Oh, Gen!
Well, I'm continuing my excavation thorugh your Song Of Paradise. I love the way you created this poem to fit with the story. It's like Tolkien creating languages for his... 
However, what were you thinking?
While the words are good, and the point simply great, the meter is simply all over the place! So, I'll roll up my sleeves and help you!
First off, let's decide what we want the syllable count to be! We can't just have each stanza doing its own thing - that would be chaos! (As a student of Chemistry and Physics, I must say: chaos is never good!) 
Down to work:
"Down from the hills
Came the savage masses;
Workmen from the mills,
Farmers from the plainsland grasses."
If you want this to fit, the lines have to be longer. They are much shorter than the rest.
My suggestion:
"Up from the valleys and down from the hills
Came the women and children in masses.
Workmen abandoned posts at the mills,
And farmers left the plainsland grasses."
On to the next:
"Led by a tall wizard, grey,
They marched to the castle gate.
They would burn a man that day
And seal their everlasting fate."
Same idea here: The next stanzas are much longer so let's fit them together. The syllable count I'm using is 10 10 10 9. Here's my suggestion:
"A towering wizard showed them the way,
And they marched onward and stormed through the gate.
A man they would burn on this very day
And forever would they seal their fate."
Next:
"Doomed was this man of unnatural ways
Who constructed machines with an engine,
Who turned the darkest nights into days
And boxes that voices could speak in."
Oops! Too close rhymes, in my opinion: days-ways with way-day. Even if you decide not to accet my suggestion for the previous stanza (which, of course, you have every right to!) then way-days and grey-way is still too close.
My suggestion:
"Doomed was this man of unnatural mind,
Who constructed machines with an engine,
Who answers to ev'ry question would find
And boxes that voices could speak in."
I'm just going to carry on:
"There was a mighty battle at the wall,
There was thunder, sparks, and flame.
Beasts and Men heeded the wizard's call
To destroy this man without common name."
Meter again. My thoughts:
"A mighty battle was fought at the wall
And the evening sky blazed brightly with flame.
Beasts fought by Men to heed the wizard's call
To destroy this man without common name."
Last one (whew, I'm tired!)
"By twilight he could not hope to win;
The charges were read from a list.
Burnt to a crisp, so great was his sin,
This man who called himself "Scientist"!"
Okay, I think:
"By twilight he knew that he could not win
One by one, charges were read from a list.
Burnt to a crisp, for so great was his sin,
Was the man known as the "Scientist"!"
Okay, I'm totally wiped out. I spent an hour on this! 
(I hope you appreciate it, Gen!) Lol! Just kidding!
Let me know what you think, what you disagree with and what you agree with. Don't be shy to tell me what you really think! 
As always,
Robyn |
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