"David had always gotten along well with Nancy's husband Ned and had hung around the auto shop much of his life so he picked up a lot of skills in auto mechanics. Ned hired him part time and David went to a trade school to learn more about auto mechanics. He spent his evenings in bars and developed a drinking habit. Sara, his first girlfriend, was long gone and Dorothy was inwardly happy about it."
This reads like a diary...Selfishly, I prefer "happy endings"...I'm not sure what the "rest of the story" is...or is it over?
I like the structure and the pace....good read.
RJS
BrieHart
I can feel it in your words. It's sad when one has feelings for someone and those emotions are so strong that she must let go of the person she "LOVES"
I find that my best writing emanates from "emotion". The words seem to flow. Remember these "feelings" when you write the novel about this encounter. It will add credibility to the characters.
Women tend to respond to emotions more than men. It's not a criticism; it is a fact based upon my own experiences...use it!
I am anxious to read the first chapter of "From the outside, looking in" or
"My Forbidden Love"
RJS
Excellent story,it moves along quite well and your use of dialogue and descriptions advance the story line.
Two suggestions: Even though, the story moves well, it might be good to break up all the "text" with some bold titles. For example:
Coming Home
I arrived in town on Wednesday. My family w....
Back on the Farm
It only took twenty minutes to get out to my grandparent’s farm...
Chasing an Old Flame?
The next morning, I headed into town shortly after breakfast..
I believe you truncated a story to satisfy a contest...why? You spent time building a relationship between Grey and Emma and then jumped quickly to "solve" a mystery of the theft....spend some time on the evidence, where it leads, help the police solve the crime.....actually it reminds me of the "Martha's Vineyard Mysteries" on Hallmark.
Great Title!
I suggest you "write" a longer version, a novella or even a "Nancy Drew" novel...Best of luck!
RJS
This is a great start...I am looking at this on a cellphone and I see lots of words and many sentences without transitions or paragraphing. You may want to describe more fully the werewolves physically to give the reader a better "picture" in his mind.
Good start..would like to see more.
A great series of thoughts for the "season"...whether you believe in God or not, this time of year brings out the best in people.
I like your encouraging tone, straight to the point, short and sweet...most middle school and high school children, with whom I have had some experience, need to hear this from their parents and teachers daily.
"It's when we do nothing, that we can be assured that things will happen, as they are meant to, without intervention."
People in a "rut" are there because they want to be...Thanks for your candor. Our young people have become satisfied with the reality of there "cellphone culture" They seem to have little interest in making or creating "change"...maybe it's fear.
Carry on!!
Shining a light on the 'Dark' Side.. I, being a somewhat of a political junkie, have to admit that your approach to discussing the "Empire" has a distinctly similar ring to the discourse currently underway on CNN, MSNBC and their ilk when it comes to the "cognitive dissonance about happenings in Washington, DC
Perfect analogy : 'Notwithstanding this, any juvenile reasons that pro-rebel supporters harbor for believing the Empire to be evil' What, little old Us??
The laughter continues: 'pro-rebel supporters (fans) who think as childishly as the rebels themselves, cannot defend their teenage take on the otherwise ethical Empire.'
Translation: We peons (By, Of and For the People) are too stupid to know what's really good for them. Shut up and get in line!
All in all, I think you did a great job in turning the "Empire's" perspective and practices exactly 180 degrees from the Spielberg's distinct intentions.. bravo!
"I have the best scalp that has ever graced the face of the earth."
He dost protest too much!Obviously a treatise to counter the apparent popular "mantra" about the healthy heads of thick hair of many your peers.... "My head wouldn't be so shiny if it wasn't as smooth as it is"
I suffer the same condition and I have received the same comments which I would counter with a witty comment or two...your apparent sarcasm drips and is an "in your face" response to those who would think you are somewhat handicapped by your "lack of a hairy pate".
"The preservation of perfection is paramount."
Congratulations!
If I were a judge, I certainly would consider your work near the top of the winner's candidates.
"I'm actually still angry, so I'm going to tell you about that first."
Good setup...makes one want to hear the "dirt"..why are human's "lookie-loos?..curiosity gets us every time.
"Three year olds and seven year olds are at different places in their lives."
As a former sports coach and grandfather, the difference in mental and physical abilities and attention spans vary dramatically at young ages..you were trying to thread a a very thin needle.
The bright spot..you will never ever put yourself in that position again and may, to prevent a reoccurrence of this event, you will find out as much info as possible about your audience before you accept...being on the "rebound" didn't help either.
