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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all; a hearty welcome! It's good to see a young person pick up the enjoyment of writing.

I won't get into deep details as this seems to be your first attempt; so I'll give you the basics.

1. Opening paragraph need to be strong as here is where you grab the reader's attention. Fail here and you lose the reader. Close this paragraph with a "hook"; that is something, sentence or line that makes the reader's curiosity perk and want to continue reading. Check out R L Stine's Goosebump series; excellent examples of using a hook to cause reader's to want to continue reading.

2. Work on using smooth, flowing sentences that transition logically, and maintain an even tempo; like a good song, tempo will keep a reader going.

3. Dialogue: Only use dialogue to move the story forward. If it doesn't move the story, cut it out! Make sure that your characters have dialogue that fits their personnas; nothing worse or boring if all characters sound alike.

4. Always close a chapter with a hook. Hard to put a book down when you want to find out whats going to happen next.

5. Presentation: Double space or at least 1 1/2 space your work. Do not post using single spacing. Post work in proper format.
I.E.

You posted:

My mom shook her head and said, “Your right, and here I am doing nothing about it. Danny, put your shoes on and let’s go.” Before I could say anything, I was sent out the door.The car ride to her house was around 15 minutes long, and when I got into the car, Max said, “Are you wearing cologne?” I blushed slightly before denying it, but he saw, and he knew. I was hoping nobody would know that I had a major crush on her since like second grade, so I was further surprised when he said, “Ya, I figured. I already knew, by the way.” And so naturally I blushed even harder and said, “How?” “Dude, you are so obvious. I’ve seen how you’ve become tongue tied around her, and of course there was that day in second grade.” I remembered that day. I have been friends with max since kindergarden, so it wasn’t coincidence that he and I did everything together in second grade.

Rather:

My mom shook her head and said, “Your right, and here I am doing nothing about it. Danny, put your shoes on and let’s go.”

Before I could say anything, I was sent out the door.The car ride to her house was around 15 minutes long, and when I got into the car,

Max said, “Are you wearing cologne?”

I blushed slightly before denying it, but he saw, and he knew. I was hoping nobody would know that I had a major crush on her since like second grade, so I was further surprised when he said,

“Ya, I figured. I already knew, by the way.”

And so naturally I blushed even harder and said, “How?”

“Dude, you are so obvious. I’ve seen how you’ve become tongue tied around her, and of course there was that day in second grade.”

I remembered that day. I have been friends with max since kindergarden, so it wasn’t coincidence that he and I did everything together in second grade.

5. Character: Always introduce you protagonist (main character) who they are, physical description, personality etc.. how you do it is your choice, but make sure the reader can identify with the character.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work!
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
All in all this is a very telling of a sad tale with a happy ending.

You begin with a very strong opening paragraph; this is good as all stories in all genders need to begin this way.

Sentence flow and transition are pretty good. I would suggest trying to work on phrasing sentences to flow smoothly as this makes it easier to capture your reaer and bring them into the story.

Always remember that the reader doesn't know what you're talking about; so try to explain even the most trivial scene. You show a tendency to jump from point to point, and this doesn't allow the reader to opportunity to show empathy.

To draw a reader into your story, whether fiction or non fiction; try to show and not tell; showing evokes emotions from the reader and keeps them drawn into the story.

Try to stay away from using adverbs with -ly endings, as these tend to slow down the read.

Most programs, like Windows Word, have spell check and grammar check programs; these will help eliminate most errors we all make.

Good close, and good work.
3
3
Review of Park Ave Drift  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this piece.

The sentence flow and transitions worked well and built up emotional tension as I was drawn into riding along with the character (What every writer works on doing.)

Other than the grammar faux pas that didn't break the flow of the story, and I'm sure you'll catch on rewrite; I didn't see anything that I would change.

On the tech side:

Some reviewers will not review pieces that are not formatted correctly; that is space between paragraphs and dialogue, and indentions at the beginning of every paragraph and dialogue. (Read this as the professional editors and published authors on this site.)

