Congratulations for your poem being selected for the Poetry Newsletter. Your poem shows a lot of insight into the loneliness that single persons often feel.
One thing I noticed is that you have punctuated your poem as if almost every line is a complete sentence. If you look more closely at the words, however, you will realize that your sentences often do not fall that way in your poem. For instance:
<<
I’ve looked, and I’ve searched, and I'm still not buying.
Into a dream that there is someone for me.
That will light up my life, and allow me to see.
>>
This is one sentence, not three. Also looking at these same three lines, I might suggest you consider replacing "a dream" with "the fantasy," and replace "That" with Who.
In the fifth line I would only put the word "NOT" in caps and omit the quotes.
I also encourage you to look at your poem again after it gets "cold" in your mind and look for ways to improve the rhythm. Read it out loud and listen for the places where it is harder to read smoothly.
I really do like the points you are making in your poem. I have spent several years as an adult single though I am now remarried. Keep writing--people need to hear what you are saying.
I like your treatment of the elusive sunbeam. It makes me think of the cartoon character "Trixie" who is always fascinated by them.
The last two lines don't seem right to me. After all you've said about it being everywhere and never in the same spot, I wonder why you say it is never moving. Also, I don't feel the connection with the sunbeam and the "keeper of all dreams."
I read this to my husband and he insisted I copy it and keep it at school to read to the students in the library. (I'm a school librarian.)
You have a gift to be able to describe this so well. I don't think anyone will beat you in this contest. I couldn't even begin to think of what to write for it.
The only thing I can think of at all to suggest is studying the rhythm and considering ways to smooth it ot in a couple of spots. But seriously, that problem pales in comparison to your great presentation of describing fireworks to a blind child.
I like your glimpses into the storms of summertime. You have a good way with words in your descriptions of the clouds.
I have a suggestion for the last stanza--instead of fingers coming down, try legs. Since two of your stanzas were written with clothing in mind, it seems that legs (with pointed toes) might be coming out below the cloud skirts.
This is a very nice story as well as a memory to treasure forever. I am hoping it is true.
You have built up your story well and have used a lot of description to bring it alive. I didn't catch any mistakes in grammar or spelling on my first read through.
The one thing I can think of that you might do to improve this piece is for you to study your sentences and look for ways to use fewer words to say the same thing combining ideas without making longer sentences. For instance, consider these sentences in your ninth paragraph:
"The drive to the pumpkin patch always seemed unbearably long. Pappy and I sang our favorite songs on the way. The sun was beginning to slip behind the sloping hills. It made the trees look as if the sun had set them ablaze."
You could combine the ideas of the first two sentences by saying "Pappy and I sang every song we knew so the drive wouldn't seem so long, but it still seemed like forever."
The second two lines could also be combined to make one more dramatic sentence with, "As the sun slipped behind the hills the fall leaves appeared ablaze in red, orange and yellow."
I am making the assumption that this is a true situation. Isn't it healing to write when you go through such pain. I lost my older brother in an airplaine accident when I was in college and wrote a long piece of prose at the time about him. It's interesting too, that I had picked out a star to memorialize him in my mind. Keith's star was in the Northern Cross if you know constellations.
You write your feelings well and have good things to say. If you want to improve your writing I suggest looking for more colorful or descriptive words as well as concentrating on the rhythem of the poem. Here are a few suggestions you might try:
Heaven now displays a new star. Thanks to a drunk driving a car.
Out on the road the man did not think. Of what he was risking with every drink.
Innocent life He held recklessly.
While my friends life ended needlessly.
This friend was my uncle;
he was special to me.
Now he is in heaven,
his killer goes scott free.
The hurt this causes our family and friends;
leaves an emptiness that never ends.
The death my uncle suffered
while riding in his car;
Left us empty and alone,
but heaven has a new star.
That is sweet and rather profound as well. I do like it very much. My husband adds that sometimes tears can be manipulative (referring to his "X" of course)
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