Not a bad idea for a poem, but I think maybe a little too short. There are, I've been told, ,several kinds of fear. Physical where you think someone may hurt you, Mental, where you worry about things (how will I pay my bills, what if I get cancer. Psychosomatic, where you fear things just because you fear them. (The TV character Monk is a good example, and the list goes on.
Now, in your poem fear pushes and tries to take you down, then it tries to talk to you. Fear doesn't talk except to frighten. Talking you out of your dreams, well maybe, but it does that by making you afraid of failure.
A side note, I'd add a "for" in front of "fear is not a big as it seems." I think it runs slightly smoother.
Work with this poem, It shows some promise. I''ll be glad to look at any revisions.
BTW - This is of course, only one man's opinion. Feel free to ignore it. Write On.
I like what you are trying to do here. I am not sure you quite hit the mark, but it is still a good attempt. Let me explain.
I guess the first thing is the major transition at the end. It was quite unexpected (That's good). But it is also quite a jump; I had to read the poem three times before I could see any justification for the ending.
Next, I am not opposed to poems with irregular or even no punctuation, but you seem to try it both ways.and the commas almost seem just tossed in at random. I would suggest getting rid of all of them.
I'll take a shot at paraphrase:.
You think I know what you have done.
I can see it in your eyes.
You try to explain but all I hear is words.
Should I believe what I see
Or should I believe what you say
NO matter which, I am going to be hurt
Longer explanations will not help\
But you can try if you must
All it will end up doing is making you more frightened
It will destroy you.
But is you trust your instincts and your heart
everything will be OK.
Can you see what I mean about the ending being abrupt?
Feel free to ignore an of this, it is only one man's opinion.
Not at all what I expected. You have a real gift for the language. I am intrigued by this piece. It is young love st the suffering part. Young love is almost always either joyful or suffering. The thing is, you convey the feeling without expressing it. (Until the last line.
Tying the songs into the daily routine works well too. Question, the songs are rather old (60s and 70s), is this a walk down memory lane?
The piece stands by itself but does leave some questions unanswered.
One thing I did think was a little off was the sudden appearance of the parents. They come in late and only supply confusion. Msybe just ignore them as if they are part of the background. Now I;m being picky. This is good, I liked it.
Feel free to look in on my port. Any and all comments are welcome.
On a first reading this is very good. The pain of unrequited love, or with another interpretation the pain of losing a love. I like the continuing flame/pain image.
That said, the first and last lines keep it from getting a rating of 5. The first image is of a moth, but all the rest are of hands. I'd suggest a minor change to
My hand, like a moth to the flames
Moves towards you in spite of the pain
Or something like that. See what I mean?
The last line is just unclear. I think it is the word "own" that gives me the problem. It is not often used the way you are using it. Also why is the pain "unlearned?" It seems the whole poem is about learning of the pain. "Undeserved" may fit better.
I'm being picky. This is a thought provoking piece. I do like it.
This is a hard one to comment on. I agree entirely with the sentiment. To be in love, really in love, takes a great measure o f commitment. You find the person who makes you happy and then spend the rest of your life making that person happy. It hurts, sometimes it hurts a lot, but because of the love we go o n.
As I said. the sentiment is spot on. However the poem itself is a bit weak. If you are going to use rhyme you need and rhythm you need to try to keep a consistency going. Also, and maybe even more important, you need to proof read with care.
I'll use the last verse as an example because I can see it as I write. Syllables per line 10, 10, 8, 8, 11, 13. (The verse before was 9, 10, 9, 11, 9, 10) In line four you must mean "your" not :you.;" Your syntax is very convoluted to make your rhymes and you still need to include a slant rhyme for the last couplet.
Cleaned up it could look like this:
Something this good requires sacrifice
Whatever it takes I will pay the price
From this day onward I will give my all
Living without you would cause me to fall
So on this most special Valentine's Day
Please return my love. What more can I say?
Now it's 10 beats in each line and runs much smoother.
Please don't think I'm ripping you. I don;t review something unless it shows promise. Your poem does. With some work it could be very good. I'll be glad to read any revisions you might make.
That's the way it is, isn't it? An event which should, by all rights, be one of the most emotional of a person's life, and it's cold, stone cold.
You did a very good job of getting just the right feel. The poem implies emotions, but is itself emotionless. Very powerful.
Just a couple of things you might think about. In line four might "should" work better than "may?"
Also, and this could just be me, I think that in the last line "drift" is stronger than "float." Drift implies a certain aimlessness which I think is a part of the process you write about.
I'm being too picky. This is a solid poem. I like it. Keep writing.
A couple minor mechanical things. I think "instep" is two words "in step" I'd also use a few more periods.
One word choice too while I'm on the mechanic's thing. "unlucky" is a mouthful in that line. Try to read it aloud aand you'll see it. I suggest "poor" is a good substitute. Oh, and the last line of verse two is better without the "and."
