Hello! Saw that this piece was up for a review. Not knowing what the initial part of the piece was, I went ahead and jumped right in.
I was going to offer some constructive criticism on the amount of dialogue, but as I read on, that aspect was remedied. This is an action story! I like how you include the characters' feelings, as you would like the reader to experience them. Your description of what they are working with also makes it real and imaginable, even though I am only reading one section of what I'm sure is a full piece of writing (I'm referring to the experience with the orb).
I love the mosquito bite analogy! It gives a good sense of what is really menial vs. threatening to the characters.
One thing I would mention would be the spelling of artifact, I noticed you used an "e" instead.
Other than that, I am interested to go back and read the first part of this work! I'm so interested! Write on!
I am really glad I stumbled across your work. Your anger is so eloquently expressed, and I like the fact that it is a work of prose and not just a rant. Have you ever published your work elsewhere?
There is so much that is real here. I was going to comment and suggest a few things in regards to run-ons, but I digress. There is a certain flow here in how this short piece progresses. It is personal and heartfelt. I really enjoyed this read...me being the granddaughter of a Norwegian woman!
I just love a good garden. When I worked at the grocery store, I'd always stroll through our extensive floral department and imagine I was in a little cottage garden whenever I was having a bad day.
I no longer work at the grocery store, but look at the little gem of a poem I found! I will come back to this whenever I need an uplift!
Wow, this was cute, funny, and dark. Perfect for the kind of day at work that I'm having--dull, slow, and mind-numbing! Thanks for the entertainment, and write on!
I see a lot of room for expansion on Dilby. Has he grown up as a wizard? Or does he have other history? That could be a cool and interesting thing to find out! Especially with his comment of "don't let them in". It seems that there is far more to this character.
What's more, is that you began this piece with a great catch, and immediately (and possibly unknowingly to the reader) led into a story of reexamining oneself.
I think this is very interesting. I hope that you build on this!
Your use of description and imagery in this piece paints a great background! I feel like I could see this playing out!
What I would love to see is more of the story! How did this outcome befall the family in the first place? And can the characters become more of the story?
What a sweet, poetic, and tastefully sensual portrayal of one's reflection on the delicate self while alone and in the company of another! I really enjoyed this short piece. It made me examine the way I think--or neglect to think--of how I view the vessel that holds my mentality. Thank you for sharing your writing!
Your use of imagery through dialogue is what gripped me with this story! I have always had a spot in my heart for stories revolving around the ancient Egyptian world (one of my first research projects in grade school was about Amenhotep IV). I see a little bit of room for character development, might I suggest more about the Pharaoh himself? Possibly a different chapter? Either way, lovely work here. Thank you for sharing with the writing world!
My own hatred of city driving aside, good work on sticking to the prompt! And to be honest, I'm very impressed at the choice of a traffic jam for a "no I, myself, or mine" prompt. Because in most circumstances involcing discontent on motorways, isn't everyone just thinking "MEEEE!"-honk honk-"MEEEEE!!!"
Sorry...see, I am from Chicago. I'm glad I looked into your portfolio some more! Keep up the great stuff!
This is an enormously powerful piece of writing. Short, but to the point and it leaves the reader with a gut feeling of the dark reality that many people struggle with and die from every day. You've used wonderful description of the character's emotions throughout and have made them very real to the reader; youve offered backstory so that the reader understands why this character is at this point of what has been determined as one of no return. I like that there are no loose ends, that this is a story with explanation and completion.
One idea that I would implore you to consider or explore is to possibly change the order of a couple paragraphs. What if you began with the "Despite it all" paragraph? No re-wording, just kept the same. An unusual entry like that could be a real teaser that may cause the reader to think, "Despite WHAT all?" and so they read on.
I really felt a connection to this piece, in more ways than I'm proud to admit. I am grateful to be alive to read this and am thankful to you for sharing this with the writing world! Write on!
As the reader, the point here is clear. It is imminent and forboding. At the same time, it leaves questions, and thus leaves opening for the reader to come to one's own assumptions or conclusions as to circumstances and...why?
The mystery here is very festive for this season. This is not corny rhyming poetry, but very thoughtfully put-together.
Would you mind taking a look at one of mine, titled "Bogeys"? I hope you like,it.
Okay...can I just say that I am overwhelmingly impressed by the cleverness, where you mixed up the spellings of things just to make sure the reader was paying attention?! That took critical thinking and forethought. And the imagery here, and analogies...you can almost feel what the author is writing. I've gotta give this a five. For everything you have individually described throughout this piece with such vivid artistry, this one gets a five.
Well, I am a pilot, so I am a bit biased towards this piece to begin with!
What did stand out to me was your use of imagery, where you likened a piece of scenery to a "blushing cheek". This kind of description is something that great poets and authors have used for ages! For many readers, personification of a solid image can make an experience real in their minds, even if just for a moment. That is very captivating.
Please, keep up such nice work! You say you are a budding poet--you are well on your way! Just remember, painting a picture with words is a great skill and tool.
