Some good stuff here; a good story to work with for sure. I'm wondering if there would be a way to not give up the family secret so soon though? Just a thought.
Below are a few typos that I caught as well as a couple of sentences that you may want to reword to make more clear. Just my opinion of course, I'm far from being any sort of expert, hehehe-hope you find the suggestions useful though!
Its always you –It’s
loosing – losing
“He’ll adapt to it in a years- a FEW years… (not sure if that’s what you meant) Also, wondering would it really take a few years to adapt, or perhaps a few months?
He shifted his weight nervously and worked up the nerve to get to the gist of the conversation.- He seems to confident previously to be shifting nervously
Do you remember the last time I seen you- since he’s an educated lawyer I would think he would say "the last time I saw you” or “the last time we saw each other” rather than "seen"
“Yes, well, you have to decide what you wish to do about that.” his voice turning the coldest I had ever heard it. “Collin said you hadn’t and refused.”- a bit of a confusing sentence here.
“Da’s stories- Pa’s
I drained the flask but still desired more. -I'm guessing this isn't water, but I kind of think rather than making the reader guess that it's blood, somehow point that out somewhere? Just a thought!
Definitely has potential! I'll try to read chapter 2 sometime later.
Cheers!
Oh wonderful twist! I had not seen that coming at all. I liked it and want to read more about Rena! Are you planning to expand? You could do so much with this.
There were just a few things that jumped out that you may or may not find useful-some things that, might make a few sentences flow better. Some words that probably just got left out and just my own view on the last one below:
paragraph 5-was as equally non-descript - I think this would flow better like- "he was equally AS non-descript..."
paragraph 6 -about to make presentation - "make A presentation..."
paragraph 11- just stood there a moment too holding the badge- I'm wondering if this might flow bettte like- "She just stood there a moment AS WELL, holding the badge...." just a thought.
Let me know if you do more with this piece-would love to follow.
Oh, wow-wasn't expecting that at all. Good stuff!
I saw one little niggle though- paragraph 2- "chill glass and" perhaps you meant chilled glass?
Love the descriptions-very vivid. And such a shocker at the end!
Great little tale, I quite enjoyed it. I could feel the cold air and see the distorted images like walking through a looking glass.
There were just a few things that popped out at me that you may or may not find useful; just some things that may help a few lines flow a bit more easily. Only my opinion of course!
pargraph 3-became so cold my sight of the hallway now began - perhaps "my vision wavered as well as I looked down the hallway" or something like that.
paragraph 4- It became clear now and I followed -perhaps "as my vision cleared, the hand became more vivid"
Paragraph 5- you could also tell these people were on the run with barely any clothing, food sacks or equipment of any sort with them.-perhaps delete the" barely any clothing" since it's mentioned in the next sentence and maybe something like "These people looked as though they were on the run as there were no food sacks or equipment to be seen and they certainly were not dressed for this type of weather as they had no heavey skins...."
paragraph 7 -his face softened and you could tell he came to the same - I'm thinking that since it's you that sees it and is telling the story that maybe this should say "his face softened and I could tell..."
same paragraph- The Chief sat down now in the snow, softening his grip on my arm - I'm thinking you would have had to sit down with him or he would simply have to let go; I know, niggly of me, but this is how I feel it would play out if someone was holding my arm and sitting down-
same paragraph- to wavier, becoming distorted more than before - is it your vision of him that is becoming distorted? I wasn't clear on this.
paragraph 9-I knew then what I had been privileged to was real, - privileged to WITNESS ?
Again, I really liked the whole idea; I'd like to know which Indian tribe roamed that area too. Maybe you could add a little something about that at the end...Just a thought! :-0
Cheers and keep up the good work! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I quite liked this! Though I don't have children, I could relate to so much of the rest of it; the magical ages of 21, 30 and so on. When do we become mature anyway? At 44 I'm still waiting for it-LOL!
Well done. I look forward to checking out some of your other pieces.
Glad I didn't read this at night; very good! I'm surprised that Poe isn't on your list of fave authors. Though I haven't read him since-ummm well, you know, a long time ago-hehehe, this made me think of his work. I look forward to reading some of your other stuff.
Cheers!
Great story! Love the imagination. I could almost sort of see something like this happening.