Enjoyed the ride!
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
To begin, I like this peice as it evokes emotions.

My only suggestion here is that you work on smooth sentence flow and good, logicl transitions.

Other than that, it is a good piece.

Keep it up.
5
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Great idea for a novel.

Some basics:

Opening paragraph needs to be strong, as this is where you capture your readers attention.. fail here and you lose your reader.

Sentences flow smoothly and transition well.

Your showing a tendancy to jump from paragraph to paragraph; again, doing this and you risk losing the reader. As with sentences; your paragraphs need to transition logically.

Introduction of characters are excellent; both protagonist and antagonist.

Good dialogue. Remember to use dialogue to enhance characters personna, and try not to make the all sound alike. AND...only use dialogue to move the story forward; if it doesn't, don't use it!

There is plenty of "meat" here to expand into many chapters, and would suggest thinking of using what you have here for a more fleshed out piece.

Remember to keep your reader guessing, and don't give away so much of the story so soon; otherwise, why continue reading?

Great close as it makes the reader want to turn the page.

Tech side:

Some grammar faux pas that you'll clean up after a few rewrites. Suggest trying to stay away from adverbs using -ly as they tend to slow down reads, and disrupt flow of the story.

Show, don't tell; I know, everybody says the same thing; but it's true. Showing brings the reader into the story as if they are experiencing what the character is experiencing; this is the goal of every writer. Telling keeps the reader at bay, and tends to bore them.

Good effort here...keep it up!
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Review of Night Terrors  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I love this story....period. You show excellent imagination.

As I explain to every writer; in every story you write, your opening paragraph needs to be strong, so that it captures the readers interest. Here, you opening is very strong.

Sentence flow:

Sentences need to flow smoothly and transition logically. The smoother the flow; the easier it is to keep the reader glued to your story, and the easier it is to draw the reader into the story. The goal of every writer is to capture the readers imagination as if the reader is standing beside the character, and experiencing what the character is going through.

I.E.

You wrote:
"I was on the roof of omen university, the collage that I started at the end of summer. James was looking over the ledge, a cigerette between his fingers.

I met him on the first day, in mythology class, we've been friends ever since. We like to hang out on the roof after hours."

Rather:

I started college last fall at Omen University, and became friends with a fellow student in a mythology class I was taking. James and I liked to hang out on the roof of the dorm after hours. From the roof we could look down on the Quad, and watch students scamper between evening classes. One night James was leaning over the edge of the roof, a cigarette dangling between his fingers... etc, etc...

Here, the sentence flow is smoother and flows logically; AND the writing is SHOWING, or building in the readers mind, what the character is experiencing, and this helps drawing the reader into the story and keeping the reader envolved.

Dialogue:

Dialogue tends to sound to simular; try to use dialogue to enhance your characters personna. Nothing worse than every character sounding alike. Also, only use dialogue to move the story forward; if if doesn't; don't use it.

Closing:

I would suggest ending the piece at this point:

"I held up the knife."

This allows the readers imagination to conclude what happened.

Technical info:

Always post in the correct format:

1. Indentation at the beginning of every paragraph and dialogue.
2. Space between dialogue. This helps identify who is speaking.

I.E.

Having to live the worst few minutes of your life over and over again is torture. that's why, after my older sister Lidia moved back home, because I was only seventeen at the time, made me start going to see a therapist. He said it was just my young mind trying to cope with the trama of the accadent. I say his old mind is cenile, but, he is the one with a degree.

Getting out of bed, I went to take a hot shower and get ready. My first class starts in forty minutes.Twenty minutes later, I'm going down the stairs two at a time. I almost made it to the door before stopped me.

" Micheal, wait, you need to eat breakfast first. " Lidia said.

" Sorry, can't, late. " I said shutting the door before Lidia could say something else.

Fifteen minutes later, I pull into the school to see yellow tape everywhere. Getting out of the car I quickly find a cop and ask him what was going on.

