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9 Public Reviews Given
21 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Waking up covered in blood weren't no good way to wake up, but piss on 'em. The fella had nearly drowned him and he was damn lucky that Rory was a godly lad or he'd still be floatin' in the water. Hells, he might even be food for the fish by now. It'd have to be a damn big fish, and hungry because he was the biggest fella he'd ever seen! Rory couldn't believe he even fit through the window, but as big as he was, he probably could have ran right through the wall like one of them pissed off bulls.
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I was always told in all of my writing classes in college not to begin your story talking about the 'weather' or 'waking-up.' They went on to say, get right into the story - no warming-up. I too suggest you start much closer to the actual story. If it were me, I'd cut that first sentence entirely - but, it's not me !
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You're verb in that very first line is ' weren't' which is wrong.
Were Not no good way to wake up, should read ' was not any way to wake up. The verb 'Wasn't' should be used here.

Waking up covered in blood weren't no good way to wake up, but piss on 'em.
If I were writing that line, I'd write:
"Waking up, covered in blood, wasn't any way to awake. Piss on them !"

It feels like the next sentence makes a jump or a leap - it don't flow !

The fella had nearly drowned him and he was damn lucky that Rory was a godly lad or he'd still be floatin' in the water.

I mean, it's not connected to the first sentence in any way. Again, I feel there is no need for the first sentence to even be here. The story begins with the second sentence it seems.
On the second sentence, you speak of 'The Fella' and 'he was damn lucky' and 'Rory' so I am just wondering, as a reader, who we are even talking about and what had just happened.
Did Rory try to drown someone? Why? What led up to that moment?
I would suggest, thinking about starting at a point that you can lead into this moment.
Again, all of this is just my opinion, but it's not my story it's yours.
If it were me, then I'd write that second line as :

' Rory almost drowned John; he's lucky that Rory is a God-fearing Christian. Otherwise, he might still be floating in the east river.'

-----------------

I am not intending to attack your writing ... but to help you improve......
If you disagree with any of what I said - even all of it -- that's ok because it is your story not mine. I wish you well on your writing ....

Sorry I did not have time to critique all of it ....
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Review of Dance With Death  Open in new Window.
Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You might want to look at some of your word choices. These days fewer words is the trend. In other words, say the same thing in as few words as possible. Capiche?

The golden child was on his knees, with a bloodied trail soaking the wooden floorboards. Drunken delirium wasn’t enough to numb the sting of ravaged skin.

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Maybe try sentence variety so it don't become stale or boring.

'The golden child was on his knees with a trail of blood-soaked floorbaords.
Numbing the ravaged skin: drunken delirium; but it wasn't enough!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In addition, it seems like you're 'Telling' and not 'Showing.'
ex. The lightening streaked across the sky and the boy was scared. (Telling the boy was scared).

The bright, white streak of lightening streaked across the bedroom sky and the boy immediately grab his blanket with his both hands and pulled it - he covered his face. Then he shook like a leaf for the next two hours; occasionally, his crying can be heard, but in a painful tone.
(Showing the boy was scared)
Granted, not everything needs to be shown or the story would be painfully long and the word count would be crazy. I'm sure you'll see that certain scenes should be slowed down so you, the writer, can show us the fine details of the scene.

I hope you're not offended and something in this actually helps you in your editing and revising process.
Best of Luck !!
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Review of Finding the Truth  Open in new Window.
Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You may want to consider 'Showing' in certain parts - not 'Telling' all of the time.
You may want to consider longer sentences at times.


The car was driving to fast. He spilled his coffee.
Because the car was driving to fast, he spilled his coffee.
The car was driving to fast: he spilled his coffee.


It's just some stuff to think about ... how I write so I thought I'd mention it to you.
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Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I don't want to offend you - ok? I'm just another user on here, who from time to time does a somewhat less professional review. So, it's me giving you my opinion - which you can easily take something out of it, or disregard everything.

> I noticed two things I would rewrite if it were me. You seem to be 'Telling' and not 'Showing' any of the story. Also, you seem to be using a lot of 'long-winded' language.

Let's look at some examples.
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It was time to return to work for another day after two fulfilling days off. After taking up more hours in exchange for a fatter paycheck, I wasn't too thrilled on working full-time again. But the prospect of freeing myself from the shackles of my debt was more than enough of a reason to drag my tired frame from the bed, get cleaned up and drive to the work location. Even if I didn't want to.
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That entire first line is a very long way of just saying the obvious.
"It's Monday - back to work !"

You'll notice also that once you use 'Showing' or "First Person" it has a better impact.
When you step back and use telling, then it's almost like a documentary.

In that second line, I think you're trying to say something about switching from part-time to full-time. But, again there is a lot of just extra words - they have to be cut. This is not how writers write these days. Believe me I was told this time and time again on here.

