Dear BeginnerMan01
This story is still awesome. Thank you for using my previous suggestions. Those two parts I mentioned look much cleaner to me now. Don't worry if some people might be offended because of the swearing. We all hear it every day, we all know the words and if it's only here and there during the story-and if it's justified, like some terrible crap just went down-most people would understand. If you want you can make up your own swear words since it's your own world, or you can make up phrases to use in place of them; for example, this guy, Norman Mailer, wrote fug in his book, The Naked and the Dead, to replace the four letter variant just because it showed up so much. Or you can use a phrase similar to Jesus Christ on roller skates, it's up to you. Let me know what you think of this idea.
With the section that you recently put up, the only things I can really pick at is that you could have a paragraph for the transition between the labs and the restaurant like this:
'Matthies led us out of lab 3 and back to the auditorium where we were released, and given free lunch passes for the day.
After some debate Carl and I decided to bring our new partners to our favorite campus restaurant, the Binger. An odd place for sure but they had some great food. we were seated in a seat next to the window.' [And yes, I copied and pasted ;)]
You could even have a small scene of them leaving and describing the weather a little bit and the area, so that the reader can visualise everything easier. All of this up to you of course.
Another thing is that you over-use exclamation marks just a tad. A few times every couple of pages or so is fine, but not twice in the same line. With exclamation marks, less is more.
One more thing is where you did "Me!?" You never use double punctuation in this type of writing. If it was a text message in the story, fair enough, but not in this scenario. If it's obviously a question, you can leave out the "?" If it's not maybe do something like:
'"Me?" Patrick practically yelled. "Well I used to be a middle school teacher over in London..."'
Again, it's up to you if you take this suggestion on board or not.
The last thing that I picked up was is that there are several times where you forgot to use a capital letter. Just go back through and kind of speed-read through it to find them. This one isn't up to you, it's an order.
One last suggestion I have is upload whole chapters, if possible, not just little tid-bits, so that you don't leave your readers hanging over nothing.
A tip I have that I have for you is to write a few sentences, read them out loud a few times and if you find yourself changing it somehow, use that version instead. Another tip is, once you're done with a writing session, go back and edit it. It may take a bit more time, but it's worth it.
Please let me know what you think of my suggestions and please keep me updated if possible. Good lick and keep writing.
Sincerely,
Rhyz |
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