COMMENTS
A nice tale for people of all ages. A nice lesson learned, too.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...him, saying, and “Go home...
The word and seems out of place here. I think it would read better without it.
WRITING & STYLE
The style was different. You told a story, but also had some external comments by the narrator as the story progressed. It seemed as though it was spoken, rather than read.
LIKES & DISLIKES
Nothing to dislike, this was very well done!
WRITING & STYLE
Very well written, especially since you had such a limited word count. Sure, I would have like to read about the beauty of the landscape, but that would have taken away from the story.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I really like how you incorporated the middle ages, the Arthurian legend into present day and made it seem as if it could really happen. That last line was really funny, too.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...and bond fires without...
bonfire
...class, I (end) up zoning out.
I my knees come out...
Did you mean My knees come out...?
Finally(, t)he middle aged man...
They even close(d) the interstate..
What an ass hole.
Asshole is one word.
WRITING & STYLE
This is a very unusual style, first person, but with three separate people. It can get confusing at times, but you did okay with it.
You did capture the feeling of the people nicely. The way the girl loved her loser boyfriend and how he just wanted sex.
LIKES & DISLIKES
The story itself seemed so unfinished, for lack of a better term. I did not get any resolution to the story, other than her going to Princeton. Who was Sarah Brohmley? Why did she need the money? The story seemed to go that way, but then was never mentioned again.
Also, please put blank lines between paragraphs to make this easier to read.
COMMENTS
One of the better sports stories I have read.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING Noticing a crowd of people watching The Champ, jumping rope, I gulped.
In this sentence, it sounds like the crowd was skipping rope, watching The Champ. Maybe remove the comma after Champ. (or rewrite it)
...Theresa looked, reminded me...
The comma is not needed.
WRITING & STYLE
THis was written very well. The dialog did most of the descriptive work, with the occasional narrative.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I was expecting more comedy, but this was plenty. I think any more would ruin the story. This seems realistic.
COMMENTS
One truly weird story. I have certainly never read anything like it before.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...the president.
President should be capitalized.
...the nation's capitol...
capital - Capitol is the building.
WRITING & STYLE
This was written in a way that it was quick and simple, yet a lot of information was presented. We know a lot about Kathy from the piece.
LIKES & DISLIKES
Likes, just about everything.
Dislikes, only that you should put a blank line between paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.
COMMENTS
An odd little story, but a very enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing!
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
When I read first person stories, they sound very personal to me and this was no exception. It sounded very real, very much like a couple of kids I could have gone to school with.
LIKES & DISLIKES
The only thing that struck me as strange was that he finished third in his class to the cheerleader and the quarterback, where, in his mind they had no brains. If he was that smart, and they so dumb, would he not have had better grades. Or perhaps you were implying something?
COMMENTS:
What an emotional story. The trauma that poor girl must have gone though.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no errors in either
WRITING/STYLE:
This was wonderfully written. The reference to the song was perfect, it made the story flow and have more meaning.
LIKES/DISLIKES:
I liked everything about this piece, but one of the things that made me think was when she wondered who was going to go to her parent-teacher conferences. I thought, what an odd thought for someone right then. But it worked.
COMMENTS
Funny stuff. The irony of it all is what makes is so good.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
This was well written. You started out with a nice intro, then reminisced into the past. Really great.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I like how this seems real (is it? You can't make that kind of stuff up can you?). Anyway. I loved everything this story was. It was what you promised. Funny and personal.
COMMENTS
Very sad and emotional. What a fantastic story.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
Your use of present tense made this story seem as if it just happened that day, as I read it, even. The section in italics was wonderful, vivid and horribly sad. The descriptions of things were top notch and used words and phrases associated with sadness. Dark blues, blacks, chilling wind.
LIKES & DISLIKES
There is nothing in this story to dislike. I loved every word of it. Good luck in the contest.
COMMENTS
An interesting story about life inside the police station.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...we were allowed (to) plead our particular...
WRITING & STYLE
You wrote this in forst person, though it was hard to tell, which, for me, was a good thing. Not every sentence started with 'I'. It was more like the narrator was there, telling the story that happened around him, just not to him.
LIKES & DISLIKES
My only dislike is that there seems to be no plot, none that I could see anyway. It was just a couple minute excerpt from someone's life. Not that this was a bad thing, it just could hinder people from reading it through.
And one last note: This should not be rated E. This line - ...‘nearly s*** himself’... - makes it 13+
COMMENTS
A wonderful story about what children believe and how they find the truth.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
Great. Real dialog, real situation. That always seems to add up to one great story.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I liked this story very much. I read it because my son recently lost his first tooth and thought how wonderful. I am glad I read it, though, because it was great. Funny and real. Great job!
COMMENTS
If this is what the future holds, then we are all in for a real surprise, eh?
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...the dolly(,) which he...
WRITING & STYLE
Wonderfully written, especially considering the word count you were on. Sure, I wish there were more detail, but again, the word count prohibits this so what you have is perfect.
LIKES & DISLIKES
The quote at the end (and the accompanying picture you mentioned) was quite humorous. Very well done!
