite well, in fine work. You have written a very powerful piece. Well done! Thanks for sharing this with us and keep writing.
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Review of FILIGREE ANGELS  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Filigree Angels." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

"FILIGREE ANGELS,” is a wonderful poem. You have placed it under the genre of children’s, however, it is also for both child and adult alike. The piece has a wonderful tone and it leaving the reader with a nice warm feeling. I especially like how you alluded to “It’s a Wonderful Life,” when you wrote the line;” An Angel got wings, did you hear the bell? You’ve done a great job on this piece. Thanks for sharing your poem with us and keep writing.
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Review of Black Hole  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Black Hole." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Black Hole,” is a nice free form poem that's expressing the pain felt after a relationship ends? Your words were chosen in such a way, as to convey these emotions to the reader. You have don't that quit well. I particularly like the line,” Forever means nothing when just spoken as a word.” The piece flows along nicely and uses some wonderful imagery. Thanks for sharing your poem with us and keep writing.
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Review of lead  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"lead." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“lead,” is a nice piece that sends us a good message. I like the flow, and tone of your poem. The reader can feel the emotion throughout this piece. You made good use of anaphora, I practically liked this aspect of your poem.

There are a few things, however, that can be improved upon. I suggest you try to separate the poem into verses. Try this and see what you think.

I would consider trying to change the line,”You said follow your lead” to “You told me to follow your lead.” Play around with that section and see how it works out.

I think that, gape should be gait. I think that is what you were intending to write. Also, you should capitalize your [i’s]
Thanks for sharing your poem with us and keep writing.
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Review of Brothers  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,'Brothers." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

This piece is a nice tribute to a friend. People have many friends, but good, true friendships, like the one you wrote about, are very few. This piece tells us a lot and it shows the reader a lot of the emotion that are felt. Nice job! Thanks for sharing with us and keep writing.
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Review of Help?  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Help." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Although unfinished, I basically like your story. It is relevant to what many single parents go through. I thought your story started out a little rough, but then got better as it progressed.

Since your story is in its infant stages (no pun intended) there are numerous places that you can take it. It all depends, of course, on you, the writer.

You must determine things like, what length you want the story to be, along with many other factors as well. You wrote; “this is a brief storyline, its not complete but i wanted people to see how the story would progress because i would like some help about how to start this.”

If you’re asking if the story is worth writing, then the answer is; yes of course it is. How it is progressing or how it is going to progress, however, is as I mentioned-up to you the creator and where you want to take it. I for one, would go where no reader expects it to, but that is just my twisted mind at work.

I realize that this probably doesn’t help you out too much, but I do want to encourage you to go forward with it. I am interested to see where you do take this.

I realize that this is just a rough draft you wrote in order to get some feedback, so I won’t comment on any grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors. Lord knows, I need help in these areas myself. Thanks for sharing your story with us and keep writing.
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