" School's closed, that boy, James harvel was found dead this morning. " The cop said.

" How? " I said, my throat tittening.

" Suicide, he jumped from the roof. "

I thought of my nightmare, but pushed it aside.

There are plenty of excellent reviewers on this site; many are published authors and/or professional editors. Most will not review work if the author won't take the time to place the piece up in the proper format.

IMPORTANT:

Before placing any work on the boards, please format piece (sometimes you'll have to do it manually after submitting..something about the program being used.), AND correct any spelling errors you find. You'll miss a few; we all do, but you want to keep this to a minimum. Grammar, heck, we all suck at it, so do the best you can.. *Wink*

Like I said before.. you have a great imagination.. keep it going..
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Review of Her Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
More often than not, I begin by indicating that the writer needs to develop a strong opening paragraph to capture the reader's interest into continung reading; here, your first two paragraphs are very strong and draws the reader into the story...AND, you had a hook; that is; a phrase or line that peaks the reader's curiousity into contining with the piece. This is excellent, as most writers don't get this concept.

I look at these short paragraphs and can see a multitude of opportunities to expand this into a full fleged story, and I can also see these as a prologue.

On the downside; I would suggest showing the story rather than telling it. In showing the story, you allow the reader to get involved in the story; which is the goal of every writer; that is, to draw the reader into the story as if the reader is beside the protagonist, and feeling every emotion the protagonist feels.

Remember that the reader needs to identify with the characters, so make them believable; emotionally et al. This includes dialogue; dialogue enhances a character's personna, and only use it if it moves the story forward.

Remember all stories need conflict, rising conflict, resolution, conclusion.

In short stories, use minimal characters, novels, its up to you.

Try to close every chapter with a hook, as this entices the reader into wanting to turn the page. Check out R L Stine of Goosebumps fame (preteen books); excellent example of using a hook at the end of every chapter.

Work you sentences so that they flow smoothly; the smoother they are; the easier it is to keep your reader's attention.
I.e. You wrote:
"She walks down a path that will lead to a meadow. In that meadow she will find a hill..."
Rather:
"She walks down a path that leads to a meadow, and in that meadow she finds a hill..."

Your teacher was right; you can write, so keep it up!
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Review of The Hidden Side  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Loves this as it works very well..

My only suggestion would be to stay away, when you can, from the adverbs form (-ly) as it tends to slow down and break smooth flow of read.

Other than that... good work!
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Am not a skilled enough writer to seriously attempt poetry, and admire those that do.

I love the words in this piece, and would only suggest would be to edit some of the phrases to enhance the lyrical sense of the piece.

I enjoyed this piece.
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well, I like the dialogue... obviously a story on teen angst.

Basic premise on story writing; whether it be short story, novel, et al.

1. You NEED to write a powerful opening paragraph to capture the reader's interest; fail here and you will lose your reader.

2. You need to help the reader identify your protagonist (main character) with some lead in.. who is she? age? etc. This helps to draw the reader into the story.

3. Show, don't tell.. i.e. you wrote: "RING- "Ugh, Kenzie, what does she want, maybe to just blabber on about how hot her boyfriend Logan is. I'll pick it up anyway." Rather: (Character-not sure what character's name is but will use Phoebe) The jangle of her bedside phone drew Phoebe away from the window. She looked down at the caller i.d. and noticed it was Kenzie. Ugh she thought as she lifted the receiver.... Now you're bringing the reader into the story; which is what you want to do..Remember, the more you can draw the reader into the story as if they are in the scene; the more likely you will keep your reader.

4. Remember you KNOW what you want to say; the reader doesn't. So you have to write it so the reader understands what is going on.

Here it looks like (in bold print) you are writing a screen play, then jump into a dialogue from a story, then back again to a screen play. As a reader you have me confused; I'm sure most reader will feel the same way.

On the positive side: I like your dialogue; shows you can write!
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Review of Him  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good piece that starts out strong enough to capture the reader's interest. (Always the way to start any piece.)