All that said, this is funny, well, funny in a silly sort of way. Too often we forget that poetry can be (and should be) used for humor as well as for love, alienation, and deep philosocial topics. This reminded me of that.
Chilean voodoo seems quite different from the Caribbean kind.
I Liked this, though many more rhymes like your last one may give cause to revoke your poetic licence.
This came out much better on a second reading. I broke it down into the basic components and it worked.
You crave noise to:
#1 stoop and cheer the icons
#2 hear falsehoods
#3 deny the existence of your own voice
OK that sort of works. I do wonder about #2., Maybe "You crave noise to HIDE the truth---."
That seems to go better with deny. The idea of needing noise to hear is ambiguous at best. (Tho if ambiguity is what you want then leave it).
Also your use of the word "scepters" is odd. Do you mean "specters?" Scepters are small clubs, usually held to show high office, specters are ghostly images.
My first reaction? Wow! I am very impressed by your work here. You have a real gift for turning a phrase. I especially liked "ascend form the charred remains of charcoal dreams" and "forgotten friends flared out of the darkness."
From the third verse I get a strong impression that physical abuse played the main part in creating this work. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but if nothing else, it did let you create a beautiful poem as a result. (I'd much rather you hadn't been abused but I'm looking for an upside and that's the best I can do).
I have just a couple of suggestions:
First, in verse six I think "BUT they didn't douse the flame." is stronger than "AND they didn't---."
Second - In verse 9(?) the fourth line is a bit awkward. I think it is the back to back "OKs." Maybe "I wasn't even sure what OK was anymore."
Last, and this is getting almost too picky, in the next to the last verse I found the use of "'em" for "them" a little jarring.
That's my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
This is a good example of how saying something very simple, and in a straight forward way, can be as effective as a poem written with all the bells and flourishes.
The emotion is that of young love. The world is magic and things really can go on forever. Two people in love can imagine, and imagine very clearly, that they can and should be together forever. It is a wonderful feeling and you nailed it spot on.
Just a couple of suggestions:
First - In the second verse "that echos" is a bit stronger than "echoing."
Second - Maybe it is just me, but I found the forth verse a bit off. Shouting to the world that the two of you want to be alone together? Seems counterproductive.
Last - In the final verse you use "forever with you together" while everywhere else it is "forever together with you." I like it better the second way. Did you have a reason to change it.
That's my two cents worth, use or ignore it as you wish. Keep writitng.
Well now, this is a puzzlemennt. As written it is clever, and true , as far as it goes. I can think of two things which can compare. (see my #1466089 & # 1425189 he said modestly) However, I only say they compare, not that they exceed. I can only really identify with the first verse, since I've seen my wife with our babies. I might add that she looked much the same with our grand babies.
Now, as to the poem itself; I do have just a couple of suggestioins, which you may ignore as you wish.
First - The last line of the first and third verse changes the feel of the poem. (There is a grammar explanation involving gerunds and things like that, but I'll skip it) Just look at the words used descriptivly - sitting - rocking - stroking - etc. - so why not finish that way? Make the last line "Putting him to bed." It doesn't even change the meter.
Second - (Likely because I'm balance retentive) I would like to have the second verse be as long as the first and third. I'll just leave it at that, I'm being too picky as it is.
I'm reminded of my grandfather's words here. "A man has got to shoot his own dog." In that respect he was a stronger man than I. When his Dutch was given some rat poison by an unknown neighbor, grandpa went out in the back yard an shot Dutch dead. I was maybe five at the time, but I remember Grandpa's face. It isi a good thing he didn't know who had done it or there would have been two shots.
About 42 years later my Duchess had a stroke. She couldn't move. All I had to do was take her outside and end it. I couldn't do it. I had to call the vet who couldn't come until after office hours. I spent that time sitting on the floor holding Duchess' head on my lap.
Ii include that to show I know very well what you are discribing. I only have a few suggestions and the are mostly mechanical.
In the first verse "ponds" should be ""pond's" since you are using the possessive.
Verse two "---has A chance to----"
Verse five - i think "pains' might be better as "pain is"
Verse 6 would read smoother if you reverse "earth's disturbed" and make it "disturbed earth."
That's about it.. Use what you wish and ignore the rest. Keep writing.
I'm reminded of the highways in rural Oklahoma. The turtles sometimes bask on the roads. It is also common to see taranchulas walking down the middle of the road too, but that's another story. I did wonder about the smell of tomatoes since they don't really have a smell until they are sliced.
Still, this is a good point of view story. Likely it will stay a short story since, if Tommy keeps crossing the road, he will be run over sooner of later. (Why did the turtle cross the road? It was too long to walk around.) (rimshot)
A good story with a few quirks. For example, in the second paragraph you have the wind grabbing the suitcase and taking it to the door. Somehow I suspect that was not your intent.
