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Herein lays one Rewrite’s humble view… Take it right or wrong or not at all but please do for me these simple three: keep your mind open, your prose malleable, and always let your imagination run free. We all strive to improve and we all can learn and grow together.
Now, let’s dive in…
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A Review of:
Everyone grab your favorite beverage, go get comfy somewhere, and read this! Then come back and catch up
I can easily tell a lot of work went into this. Bravo! Twenty Chapters! That is an achievement in itself! This was a fun read. You certainly have talent and dedication to go this far with this, keep it up!
I want to start by taking a high level view first and then moving down into smaller details. So... take each of the chapters and line them up on the floor. Good, now fly up to about 500 feet (You might need an upper step to help you with this if you haven't moved on to the advanced flying class yet. I'm sure they won't mind. )
Plot
You have some nice plot lines going here. You mentioned in the intro to the book that you were writing it to see how it would end. To me, that does show up a bit. In some parts, I feel the story seems to be discovering itself which can be confusing for the reader. Let me try and explain... In my opinion, what tends to happen is information gets chopped up and put out of order. The reader gets information later in the story that would have been helpful to know reading parts earlier on before that. Sometimes the reader doesn't get certain information all together and is left confused. Does that make sense?
An example from your work I'll try and describe this with is the combats. (I'll go more in depth about the combats next) As the book progresses we (the reader) are given new chunks about how the combats work, but I feel it might be a little sporadic, maybe a little out of order. For instance, the beginning of chapter 12 starts off with a paragraph 'telling' (I'll mention this again later as well) us how combat works. But before this, in chapters 9 and 10, we've had two chapters about Division meetings, a quick discussion on battle tactics, and an introduction to one of the fighting stadiums. All of that happened before we even found out how the combat event actually works (rules, etc.). See what I mean by things might be out of order? I was wondering how the actual battles worked while reading 9 and 10 which left me a little confused and hung up to what they were talking about and what was going on. When I got to 12 I finally got some of the information I was wondering about.
The thing I love about fantasy writing is that we can write about anything! We can create our own world in which we can break all the 'rules' of the world that you and I know and live in. People can fly, hurl bolts of lightning, and they might not be humans to begin with! Now, and here's the important part, in the worlds we create, there are still rules. (Well, 99.99% of the time.) The challenge to us as writers is to convey the rules of our world to the reader in a way that makes them understand 'this' is how my world works.
So I guess my main suggestion here is to take a look at how your story flows. From your 500 foot viewpoint take a look down at what you've got. Take a look at what is the main event(s) that happen in each chapter and how the story flows. How is information about your world related and in what order. Read through with your 'reader' cap on (after, of course, removing the 'writer' cap which knows everything about every plot line, character, emotion, etc.) You have to go with only what is written on the pages! Sometimes this can be a tricky mindset to get into. Sometimes walking away from it for a little bit can help or work on something else for a little, just to get your mind off it.
The two main areas which I think you should look at with this are Combat and the purpose of The Academy Look at how/what the reader understands as they go from page one onward.
Magic in general is another area that you could look at. I think how it works really isn't talked about until chapter 17. I think it would be useful to the reader to learn a little more about it earlier on.
Alright, that said; let me get into some details...
Combat
Ah, battle! These contests seem to me to be the center point of what the Academy is about. The combats seem to be pretty intense to! Very action packed, I like it! I think the main thing that I keep getting caught up with is not understanding the rules to combat as I went through the story. Not just within the actual battles themselves, but how the teams are set up with Divisions, groups, etc. and also why they are set up that way. As I mentioned above this is an area where info is spread out. I don't believe a full explanation of how exactly the points system is given either. I feel that getting a clear explanation out earlier on the points system, and the overarching rules to combat, etc. would help smooth things out for the reader.
Combat Related Questions:
What are the goals/jobs of each of the divisions? (i.e Aerial Patrol vs. Aerial Squad, Ground Division vs. Ground Patrol)
How are they supposed to help each other and work as a team?