I just have a few things that you might want to think about, a few typos and missing words, and just a few ideas that could help you bring more reality to the story. Just my opinion of course; I hope it's helpful!
paragraph 2 - "to front door" - to THE front door
same paragraph- "humid air. Which seemed" I think this should be humid air, which seemed even warmer. (my opinion here, I just didn't think the word "hotter" worked well there.)
Same paragraph - "That's why -in his house- he always " I think the dashes are unecessary here.
same paragraph- "no matter what weather"- no matter what THE weather
I'm thinking in paragraph 3 re: Gale paying the jewellers to meet him at the airport...since he probably wouldn't pay them anything unless he was actually buying something-maybe say something like the jewellers knew he paid top dollar for anything he bought, and this is whey they met him at the airport...something like that.
Jewells & Jewellry=2 LL's
paragraph 4- "Only one piece of art stood" since it's jewellry (the necklace), I think you should refer to it as such-maybe just use some different words like "one dazzling item caught his eye". And I'm wondering if he should ask her how much she's selling it for....just a thought.
5th paragraph- "Thats"- THAT'S
5th paragraph - is it a couch or a chair? says one thing in one sentence and then something else later.
6th paragraph - "He dug his hands into the sand"-maybe mention something about the sand in the first line of the paragraph-that he was laying down in sand,
7th paragraph - "Gale stood, a small sand hill stood a few metres away" maybe say HE SAW a small sand hill...
Also-maybe say that he started to walk towards that hill...explain that he is in fact walking rather than suddenly "Gale walked on" he first has to be walking to walk on...
8th paragraph - sencond (just a typo SECOND)
and probably just another typo PIRANHAS
8th paragraph from the bottom- "a bit re-faced from his last break-out" not sure I think you meant RED-FACED but not sure about the break-out.
"You might be wondering why your here Mr. Hawthorne" - YOU'RE here
"was spiked, in the jet" no comma needed after spiked
"toxins in the air poisoned you. Causing you to hallucinate"should be a continuous sentence- no period after "you"
"The poison targets fear in the brain. Altering it into hallucinations- into, reality"should be a continuous sentence, no period after "brain" and the second part of the sentence doen't make sense to me. I get altering into hallucinations, but not the into reality part.
Very good. Gripping for sure. I didn't know what the relationship between the two stories was going to be, but it held me till the end, and I didn't see it coming. Well done!
Brilliant work! Really had my attention to the very end. And I can so relate to this woman on many levels; the whole anxious waiting to talk to your spouse about that terrible incident; the alcohol fuelled anger. And I was not expecting that ending at all. Loved it.
There are just a few typos I hope you don't mind me pointing out.
To-to : Earlier in the paraghraph it was To-To, so I thought the T's should still both be capped.
5th paragraph: "didn’t blame him on little bit" I'm assuming you meant to put an 'e' at the end of on
7th paragraph: But why she was here in this motel room? I'm thinking you meant "why was she here" Just got the words backwards?
12th paragraph: "Right he just asked me to leave"I think there should be a comma after the word Right.
Sorry for being nitpicky, but it's just such a good piece, it deserves to have everything right.
Cheers!
Gripping. You had my attention from the first line. Loved the vivid descriptions; I could feel the cool air that one would feel in a foggy forest. I was a tad unclear though about if or how Cassidy die as well-I'm probably just a bit dense.
oh, wow. That hit me. I like it. I don't normally read poetry-though I've been reading it more since being on this site, and it's poems like this that are making me become more interested in it. Keep up the good work!
Harsh-but good. And very true. Being a personal trainer and former fitness blogger, I can relate to what you are saying fully. I find, though, with these types of essays, we are usually preaching to the choir. But, keep on preaching; occasionally a new ear that needs to hear it will.
As an added tidbit, I don't know if you've done any research on it, but another reason that veggies and fruit are so lacking in nutrients is due to the poor quality of soil. A few authors (Michael Pollan pops first into my mind) have written about this; just something you might want to look into and add.
The only other thing I would like to add is that in the line "Food picked a month prior to being naturally ripened doesn't have the same minerals, vitamins, or taste vine ripened has. Believe it, just taste." Did you mean to say "DON'T believe it? Just taste." ??
Wow, good stuff. And so real-I know of situations very similar to this where one person in a relationship does something fairly bad-and the other drives off either away from the person or too the person because of the bad thing-and then dies in a crash and of course the first person feels to blame and in a way is to blame. Something like this happened to an old friend of mine-so it kind of hit me.
Well done!
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