Now, aside from a few other things like the one mentioned above (the mini lights is another) this is a nice read. Knowing nothing more about them, I'd expect Marianna and Jim have some time together in their future.
I am vaguely reminded of my first meeting with my wife since it was at a dance I hadn't wanted to go to. My college room mate dragged me there and within ten minutes I was entranced by red hair, dark blue eyes, a million freckles, and dimples which should be registered as lethal weapons.
My point is, I know the feeling you are discribing. Thaks for the memories.
A review for a contest winning story from three years ago? OK. I can do that. It's good/ Your use of language seems very natural and makes the characters real. Every kid (who is not an only child) either has a brother or sister like that, or is a brother or sister like that. In my case it was a sister, younger than me and somehow able to get out of doing the chores.
Complaints to my parents did as much good as Danni's to her father. They just didn't understand.
Finding the magic binoculars was a nice touch. Not veryhard to accep, and in fact if imagination driven they are even believable.
If I did want to mention anything that you might change to make this a stronger story it would be to let people "say" things rather than huff, bellow and yell. But that is so picky I won't mention it.
This is good. The joy of meditation. A trip inside the mind often surprises me. I never know whaat path I'll take, and the mind is a maze of paths crossing, joining, meandering, separating, moving endlessly in a pattern we can never see in its entirety. You have caught that concept very well, since you go from the very personal memories to ideas about saving the world.
I do have a couple of suggestions, but in general they are about mecanics since I think the content is spot on. I always read a poem aloud before I reveiw it. I know the meter is intentionally irregular, but still, there is one place where it wouldn't hurt to clean it up. Opps, wait, another out loud reading shows that you intentionally made the first and last couplets one beat shorter. Never mind.
That leaves only the awkward "period - comma" after T.V.. I think it might go better to just write TV and leave out the periods.
Wow, that is about as picky as I ever want to be. Keep writing.
This is a wonderful example of that rare poem where the total effect is much stronger than the sum of the parts. I read it and was enchanted. Then, when I started a close inspection I found myself wondering why it was so bewitching. There are several rather weak metaphors, even a silly one, and the language is at times quite unclear.
Then I stepped away and read it again without paying reviewer type attention and once again, golden. You have done quiet a good piece of writing here. Bravo.
Oh, I suppose I should at least point out what I meant by weak metaphors and unclear language.
"diamondized by a skirt of stars"
"make believe canvas of ink"
"many miles tear my moons apart"
That's enough, I don't want to dig into this, I'd much rather just enjoy the total effect. (And I love the last line) Keep writing.
I'm sorry for the delay in getting started on these. It is opening weekend.
First, I am not going to worry about the 2000 word limit since I assume you have already submitted this.
Second, you have the bones of a clever story here, though I''m not sure it will carry the weight of a full novel. Well, let me take that back. The key to the full novel may be Betsy. If she can somehow reconnect, and as she ages maybe even fall in love with Flik, you might have enough twists and turns to go for the novel.
Now let's look at just what you have written here. I'm gong to get both mechanical and linguistic so stay with me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news first - you have a tendency to, for lack of a better word, overwrite. An easy example: your opening sentence. It would be clearer if it went like this "Mommy, Look!" Betsy called as she pointed toward a small door in the trunk of a tree." Now don't get me wrong, you don't do it a lot, but when you do it is noticeable. Another example: The seventh paragraph is both a bit overdone, and it gets its pronouns mixed up.
There is also a minor comma problem. Commas are the one puntuation mark which causes the most arguments, but still, I think there are a few places where one would add. For example the third paragraph needs one after "again." Or in this paragraph
"The crystal went so dim after those words that Flik thought she had gone out completely, but then the voice went on. “If I could have some companionship from time to time, I would be much happier and be able to hold the barrier fully again. As I grow sad and lonely my power fades.”
The comma should go after "happier" rather than after "time."
By now you must think I idon;t like this, but I do. It jsut needs work. I've pointed, the rest is up to you. That's the good news.
Oh, BTTW, I am returning the 101 GPs, yoou paid enough at the auction.
This is a strange piece and I'm not quite sure how to approach it. The basic premise, as stated in the title, seems to be compairong apples and oranges. I guess if I treat it as a conflict between computer games and homework it is okay.
I was a teacher for 32 years and your thoughts that a teacher is judged by how many students likes her, and how they did in class is a bit off the mark. In fact, if teachers were paid by how many passed their class and by how much suspect grades would improve dramaticly and the number of stright A students would shoot up. That way the teacher is sure to get that raise.
In Ohio at least, the grades are the business of the teacher and they do not affect his pay. The teacher's union has already negotiated a pay scale and no teach is allowed to get paid more than the scale says he will be paid.