Whoa! For 75 words or less, I feel like you did a great job on leaving the reader some power to infer the meaning of this piece, until you finally (and successfully) resolved it in the last line. I am a writer who often gets too "wordy" with either description or dialogue alone, so I am very impressed. Keep it up, and stay safe!
Wow...myself being very in-touch and appreciative of the simple gifts a moment in nature can give to us, I totally connected with this piece! I especially loved your use of description where you mentioned the "cathedral isle". Such great imagery. Especially during these critical times of isolation around the globe, this is definitely a piece that is well written and can reach many people personally.
My only suggestion would be to possibly re-format it do that the verses flow more fluidly. For example, the "as always, my feet lead me to the trees, the calm" and so on. I can see where you were going with it after reading on. If this was supposed to be a song, then I commend your abilities as a song writer/poet. If this were prose though, then there are other things that could be done to make it all more expressive.
All in all, you brought me back to a much simpler and nostalgic place, and I feel that this piece will touch other readers in a similar way. Thank you for sharing this with the writing community!
This piece is very thought-provoking, thank you for putting this out here.
One thing that was kind of confusing was in the final line of the first paragraph being: "You take the dirty hand with hesitation" followed by "You don't hesitate". I might suggest some clarification here. Was it supposed to say "you take the dirty hand without hesitation", or was there initial hesitation which the narrator was able to overcome?
In any event, your use of very visual description in this piece definitely creates a clear picture in the reader's mind, and I feel that that's such a great tool for a writer to use. This was a great piece to read, and please...write on!
WOW! So descriptive and very suspenseful. What I personally got from this piece is something that you may or may not have intended.
To me, this reflects people's slavery to their electronics and to external sources which demand their attention away from their inner selves. Whatever you wanted to share in this piece, be it purely science fiction or otherwise, I am purely glad that I read it and I encourage you to nurture your talent as a vibrant writer! Thank you for sharing your work!
What a lovely and heartfelt exchange of dialogue between the two characters here! I was touched by this piece because it reminds me of the way my parents treated me, all the sacrifices they made in order to provide the most encouragement and best opportunities for education the possibly could.
And, I say "dialogue" because I LOVE dialogue in a story, so much so that I often forget to include any narrative at all to express any outside view of how characters are interacting in my own writing. I feel like this piece could be even more powerful, in two ways:
a) a bit of narrative between dialogue to describe each character's personal feelings and demeanor during the conversation, which indeed must be emotional for both parties, or
b actually write it in script format, so that the readers may feel like the conversation is right there, in front of them to witness.
I looked at your port and saw that you are a parent yourself, and I love that you share writing and thoughts that must be very valid in your life. Just a few suggestions, but the best writer is a happy writer. I hope you loved writing this as much as I enjoyed reading it!
(Oh, there is a line that just needs an extra space between the next one--the "Well sometimes" and "That was nice of Grandma" one. Otherwise the dialogue is easy to differentiate.)
This is written very lyrically. I can feel the emotion that goes with this piece, and it makes it very real for the reader. I am glad that you shared this piece with the writing world. You could be a great song-writer!
I do like how the simplicity of frustration develops into a bit of hope at the end there. Is this based on a personal journey? Either way, some further visual description might help your work a bit. Other than that, I respect tour conviction and your use of words to inspire feeling in the reader. Write on!
I'm glad that contest advertisement led me to this piece. I am also embarassed that the only reason I came across this was because I was interested in the contest.
Your knowledge of poetry scheme is, to me, impressive, and the message you are sending in this piece is not only powerful, but well-thought-out and beatifully communicated.
Forgive me for being brazen, but are you a Christian?
I'm off to view your port now. I look forward to seeing more work from you. Also, you might be mildly entertained by a piece in my own port titled "Bogeys". It's my sad attempt at poetry.
I noticed a change in the structure of the poem right there at the end. A little confusing, but I caught on. I love the imagery, especially the way you chose to convey the rain in a way different to how it is usually thought of. Rain typically denotes negativity, but you've given it a different appearance by referring to it as "tears of joy".
As a Christian, I of course loved the subject matter. I hope to read more of your work soon! God bless!
I really enjoyed this piece. I remember very well being a kid, and no matter how many times my parents took the bottle of Windex and told me it was anti-monster spray and spritzed it around the room, I knew I was always safest curled up on my bed with my eyes squeezed shut--cuz if I can't see them, they can't see me, right?
I almost feel like as adults, we still find ways to hide under the covers. Whether it was intended or not, I've noticed a bit of symbolism as the narrator of this poem talks about being an adult--about how we can still revert to childlike habits when we are afraid or worried, tho more figuratively speaking.
Keep up the good work--I feel that this poem was very well written and thought out!
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
P.S. "The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.
- Stephen King"--Is this from the forward of "Night Shift", or am I mistaken? I've read so much King that I may be getting mixed up at this point, but that one is definitely one of my favourite collections!
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