All in all, this is a great event and report piece and provided self education at the same time.
Oh my goodness, where do I begin?? Creation Science...my problem with your treatise is that I am in your camp. I "believe" that "evolutionists" seem to fear people of faith. I can't explain it: I only confirm your opinion. They do believe to have "faith" in "premises" they cannot prove via experimentation...like "Faith in God"
Why can't we let everyone discuss our theories/facts in relationship to those people who took the time to write the Books of the Bible. Sometimes, I am amazed at the "skills" of these ancients, making olive oil, wine, grafting plants, using fire, weaving clothing..but I digress.
I liked your presentation of the discussion and the way the participants interacted. It was clear where you started and where you ended. Thanks for a great read.
You are a politician; I don't envy your environment.
Super Job!
RJS
I assume your task involved using specific words in a limited length story. Your imagery within the short story is very good. "the golden1 light of dawn" "lush green2 of the grass and the plants" "this verdant4 forest" etc.
I am assuming this is a prologue to a novel. Otherwise, you might want to consider fleshing this out
"he was on his way to present his project to his government benefactors."
The hook?
"Good afternoon everyone, I'm sure everyone here is excited to see the results of years of dedication and effort by some of the finest minds in the country." I am sure a "flash back" would present itself with several sub- stories.
For me, a non-tech..possibly a Luddite, this language is somewhat foreign. I received the same feedback on a SciFi short story I wrote for this site.
Otherwise, great job!!
"Minhay's armed forces and the prefectures assembled hastily on red alert. Koguryeo had launched a surprise attack on Japan early in the morning and were marching towards Edo. A few hours later the Ainu Federation invaded Japan from the north and had seized huge portions of Honshu."
Seems like a "news" broadcast.OR is it:a great "canvas" upon which to tell a story with exciting characters who navigate through the conflicts to accomplish something great, an adventure to some noble purpose? Let the characters tell the background story through dialogue.
Sounds like ancient Japanese history and conflict with mainland Asia/ Siberia.
Who warned whom personally ? With what dialogue? I hope this was your plan all along...good luck!
RJS
The story is a great core for what, I believe, could be a better one with some dialogue to show the emotions within the scenes.
"When my father-in-law expired suddenly due to a paralysis stroke, as the eldest son, my husband had to shoulder the responsibility of supporting the family. He was the sole provider for a family consisting of his mother and five sisters. Fortunately, he was a qualified engineer, and had a well-paid public sector job that took care of the bills and tuition fee for his three college-going sisters."
"Jack, I am so sorry about your dad. What will happen now?"
Jack replied. "I don't know; I feel numb all over. He wasn't even sick. My mom is hysterical."
"I know you're hurting, but your mom and sisters need you now."
"I know; I must be the head of the house; take control. But, I don't know where to start."
Just follow this dialogue with the thoughts you expressed. Why was it an "arranged marriage"?
It sounds like your real story; what were your thoughts. What did you say?...write it down as dialogue. I use italics for "thoughts". Good Luck
What a great critique of today's social construct concerning men and women, you've offered. I don't really know how much experience you have with relationships, but it seems that you have either studied failed couples' experiences or are describing your own.
"On one of those idle talks with my girls I realized we are all being preyed on. "
Strong words...is this true in your world?
Why not make this into a non-fiction book by posting examples/ solutions?
"Take it on the road" Or write a fiction novel or series of books using characters to explain you point of view? Show the different relationships through description and dialogue.
"Let us desist from harboring men with a two cent vision and instead push them to their full potential. We do this and we will bring back " THE MEN" we are losing. Women, let us learn to respect our hustle!"
Just remember to try and capture the other (man's) side. Men have been confused since the 1970's in this society. Men really don't want adversarial relationships with women.
Maybe you can get men and women to a middle ground in a society which depends on producing and raising happy and successful "offspring" in spite of society's rules and foibles.
Very well done...I could feel the emotion of the "Jakey" as he moved from shock, to repugnance to disgust, to empathy, to fear of loss to regret for all those emotions he felt before.
Thanks for your palpable descriptions and expressions of emotion.
One comment...try to open the spacing to 1.5 or 2 to help an old man read easier..
Interesting tale. Excerpt: "Central Intelligence knew how to pepper false trails in with their briefs on what Congress really needed to know. As if that doe-eyed Hollywood brunette could have infiltrated the Nazis or disrupted Soviet sleeper cells! Or the blond diplomat sleeping with the Spanish dictator was anything but small-time. No, America’s most accomplished spy was a red-head from New Jersey. She had been discovered as an actress on the small stage, but now she played on a global one, and by God she shone, if she did say so herself."
