The sterno cans sent up that something was not quite the way I thought things were going to be feeling, but I was still clueless. Thinking the cop was a bad egg. You led and I certainly followed, and then Wham! Overall I enjoyed reading, and I truly like being surprised. Well done!
Engaging, funny, believable. I guessed that what he was thinking was not what was in store for him, but even so the ending was still a surprise. Enjoyed reading.
The following caused me to stop and reread: -- Slowly, my shoulders drooping with disappointment. I made my way down to the skateboard park and sat down on a park bench. -- A comma is needed instead of a period between disappointment and I.
In my opinion I think using slowly is redundant as "my shoulders drooping with disappointment, I made my way..." shows through his body language that he is moving slowly.
As I drew close to the end, my hand was over my heart, just waiting. This was picture perfect for this reader. I could see it all, feel it. The end was precisely gloriously right. As the mother of three sons, this piece took me back again to the terror and thrill.
I wish I had a disappearing/releasing spell for wings. What a lovely story. I enjoyed it very much. I thought the relationship between mother and son was solid and loving. I felt instant liking for them both. In reading, I felt as if I was there in the kitchen while mother and son shared their early morning conversation. I wonder if there will be more to this story in the future. I hope so.
Just a thought, readers might find it easier to read if there was double spacing between the paragraphs.
Now that is a sister we would all love to call our own. She's right you know. I enjoyed your story. I've been there with the cleaning out of storage. I had to smile at the compassion exercised with the wee mice. Keep writing.
Poetry is not my idea of what I really want to read random or otherwise. There are of course exceptions, and this Witchdraft (clever) would be one. Well Done. I enjoyed each and every line. I had no idea ogre snot would help in bringing out my words.
Well written. Not preachy. Thought provoking. In my opinion starting with the joke, I think allows the reader to be more openly receptive to what follows.
Excellent. The plot glides along seamlessly. The story kept my interest in the entirety. The characters are well developed. I very much like Analia. The only disappointment was there was not more of it. I hope you will continue the Analia's journey.
I did find the following:
“Please sit and appraise me of you plight, Analia. (you plight, your plight) (appraise I think should be apprise)
“They’re awesome!” Analia muttered. (use of the word awesome seemed to me not to fit the era of the tale, simply my prejudice).
We can blame his death on nosy this little bitch.” (nosy this, this nosy)
I really enjoyed the read. I thought the weaving of the now with memory from the past very well done, the way I was taken to the log ago game and very strategically returned to the present still unsuspecting, but then whammo ~ what a great ending. Reality tells me never would happen but the story made be want to believe it. If I have one critique, it would be to tighten up the punctuation. I think my grandson would enjoy this story, his grandmother sure did.
Excellent job done with the prompt, very imaginative. The language used was such that I could see the musical notes take over Walter's body. I always like restitution and making things right in a story, just personal preference. Nicely done. I became a little confused as to the main character's name as it starts off as Walter and then becomes Waldo. Great ending line.
Very, very nice start to what I think is a good story. The suspense is certainly built, and I was dissappointed there was not more. Very effecitive his gearing up before the phone even rings, nice touch. I am going to follow this, so I can find out where the twists and the turns will go.
Liked this turn of phrase "let the falling rain blanket the dry desert"
Just a few notes:
On your questions - What can I do, Why does the storm -- I would change the periods to question marks.
singing along their radio ~ along with
And talking to ~ and talking to
ten minutes in pasting - ten minutes in passing
Rays towing ~ Ray's Towing
Thank you for requesting me to review. It is a first for me.
I liked the account you have written. It is compact. Presents a dispassionate account of your ancestry which in my view is the best way to look into the rooms of our faraway past. Your summation is apt, but then mongrel does gives the gift of diverse. I would have given this 4 and a bit if not for the typos (reaearch, and nproving).
Nice flow. Never asked myself - do I really want to keep reading this? The story managed to be a bit of a roller coaster ride for my feelings, engaged me emotionally. I liked that the story kept to the hard edge of life showing that living it is not easy but sometimes we find an island of comfort while just get on with it.
I liked the way this was broken into pieces using the dates. In just a bit less then a month, the world had a new deadly disease, thousands dying. Who says one man can't change things. I thoroughly disliked John Surrat, but that is why this story was so good, that and the poetic justice. I very much enjoyed the read.
Whether this happened or not, I have no idea, but I was totally felt that it did. I experienced a gamut of emotions with the read: Incredulity, fear, anger, hate, trapped, hopeless, helpless, relief, resignation, and the system "scares the daylights" out of me too. I was absolutely on board from the first word to the last. Excellent read.
Very nice effort. A ticking clock in a darkened room can be very scary stuff. The eerie buildup was well done. The climatic -- "Tick. Tock. Time kills us all eventually." -- left me a bit disappointed that the story was at an end. This may be all you want to do with this, but this reader thinks it could also be used as the building block to an even scarier more haunting piece with more work. Write on.
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