I liked the styling. Grabbed my attention. Good closing stanza. To be honest, breaking the forth wall throw me off. It seemed to break the narrator's character.
Maybe a shifting POV be a natural choice. Yes! Shifting to a child's POV. She sees the main character as a figure passenger on a toy train. Then repeat the opening in the closing. Like a tonic note. Would be from two POV's. that be cool.
I liked that the story was framed on a model train set. Transitioning from a fantasy into the real world setting could be more effective without breaking the fourth wall. Yet, I don't have anything agian breaking fourth walls. Sometimes it works.
Tip... I'd used blood, sweat and tears. Lumber Jack is a dangerous job. Sublimely use adjectives that reflect dangerous. That's just me. Write on... Rooster Roo
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