Your description is interesting as an intro and I enjoyed the story, however, I believe your dialogue could have started earlier in the piece. And, some of the backdrop could have used another character and associated dialogue to set the scene. i.e. a close male or female acquaintance. Maria a close friend, the actress and producer over lunch: :"Did you see the newspaper about 'Tiger Cat'? asks Maria. Tiger Cat (in real life): "Probably some housewife who is bored. Not something I would ever do!" Laughing ironically.
Mix some other dialogue by others, maybe a talking head on TV expounding the mystery of this super sleuth and bane of bad guys.
You may want to consider changing paragraphs with transitions or dialogue.
The door opened by a cracking noise as she entered. The lab was empty , but the instructor was sitting to the right of the entrance, pretending to be oblivious of her presence. Without greeting him, she walked straight to one of the systems and started working from where she had left off in the previous class.
She was barely ten minutes into her work when she heard someone call out her name.
"Hey, Firefly. Firefly, come here." Jordan whispered; he was animated
When she turned around, she saw a batchmate waving his hand to come outside her wanting to talk to her in private. By the gesture of hand he asked her to come out of the lab. Once she was alone with him, he said. "It's a boycott! It is a joint effort. If you go against it, the purpose would be defeated, etc"
Your sadness comes right through the story/ report. I can sense your affection for this cat.
Question: do you want people to be sad for you or would you rather "entertain" a audience with a story about "Foxy" which would make "them" smile and help you recover from your "sadness"
The reason people get together at "wakes" is to console each other, accept the loss and even laugh about person or, in this case, the pet and some silly or crazy thing they did. Laughing heals the soul.
Try not "reporting" the sorrow; try to embellish the good things you remember.
You actually started to do this in the following paragraph:
"Foxy owned the house. He owned the yard, and yes, he was jealous of every new grand or great grand that showed up over the years. Eventually, he adjusted and became very protective of each, and allowed them to play with him when he was in the mood."
Your story has a message about accepting you as "you". The message becomes garbled because of the format.
Advice from a Mentor of mine: When you submit a product make sure your audience sees "your best work." Have someone, not you, read and critique your work before you present it.
You could improve this work by formatting the paragraphs and double spacing.
"But I was a mermaid. Fearless once. A little girl who shrugged at the waves, a woman who relished the sun, a creature that never fit her skin.
I was a mermaid."
However, you are going to help others with your writing, sharing your imagination. Just like a "mermaid" effortlessly glides through sea and waves, your writing will follow your dreams and uplift those around you, right?
You can be fearless once more....strike out with the pen, with your fingers, with your imagination...jump in and just swim.
This sounds like a true story. If it is not you have a great imagination.
In the story you covered quite a bit of "ground". I believe, on your next piece, you should have someone (not you) read and check spelling and some grammatical issues( mixing active and passive voice). Some of your words: "commotion" "valor" "thunderstruck" may not convey the meaning you intended.
Also, double spacing would make it easier to follow and you paragraphs seemed a bit too long. Readers tend to get confused when paragraphs are too long. It literally tires me to read so many words and sentences. There is no limit on the number of paragraphs you may have in a story.
Some of the large paragraphs seem to ramble and the reader (I) had to concentrate on separating the thoughts and actions. That is the "writer's" job. The reader should enjoy the story, the flow and the message.
I believe this was an exciting story and conveyed a great message. Good luck in the future
The main reason for writing is to inform or entertain. Writing in the first person is sometimes very difficult. However you seemed to handle that well.
This is extremely descriptive of both location and weather and your character,
Your exposing the thoughts, anxieties and hangups of the "A Bird of Prey" makes an interesting tale. The irony is striking. A bird of prey "who" may not really want to be. However, I am not sure what other function he or she could perform.
I believe your descriptions were visual, however, I believe this paragraph excerpt below and at other points in the story seem overdone. It delays the "story" and scatters the point of view of the Bird of Prey..your main character. Spend more time on the character than on the scenery.
"It was rough and putrid land. There were no mountain ridges on the horizon. No feminine dunes and no plateaus, etching artful patterns against the sky. Just a thin crust of earth that groped indeterminably below the heavy blue. It was wide, expansive, the sole color of dirt. Ay did not know its name. The desert is all that he knew it by. It was the perfect paradigm of all the other deserts,"
Also...a minor item. I believe double spacing would help the reader.
RJS
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