Hi, Khalish!
Well, I'll get right to it:
1. I like that you are so sensitive to women's issues. I see many of your items are dedicated to that subject, and I, as a woman, appreciate it greatly.
2. Personally, I cringe at headers that are all capitalized. To me, it reads as though you were screaming at me. All your portfolio is like this, so I assume it's your style. I just felt I had to mention it, since I think it might be putting off some readers. No-one likes to be yelled at.
3. I think I noticed some commas missing:
A. "I too had like other girls"
At first I though you had meant to write "liked" ubtil I realized that you had meant: "I, too, had, like other girls"
B. "I too did imagine of
A tiny home and hearth"
Once again, the commas. Plus, I don't think "imagine of" is correct grammar. When you speak, you say you imagined something, not of something. So, how about, "I, too, did day-dream of..." or something like that. Also, I think a comma is needed after "hearth".
C. "Me, he cannot satisfy,
Nor give children to me"
This is actually one sentence, though divided into two lines. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it is a mistake to use "me" twice. As a sentence, it sounds a bit off to me: Me, he cannot satisfy, nor give children to me.
How about:
"He just cannot satisfy,
Nor give children to me."
Or something like that.
D. "We did have some warmth of love
Which has now turned to frost."
I think a comma should come before "which", as it does in prose.
E. "We live under the same roof,
But it is not a home.
For him nothing is amiss,
I keep on crying alone."
Firstly, I think there should be a semi-colon after "amiss" not a comma. If you want to leave the comma, I think you should put "but" or "yet" after it.
Secondly, home-alone is a false rhyme. I'm sure you know this, but I did have to point it out.
I apologize if this seems like a harsh review. I really don't intend to hurt anyone. I am simply pointing out things, as I see them. Feel free to disregard what you do not agree with.
Let me know what you think, and if you decide to make any changes. I'll be happy to re-rate.
Have a great day,
Robyn |
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