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Review of Snow Falls  Open in new Window.
Review by Ronbgone2771 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
I was confused at the setting. Your character was sitting in their bedroom watching the snow fall, but then you were watching outside (assuming from the same window, but you heard the bang and saw mama jump. Mama got up to answer it. Was it the bedroom door?

Overall, this was pretty confusing to me as a reader. Since your protagonist is telling the story, maybe try not overusing "tell" and use more "show". For example, you wrote ... I was watching the outside when we heard a bang on the old wooden door. Something like ... We huddled on the bed staving off the cold when a thunderous knock came at the old wooden door. Showing will allow you to stay away from I saw, I heard, I looked and be a little more engaging to the reader.

I liked your idea of what you were conveying. As a first chapter, I feel you can flesh out a lot of it with more description of the family, maybe a hint as to their background that put them in the situation they are in? and a hint of what may lie in the future that makes me want to turn the page and see what is coming in their future.

Hope this helped.
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