A very interesting piece...well written and beautiful (I know it's hard to write evocative poetry, from experience!). However, I would suggest following some form of rhyming syntax...although free verse works for a lot of poems, yours seems to call out for some sort of structure.
I feel it is, in part, due to the fact that you have words that don't exactly work, which is more easily forgiven when they reader feels they are chosen for a rhyme. In this case, for example, in your "i catch my breath, I simply can't believe" I was left wondering, why did she end on believe? There was no purpose there..the sentence continued, believe didn't seem to have any purpose...
Its difficult to pin down, more of a sense I got when I read it. Just thought I'd pass it along.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/quester
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 2:39am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
