So...I'm about to be a bit brutal with honesty, and I hope you see it as constructive rather than mean. I want you to know that I think you are an extremely talented writer, regardless of my opinion of this. You should also keep in mind that my opinion of this poem is subjective, so it means absolutely nothing (as evidenced by the three previous exemplary ratings) relative to the actual quality (or your own opinion) of your work. Whew. Moving on from the disclaimer:
I don't like it when you rhyme. I think the construction of the poem stifles your ability to choose more efficient, illustrative words, and one of the things I like most about your writing is your diction. The rhyme scheme sounds contrived and it forces you to use fluffy phrases like "i hear about a land far away/ stories of happiness/ in whispered ways." Even the final line is a little too dramatic for me.
...In rereading it, I see that I really only take issue with the final two stanzas and the concluding line. Is there another way you could illustrate the main character's longing? Perhaps by showing the place that she would rather be, as a form of contrast? I don't know. I really enjoy the way you recreate scenes, and this was more cotton candy than concrete for me, if you know what I mean. I would love to see less of a focus on rhyming, and more on interesting word choices.
And again, I'm no professional (my poems are ridiculously horrible), so please don't take this too hard! You are a prolific and talented writer, and don't you forget it.
It's been lovely raiding your port.
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This is my favorite of your pieces so far! The whole thing is distinctive, fast, hard, raw, and dirty, perfectly paralleling the story it tells. It's "Grease" meets "Riding in Cars with Boys," and you execute it perfectly. My favorite aspect is the voice and the word choice that comes along with it - "We'd ride into that haunted house, make love, come out laughing on the other side. Like starting at the bottom of a rollercoaster, climbing the hills, groaning against tough times." The characters are the school's badasses, and I can perfectly picture the same couple at my high school. They were the cool kids, and everyone wanted to be them. I really like that you wrote it as a letter, too, because I think it gave you a medium to try something new with your stylistic choices. I really like it, and I hope you do some more like this in the future (you might have similar ones already that I haven't found yet ...getting through your portfolio is a daunting and impressive task).
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I'd like to preface my review by saying that I really like your writing style. It's concise but imaginative, and your language choices are great (especially the final line - "The remains of the balloon were a rainbow of flaming colors"...what a great image!). I also think that you manage to have a strong voice in the piece, even though your narrator is passive. The rhythm and word choice is really interesting, and I think your style is what makes it a quality bit of writing.
That being said, I have a couple of notes:
First, I just noticed a silly technical error. There doesn't need to be an apostrophe after "its" in the sentence "...children when they lay in newly mowed grass with its' sweet smell..."
Secondly - and this is purely a personal opinion and has nothing to do with your ability as a writer - I felt like the story was entirely too depressing. I realize that this is actually the point of the piece, and that I should appreciate the skill required to evoke sorrow. I do, in fact, appreciate this skill, but I guess it just kind of read like a depressing back-page newspaper article piece to me. Which again, I suppose, is the point. Think of this comment as a critique of a chick-flick by a thriller enthusiast. Not necessarily my cup of tea, but I like it nonetheless. Perhaps the fact that I like it despite my discomfort with the mood is an even greater testament to your writing ability than if I had been a sob-story enthusiast from the start?
Conclusion of my tirade: I like it. Good job.
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