Congratulations! Elle  has gifted you with Fantasy Package A bought in the Genre Auction and Fundraiser  . This consists of a review from me with a focus on world-building.
Contemporary settings are tricky when it comes to world-building. Both the author and reader may make certain assumptions and skim over aspects which would be dealt with differently if the setting were more alien. I will try to highlight the opportunities in Incident at Briar Lake, but you need to find the balance which is right for your story so pick and choose what you include.
IBL hits the ground running, establishing in just 40 words that three people are doing something dangerous. Within a page we know these are three men, the narrating protagonist is gay and the group are nokken hunting. This is an excellent start in terms of world-building. The core of the story is presented immediate with the details spilling in naturally and with instinctive timing. We're not left with a nagging hole or buried in exposition. We know where we are, what we're doing, who we are with, and we have a stable foundation to build on.
To this we can add that the characters' names imply an English speaking country. The combination of those names (Darren, Jamie, Cass) suggest to me maybe the US, but knowing your own nationality NZ is more likely. The way the three speak to each other also implies young men, which is later confirmed when parents and class papers re mentioned.
What is missing is any physical description of the boys beyond Darren's UV teeth. This loses a little bit of an opportunity because haircuts, clothes, mannerisms, the words Cass uses to describe the others can all be used for world-building by demonstrating (or defying) the social norms these three live with. It would also serve double duty in expanding on their characters.
Because Cass is narrating, the narration does two jobs: it gives insight into Cass' personality and into his world through his character. Which things he remembers from Darren's class paper show what catches his attention or possibly just how often Darren has repeated the information. Unsurprisingly Cass keeps referring back to his sexuality, which I read as him still trying to understand it and how he fits into the world. He keeps relating various observations to his sexuality as though he is measuring up other peoples' responses. Combined with the brief story of his coming-out, we can see that while homosexuality is not universally accepted where he lives, Cass isn't afraid of peoples' reactions so much as anxious about being isolated.
My last comment on Cass' narration is one of the main things which suggests the youth of the lads to me: his language is very casual. He occasionally repeats words close together, sticks in an 'also' where he needn't - as though he's just remembered something - and there are two places where, like a child, he strings a sentence along with 'and's instead of using a comma or starting a new sentence.
There is some room to further develop the eerie mood approaching the lake. A sentence more when introducing Briar Lake would do this, but you do re-establish the mood well after the whisky breaks the tension. Little, subtle things like faint sounds, the abbreviated and uneasy dialogue, the way the boys talk (or bicker). What really affects Jamie and Cass is Darren's whole-hearted belief and fear.
I find it curious that you chose to demonstrate all of the nokken's forms rather than two or three. Fewer shapes with more focused descriptions would make it easier to create an absorbing picture of the nokken. At the least there is room to further describe the allure of the nokken in terms of its effects on Cass. On the one hand Cass is drawn forward without realising it, on the other it would be possible to lose him and the reader into a more intimate description of the nokken in this form to better show that Cass is enchanted by it. Perhaps let Cass look at things other than the obvious: the turn of the nokken's jaw line, his throat, lips, collar bone, even the wrist or hip. Not everything of course, but one or two more could really compound the sense of Cass' attraction. You could - if you like - include sensations Cass feels like vertigo or tingling. The item already has a GC rating, so don't be afraid to let a siren be sensual.
The last thing I have, is that you can use Darren to draw in the wider world and show off some of your research. The example incidents at the beginning are a good part of that. An extra comment like 'Danish lore says' would just pin down the nokken is not a purely local phenomenon.
I hope these comments are useful to you and wish you the best for the new year.
-Tilly |
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The item isn't labelled as such, or formatted as such, but I believe its a free verse or prose poem.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
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"The necropsy couldn't reveal anything" could be "The necropsy revealed nothing".
Punctuality (2/3)