A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

Original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, additional notes/suggestions are in orange.

It was a man in a cowboy outfit, from the ten-gallon hat, to the spurs on his boats, and a six-gun on his waist, with a cartridge belt.
It was a man in a cowboy outfit, from the ten-gallon hat, to the spurs on his boots, and a six-gun on his waist with a cartridge belt.

"Legend says that he fought a dridder to save the town when the man took it over with five thousand ex-soldiers."
What man took over what with five thousand ex-soldiers? If you mean the driddler taking over the town with the ex-soldiers, then you need to say 'when the driddler took it over'. If you mean Jack took the town back with five-thousand ex-soldiers, then you need to be clearer. Pronouns in this sentence get confuzzled.

As for the dridder, whose name was Jessie, Jack shoved his fist down the man's throat and had him choke on it.
As for the dridder Jessie, Jack shoved his fist down the man's throat and had him choke on it.

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A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

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A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

Original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, additional notes/suggestions are in orange.

all had been raided by those lead by the dridder whose name, Jack had found out, was Jessie.
all had been raided by those lead by the dridder, Jessie.
You've only talked about one driddler, so it's pretty safe to assume we know who you are talking about. Re-mentioning that Jack 'found out his name' is unnecessary.

As a result, once Lahorn, a young Texan minotaur, had told Red Horn, who was a buffalo minotaur, that Jack needed help to rescue his family, the man had told his shamans to contact those of the other tribes, as well as light smoke signals for there were tribes who didn't have a shaman of their own.
As a result, once Lahorn had told Red Horn that Jack needed help to rescue his family, the chief had told his shamans to contact those of the other tribes, and he had smoke signals sent for those tribes who didn't have a shaman of their own.

As a result, there was now over two thousand warriors surrounding the town, loosing an arrow every so often at one of the raiders, more to make them keep their heads down than anything else.
As a result, there were now over two thousand warriors surrounding the town, loosing an arrow every so often at one of the raiders.
You probably don't need to remind the reader again why they are shooting arrows at the raiders.

"Alright," the man said, as he started to tell the others, as Jack and Jacob started to walk through town, being careful not to be spotted by the Mayor and Sheriff's men, as they fired in the direction of the warriors that surrounded the town.
"Alright," the man said and turned to tell the others. Jack and Jacob started to walk through town, being careful not to be spotted by the Mayor and Sheriff's men who were firing in the direction of the warriors that surrounded the town.

Over to the northwest area was where a lot of gunfire was taking place, as that was where the ranch hands from the Double D were at, trying to get their stolen cattle back.
The northwest area was the heaviest shootout at the moment, as the the ranch hands from the Double D were trying to get their stolen cattle back.

However, Jack, who'd been under a window near where the dridder had been standing, remembered what he said he'd do to those two, followed the dragon.
Jack overheard these orders from the window he hid under, and remembering his oath to destroy the driddler's associates, followed the dragon.

"So you like to have young females, who aren’t even proper young ladies yet, pleasure you hu?" asked an angry voice. "Well, let's see how you like it when you lose your manhood!"
"So you like to have young girls pleasure you, huh?" asked an angry Jack, ____describe what Jack is doing to the dragon from the guy's back___. "Well, let's see how you enjoy pleasure without your manhood!"

Then, the person got off of his back, grabbed him by his shirt collar, picked him up, and slammed his head into one of the cell doors.
Jack slid off of Wesley's back and grabbed him by his shirt collar before he could so much as move, picked him up, and slammed his head into one of the cell doors.

"It's going to take a lot more than that to kill me Dog!" he shouted, turning around fast enough, that his assailant was unable to release his grip, and was slammed against the cell door himself, forcing him to let go. However, it was at that moment, that his groin erupted in pain, and blood started to gush out from that region.
"It's going to take a lot more than that to kill me Dog!" Wesley shouted, turning around fast enough to slam Jake against the cell door through sheer momentum, forcing him to let go.

However, it was at that moment, that his groin erupted in pain, and blood started to gush out from that region.
This is a telling sentence. Use this as an opportunity to describe Jack performing this action.

Meanwhile, Jacob was once again regretting the lose of his eye.
Meanwhile, Jacob was once again regretting the loss of his eye.

