A very good beginning for someone that doesn't like to write except on whims.
Good sentence flow and good transitions.
Characters believable
Dialogue matches characters.
Good rise in action
Good closing hook that makes the reader want to turn the page.
My only suggestion would not to let your paragraphs get too long
I.e.
“This is all my fault. If only I hadn’t started that stupid fight…” The rest of her words were drowned out by the sobs shaking her body. Dad stroked her hair and tried to comfort her. I just watched in shock. Mom was right; it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. But how? And…why? I had so many questions, and almost all of them were unanswerable.
Suddenly, I knew exactly what I needed to do. This was the kind of adventure I had only read about in books. It was dangerous, and, when I look back, a totally insane idea, but it was the kind of thing I had been waiting for my whole life. The kind of thing that I wished I could experience every time a finished an adventure story. It was stupid, a sort of snap decision that I made, but I knew that now that the idea was in my head, there was no turning back. I made a stupid excuse to leave the table and bounded up the stairs to my room where, lying on my bed with my ipod on, I devised a plan that, to my 13-year-old brain, seemed like a plan worthy of a master detective.
I looked around my room for something to pack up in, and found my neon-green backpack that I normally would use for school. I turned it upside down and shook out all my schoolbooks, including my very heavy Algebra 1 textbook. Storing my binders under my desk for later, I walked over to my dresser. I folded 3 pairs of plain old blue jeans, 2 pairs of rainbow striped socks, 3 pairs with monkeys on them, (you can never bring too many socks), underwear, and three tee-shirts, one with a purple owl on it, an old grey camp shirt from a thousand years ago, and finally my favorite "Nerdy Chicks Rule" shirt, with a large chick on the front holding a ruler. While I was debating whether or not to bring pajamas, something glittery caught my eye. I looked over to it and realized that it was the necklace that Leah had given me for my 11th birthday. That was back in the time when I idolized her, and would do anything to be her friend, so when she gave this to me I was so excited that I wore it every single day for the next year, and personally made sure she was wearing her half too. See, it was one if those friendship necklaces that come in pairs and, when put together, the charms form a heart. My half was a light purple and rimmed with silver, while hers was pink. As I held it in my hand, the cool silver back pressed into my palm, I wondered if she still had hers. I wasn't a big jewelry person, and I hadn't worn the necklace in over a year, but I had a sudden urge to put it on. I hid the charm under my shirt, just in case Mom caught sight of it and started bawling again.
She seemed to have stopped crying, and was now ranting to my dad about Ryan and how he was an awful boy who she shouldn't have trusted. I think she was just upset and had to blame someone, because when I had seen Ryan he seemed like a pretty nice guy, not someone who would do anything bad to Leah. At least, I think they had a fairly happy relationship. Anyway, I thought some more and realized that there might be times when I needed something to do, so I pushed around a few books on the shelves until I found the book I was reading: "Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince" for the fifth time. I put that in my backpack too.
Then, dragging my bag downstairs into the kitchen, I was thankful that my parents had moved to the living room because now it was time for a little food stealing. I opened the fridge door and rummaged through the piles of tupperware until I found what I was looking for: tomorrow's lunch. It contained of two tuna fish sandwiches, a very red, shiny apple, and a small plastic bag of pretzels. This seemed pretty boring to me, especially since I had to survive on this the whole weekend, so I grabbed a big bag of peanut butter sandwich cookies, 2 bottles of water, some leftover lasagna, and a few slices of pizza from yesterday's dinner. I hoped that the cheese was still good. Finally, I dragged my over-stuffed backpack up to my room again and printed up a map of downtown, telling my parents it was a project for school. Then I began tracing the different streets and figuring out my route. I heard the door creak behind me just as I finished.
Good writing |
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