If you send me an email at QueenAfyn@writing.com then I will review your piece for free. This website wont let me set it so you dont need gp to get a review.
Sorry, this review has taken so long my life has been pretty hectic at the moment.
The plot is very good and detailed, unfortunately it is a little predictable and the foreshadowing at the start with the view out the window left the events of the story with no tension. I would have moved that part to after the reveal to avoid giving too much away. The conclusion also leaves a lot of questions which personally I enjoy but I am aware that a lot of people wouldn't. The characters seem a little hollow but without expanding the word count dramatically I can't imagine a way to explore them deeper. The male inmate's monologue felt forced I would have maybe broken it up a little or something similar.
All in all it is a very good story with a lot of potential. I am only suggesting minor changes (it may feel like I am focusing on the negatives but that is only because that is more productive) And I feel like if I had more time I would love to read more of your work. I'm giving it 4.5 stars because it is very good but I feel like it could be better with the changes I suggested or other changes that I couldn't think of.
Good luck with your future writing and I'm looking forward to what you write next.
Jordyn Young.
Okay, I'm not going to lie. You are probably not going to be happy with this review. As a concept I like the idea but you have a learning curve yet to go on your writing technique. I did start at the beginning highlighting and reviewing as I went but I didn't make it on to fish eat fish before I decided that you need to do some more self-revision on this before it gets externally reviewed. I will give you my review as i got to it.
First, the prologue. I am aware you didn't ask for this to be reviewed but the prologue is what readers judge your book on before they actually get to the story so the prologue has got to be good. The first paragraph was decent, it was a little bit detached and the sentence structure could be improved. Unfortunately, there are a few grammatical and spelling mistakes which I am sure you could pick out yourself if you read the paragraph word for word out loud to yourself.
The second paragraph is slightly worse, the idea is pretty predictable and I could have told you the rest of the prologue right from the second paragraph as it sets things up so that only one chain of events is actually possible.
The third paragraph is just the closing speech attached to the previous paragraph so my comments are spread to this paragraph as well.
The fourth paragraph is fairly decent given that it is following the second and third.
And the fifth tool is in urgent need of a rewrite, the whole paragraph is supposed to be descriptive and make you empathise with Nero (Who probably needs a new name but that's neither here nor there) and it just doesn't achieve that. It needs to me more structured and needs to describe the scene without it feeling force fed and fake. the office seems sort of plastic and the memories aren't explored in any depth.
In the next paragraph, the use of the phrase "of sorts" is too colloquial and the "friend animal" makes Nero sound like a five-year-old.
the next couple of paragraphs are fine but then when Nero composes his email the paragraph doesn't make any sense. The cabbages and Kings thing is a very niche reference that I didn't get and google struggled to explain to me.
The rest of the prologue is probably going to need rewriting but the story is fine. The train scene needs to be more descriptive.
The prologue also has grammatical and spelling errors throughout and I can't list them all in this review but it needs properly proof reading.
This is about where I stopped reviewing but I read the next section and can give overall feedback on it and unfortunately it is the same story. A lot of the sections are too intricate without being interesting and I found myself bored while reading all the facts on the equator and latitude. The thing about whole numbers is out of place and needs a rethink. There is also a bracket that says that Nero got fired which is out of sync with him quitting before he gets fired in the prologue.
Also, the prologue is referenced too often to remain a prologue.
Sorry for the comments in the review, the idea behind this story is good and some of the writing is excellent. It just doesn’t feel ready to be reviewed.
You put a gp price in your email but as this isn’t a proper review I do not expect any gp for my comment.
Good Luck.
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