How are points calculated in the actual battle contests?
If they can't get hurt fighting on battle island, how does one knock another person out?
Where do they practice? vs. Where do they fight? I kept getting confused as to if they were actually practicing on the 'battle island' or in individual training arenas.
I got the sense that it was not an easy task to win a combat. Having to knock everyone on the opposing team out or have them surrender. With that in mind, I had a hard time believing that one of the combats in chapter 12 only lasted three minutes. I couldn't see how that would be possible. You might want to add a little more detail on how that was accomplished, it could become a very entertaining scene!
The Academy
I'm getting conflicting ideas about the purpose of The Academy. The thing that confuses me is that everyone is acting like this is a normal academic school while the focus seems to be on military training and combat. Again, as I mentioned in the beginning, the Academy is another area which I feel the info comes in pieces scattered throughout. When you talk about the history of the Academy you do mention it was founded as a way for the new self imposed king to raise an army and take over. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem to relate to the reader that the Academy or the students have that intent in the present.
It's fine if this is your intention to hide the main focus of the school actually being military training. But everyone seems to give me the impression that they are their to just learn magic. They do not seem to react to the major focus on military training and combat. I would imagine if they did think they were there only to learn magic, then they would be wondering why they are going through basic training. This led me back to the same question several times as I went through your work: Why are they there? I mean this to both the Academy and to the students.
Academy Related Questions:
What is the full name of the academy?
Why do people choose to go there?
How many years is the school? (Is it the equivalent of high school and college together?)
What do people outside the Academy believe the Academy teaches/does?
If it did stop becoming a military training base, when did it stop and why?
Characters
You have a lot of great characters in this! Nice job. Some of the situations that you put the characters in to interact with each other are just fun to read. Wonderful interaction between characters! This is definitely your strongest point with this work.
With all these great characters came something I did get slightly confused on; who are the main characters of the story? From your intro to the book I was thinking Eunae, Calixte, and Kasity would be them. But after reading through this, I didn't feel that they were it. Kasity and Eunae I definitely feel are main characters. I got a lot of background info and character development on them. Maybe this was done on purpose but I didn't feel Calixte got enough attention/development to be considered a main character. Yes, the plot near the end did include her, but I didn't get to know much about her. I get the feeling with where the plot seems to be headed; Calixte has a lot to do with what happened in the prologue and in chapter 5.
Other characters I thought might be main characters: Karynn, Aidan, Adely.
My other thought on characters in general is that usually I think the main characters interact at some point. With each other or against each other, a relationship is built. I don't think there was much of a relationship built between Kasity and Eunae. The two of them separately interacted with Calixte, but not much with each other.
Eunae
Nice background story on her! Her sensory ability is awesome!
"Her departure would provide extra recognition for her mother and sister, and would give them better status. They might even be able to move out of the widow's section."
I was left with wondering why this is. How does Eunae's leaving her mother and sister help raise their status even enough that they can move out? I didn't find an answer to this one.
Chapter 7, wow! Amazing backstory with Eunae's parents and the baby. These are some great details!
"The rumor that she was a professional secretly helping Sylph originated after the last sensory contest, which she had won easily, beating all the other Clouds almost single-handedly."
Their is a lot of talk about the different classes that the characters are taking. The few times that you show some of what's taking place within the classes are great! (Especially the lesson on shields scene in Chapter 11! I loved it!) After reading the above I really wished I could have seen this class where Eunae beat out everyone else in sensory. I think it would be another great scene to show the readers more depth into Eunae.
How did Eunae get selected to go into the Sylph Cloud?
Chapter 18 threw me a little bit with Eunae's abilities. Right at the beginning of this chapter she senses what the teacher was about to say. I refer to my rambling about rules to your world and making sure the reader understands them. Up until this point I thought that a sensor's ability was to sense that people were around and I think they can hear what others are actually saying. I got confused when suddenly she could sense a topic that they were about to talk about.
Kasity
Again, another great detailed background story! Great conflict between Kasity and Adely.