Though I prefer long flowing sentences; your structure maintains good, consistent tempo from beginning to end.

Characterizations good and dialogue matches character. (Always keep in the back of your mind that dialogue helps define character.)

Structure suffers here. I.e.

You wrote:
I was here again. I always felt uneasy when I was in this room. The yellowing walls were bare. I could hear the florescent lights buzzing. God how I hated it all.

I heard the door shut. I sighed then waited for him to take his seat in the wooden mahogany desk in front of me.

“So what happened this time?” he asked with some concern. “I don't want to be here. That's what happened” I said not meeting his gaze. “What happened?” he asked again. I didn't like how persistent he was. In fact it annoyed me greatly.

“Like I said. I don't want to be here” “There's a reason for everything.” I looked at his light grey eyes. They're so friendly and inviting. They make you want to tell him everything. The others seemed cold and uncaring.

“Well?”. I sighed again and decided there was no point in not saying anything. “It was him again” I said putting emphasis on him.

“He makes me feel worthless and useless. I still have the bruises he left on me from last time. He got drunk again. I hid in my room as always. It's always the worst when he's drunk. He found me in my closet, he started yelling how it's my fault she left, how I was a mistake. An accident. He then proceeded to hit me in the face. I could taste the blood in my mouth. It's strange how I've become so accustomed to all of it. I don't want to be accustomed to it. I don't want to be afraid of my own home. I don't want to have to hide bruises. It's not the way I want to live. In fear.” I looked up to see his reaction.

Rather:

I was here again. I always felt uneasy when I was in this room. The yellowing walls were bare. I could hear the florescent lights buzzing. God how I hated it all. I heard the door shut. I sighed then waited for him to take his seat in the wooden mahogany desk in front of me.

“So what happened this time?” he asked with some concern.

“I don't want to be here. That's what happened” I said not meeting his gaze.

“What happened?” he asked again.

I didn't like how persistent he was. In fact it annoyed me greatly.

“Like I said. I don't want to be here”

“There's a reason for everything.”

I looked at his light grey eyes. They're so friendly and inviting. They make you want to tell him everything. The others seemed cold and uncaring.

“Well?”. (Here I'm guessing that it's the male speaking. You need to identify speaker or reader will be confused.)

I sighed again and decided there was no point in not saying anything. “It was him again” I said putting emphasis on him. “He makes me feel worthless and useless. I still have the bruises he left on me from last time. He got drunk again. I hid in my room as always. It's always the worst when he's drunk. He found me in my closet, he started yelling how it's my fault she left, how I was a mistake. An accident. He then proceeded to hit me in the face. I could taste the blood in my mouth. It's strange how I've become so accustomed to all of it. I don't want to be accustomed to it. I don't want to be afraid of my own home. I don't want to have to hide bruises. It's not the way I want to live. In fear.” I looked up to see his reaction.

Remember to post work in the proper format Indentions, spacing to identify speakers etc.

Good close, and good work!
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting beginning that is well written.

Just a few suggestions.

Opening paragraph in a types of work, short stories, novels, novellas, et al; needs to be powerful, as here is were you need to catch yur readers interest. Failing to catch your readers attention, and, more than likely, the reader will not continue reading.

The opening parageaph should also include a "hook"; that is, something, or some passage, that peaks the reader's curiosity to continue reading.


Your last phrase: "...The kind that is indescribably beautiful and magical while it lasts, but then quickly slips away like paint evaporating on a canvas..." does not do this; to tell you the truth, it doesn't make sense. paint does not evaporate on a canvas..rather, water evaporates in the sun..etc..and the phrase doesn't excite or stimualte the reader to continue.

Way too many adverbs (-ly).. try to stay away form using these when you can, as they tend to slow down the read. Rephrase these to keep your sentences flowing as smooth as possible. HINT: Smooth flowing sentences make easier reads for reader, and the easier the read, the better the chance of you keeping your reader's interest.