Enough on that. Let's look at homework. In my case I usually assigned homework about twice a week and I thought they could do the assigment in about 30-45 minutes. Students who chose not to do the homework fell behind and their grade reflected that.
Your last paragraph sets out the problem very well. You will, likely not pass properly until you answer your last question "now."
Sorry this has not been so much a review as a responce, but I had to get in a good word for teachers.
I like this. Oddly it is the second Alice take off I've reviewed in the last couple of days. (The other was a poem).
You call it Alice with a modern twist. Not sure I agree, Alice is timeless and Wonderland is not subject to the rise of progress and industry. Still, I know what you mean, and you did include cell phones and flashlights.
Your ending is vaguely in the style of Lewis Carrol too. Nice touch.
I have only a couple of suggestions:
You need to add to this " the eyelets of ONE his father's work bootS---"
In this phrase you don't need the first two words. "---to which the crowd immediately obeyed,--"
Oh, and ""Humph" is usually spelled Harrumph.
See, just picky stuff. I did like this. Keep writing.
What a neat idea for a story. I like the way you tie the food and the mood together. Do you know if Adams was really like this or is that part of the "story" too? His actions are those of a jerk. OF course, one of the benefits of being a jerk is you don;t care what other people think.
I did spot a couple of things which might improve your piece.
The last sentence of paragraph one is unclear.
In the second paragraph the word "The" should start the second sentence.
In the first sentnece of paragraph three it is unclear who "kept in mind he came from England.
In the fourth paragraph the second sentence does not need a comma between "that" and "however."
fifth paragraph No problems.
In the sixth paragraph "skillS" not "skill."
That is about all I have ignore what you wish of it. Keep writing.
A nice combining of St Nick and Grandma. I suspect that, at least when w they are little, grand kids think of their grandparents as a sort of year round St Nick. (Mine are all boys, aged 6,6,6,5.)
This as a fun read and you did well to keep the rhyme going, given that English is such a rhyme poor language. Still, I do have a couple of suggestions too make this stronger.
While your rhyme was okay, your meter was a bit shaky. I always read a poem aloud before reviewing it. Do that and you will see that a few of the lines are quite labored. With a little work I think yu could add th meter. FOR example, in your first verse the number of syllables in each line is 9,10,11,9. Here would be one example of evening it out:
"I'm polishing runners until they're slick,
softening up old worn out lether straps.
Shopped for weeks 'til I ran our of dough.
I searched all over for my warmest wrap."
That has 10,10,10,10 and reads more smoothly, yet it kept 90% of your words.
Oh,, I do have a question too. What is Kitsap? A town maybe?
OK, I'll take a look. First, the real title for "World's Worst Poet" is kind of a toss-up between Amanda Macatric Rou (Not sure of that spelling) and William McGonagall (which I may also have misspelled) Amanda specialized in writing about tragic things, like fires, drownings, falls and so on. William (who has my vote) just was bad. He had no sense of meter at all, and his use of rhyme could get him convicted for cruelty to words.
Now, as to your poem, it is silly, which I think is the effect you are after, so it is a success. Now a poem like this is hard for me to suggest improvements for, because improvements by their very nature make it better, and I'm not sure you want that.
In so far as I can offer advise, I think the transition from people hating the poems to liking them is too abrupt. Why did this happen?
That's about all I've got for this one, keep writing.
Very well done. There is nothing original about applying moods to seasons, but it isn't the poet's job to be original. The job of the poet is to give a new insight into an old topic, and you did that. This made me think of my redhead's moods and the one which would be quite different is the angry one. Volcanoes, not icicles.
I do have a few suggestions which may make the piece stronger.
First - I'd drop the "like" from the first line of the first four verses. (Io only takes a little rewriting in verse 4) You make a direct comparison in all the other lines of each verse and in this case I think that consistency is important. An easy verse four rewrite might be "When she is angered she is the coldest of winter nights." (for example)
Second - I think "lustful" rather than "full of lust" You might even consider changing lust to romance.
Third - I'm not sure your image in the last line of verse four works. I'm not sure most children feel a need to tounge a flagpole. Maybe something involving a magnet and iron would fit better.
Well, I don't want to get too picky so I'll stop now. Again, a good read and a good poem. Keep writing.
An intersting coverage of an intersting day. I think Lincoln only intended a single day, not beginning a tradition. He called for a national day of thanksgiving for the progress fo the war, among other things.
I did catch a couple minor things.
In the fourth paragraph you need "the" before Wampanoag.
The first sentence of paragraph five is rather confusing. It might work better as two of three sentences.
I'm not sure you need the comma after grateful in the last paragraph, but I admit it is judgement call. (as commas so often are)
Again, a good read, and with some honest research too. Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ralrac
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 8:34am on Apr 04, 2025 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