"You all right?" he asked, ducking back behind the building, so that he could reload his weapon, which could fire maybe four shots a minute.
"You all right?" the kitsune asked, ducking back behind the building so that he could reload his weapon.

"I guess you weren’t so tough after all," he says, sheathing his knife, and grabbing a set of keys, which he uses to free his children.
"I guess you weren’t so tough after all," he says, sheathing his knife. Jack grabs a set of keys from the wall and quickly crossing to the cells, he frees his children.

He then saw a couple of whores hiding in the alleyway, one being the one he'd saved the other day.
He then saw a couple of whores hiding in the alleyway, recognizing one from the other day.

William's last images of this world was that of the stranger's eyes looking into his as he struggled for breath.
William's last images of this world were of the stranger's eyes looking into his as he struggled for breath.

However, he had a slight smile on his face, as he'd bitten the man in the arm during the struggle, and few people survived being bitten by a naga as they had highly potent venom.
Describe this actually happening a sentence or two before, rather than referring to it after the fact.

The man had been trying to join the gang the other day, but when that werewolf showed up and shot him, and after the werewolf talked to the man's younger brother, when the kitten tried to shoot him for it, he'd realized how foolish he'd been, and when the fight started, he joined with the rest of the townspeople.
Long sentence, lots of pronouns to confuse, and generally just not an understandable sentence. The rakshasha was trying to join the driddler's gang? Jack shot the rackshasha? the rakshasha's younger brother?

"I'm going to have you to choke on my fist, and you won't be able to do a thing about it.
"I'm going to make you choke on my fist, and you won't be able to do a thing about it.

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A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

Original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, additional notes/suggestions are in orange.

"Lefleet bought a young male nigger, about fourteen years old, one who is a Witch Doctor."
"Lefleet bought a young male nigger boy that I'm pretty certain is a Witch Doctor."

as he opened the telescope back up and looked through it with his one remaining eye, which was his left one.
as he opened the telescope again, looking through it with his one remaining eye.
I don't think you need to mention at all which eye he uses in this sentence, and the way in which you have is badly written as is, so best to just remove.

"With them surrounding the town, and loosing an arrow every so often, it will do two things, keep the people inside of their homes during the fighting, and make sure that that driddler and his men have no escape."
"With them surrounding the town and loosing an arrow every so often, it will do two things: keep the people inside of their homes during the fighting, and make sure that driddler and his men have no escape."

"They'll be here to you know."
"They'll be here too you know."

I didn't care if they were taking the stuff from those whose husbands, sons, or other kin, were in the Confederate Army, or if they themselves were sons, nephews, or younger brothers of some famous officer or politician, I'd shoot them right between the eyes
I didn't care if they were taking the stuff from those whose husbands, sons, or other kin, were in the Confederate Army, or if they themselves were sons, nephews, or younger brothers of some famous officer or politician. I'd shoot them right between the eyes

"Jessie (the dridder/mayor) made the wrong decision to stay here.."
"Jessie made the wrong decision to stay here.."
You don't need to clarify that Jessie is the driddler/mayor, let the reader infer that from the next sentence.

One of the guys told another that his full house beet the man's straight flush.
One of the guys told another that his full house beat the man's straight flush.

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A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

Original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, additional notes/suggestions are in orange.

he saw the Mayor's Vila,
he saw the Mayor's Villa

As Jack watched his companions leave town, Lefleet, a young centaur who had an attraction towards male humans, who was heading towards the ranch the group worked at, the Double D, and Lahorn, a young minotaur, who was holding onto a young male human with dark colored skin, who was a Witch Doctor, and was heading towards the encampment of a Sioux Chief, a buffalo minotaur named Red Horns, he felt a sense of pride.
As Jack watched his companions leave town, he felt a sense of pride. Lefleet was heading towards the Double D to __do something useful__ __to achieve a goal__. Lahorn, with a young Witch Doctor boy held in a firm grip, was heading towards the encampment of Red Horns, Sioux Chief friend of Jack's, with the hope of __doing something useful__ __to achieve a goal__.
This is a long run-on sentence again. You also use descriptions of your characters that by now they really should know. I don't think you need to re-describe your characters so obviously, even at the start of this new chapter, but re-iterating their goals isn't a bad idea, and the value of those goals, in a SHORT succinct style may be of use.

