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Review of the deserter  Open in new Window.
Review by John Price Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I have to say, I was very impressed with what you have so far. The story is building very well towards its climax, can't wait to see what that will be. Your title is great for catching the attention of someone scrolling through the list. Your characters are realistic and easy to sympathize with, I think you did a very good job with them. Overall, the story thus far seems very much realistic and believable. I did notice a few small grammar mistakes peppered throughout the passage, not a big deal but I would recommend a quick proof reading before posting a final copy. My only other complaint comes with your rifle range scene. The setting is perfect, the imagery very vibrant and intense. This is exactly how you feel taking long range shots, and I'm glad to see that you captured it brilliantly. My problem is with the distance at which the recruits are training with their rifles. 1000 meters is quite the distance to qualify with an iron sight rifle. For example, the max effective range of an M16 rifle is about 500-600 meters, with or without an optic. If the marines are drilling with something different, such as a marksman's rifle, then I would recommend stating this somewhere in the scene. I know it's a small detail, but it's the kind of thing that really stands out to someone that may have been in the position your characters are in right now. Long story short, this was a great passage with just a few small errors that can be easily corrected. Hope this was helpful, can't wait to see what happens next.
John
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