COMMENTS
A wonderful story about memories and the deaths of loved ones.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
Wonderfully written. It has a somber feel to it, even from the start. I can feel the emotions. Also, I get a genuine sense of your grandfather.
LIKES & DISLIKES
This is a great story. I actually read it twice. I really like the ending. You were a ghost watching him, then he died and saw you. Very touching.
COMMENTS
This is a wonderful story filled with deliciousness.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
This was very well written. I could taste the chocolates as they went down her throat. Yum. (Well, except for that awful vanilla cream, anyway).
LIKES & DISLIKES
I like how everything was a mystery. The woman. The admirer. And the chocolates. This was a very unusual story, but a very good one, as well.
COMMENTS
Wonderful story. A tale of a man's life...all in a real short time.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
For something that was written in fifteen minutes, this is great. For something that was written in fifteen days, this is great. You captured the spirit of the man perfectly in that short time. You made me feel a bit sorry for him, too.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I like the ending, how he finally caught a losing hand.
...a roommate and had made a few new friends.
Not sure what you meant here.
...would do well.” her mother...
Change the period after well to a comma.
...the not(e) down.” she began...
Capitalize She
WRITING & STYLE
I thought you did a wonderful job writing this. There were a few grammatical issues, but nothing some editing won't take care of. The emotions were pure. The story was great. At first I thought she was a runaway and if that is what you were going for, wonderful.
LIKES & DISLIKES
The most glaring thing I dislike is the fact that someone gave you a rating of 2 on this. No way this is a 2. I thought this was a wonderful story. Just work on the editing before you finish.
COMMENTS
Very sad and emotional. A real tear-jerker.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...no older then eight years old...
than
...towards the taxi’s.
taxis
...the statue of liberty...
Statue of Liberty - should be capitalized.
...streets for month’s in search...
months
WRITING & STYLE
Very well done. The ideas were presented quickly, but with enough to get us attached to Mia.
LIKES & DISLIKES
Everything is wonderful. The only thing I would maybe do, is to build up the relationship with Mia more. She met her, then 2 weeks later she was gone. What did they do for those two weeks?
COMMENTS
Very warming and poetic. An interesting take on how inspiration hits us.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING From the orchard(,) the twin vapours...
...and danced and sang(,) tiny pieces...
For two hours(,) Okio sang...
...hand to the closest one(,) Okio watched...
...hung over her face(,) the young song...
WRITING & STYLE
Very well written. The imagery was outstanding. The descriptions and metaphors, too. Well done.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I liked the flow of the story. The way the fog wrapped around her. The only negative I have, and it is very minor, was the use of sliver and silver in the same sentence. While I thought at first it might work, reading it again, I did not like the way it sounded. It could also be confusing to a reader since the words are so similar.
COMMENTS
You must be really scared of spiders for this encounter to scar you for life.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
I found no errors in either.
WRITING & STYLE
The descriptions of some of the campground areas were very vivid. I could see the spider webs hanging -- almost feel them crawling on me. Wonderful.
LIKES & DISLIKES
I was waiting for more, honestly. Not that it needed it, though. I read the tag line and just expected more than just spiders. Don't get me wrong, this is a wonderful story and I enjoyed reading it.
COMMENTS
Funny stuff...and oh so true. Even for us dads who share the workload with their wife. Anyway, I have no real suggestions for you, since the one I use wouldn't work for you. I just get up ten minutes early, but then you wont get your 8 hours sleep, or your hot water. Sorry!
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...get a snack., well...
You have an extra period after snack.
WRITING & STYLE
Your frustration really comes out in this piece. Your day certainly is full. Very well written.
LIKES & DISLIKES
The humor is great -- and real. Kids are a pain in the butt.
COMMENTS
Funny and informative. Makes me want to go and get some nice fermented hops and fertilize my lawn. Not necessarily in that order.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...of the basics, before they...
The comma is not needed.
WRITING & STYLE
You wrote this in a way that people can understand. By using the bacon cheeseburger example, I was able to better understand what lawns needed to thrive.
LIKES & DISLIKES
The only thing I dislike? Is that now I am hungry for a nice juicy bacon cheeseburger.
Seriously, this is a wonderful column. Keep it up.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING
At one point you spelled pod with a lowercase 'p', then another with a capital 'P'. Be consistent.
WRITING & STYLE
The style was great for a short piece like this. You don't have words to waste, and you did not. Little description, but enough to inform us.
LIKES & DISLIKES "Sir, 35 confirmed missing 200 injured, 70 critical, and 125 dead or black carded,"...
When writing dialog, it is a good idea to spell out numbers.
I like the referenced quote at the end. Very fitting.
I would love to see this expanded after the contest is over.
GRAMMAR & SPELLING ...him and(,) in revenge(,) rips the scientist's...
In the last page of the book...
On the last page...
...off or Mary(')s calling out...
...start and (after) grabbing his gun, (he) ran to the bedroom.
WRITING & STYLE
The style fit perfectly with the story. You had a comedic/dark style, but some tension was added for that extra element. The ending was truly funny, and a great way to break the tension.
LIKES & DISLIKES
Please add a blank line after each paragraph. It makes it easier to read.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 3:32am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
