I like this story, but I also have a few problems with it. I can't decide whether it is for children or not. It feels like a serious writer trying to not be so serious and detail oriented ... but evry now and then doing it anyway! :) I fell into the same trap before with one of mine, It's like drawing a stick figure for your kid and then adding in fingernails and eyebrows! I think that you could easily seperate this into two stories. One for the children by taking out some detail, and one for adults by adding some. That might be really cool!
Other than that... I would like to see a verified size difference. Were the dragons WAY bigger than the humans, or just a bit? Was Pallore the only other human within the Dragon lands? Did the Dragons wear clothing? (the guard wipes his hand on his shirt) Do the dragons have hands? (or forelegs, or forepaws or whichever is proper.) Beyond that there were just a few spelling errors. I like the comedic spin, and I also like that it doesn't have the typical happily ever after. Good Job Sir!
Very nicely done! I believe this is a novel idea and I am wondering if you have pursued it any further. I would like to see what comes next!
The sound took on a life of its own, and roamed the village like a feral beast on the prowl for a hapless soul to drag to some hell-den and salivate on. This is a wonderfully descriptive sentence, But it may be a bit long. Maybe a period after own. Then a new sentence starting- It roamed
God help her but it seemed too much at times, to lose the mother and child? The cruelties of this world were unbearable at times. Try replacing one of these -at times- Maybe, The cruelties of this world often seemed unbearable. Or something along those lines.
What she saw turned her brain inside out, and made her raise her wings instinctively to fly. Up to this point you've written in a wonderful style, but this line kinda breaks off and made me say wha-? I suggest that instead of her brain being turned inside out, her known world was set on edge? or turned upside down? or spiraled into oblivion?
Somewhere in the back of her brain came ideas and notions she had never even dreamed of having, and memories that swelled up from the depths of her brain that she had never before dreamed of possessing. Same concept here as in the above. Mind seems a better fit to your previous eloquence than brain. Also the sentence is a bit long. I suggest a period after having, and a new sentence at Memories swelled up ...
Its really good to know that people still care. Also, the day it stops hurting, or at least touching us, is the day we are no longer human. Very nice job.
As I walked up to the front door one of the paramedic add s came out asking for my help. “We needed remove ed the gurney and a backboard.”
He had no response to anything the paramedics tired. tried
Hi there Kittie! I had this saved in my favorites so that I could review it later, sorry that it is sooo later!
An almost type of whistling seemed to float on the gentle breeze as it soared across the valley. An almost type is not a good descriptive sentence within a story, though I do realize that alot of us speak that way and it is perfectly understood. You use that again later in your story, both should be changed to 'An eerie whistling' or something along those lines.
A white stallion mother and colt raced through the grass. If you are refering to a family of three white horses then you need to add a coma between stallion and mother (a mother horse is a dame or mare) but if its just the mom and baby, a stallion is a non-fixed male horse.
I will not return for I have found anew life amongst others. found a new life or life anew
“Loch would not join with Civil of Faeries. I beleive that Civil and the faeries are two different entities right?
“But, sir,” Seymour pointed to the exit, "“ Loré should not turn away from too many "
Nacre slowly opened his bedroom door and glanced around the corner,--- Lorghian New Year of 1539 seems to not be the most festive of all celebrations. Loré Seymour Nauttis speaks of him being taken in the wood by a Gollethen being. I’ve the strongest doubts of Seymour’s sayings. I do not feel my father would be so careless as to be defeated by a Gollethen. One day, I shall find the answer to my father’s disappearance. Guide me mighty Aelthanor to Loch. Seymour told Nacre that his father left him. Then announced to the town that Loch was taken in the woods. If Nacre was in his bedroom that whole time, how did he know what Seymour told everyone else. Also, why did he forget that first night later on?
“You are the only one who can help him receive closure.”
“I see your powers have grown.” Seymour’s grip on Nacre’s wrist loosened. “That is always much of a good coming.” I'm sorry but, what did he say?
She squinted hers eyes as the Kerand stopped.
“That is all that it will show me.”
“That is all the Kerand will show me. I’ve tried for years for more but it never shows me more.” You repeat yourself here.
“Not one here deserves to know, for no one here has not but cast me out.” Okay this statement really confused me!
Seymour’s face seemed to reveal and expression of pain as she gazed down and into the Kerand
Very good job here. I enjoyed reading this and it is very inventive, I want to know what technicra is and I suspect that Loch is the one returning. Good foreshadowing! I suggest you pick through and clean up anything confusing, and add a bit more character development. Keep up the good work and post in the forum again when your ready!
This is a very promising begining! I like your characters so far, although they may be slightly predictable in their configuration. (do ya like them big words?) I have never played D&D, though I have always wanted to...
They passed by the doors of the only inn the town had. “The Black Dragon Inn” was written in red paint on the hanging wooden sign. As usual, the late night drunks were still partying into the morning hours. It takes more than a small disturbance of the peace to disrupt the habits of a drunk.I would suggest a new paragraph here to separate from the view of the men walking by the inn, because you move inside the inn at this time, but the men that we were walking with do not.
but his attention was drawn to her ample chest, barely helfheldin by her tight leather top.
Soft grunts rose from behind it as two small feet scurried along hurriedlyI believe your going for a comical visual here, but scurried and hurriedly don't flow so well. I suggest- Soft grunts rose from behind the merchants precious fruit as it bounced awkwardly away. The pineapple appeared to have sprouted two small feet to make it's escape down the alleyway between two houses.- Or something in that vicinity.
Her green eyes sparkled with delight as she ran her tucked a lock of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear.This boo boo is self explanatory!
“Enough!” Jonathon shouted, now more irritated than before. “I don’t care who you are, but you had better listen. If you care to help, you had better get into shape. Listen, I want you threeHe already told them to listen once, maybe use pay attention or another version of listen to replace one of them.
You do a good job of describing your characters and their surroundings, this is a good start. But, one man caused a lot of death and destruction in the town then kidnapped the princess. Why doesn't Sir Jonathon mention that in his speech, and where was the militia when the townsfolk needed them? Wouldn't they be a little pissed at the militia? I will be looking forward to your next chapters! Nice job!
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