Wow this piece is really interesting and powerful. The structure almost looks random but it works really nicely. The words work well together and I think in a poem like this word choice is so important. It can either make or break your work.
The poem has a strange tone to it too. I’m even having trouble putting it into words. It’s lighthearted but with a like twisted dark side lying underneath. Honestly I think that’s my favorite part of the whole piece. It’s very life-like. The unexpected twists hit the reader just as they would hit the characters living them. It’s extremely clever.
Hey MichaelForester,
I had to say that I love your writing style. There are a lot of words that make the story stand out among others. I also like the story that you have tried to tell. However, I'm not sure if its clear enough. I like the characters that you have developed, however, the story itself didn't seem to follow a plot line. I feel as though this story is part of a bigger work where you had more time to explain who the characters were, their "jobs" so to speak, as well as their powers. This short story is almost too short for all that you are trying to convey. It's very difficult to try and create a whole new world as well as put characters in them in just a few sentences. With that being said, the idea is strong and your writing style is magnificent. I believe that if you did a little more explaining in your narrator's flashbacks or even turned this into a longer work, I think this could be a really fantastic story. Hope my critique makes sense and if it doesn't or you have any questions don't hesitate to email me.
Keep writing!
TheOneGirl
I'm not going to fluff this. I read this piece and I was very confused. There is no structure once or ever. There isn't even really a story. From what I could gather there was a girl who can control weather and she gets hired by a corporation, but then quits. Then she has a team. But people on the team contact her so she's not with the team. So she visits Seattle and causes mass destruction using her weather powers....confused yet?
The other problem was the spontaneous conversations and characters. A few times it felt like I had been sucked into Game of Thrones. I couldn't keep anyone straight.
I think your trying to tell too much too quickly. Take a step back and focus on one aspect. I would go with the corporation route. It could be really cool to see a news corp. hire her to be their weather girl or something so their ratings would go up. Then they start to become power hungry and try to exploit her. That would be pretty cool. But as is it's too jumbled and it doesn't really know what it wants to be. It skips around too much and the characters come out of nowhere (literally it's like they just appear in the story). Try to take a minute and get to know your characters and their personalities and make sure every character has a purpose and isn't just filler.
Alright first let me start by saying I like the idea and I really wish it were more developed. You have a promising start your beginning did grab my attention. However, the writing style and execution is very poor. I suggestion reading some suspenseful works before you continue. There are many good pieces here that I think would help you learn how to set the stage for a character and how to make the reader feel for Liv. I have attached my notes and suggestions below:
Notes:
"cold,black,ash" <-- No comma after black
"Weak spot in the defenses" <-- was it really weak? If so this doesn't quite make sense. Give a little bit more to help the reader understand.
"some defenseless others not" <-- all bodies are defenseless. maybe say something about the wounds that some obtained and how some are worse than others?
"All dead all gone" <-- I would say "But by the time I arrived their bodies were cold and stiff." This is supposed to be graphic so make it so.
Take out the first "She would go." <-- There is no reason for emphasis here.
"Careful not to step on anything" <-- I would say: Carefully stepping over the bodies, making sure she didn't disgrace a soldier's final moments with the print of her foot.
After you say "She ignored it all" take out the .... And after that sentence use a transition word like: Besides, what could she do?
"It ran past her"<-- you have to give description. This is unsuspenseful for the reader and takes away from the story if it is not explained.
" She breathed a sigh of relief. Then stood and continued walking." <-- make this one sentence
"She couldn't. Finally, the men came no more. They had gone"<-- she doesn't know this. It should say something about how she can't hear them anymore.
"It had been four days since she had eaten, slept, or stopped." <-- Take out stopped. If you are trying to show a passing of time then use a transition word, phrase or sentence here.
You can't switch from third person (having an outside narrator) to first person (having your main character narrate the story) in the middle of a story. You need to pick one and stick with it.