Close your chapters with a "hook"; as this will make the reader want to turn the page to find out what's going to happen next. Best writer that did this was R L Stine of "Goosebumps" fame (preteen stories).

Dialogue needs to move the story; if it doesn't; CUT IT!

Hope this helps...keep it going!
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Review of The Castle Wall  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Excellent children's story that presents a message to the reader.

Would suggest establishing a specific age group for your story, and fine tuning your verbage to fit that age group. (I'd say between five to ten years of age.)

Also, if you know someone that can draw; add pictures to go along with the story. I do feel that this story contains enough merit to be published, and society lacks good, fresh children's tales.

I'm not a grammarian, so I will not comment on the lack of punctuation.

Other than the punctuation; well done.
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
As with all genre, whether it is romance, detectiive, suspense, or horror; you need to develop a strong opening paragraph. That is, a paragraph that will catch the reader's attention and make them want to continue reading. Here in this story, you want to instill fear; raise the hairs on the back of the neck of your reader right at the beginning. Using sex and foul language doesn't do this.

I like that you're using third person POV as this allows you to show the reader what's going on with each character. (Very good choice.)

Sentence flow: Pretty good here, but could be better. Try to write your sentences so that they flow smoothly and transition logically, so that the story moves along, and continues to draw the reader into the story. The goal of every writer is to try to get them to get emotionally drawn into the story as if they are with the character, and seeing what the character sees.

Show not Tell the story: In ths piece, you are telling the story; by telling the story, the reader cannot be drawn into the story, and therefore, will not be drawn into it. This is called reader identification.

I.E.

You wrote:

"...Stripper pole at a local Tittie bar..."

Rather:

"...Stripper pole at How They Hangin', a local tittie bar the nine to fives hung out at after work. Now you have reader identification. Reader's can see people, or guys going to a bar after work.

Dialogue: Dialogue needs to fit your character. We all don't speak the same, and there's nothing worse than all your characters sounding alike. Dialogue also inreases reader identification of the character and adds to the character's personna. Note here: IF THE DIALOGUE DOESN'T MOVE THE STORY FOWARD: DON'T USE IT!

Story basics: Open with a strong paragraph.
Introduce character or conflict early; in opening paragraph, if you can.
Conflict should rise, then level, then rise again; before character begins to resolve the issue.
Resolution or conclusion; the end of the story.

Phrasing: You are writing a horror story; use words, phrases that will "creep out" your reader. (That's why they want to read a horror story.) Paint your scenes that will emphasize dread, fear etc; this will give more impact to the story, and help draw the reader in.

Important info: Post your pieces in proper format:

I.E.

You wrote:

The Sky Remains purple the Air has a smell of Sweetness and a Nasty sour Oder to it. She slowly gets to her feet shaking off deb re and everything else on her. She looks around calling out her former Pimp's name feeling lost and hopeless and she hears nothing. She notices all the Abandoned Vehicles in the parking lot some with keys and doors left in them. She finds an old 1964 Cadillac convertible with the keys still left in them so she decides to get in the car and haul ass and she begins to freak out not knowing what and the fuck is going on she is craving that hit of Meth or that hit of crack but her nerves and curiosity are so disorientated about the current situation she doesn't give what gives her pleasure another thought. She slowly drives from the West side of Jacksonville she goes 95 south heading towards the Beach and as she looks out the windows of her new found Cadillac she sees people just random people moving at a slow very slow pace up and down the free way moaning and growing even eating remaining flesh on their skin. Krystal's is beginning to continue to feel the urge to get high she is thinking this is all but a dream and that she will wake up at any minute she cant believe what she is witnessing she put the pedal to the metal trying to get to the Beach side of Jacksonville to try and find her supplier named Tyrone. Tyrone is your typical gang banger he usually supplies Krystal with anything she wants when it comes to drugs for Favors.. So she is Relying on getting to his place as fast as possible but she is still wondering What and the fuck happened at the bar and what happened to all her Customers at the bar.Krystal finally makes it to the Jacksonville beach and pulls up to the Corner Tyrone and his homies normally hang out at. She sees him standing their from a distance and hes walking very unusual towards her she hears moans and groans coming from him in a deep very Demonic voice. Shes like Tyrone is that you? She hears Tyrone using his Ebonics type slang in a Demonic type of voice Come hear Bitch I got what you need Tyrone move's closer and closer to the car dragging his feet

