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27 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by robertwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The door squeaked shut as Ned Atkins closed his shop for the day. There was a cold drizzle falling as it had done all day. Damn rain he thought, terrible for business. He pulled his collar up as he quickly strode across the cobble stone street, to the tavern. Johnny the bartender saw Ned come in. Johnny said, not a fit night, hey Ned? How about a nice hot toddy to warm you up? It's not only not a fit night it's not a fit day, Ned said. No one's going to be out looking for oddities on a day like this, and make that a pint of ale, thank you.

I posted this part to help you a little, if you don't mind my pedantry. Your writing shows potential, so I wanted to point out some common mistakes.
'Damn rain he thought, terrible for business.'

For a thought, it's easier to differintiate, if you put the thought in italics. Also, there should be a comma separating 'he thought' from the rest of the sentence. [i]Damn rain[/i], he thought, [i]terrible for business[/i].
(FYI, the [i] [/i] is how italics are inserted on the format of this website. Just the way I wrote it is how you would've written to create italics while writing the story.)

'He pulled up his collar as he quickly strode across the cobble stone street, to the tavern.'
This is a good imagry; he's doing something as he walks which is realistic. The problem in this sentence is the word "quickly"
You always want to cut out unnecessary adverbs. Try to find the best verb to describe what is happening, which in this case "strode" is good. Strode means he was quickly walking, so the word quickly is redundant. Almost always, the word "quickly" can be replaced.

'Johnny the bartender saw Ned come in.'
You also want to cut as many words like saw or was as possible, although sometimes they can't be replaced. You want an action that is doing something like 'Johnny the bartender watched Ned come in'

'Johnny said, not a fit night, hey Ned?'
The dialogue is good here, realistic, but you absof***inglutely need to use quotations, lol. Also the beginning of dialogue is capitolized.
Johnny said, "Not a fight night, hey Ned?"

Your dialogue is hard to interpret, because you don't know where the bartender's ends and Ned's begins. Separate dialogues should always be on a new line.

Correction:

Johnny said, "Not a fit night, hey Ned? How about a nice hot toddy to warm you up?"
"It's not only not a fit night. It's not a fit day," Ned said.

Your dialogue is good for starters, which is very dificult to master. I had a lot of trouble learning how to naturally write dialogue, because I'm anti-social. I don't like talking to people, so it made it hard for me. You're lucky that it comes naturally, so work at this stuff, and you can get a lot better.

P.S. Very many people have these exact same problems, before they are taught otherwise, so do not be discouraged. I had to be told many of these things myself.
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Review by robertwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thats pretty funnny at the end. I like the vivid imagry. You write pretty solid. It's easy to see and sense the setting and your dialogue flows well. That's my problem in writing right now is dialogue. If you have the time you should check out my stories and see if you have any dialogue tips ;)
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Review of Trade Run  Open in new Window.
Review by robertwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I like your dialogue. I have trouble with dialogue, getting it to flow naturally. I don't talk to people enough.
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Review of The Mail Truck  Open in new Window.
Review by robertwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is very sad. And good. I almost teared up while reading it. You didn't go deep into the emotion of it in her mind or anything but you somehow physically portrayed it all. You have alot of talent. I see why this story won. I will be checking out more of your stuff.
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Review by robertwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I only read the first chapter so far, but DID NOT stop because i wasn't in to it. I'm about 200 pages into Duma Key and am dying to get back to it. I wanted to check out something short of yours and noticed Batman and had to check it out. I like your writing it's very confident and solid. Something i havea little trouble with. Trying to sharpen my new tools. I've only been writing for about 2 months so my review won't be extremely helpful but i can definately praise your writing as an avid reader. I will be finishing it soon and will give you more feedback. I liked the word "sensationalizing" that he accused the reporters. I also loved the graveyard puns. They subtly reminded me where I was and made me laugh. I have a little bit of trouble with creating humor in my writing but am working on it.
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Review by robertwriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Not bad. Nice little twist. I suspected a fountain since that is one of our words haha. But still nice.
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