I have been away from this site for some time, so please excuse my review as it has been a while since I wrote one.
By reading the title I was not sure what to expect, as your piece could have gone many different directions. But after finishing poem, I believe the title fits very well.
I like that your poem is short, and it isn't dragged out. I feel as though your words have been hand picked carefully. This is essential in such a short piece, as careless words can really take away a lot from what you are trying to say.
I love how lines 1, 3, and five all build off of each other. I also love that through the poem, you feel as though the individual is processing their situation. it is not merely questions, but a learning process, or rather a relization
Thanks for posting for a review and letting other read your work :)
I'll start with the tile first, since that's the first thing a reader sees. I believe the title is perfect for this piece. It fits perfectly with the birthing/carrying imagery expressed through out the work.
As far as content goes, I liked the idea you are expressing.
Favorite line:
"An. angry light hits these unseeing eyes too soon."
Although I do believe there is a punctuation error there, with the period after 'an'.
I personally found this piece a little hard to read, it didn't flow quite so smooth. There are a couple rhyme here and there, but not very consistently. Also, I am reading from a Mobil phone, so I'm not sure if its affecting the formatting. But the lines through the piece fluctuate between single apace and double space which is making it a little bit difficult to follow fluidly
wow,this story was really entertaining. The was it opened caught my attention. I also liked the chapater lengths, they were long enough to say what you wanted, but not so lenghty that the reader starts to get bored with it. Loved the whole idea of the story, never heard of something like that. the end was sad though,but swtill good :)
So I fanally made it to the beginning, after readinf partts two and three lol. So now everything made sense. Again, I love the amount of detail you use, it makes the setting seem real, without sounding like your rambling on over nothing. I alos like how you added in times, it makes it seem more intresting, and that was the first thing that coaught my attention.
yeah, so I accidentaly read part 3 first, but now alot more makes sense, though I still need to go back and read part one. BUt again, great detail, and transitions. there was definatly alot more dialoug in this one than the last. But it was done well, and still kept my attention. :)
You put a great deal od detail into this, especialy at the beginning. Thats what drawed me into the story, actually. This is also quite easy to follow, with smooth transitions. The dialogue was doen well, each charcter with a voice of their own, and it was easy to tell the diffrence between the characters when speaking. :)
This piece is powerful, love the rhyming. when reading you feel the addiction, and a sort of desperation, yet the seriousniss of which you speak. But the choice between the two, you and pot, was explained quite nicley, and I like the bit about "jungle of weeds"
I liked the fact that the last word in every stanza rhymed, though this could also be its downfall. It seemed like you tried just a little to hard to rhyme then on what you were actually writing. It needs a little work, but all in all its a good start
This reads quite well, and is pleasing to the eyes. I like the aabb structure, and your choice of words. Your emotion is clearly getting threw, with the repatition of pian in various ways
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The stricture here, three quatrain stanzas, is nice and easy on the eyes. They way the 2nd and 3d line rhyme makes the whole thing sound smooth and easy to read. Good job :)
This prologue was quite interesting. The setting of battle was clear from the start, and the words like slice, sword, die, charged, and rallied all fight this setting/theme. Though you paragraphs are short they have a large impact on the overall look. Giving enough detail to make things intresting, with out over doing it and making seem like a play-by-play. I also like how you switched up sentence length through out the entire pice. Alternating short and long sentences so as not to have the reader get bored. Great job! :)
WoW, This piece is amazing!!! I love the twist of the lullaby, making it something creept, somthing dark. It has a certain pull to it, like a bad car crash, no matter how much iot horrifies you you cant look away. I must say this is one of my top 3 favorite things i have read on this site since joining nearly 2 years ago
It's nice to read peoples real thoughts every once in awhile. Your mind facinates me, the way you think, see things, is just beautiful. I like how your arent naive and think how things truley are, but with out an "emo" or negative tone. This just intrigues me, well, good look with your writing, and i cant wait to read more
This was intresting...it seemed to go in circles a bit. But you did pretty good. The structure was good, the words seemed carfully picked, loved the opening stanza
This piece was intresting, it made me think, i like that. You wrote in logical orderlly way, like the way an educated adult may think. There was also alot of information givin in a short piece.
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