That was acceptable in the 1920's but not so much nowadays. These days, shorter and fewer words is the trend.

Another thing is you're writing not directing a screen shot. So we don't need to know every tedious move your character makes.

Another item I would suggest is to introduce that character in some way so that the reader knows who it is. This should be done sooner rather than later.

In fact, by the end of this page you have here, we still know nothing about the character; such as, his name, maybe his age and where he is living. Whoever this is, don't like working full-time, but is doing it because he has a lot of bills. That describes everyone. In my opinion, boring details that apply to every single person out there don't really move your story along. I might revisit them and consider removing them - or at least keep them to a minimum.

That next line, if it were me, I would cut that entirely. He is making a statement to someone, that his bills are the reason he is working. Then, we have to know that he is dragging himself out of bed, and getting cleaned-up.

Like I said, I would switch a lot of this to 'Showing' not you telling.
I would focus on my character upfront. I want the reader to know who he is, where he is, and maybe a few more things about him - not everything though.

It might be important to know why he hates his job. Why he 'had to switch' to full-time.

Consider this :
It was heavily raining for two hours.
This is 'Telling.'

John brushed the curtain to one side, he stared at the courtyard, which is beyond the main house. "It's raining very heavy right now," he said. Much to his surprise, nobody said a word. "Did you say it's raining?" Sheila asked. "Yes, and very heavily. Nobody's going up or down that main road tonight!"

You see, I try to use a mixture of 'Showing' and 'Telling' to develop the story.

They (other users on here) used to tell me to avoid beginning a story where the person is waking-up or with the weather. they said there are a lot of over-used cliches that should be avoided - just so you know.

You actually might want to use an outline for your story. That way, it helps to keep you on track and focused. You know what you're supposed to be writing in paragraph one, for example.

I hope that some of this can be of help to you. But if not then i am sorry I couldn't be of more help to you.

Bob
5
5
Review of The nectar  Open in new Window.
Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am not an editor or professional reviewer. I'm like you, just older. I'm going to show you an example of how I would write this, and maybe you can pull some ideas out of it - ok?
------------------- Start -------------------
It's early, and the crimson sun is just peaking over the distant mountain tops - they are snow covered this time of year. One cup of java, a piece of toast, and three yawns later then I'm out the door. I get into my car and begin the routine drive. A drive I know so well that I can fall asleep and still make the drive. Is auto-pilot even real?
--------------------- STOP ----------------------------------
you will notice I am not referring to 'We' but ' I ' and I am speaking of my experience. Others will relate to it though. I describe the scenery in some detail, but not so much to bore the reader.

Most of your writing I think is good. It reads like a list of events, it lacks details and should be personal, I think. Avoid repetition, Tick, tick, tock, tells me time is passing, so drip, drip, drip is unnecessary.
Again - this is only to give you some ideas - nothing more.

I hope there is something you can use, if not that's ok too. I wish you luck in your writing.
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Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank You - That's a great help.
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Review by BoB_618 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Tense, is something I try hard to maintain. I don't want it to shift, it used to do that and ppl on here would be all over that.
What I do now-a-days is list each sentence like a bullet list. Then I go over each sentence one by one, looking for a shift in tense.
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1.) One day in 1978, I was a bit forlorn.
2.) I wished I could just pick up the phone and call God -- I wanted a clear back and forth interaction with Him that would be possible with a phone call.
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As you can see, this is how I check for tense. However, I think, I would rewrite that second sentence first - it sounds just wordy.
>> Maybe something like this -
a.) I wished I could have been able to just pick-up the phone and call God - a clear communication between us.

b.) I wished I could have been able to just pick-up the phone and call God. I wished there was a clear communication between us.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The reason I list my sentences vertical is because it might be easier to spot errors; especially, a shift in tense. It might be just as good for you to read through without moving sentences about - that's just me.

I don't think of myself as a professional reviewer by any means. Just someone like you -writing my story. I thought I would share some of my insight, and you can ditch it if you don't think it applies to you.

What i learned on here is not to be wordy. Don't use $50 words when you could have just said it with the $3.00 specials. LoL !
Like where you said " I wanted a clear back and forth interaction with Him that would be possible with a phone call."
In my head, it seems a little wordy. a clear back and forth interaction.

Well, it's a phone, so there is only one type of interaction possible - a phone call. So why not just say that or like I illustrated a direct line of communication, if you need to raise the tone to a higher level.

Remember your reader all the time. How would your friends tell this to you. Would they say it like that. I think, most would use simple words unless there was a need for a more sophisticated word.
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I hope some of what I said here is of some help to you. Like I said, I am not a professional reviewer, just another aspiring writer. If you don't agree with any of this - that's ok too. Just ditch it and move on then. I wish you the best of luck in your writing, and above all "Stay Safe !"
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