Hi Ghost,
Congratulation for being featured in the Horror Newsletter, well done.
The flow and diction is smooth, though you might want to use some kind of punctuation mark at the end of the third stanza. Just to keep in form with the rest of the poem. I would use a period to strengthen the last stanza’s question, but a comma would work quite well too. Though, I noticed the first line of the fourth stanza is capitalized, and the first line in the second stanza is not. So I think you intended to use a period to end the third stanza. It’s a simple typo that we all make.
Speaking about form, one can clearly see the craftsmanship in this verse, but I noticed that the first line of the first stanza has five syllables and line two, three and four has six. Maybe adding one little syllable would improve the rhythm.
As strange as it may seem,
I hereby must redeem
myself and start afresh -
this time in bod'ly flesh,
Or
Though, strange as it my seem...
Or
Bizarre as it may seem... But then that would give up the alliteration scheme. So if I would add a sixth syllable it would be ‘as‘ for another ‘S‘. I think that would create a stronger tie in to the words ‘must‘ in the second line, ‘afresh‘ in the third line and ‘this‘ and ‘flesh‘ in the forth, which will give the second, third and forth lines the same number as ‘S‘es‘ as the first line.
Same thing in the second stanza, but the line with the fifth syllable is the third line. Little trick, use the caesura to add a syllable, like the word ‘aye‘ or thus.
no more spectral hiding,
no more fearful biding
of time - aye, space and light
will henceforth be my right.
OR
no more spectral hiding,
no more fearful biding
of time - thus, space and light
will henceforth be my right.
In the third stanza, the five syllables works very well for as a change up because it comes in the forth line, and creates a rest or pause before the closer.
Well, it‘s so close to a quatrain iambic trimeter chain with an AABB end rhyme scheme, that‘s what I would have done. But remember this, and this is very important too, it‘s your poem. Treat it the way you see fit. I am only saying how I would treat it.
Context:
Well, it‘s ambiguous in deed. Considering the title it sounds like a corpse is in love with somebody, and wants to return from the dead. How creepy! I mean that in a good way. This is really a good introduction for a longer work with equal middle and end form. Well I gravity to epic poetry. I would write a middle based on the return from the grave and the high hopes of lovers reunited. Then I‘d write the ending with the living lover‘s shock to see a walking corpse through the speaker‘s limited POV. Without any POV shifting that would really make a subjective ending. Imagine the speaker‘s shock when he realizes that he is dead and rotting. Oh the rejection! That‘s what I would do, write a 12 stanza chain of quatrain iambic trimeter, but I might change the end rhyme scheme in the middle to CDCD and maybe come back to AABB in the last four stanzas or EEFF Scheme. An AADD rhyme scheme would work too. Using a half of an iambic foot in the last line in the seventh and eleventh stanza would make an interesting pattern too.
Well, I can see why this poem was spotlighted in the newsletter. Good job and keep writing!
Rooster Roo |
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