"Kasity had not lost her mother; her mother had left because of her windblown spirit."
The one element I was wondering about was Kasity's feelings towards her real mother. Did she miss her? Did she want to go and find her? Wonder where she was?
Great scene in Chapter three with the vision test!
"Kasity felt she belonged in the lonely, wooden building high above the rest of the Academy campus..."
This is the beginning of Chapter 6. Why does Kasity feel this way? What led her to this feeling? I wasn't sure where this was coming from.
"Kasity subconsciously took out her sling and loaded it."
What magic does Kasity know? I was surprised to see her pull out a slingshot. I guess I figured she would be using some kind of magic she had been training.
Great scene in Chapter 14 with Kasity's mistake. Great conflict!
Calixte
What an intriguing character!
I mentioned before that I'm thinking Calixte has something to do with the prologue sequence. If that is the case I can see why you might not want to go into much detail about her character's (as Calixte) past. That said, the character of Calixte, even being seemingly very powerful and ahead of her time, seems to be a slightly flat character. I just don't feel like I know much about her. Other then the opening chapter (chp 1), she doesn't seem to form relationships with any one else. In the opening I got expectations that she would form either a close bond with Eunae or they would become enemies. I felt like it could go either way.
I got a little confused when Calixte showed up in chapter 2. While I was reading it for the first time, I thought that chapter 1 and chapter 2 were happening at the same time. Both Eunae and Kasity were traveling to the Academy at the same time. If this was the case then Calixte was in two places at the same time! I originally thought this was pretty cool until it wasn't mentioned later and I came to the conclusion that your intent might have been that the two trips to the Academy did not in fact happen at the same time, but one before the other. That's an area you could take a look at to smooth out.
Showing vs. Telling
You have a lot of really great details but take a look through each chapter and see where you might be simply 'telling' the reader details where you could be 'showing' them the same information within a scene. Doing this also helps bring out more from the characters and how they act/react to the situation they are put in.
Some of the main areas I saw this with were: Fighting in combats and the Cooperative Economical Living (CEL)
I love the CELs, quite an original way of looking at them! We hear about how bad they are but we never really 'see' them being done or exactly what chores they need to do. See if you can show them to the reader and just how bad they are.
With the fighting, chapter 12 was the main part where a lot of telling goes on. The combats themselves seem to be the highlight of the school year. The beginning of chapter 12 starts off with a paragraph telling the reader how combat works. Right after we aren't exactly 'told' in the same sense about how the first fight occurs, but we only get to see it by the commentary of two people. I would love to see the combats take place! Describe the actual action that happens. Later on you do get into a little of the actual combat fighting. I think you could go further with this though.
A few Individual Chapter Comments/Questions
Prologue
"Valorén ignored her as a small wisp of a memory floated over Radi's arm."
This was pretty cool. What did the wisp of a memory look like?
"Valorén's face was incensed, but frosty white, blending with the long, ivory-blonde hair that swept back from her face. Her eyes, midnight black and glowing, burned with a dark anger."
Amazing detail! Bravo!
Show Valorén's reaction to Vivels saying "you were going to use me for the sacrifice anyway. I know it, Valorén." I was looking for conformation or denial from Valorén but I never saw it.
Show Valorén's emotions to figuring out that the power was reversible. She sort of states that it is reversible and then does it. But did the power stay with Radi? I got confused later on in the book...
Chapter 1
It seems Eunae and Calixte are about to arrive at the Academy. They start talking at this point. I was wondering how long the trip was and why hadn’t they started talking to each other when Eunae first got picked up if Calixte was sent to get her.
Chapter 2
I love the separate mode of transportation described in this chapter! The boat ride was a cool idea.
You mention the importance of everyone taking common language classes but I don't see any other languages being spoken. That's an element you could maybe include; Language conflicts or language difficulties to those having a hard time with the class.
This is also where the "ultimate goal" is mentioned. I'm not sure if this is combat related but I wanted to point out that this is an unanswered question that was brought up. What is the ultimate goal?
