You can't beat the terror of the thought on someone entering your home. When I started to read this, at first I was not sure if she was asleep and Damon was just some weirdo who liked to sneak in and take pictures during the night, then reading further I realised that this was far more macabre than that. Great descriptions, you totally got into the part of Damon when writing and it made me actually shudder to think of him doing all that stuff - yuk! Well done - great piece of writing.
I loved the start of this piece. "He may not be compatible with life". What a picture this paints! Who, what, why? all the questions that were racing through my mind after just these three lines. I was compelled to keep reading just to find the answers. When I read through and I got them I was quite shocked. It was not what I was expecting at all. I thought it was some sort of accident and not ( well I won't spoil it for others!). What a fantastic idea to write about, although very sad and touching the way your wrote it came across brilliantly. I especially like the twist with Grief being described as a person. Touching, heart-rendering and descriptive - Well done. I'm going to read the next piece now! :)
Stumbled across this by mistake and just had to sneak a peek!
I am just starting the HSP course in March and if you dont mind will take heed of your notes here to help me through the whole process. Your notes make perfect sense and contain some really useful information. Definately in my favourites!
The first time I read this through to be honest I wasn't quite sure what, where or why however on my second read i saw a deeper under meaning of where it was going (I think) and then on the third read it clicked. I like your way of seeing the world and how we as a human race not only let ourselves be sucked in but almost welcome it with open arms at times.
I don't really know much about poetry as a whole but I enjoyed your piece - you obviously have talent and flair for words.
Well Done :)
I liked this piece of writing. A nice round story from start to finish back to the start again. I liked the way you used the length of your sentences to make an impact. Short when it needed speeding up, and longer for the slow intense burn. Sometimes I felt I personally got lost in POV flicking from past to present to past but in the aspect of the story it was needed with going back 10 years. I read to the end and on finishing I was still interested to know whay Myra was calling for, why does she want to meet Up? I guess I will have to read Part 2 to find out!
On a boring note, I never picked up on any major typo's or grammatical boobs and overall this is a good dramatic, modern romantic piece.
Oh my goodness! What a read. This is one of my worst fears to be buried alive. The way you developed this story was brilliant. I really got behind Mary as a character and could totally sympathise with her. I really want her husband to get caught out. The end was great as part of the genre behind the story but what if she had been seen at the last minute - what would happen then???
I really liked this piece. I will admit I am not a great poetry reader or writer for that matter but I opted for a random read and this came up. I like the way your lines flow, the words run together well and the poem makes sense. There is nothing worse that reading a poem that leaves you with the almighty "what just happened there" feeling. The torment in the writers soul comes through well. The last verse is slightly shocking but it a way that fits in well with the verses before. Well done.
Great piece. There are many "how to's" when it comes to writing and the big ones are always show not tell and use your senses. The way in which you describe the latter of the two writing "must haves" is fresh and easy to understand. This piece itself is a must have for all new writers both young and old to read, take in and learn some valuable tips from. Well done.
Hi, I just read your piece and hope you don't mind me commenting on it.
This is a good start to a story but I will say I found the very first paragraph about the house description from the outside really hard work. What with all the different descriptions about the triangles and then about the side of the house. I felt it was a little too complicated and never really got an idea of how the house was supposed to look like. This aside, once I got past that I started to see a little of where the story was going. You have hinted about a mysterious past which will be intriguing to see where this is going. Keep going and I look forward to reading the next chapter. Keep smiling. Renn:)
Just read your piece about your brother Shaun. It is so nice to see writing from the heart, this is special and shows how much you think of your brother. There are a couple of spelling errors and grammatical errors but nothing too much to deviate away from the writing. You sound like you have been through such a lot within your 17 years and this has given you that special bond that only siblings can get. I enjoyed reading this and hope to read more in the future.
I like this. I can relate to the guy in the poem as time flies past so quickly and we do not seem to have enough hours in the day to retain our youth.
I like the image that it creates in my head of someone actually physically searching for his youth. The way that you have him running against the crowd - I guess this refers to the way in which the older generation is pushed aside in todays society. I like the way it flows not in any particular rhythm. The only query I would have is whether there should be capital letters in the first line (Twice) and also line 17 (A)
Overall reaction: A very good piece of work, makes you think about your own life and whether or not you live every day to the full.
Flow: good & equal
Comments: just a couple,
I would personally remove the ?as the question is not finished until the end of the following line - Did I have a long exciting journey?
I think that there needs to be either a comma or colon in this line "Did I choose the path I took (,) was it planned?
I think you missed a letter l - Was I aware I travel(l)ed, did I want to strive
I liked it and think we should all ask ourselves these questions on a daily basis may be then we will all be able to do something with our lives!!
When I first started to read this I wasn't sure how it was going to catch my attention and keep me reaading, but I was nicely surprised. I am starting to really get into the story and will have t oread the next part too to see how this continues. I think your age range for this tale is about right, although a 14 year old may find the story a little too far-fetche and may not be wanting to read about cats. I am going to get my 10 year old daughter's opinion on this as she is currently reading another story about a cat and she loves it. In my opinion the start of the story is cute and gives little indication as to where it is going to go. This could put off a few readers who may think its a cute and cuddly kitten story however, once you get into the latter parts it does start to get less "cuddly". I like the fact that you have built conflict into the story by adding the bully to Joshua''s story - you should keep this going as a sub-plot. I loved the fact that his friend Sam stood up for him and belted the bully. I will be honest I did not see any obvious grammartical or punctuation errors, the read flowed well and I didn't feel that it was boring or a drag to read. Overall I enjoyed it and will continute to read on.
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