At ten dollars, it had not been cheap for the average human to get, but Jane was different, as her father, a dragon, owned the largest railroad company east of the Rockies, with a brother owning the largest lumber company in the Northwest Territories, and a cousin owning the largest oil company in Texas.
At ten dollars, it had not been cheap for the average human to get, but Jane was different, with her list of wealthy family members supporting her.
This is a new chapter, but as a part of a book, you need to assume the reader has read your previous chapters. So you don't need to restate with every detail things that have already been described. You can mention them lightly, in passing, but you don't need to list out the entirety of it.

"I used to play it for my wife, on our anniversary and on her birthdays,"
"I used to play it for my wife, on our anniversary and on her birthday,"

"Well, compared to the Mayor, and his men, that makes you relatively descant."
"Well, compared to the Mayor, and his men, that makes you relatively decent."

"...so that you can stay safe from those who work for those, monsters."
"...so that you can stay safe from those who work for those monsters."

"...so that you can stay safe from those who work for those, monsters."
"...so that you can stay safe from those who work for those monsters."

The man was coming to kill his boss because the man had married his wife and sold his kids to be slaves to the other leaders of the group.
The man was coming to kill his boss because the mayor had married the werewolf's wife and sold his kids to be slaves to the other leaders of his group.
You need to differentiate between the two men in this sentence.

"Jack Clawtooth," Jacob said, with a growl in his voice, as he looked to see the man walking towards him, with that peculiar smile of his, holding his rifle in a manner that spoke both confidence, as well as skill, with his revolver in his holster, without it lashed down, meaning he could pull it out in a second, without it getting caught up in the leather loop that was put over the hammer to prevent people from just pulling it out unless they were going to use it.
"Jack Clawtooth," Jacob said, with a growl in his voice, as he looked to see the man walking towards him, with that peculiar smile of his, holding his rifle in a manner that spoke both confidence, as well as skill.
I honestly don't think you need to mention the revolver, seeing as Jack is already holding the rifle. He likely wouldn't do an awesome gunslinger move with his revolver because his hands are tied up on the rifle..which would be quicker to just lift and shoot than deal with the revolver too.

"...as I think that my mother was a Clawtooth before she married my father and the two of them mover to Texas after Texas won its war with Mexico."
"...as I think that my mother was a Clawtooth before she married my father and the two of them moved to Texas after the war with Mexico."

He'd been on that outcropping, waiting for Jacob to show up, for several hours, looking down his sights at the man, waiting until the man popped up, and he could make the claim that he did it to protect Jacob, whom he'd sent the Deputy to kill, because of the fact that Jack had told the Sheriff to send him to that particular outcropping, as Jack hadn't liked the fact that the man had bothered him when they first entered town.
This sentence is long, unwieldy, and confusing. Try breaking it up and re-working it, because it is simply hard to follow.

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A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

Original work is in black, specific suggestion is in indigo, additional notes/suggestions are in orange.


As Jack held onto his cards, barely even looking at them, he looked into the eyes of the three other players, a naga, who was the Sheriff of the town he was in, a dragon, who was the owner of the saloon he was in, and a driddler, who was the mayor of the town, the werewolf, in human form, longed to draw his revolver and fill the three of them full of lead then and there, as the naga had turned his son, a seven year old werewolf, into a mere shell of himself, as had the dragon with his daughter. As for the driddler, he'd married his wife, and gotten her pregnant, and caused her to give birth to HIS daughter, who had a sad look on her face, as if she felt bad for some reason. However, he kept his free hand on the table, and watched them.
Jack held onto his cards, mostly to keep his hands from wandering to his revolver at his side. But his eyes were not on the hand he'd been dealt, focusing instead on the gentlemen at the table with him. A naga, the Sheriff of the town he had come upon; a dragon, the owner of the saloon they played in; and a driddler, who was the mayor of the town itself. The werewolf, still remaining within human form, longed to draw his revolver and fill the three of them full of lead then and there, as each had wronged him and his. The naga had turned his son, a seven year old werewolf, into a mere shell of himself, as had the dragon with his daughter. As for the driddler, he'd married his wife, and gotten her pregnant. And now HIS daughter, or who should have been his daughter, stood there looking at him with such a sad look on her face, as if she felt bad for some reason.
This is a couple long run-on sentences that need to be broken up. You also had some unnecessary repetition as well. I included a couple suggestions to re-order a little of the paragraph as well, putting parts that I think should go together together.