Rather:

The Sky Remains purple the Air has a smell of Sweetness and a Nasty sour Oder to it. She slowly gets to her feet shaking off deb re and everything else on her. She looks around calling out her former Pimp's name feeling lost and hopeless and she hears nothing. She notices all the Abandoned Vehicles in the parking lot some with keys and doors left in them. She finds an old 1964 Cadillac convertible with the keys still left in them so she decides to get in the car and haul ass and she begins to freak out not knowing what and the fuck is going on she is craving that hit of Meth or that hit of crack but her nerves and curiosity are so disorientated about the current situation she doesn't give what gives her pleasure another thought.

She slowly drives from the West side of Jacksonville she goes 95 south heading towards the Beach and as she looks out the windows of her new found Cadillac she sees people just random people moving at a slow very slow pace up and down the free way moaning and growing even eating remaining flesh on their skin. Krystal's is beginning to continue to feel the urge to get high she is thinking this is all but a dream and that she will wake up at any minute she cant believe what she is witnessing she put the pedal to the metal trying to get to the Beach side of Jacksonville to try and find her supplier named Tyrone.

Tyrone is your typical gang banger he usually supplies Krystal with anything she wants when it comes to drugs for Favors.. So she is Relying on getting to his place as fast as possible but she is still wondering What and the fuck happened at the bar and what happened to all her Customers at the bar.Krystal finally makes it to the Jacksonville beach and pulls up to the Corner Tyrone and his homies normally hang out at. She sees him standing their from a distance and hes walking very unusual towards her she hears moans and groans coming from him in a deep very Demonic voice. Shes like Tyrone

" is that you? " (dialogue)

She hears Tyrone using his Ebonics type slang in a Demonic type of voice

"Come hear Bitch I got what you need " (dialogue)

Tyrone move's closer and closer to the car dragging his feet ....

By posting in the proper format; you will get more reviewers to read your work.

Hope this helps. Godd luck and keep writing!
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Review of Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good piece.

Opening paragraph needs to be stronger to catch the reader's interest, and draww the reader into the story. Fail here, and you usually lose the reader.

Sentence flow a bit uneven. Try to rephrase to smooth out the flow. Common thought here is that the smoother the flow, the easier it is to draw the reader into the story.

I.E.

You wrote: "“…Yes. I need to see the one who killed all those scientists, with my very own eyes"

Rather: "“…Yes. I need to see with my very own eyes the one who killed all those scientists,"

Tempo: Try to keep the tempo even. That is, how the piece reads. Try to make it as smooth and even as you can.

Characterization: Believable

Dialogue: Strive to make your dialogue fit the character. Individualize dialogue helps define the character's personna. (And there's nothing worse than having all your characters sounding alike.)

Conflict introduction: Excellent rising action and build up of suspense.

Closing: Excellent closing "hook" that makes the reader want to turn the page.

All in all; pretty darn good!
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent piece that promises and delivers.

Opening praragraph could be stronger, but works here.

Sentence flow a little bumpy; here I would suggest reviewing and eliminating words that aren't neccessary, and improve flow. Also, try to remove adverbs (-ly), if you can, as they tend to interrupt the flow of sentences.

Characterizations excellent.

Dialogue good: Here I suggest using spacing to seperate dialogue.

Ecellent build-up and great, if surprising, close. (You had me thinking the "True Romance" close.)

Great work!
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Review of The Old Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good premise for a stroy.

Characterization good.

Though well written; tempo and flow suffers; would like to see sentences flow smoothly and transition logically.

