I have nothing to critisize in this story, you had me hooked to the end. This is a great idea and you told the story very well. I think that this is a very original story and it can go very far.
Wow, I love this, I think you have a great Vocabulary. Also, I found this to be very interesting to read. Your use of senses make this a very relatable article. Well, done.
The only qualm I have is that I think you could do without "For the slow ones..." because it could lead to the readers feeling belittled if they didn't know what you were talking about. Other than that, I think that overall it's a very interesting read.
I think that this is a great story. I found it to be very believable and fun to read. To improve it though, I would suggest being a bit more elaborate when describing things, that way the imagery will be much more prominent. Thanks for sharing and keep writing :D
I love your originality when you tell this story. It makes the reader feel as if we are also in the story. However I think that you could be a bit more descriptive in order to enhance the imagery. Other than that, I think its great, well done and thanks for sharing.
Rebecca :)
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