Chapter 9
"Personally I think there will be a strong emphasis on terrain..."
Calixte mentions this talking about the upcoming first battle. How does she know which terrain it’s going to be?
At the end of this chapter Calixte had said she was going to show Eunae Terrain Stadium. They stop at the entrance but that's the last that is mentioned. Do they go inside and look around? This was a confusing end to a chapter.
Chapter 11
"At the height of her speed, something ran straight into her from the back. Her neck cracked as her feet flew straight into the air, and she hit the ground and began rolling, another sweaty body entangled in hers. Her head bounced in the dirt as she struggled to stop herself, then the ground leveled out and she crashed, her entire body ached."
From this description, especially the part about her neck cracking, I would think she should be dead at least really really hurting. After this though they seem to get up, shake the dirt off and are fine. Depending on how badly you wanted them to get hurt by this, you may want to keep going with the injuries after this or scale back on the hurting details while they are falling.
Chapter 13
Why was Adely unable to do magic after Kasity did the great 'make mud pour out of her mouth' gag?
Chapter 16
"And the final result... Sylph wins!' The crowd began to leave, still muttering discontentedly."
It seems after this big win that everyone just leaves, ho hum. Wouldn't people still be there screaming and hollering over the win?
At the end of this chapter Calixte returns unscathed after as what I'd like to call... a true beat down... even though she did win. But no one reacts much to the quick heal? This got me wondering about the do they really get hurt or not in the battle grounds question...
Chapter 18
Ah ha! Chapter 18 really got the plot moving! It was good to see the plot thicken!
Grammar
Everyone loves Grammar! Words are our clay. So making them flow is always something to continue working on. Trust me, I didn't have as much time as I would have liked so you can probably find a ton of mistakes right here in this post! The key is making it so the reader can sink right into the words and not get caught up on grammar mistakes along the way.
A few things I caught:
Chapter 6:
"Karynn let out a plaintive moan, which made Rissy Giggle.
'CEL stinks,' she said consolingly, 'but with a little luck...'"
Who starts talking here? Karynn or Rissy?
"This made Karynn laugh, and oddly enough, this laughter caused a happy heat to spread throughout her stomach. Karynn was trying to act friendly, Kasity realized."
Missing the 'to' here.
Chapter 7
"Her parents finally had her tested for Sensory when she was close to two years old, and her mother her mother's second pregnancy, when Eunae put her head..."
Something is a little off here.
Chapter 11
"Finally, Cooperative Economic Living was over, and Kasity could take a real Special Class for the first time. She, Karynn, and Aidan had signed up for a Defensive Magic class first, mainly under Calixte's direction.
'You haven't learned enough to really get much out of an Offensive class,' she told them..."
Who starts talking here? Kasity, Karynn? Not sure
"The Wyverns laughed louder as Jaxith crossed his arms over her chest and looked a embarrassed."
Small typo here. Delete the 'a' before 'embarrassed'.
Chapter 12
"Kasity saluted in her mind and prepared her slingshot once again. Aidan had his eyes closed, his face set. Then, an unmistakable whoop echoed through the air and Lander appeared, flying shots like crazy."
I'm assuming 'flying' should be 'firing' here.
Chapter 15
"'you didn't come to Vivele's funeral,' said Calixte, her eyes bright and the muscles in her face taut.
Vivele? Who was Vivele?"
Who said the second line?
Chapter 16
"Inside the stadium, the tension was thicker than the dense fog that had settled overnight the morning of the Final Round. Kasity stood for a moment in the doorway, still feeling a bit drowsy from the effect of the magic, and wondering what in exactly had happened."
I think the 'in' needs to be deleted.
Chapter 17
"'She wanted us to sense her words!' Crowed Shant.
'It makes perfect sense'
'Sensory! I did Sensory!'"
Who said the last two lines?
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As always, I would love to hear back from you. I’m excited to see where this goes. Yeah or nay, let me know what you think of anything I’ve written here. If you decide to try some changes I’d love to look this over again if you so desire.
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