Opening paragraph weak, and needs to have more impact to draw the reader into the story. In any genre you chose to write in, the same will hold true; fail here, and you will probably lose your reader.

Your lead in promised an emotional tale, yet it read like it was given in a detached, matter of fact way. I think this is because you're telling the story, rather than showing. By telling, you prevent the reader from being drawn into the story emotionally; which is the goal of every writer. You want the reader to feel as the protagonist feels, as if the reader was there in the scene.

I.E. "I asked him what he had there." Sounds like: "Hey, whadda ya got there?" Rather: "I knew what he was holding was precious to him, and I just had to ask." Reader identifys with both, but the former sounds cold, and the latter sounds caring.

I think it's a good piece..Good luck.

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Review of We Never Sleep  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Excellent piece and well written. Story quickly draws the reader into the story.

Great tempo with smooth fluid sentences.

One of the great items of being a member of this site is that you get the opportunity to read works of highly skilled writers such as yourself and, in doing so, fledgling writers, such as myself, gain valuable knowledge.

Thank you for a much enjoyable read, and I look forward to reading your next chapter of this story.
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Review of Dan's Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good stuff with a protagonist that could perform an many future works...
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Review of Grave Robber  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Good little story that is difficult to review.

Opening pargraph is good and has a hook to draw reader into continuing with the read.

Sentence structure faulty and doesn't flow smoothly; this causes the reader to stumble, and may lead to the reader to bypass the story.

I.E.

You wrote:

Basically a really creepy guy Tom was even if he did get enough sunlight

Should be:

Basically, Tom was a really creepy guy even if he did get enough sunlight.

Piece has many such sections that need to be corrected. I apologize if I am wrong; but I assume English is a second language for you. If I am correct, I would suggest watching films or listening to other people speak so you can catch the rythm (flow) of dialogue (sentences).

Other than that. this is a very good piece. Keep it up.
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Review of Lost Souls  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
In all actuality, this is a very good short piece.

My suggestions are as follows:

1. Opening pargraph needs to be stong so as to draw the rader's curiosity into continuing to read. Fail here and you lose the reader.

2. Sentences need to flow smoothly and transition logically; again this helps draw the reader into the story.

3. Here you TOLD the story, rather than SHOW the story; in doing this, the reader cannot be drawn into the story and that means you may lose your reader.

4. Choose your words carefully; if you're trying to scare the reader; paint the picture with words that convey the feeling of fear and creepyness that you want the reader to experience.

Seeing that this was written in high school; it is a very good effort; now let your creative juices flow and free write it.

Good work
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This probably should have been titled: "The effects of Religion on HIstory" or someting in that nature.

True Henry the Eighth started the Church of England; however, he also persecuted anyone in England that dare remain Catholic, and that's how the Church of England dominated.

In the south and the central farm belt in the U.S., protestants still deny that Catholics are Christians; kind of funny since the definition of Catholic means believer in one God...John F Kennedy was the only Catholic president we've had and still the mere fact that one is Catholic is somewhat of a millstone when running for office...

The Roman Catholic Church persecuted it's own kind, the Jesuits, for promoting celebacy and the vow of proverty; the church went as so far as to destroy the schools and libraries the Jesuits built during their reign in the Catholic Church. Had it not been for the common people rebelling against the church, we would not have Jesuits today: in its stead, we would still have the hierarchy of the church living the pompous life with untold riches and plenty of wenches.

All in all the piece works well, though I would have preferred to see some detailed facts with corresponding footnotes.

Good piece though
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Review of Someone  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
If you wrote it this way:

I just wanted to be someone,

Then you've got something...
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Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good piece, and I agree with you that sports or physical activity is a stimuli for education.

Technology alos plays an important part in the decrease of the physical health of our youth as well as the demise of social networking.

Children would rather sit in front of a TV playing video games etc, rather than participating in some sort of physical recreational activity.

While some parents push their children into participation in physical activities, others use technology as a babysitting service.