"Well, what about you Jacob?" the driddler asked, looking at Jack, as Jack had given him a false name when he introduced himself to the three.
"Well, what about you, Jacob?" the driddler asked, looking at Jack and using the false name Jack had introduced himself with.
I see that you are reminding the reader that last chapter Jack had given a false name. But somehow, the way you state it, I had to go back and check to see if he had actually introduced himself, or if this is the first time you are mentioning it in a sort of sideline. You had, but the way it's worded here just felt awkward. Also, need a comma in the dialogue.

"Two aces, and two kings" .... "I have a Straight Flush, and if I know my rules, a flush beats a Full House, unless you have three aces."
This part doesn't work with poker rules. I'm not sure why Jack comments that his Straight Flush beats a Full House, as the mayor didn't mention that he had a Full House, he said he had two pair. Additionally, a Full House with 3 aces does NOT beat a Straight Flush. Straight Flush beats everything except Royal Flush. If he had just a Flush, then 3 aces (or 3 kings) would have beat his hand.

"Would of had a Royal Flush"
"Would've had a Royal Flush"

"I have a flush. I win this hand."
"I have a straight flush. I win this hand."

"Of course, you don't have to worry about me telling him about you...."
This is another very long run-on sentence. I suggest breaking it up quite a bit.

"I'm going to kill you for shooting my brother Dog."
"I'm going to kill you for shooting my brother, Dog!"

"What did you tell him that made him run like his tail was on fire?"
I'm not sure why Lefleet is too far away to hear Jack's conversation with the boy. They all left the bar together, they were talking, and then the boy was there. I'm sure they'd still be within earshot. You do say that Jack moved to where the boy was holding the rifle. If you mentioned how far that distance is, it might make more sense as to why Lefleet didn't hear what Jack said to the boy.

An hour later, after conducting his business at the Sheriff's office, which told the deputy who'd bothered the group when the three had entered town, to head to the east, looking for "Jack", and breaking the hotel owner's nose when he tried to tell him that humans were not allowed in the place, Jack entered the room, to see the young ones arguing over something.
This whole paragraph is incredibly confusing. It's one extremely long sentence that really needs to be broken up.

"Except for the fact that this horsebrain here.."
"'Cept that this horsebrain here.."
Wording choice was too nice for accented, unschooled English.

"You boys don't know what you have here do you?"
"You boys don't know what you have here, do you?"

For the rest of the day, as Lahorn and Lefleet prepared themselves for travel,...
Another very long run-on sentence. Try to break it up.

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A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review

Original work is in black, specific suggestion is in indigo, additional notes/suggestions are in orange.

At the top of a hill rests three men. It is 1870, a few years after the Civil War, and these men are on the outskirts of a small town in what is reminiscent of the Arizona Territories. They are wearing the traditional garb of cowpunchers, or cowboys. However, unlike most stories that people read, this one is about what makes the difference between a man, and a monster.
As a first sentence to your book, this is short and lacking in any description. It feels like you are talking directly to the reader, rather than attempting to show the reader what you are introducing them to. You then immediately follow with a short blurb about the era the men are in. First off, I'd suggest you Begin with the era description, then move into a more descriptive telling of the three men resting on the hill. Use this opening paragraph (or extend to multiple paragraphs) to fully describe the scene, show the readers the scene they should see in their mind's eye. Give little clues in your description, possibly, about what makes each man more monster than human. You also end this paragraph again with a sentence directly talking to the reader, which is unneeded and unnecessary. Let the reader determine what the book is about from your story, you don't need to tell them directly.

"It wasn't easy to get this buffalo meat from them injins."
"T'weren't easy to get this here buffalo meat from the injins."
"Wasn't" seems like too many syllables for this character.

"Ya know how that thar man don't like it when ya'll don't call him Jack."
"Ya know he don't like it when ya'll don't call him Jack."
Too many words even for this Southern gentleman. He's friends with this guy, and it's a tiny group, so he doesn't need to point out which (thar) man he's referring to.

Jane, my wife, with whom that I had fallen in love with by then
Jane, my wife, with whom I had fallen in love with by then

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