"my family,running" <-- no comma here
"Acting on instinct I fought out." <-- I would say "Acting on instinct I swung at the figure and darted away from the cold, firm grasp." or something of the sort
"I gave up and decided to face my fate. The footsteps slowed and approached." <-- these two sentences are backwards. You never indicated someone was chasing her again.
"I continued to cry and the forest was silent." <-- it can't be silent if its quiet. I would say something about her fear. You need to emote for your character and set the scene for your reader.
"I screamed. I arched my back, and screamed. I cried." <-- combine into one sentence. Emphasis is not necessary.
Suggestions:
Stick with 1st Person. I found the second part of your story much more interesting when I could really see into your characters head.
Read some different works. I have a few pieces on my page if you would like to look at them, and there are others around the site. I just give you mine to help you get started.
You need to explain what happened better. Are the angels she saw real? Is she on Earth? What is Lamana? These are not cliff hangers. These are essential aspects to the story and they need to be explored.
Hey Orchiddragon,
Wow. This piece is fabulous. I love the way you can get so much across with so few words. I don't even know the girl's name and yet you were still able to make me feel for her. I also like how even though this is third person narration, you still dive into her psyche. Most people avoid that, but you really went all out.
The only thing I can really critique about this piece is the pacing. It throws a lot at the reader all at once and doesn't really allow all of the painful feelings to sink in. The feelings are high all the way through. My only suggestion: maybe try to calm the story down for a few sentences in between the rape and her abusive father. That way the reader has multiple feelings that rush through their mind just as I believe your character has. Typically tortured people sway from being really happy to really depressed in a matter of seconds. So adding this aspect may not only strengthen the pain you are trying to get across, but may also strengthen the realism of the situation.
But other than that I love it. It's dark, its edgy, and its an all around well written piece. Keep up the great work!
Hey ItsASecret!
First of all I love Jade's character. She is a no nonsense person, and a bit rough around the edges but you still manage to make her likable and interesting which is very difficult to do. One thing I would suggest is to spend a little more time in each scene. I don't mean provide frivolous details but maybe dive into Jade's psyche a bit. She just met this new guy who has a hand print on his neck, so maybe you could have her think back to something or give us a bit of her thought process of what might have happened.
Little things like that can increase your character's likability even more and make your reader understand her better. Jade may need that because of her strong personality.
However, this is not to say she can't keep secrets from her reader. Just because you dive into her subconscious doesn't mean you have to reveal all.
I hoped this helped a little and I hope read more of your work soon :)
What about Luke Skywalker? Or Clint Eastwood's role in the good, the bad and the ugly. Batman? Superman? Indiana Jones? Sorry but this list lost all creditablity when Dean and Sam Winchester entered the list. This seems too cultured for my taste and it's missing some of the most famous characters from the most famous movies of all time. Most of these characters wouldn't/shouldn't have made the list even if it read "The top 100 good guys". Try watching some classics before redoing this. There are many that you have overlooked.
Hi Dreamweaver!
I decided to do a few randoms reviews soooo here's what I thought:
Your poem is very nicely written. Not only does it carry a nice story line along with developed characters (nicely done), but it is also a topic that I feel everyone can relate to. I think everyone knows a person like this and, in my mind, the more relate-able the character and plot, the more intriguing the story is.
There isn't much I would change. The only thing I would ask is maybe give more of a description of the girl? I know its a poem and description of that type isn't necessary, but maybe a few subtle hints so the reader can truly see the image in his/her mind.
That is a great story. I always love reading these because i remember that God is always with me! I think stories like these should be shared more often with other people. All in all great writing! I really like the way you brought the car to life and gave a description of what it looked like. Great imagery!! Keep writing :D
This is one epic piece of writing. Its well paced and perfectly written. there is wide variety of vocabulary yet it is easy to understand. however this piece could use a little bit more me in it. Thanks for posting this bud :D
Tony Stark
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