This is a delightful Easter poem. It has a bouncy rhythm and catchy rhymes very appropriate for the subject matter. I would read this to my grandchldren. The only suggestion I could make would be to correct a couple of spelling errors and check for ways to smooth out a couple of spots that get in the way of the natural flow. Very well done.
I enjoyed the humor and the pace of the story. Your imagery is well drawn (i.e. "lamps bled small pools...", and the clues to the final twist are subtle yet honest and revealing in layers that peel down to a logical conclusion.
The only suggestion that I can offer would be to use a more active voice in a few areas, such as;
"sensed danger" rather than "could sense danger" or "someone was waiting" into "someone waited". (paragraph 6)
Overall I thought it was a well-written and enjoyable story.
An excellent example of evoking an emotion and telling a story within the limited latitude of the flash fiction form. (Sorry about the toungue-twister) My only request would be a little more closure on whether or not John was REALLY ok. To me, it seemed to end telling me that he would still be unable to let go and move on, but that this was ok with him. Was that your intention?
Again, I thought this was an excellent telling. I would like to read more of your stories. Well done.
I enjoyed the word play of your piece and the repeating of the last two lines of the first verse in the last two lines fit the poem well and brought in a nice open conclusion. (Is that an oxymoron?) If you did a little work with the rhythm and in th process omitted a word or two, I would rate the poem even higher. It is perhaps a matter of personal taste, but I would change the word cling in the first verse to a more affectionate alternate to match the romantic tone of the rest of the piece. A very nice poem.
I enjoyed this as I was able to recognize in Hal a person that exists in every life, the person who is always late, or wrong, or confused, ... You did well in your description and in choosing representative anecdotes in representing his extreme prediliction to tardiness.
I think that , with some work on the pacing and the timng of the piece, and perhaps fitting in a bit more of Hal's character with the description of his actions you would have a very good humorous short.
I enjoyed the premise of your story and I think that you did manage to convey the feeling that the two situations were tied together in a more sinister manner than the joyous occasion on the one hand and the sympathetic response on the other would indicate by themselves. This is no small accomplishment in a piece as short as this.
Having said that, I would like to explain that I enjoy the shorter forms of fiction, both reading and writing, but I would have a hard time rating it as high as a five unless it were something completely extraordinary, and thus the rating that I have given it is in no way meant to denigrate your story but meant to indicate that it has above average merit with room for improvement.
I think that I would like to know a little more about the femme fatale of the story, and a bit more of a tie in with the murder weapon between the two scenes, perhaps some description of cause of death or condition of the body, would add to the completeness of the tale.
With just a little work I would increase the rating. Well done.
I thought this was a very good start to your story. Your description is good. The action in the opening draws you into the story and sets you up to want to read on. The action later on was well-paced and the short sentences are conducive to a tension-laden plot.
Depending upon the direction of your story hence you may want to raise the rating to 13+ as it may become too intense for younger readers.
I did notice that you introduced the story with a paragraph of action, followed by three longer paragraphs primarily consisting of description, followed by more short action paragraphs to finish. I found that the separation into sections of each slowed the story and I would suggest that you combine the discription in with the action, allowing the characters to be drawn out more naturally by the action itself.
I will not dwell on the few spelling and grammar errors as it seems early in your writing process and you probably would find those yourself during revision.
You have a nice start on a good story and I look forward to reading more.
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