...Wow, didn't see that one coming. Why'd he have to kill himself? Though it was a fitting ending. However, I will say this, I could tell the writing in this was rough. Your writing skill needs a little work, but by no means is it bad. Just...undeveloped. A few corrections:
1)You forgot to put a space between paragraph 1 and 2.
2)In the third paragraph, you need to separate it. See, in writing, only one person can speak in a paragraph, you got both the guy and girl speaking in that one.
3)In paragraph 9, you spelled "pulled" as "puled."
4)In paragraph 16 you spelled "habbit" as "habit."
5)It's spelled "lying" not "lieing."
6)You characters call eachother baby a bit too much, I think. You might want to drop a couple of them.
7)There are more spelling/grammar errors, but I think you can find them yourself if you look hard enough.
8)I like this story, and it's pretty good (despite the things I've already said), however, personally, I think it should be made longer. Add more to it. Who is this Mark? And why'd John just kill himself like that and not try to see if something could be worked out? Is there something about him that would make him do that? Like maybe he's insecure and is afraid of loosing his wife? Just some things for you to ponder.
This one is good, though not as good as the other one. I have a few comments on it:
1)In the 3rd line, it is spelled "there's" not "theres."
2)It seems you accidentaly combined the 4th and 5th line into one. Shouldn't it be separated between "moon" and "Hopefully"? Otherwise, if my rudimentary understanding of poetry serves me well, I would think you wouldn't capitalize "Hopefully" as it does not begin a line.
3)This poem is good, however, it seems to be lacking something. I'm not sure what it is, but it just seems to be. But remember, I'm not a good judge or poetry, so I could be completely wrong for all I know. This is just my opinion.
Live long and prosper, Qundar out.
P.S. Don't get me wrong, I do like it, despite what I said about it. Keep up the good work, and post more of your writes if you have any.
This might have gotten a higher rating, but I never get poetry. I'm reading it as much as I can hoping I will understand it someday and think, "Wow, this is cool!." But I did think it was pretty.
You know, I've been thinking of this recently. Matt. 5:48 (NIV) says, "Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect." This tells me we can live a life without sin. We'll always have our sin nature in us, and we'll always be in some way sinful, but, with a lot of effort and with God's help, we can live a sinless life. I'm still learning on this (I'm 17), but I think there is something to this. Thanks.
Also, I would have given this a 5.0, but there was spelling errors. I wish I had time to give them to you, but I have to go to church soon. One thing I will say is that you need to capitalize prnouns reffering to God and also you need to capitalize the Bible. Thanks.
Just noticed that I haven't rated this. Would've gotten a 5.0, but it's been a bit slow. However, I have a feeling that will change after the holidays. Great idea, great execution of said idea, and I hope it keeps going and doing God's work. Thanks!
I've always had a sneaking suspicion that the companies may be behind it, but (unlike the creation vs. evolution, FDA, and other conspiracies), I haven't studied enough to be sure. But they very well could be.
I'm not in college yet, but my best friend is. And she seems to be like that a bit. I will say that my snooze alarm goes for 9 minutes and peanut butter and quick powder sandwiches are good.
I never would've thought to analyze "The Wizard of OZ." I like this. I did notice four errors. In the second sentence of the fifth paragraph, you spell that "taht." In the last sentence of the same paragraph, you spell it's "it;s." In the fourth sentence of the sizth paragraph, you spell strength "strenght." In the sixth sentence of the same paragraph, you ommited "go" in the phrase "easier to on."
Other than that, I liked it. Thanks.
As I've told other writers, I'm new to poetry and so I can't give any advice on how to improve it, but I can tell you how much I liked it and how it made me feel.
I agree tht the US is bad: the FDA allowing deadly medicine to be used and excitotoxins put in our food, we're straying from our Constitution, etc. However, there are people who have (Hitler, Stalin, Napolean) and are (Bin Laden comes to mind) doing things more atrocious than we ever have. I hate it when I see the US do evil, but I also hate it when people say we're the worst. I thank you for this poem. It's true.
This is a really good Bible study. If it weren't for a few mistakes, it would have gotten a 5. I will post its impact on me in the forum tommorow. But now the critique:
Mistake 1.: This is just a little confusion under #3. (shod your feet...). In the first sentence of the second paragraph, shouldn't it be "Stand firm"? It threw me off for a moment before I figured it out.
Mistake 2.: In the first sentence of the first paragraph of #6 (the sword), you use defense twice. It might be a bit clearer if you delete the first one.
Mistake 3.: Also, under #1 (girdle of truth), you say "of ourselves, to ourselves, God." I didn't get the point of that.
Other than that, it was a really good sudy. As I said, I will post its impact on me tommorow in the forum. Thank you.
Live long and prosper, Qundar out.
P.S. I was wondering if it would be OK for me to use this study in my youth group. Also I have an idea for a study to use in the group that I'll give you in a few days. Bye.
This is a good article. I think it would make an excellent newsletter. I found no spelling or grammar mistakes. It is well written. I don't know what BUSINESS is, but I have a good guess. I recommend you do submit it.
Hahahahaha. I guessed what the sentry was around the place where you mentioned east fourth and cherry lane. This is real good. I did notice a few typos. Halfway through the third line of paragraph five, it skips down to the next line without filling out the one it was on. I can't remember the others, and unfortunatly I don't have enough time to read the story again. I close proofread is in order. But, otherwise this was a very good story. Thanks.
This is a very touching essay. I tend to be self-reliant as well. I am Christian and I know I should rely on God, but don't always suceed. When I do school, I rarely ask my Mom for help with math. Instead, I'll work on the same problem for 3 days before asking for help. I'm doing better now, but I still need work. Thanks.
This is pretty funny. I must admit, I never realized how boring that job would be. I'll have to say thank you to the person working at the theatre I go to.
Hi, it's me, Qundar from the Consuming Fire group. I must admit that I haven't been completly nice to my three sibling (brother 12, sister 8, and sister 6). I've never hit them, only smacked them (which my parents let me do) but I have smacked them to hard. I then send them to their room and sit down and beat myself up (mentally, not physically) for being such a mean idiot brother. When they come out of the room I hug them and apologize. I once had a really bad verbal fight with my brother. I don't remember much of it. I've been embarresed, angry at myself, regrettful, etc. about many things. But this is the only thing I've done that I'm ashamed of. My parents don't know of any of this, my brother and sisters haven't told them. Even though I never told them to. It amazes me how they still love me despite all this. I'd cry if I'd allow myself. I don't like to cry. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be like this when I'm a father. I hope not. I don't know if I could live with myself. Not that I've ever contemplated suicide. But if I ever abused my children, I might. Thank you for this. It's resolved my determination to never do anything like this again.
While many Christians are that way (they shouldn't be, it gives others a bad name), many aren't. The Bible does say to not judge others (don't try to remove the speck from your brother's eye when you have a plank in your own). However, that doesn't mean we can't say that so-and-so is wrong or such-and-such is wrong. It talks about he attitude. Don't judge and say "Oh, you do THAT? Oh, your bad, bad, bad. I won't talk to you anymore." And then talk about them behind their backs. That is wrong and unGodly. I do not think homosexuals should be banned from school, that is wrong. I do not thing that homosexuals are bad, it is what they do that is wrong.
Hello, I thought your story was pretty good. It certainly makes me want to read more. It had just a little to much flowerery description for me (but what little I have written seems to have to little description). I just joined today (08-16-04) and yours is the first I've reviewed. Thanks for the entertainment. Live long and prosper.
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