While this can and has been an excuse used in the last few years, in education, the rising cost and falling budgets forces schools to cut back in areas adminstrators feel that would have a lesser impact on educational progress.

Your point that a well rounded program covering all aspects of development would also enhance educational development is well taken.

Good piece.
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Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Anderson Dana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very good beginning for someone that doesn't like to write except on whims.

Good sentence flow and good transitions.

Characters believable

Dialogue matches characters.

Good rise in action

Good closing hook that makes the reader want to turn the page.

My only suggestion would not to let your paragraphs get too long

I.e.

“This is all my fault. If only I hadn’t started that stupid fight…” The rest of her words were drowned out by the sobs shaking her body. Dad stroked her hair and tried to comfort her. I just watched in shock. Mom was right; it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. But how? And…why? I had so many questions, and almost all of them were unanswerable.

Suddenly, I knew exactly what I needed to do. This was the kind of adventure I had only read about in books. It was dangerous, and, when I look back, a totally insane idea, but it was the kind of thing I had been waiting for my whole life. The kind of thing that I wished I could experience every time a finished an adventure story. It was stupid, a sort of snap decision that I made, but I knew that now that the idea was in my head, there was no turning back. I made a stupid excuse to leave the table and bounded up the stairs to my room where, lying on my bed with my ipod on, I devised a plan that, to my 13-year-old brain, seemed like a plan worthy of a master detective.

I looked around my room for something to pack up in, and found my neon-green backpack that I normally would use for school. I turned it upside down and shook out all my schoolbooks, including my very heavy Algebra 1 textbook. Storing my binders under my desk for later, I walked over to my dresser. I folded 3 pairs of plain old blue jeans, 2 pairs of rainbow striped socks, 3 pairs with monkeys on them, (you can never bring too many socks), underwear, and three tee-shirts, one with a purple owl on it, an old grey camp shirt from a thousand years ago, and finally my favorite "Nerdy Chicks Rule" shirt, with a large chick on the front holding a ruler. While I was debating whether or not to bring pajamas, something glittery caught my eye. I looked over to it and realized that it was the necklace that Leah had given me for my 11th birthday. That was back in the time when I idolized her, and would do anything to be her friend, so when she gave this to me I was so excited that I wore it every single day for the next year, and personally made sure she was wearing her half too. See, it was one if those friendship necklaces that come in pairs and, when put together, the charms form a heart. My half was a light purple and rimmed with silver, while hers was pink. As I held it in my hand, the cool silver back pressed into my palm, I wondered if she still had hers. I wasn't a big jewelry person, and I hadn't worn the necklace in over a year, but I had a sudden urge to put it on. I hid the charm under my shirt, just in case Mom caught sight of it and started bawling again.

She seemed to have stopped crying, and was now ranting to my dad about Ryan and how he was an awful boy who she shouldn't have trusted. I think she was just upset and had to blame someone, because when I had seen Ryan he seemed like a pretty nice guy, not someone who would do anything bad to Leah. At least, I think they had a fairly happy relationship. Anyway, I thought some more and realized that there might be times when I needed something to do, so I pushed around a few books on the shelves until I found the book I was reading: "Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince" for the fifth time. I put that in my backpack too.

Then, dragging my bag downstairs into the kitchen, I was thankful that my parents had moved to the living room because now it was time for a little food stealing. I opened the fridge door and rummaged through the piles of tupperware until I found what I was looking for: tomorrow's lunch. It contained of two tuna fish sandwiches, a very red, shiny apple, and a small plastic bag of pretzels. This seemed pretty boring to me, especially since I had to survive on this the whole weekend, so I grabbed a big bag of peanut butter sandwich cookies, 2 bottles of water, some leftover lasagna, and a few slices of pizza from yesterday's dinner. I hoped that the cheese was still good. Finally, I dragged my over-stuffed backpack up to my room again and printed up a map of downtown, telling my parents it was a project for school. Then I began tracing the different streets and figuring out my route. I heard the door creak behind me just as I finished.

Good writing
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