Plot:Jack struggles with life after his breakup with Christina.
Emotions: This short story had all of the feels of longing and what-ifs if these two were to cross paths again. You made it easy to see him going through the motions, and when they come face to face, the situation's awkwardness and the hope of second chances were right there.
Impression: I loved this entry. You tackled the prompt well and left me longing for more! Great job.
Grammar/Spelling/Other issues:
Fantastic entry.
Followed Prompt: Word Count Range:
~~Please remember these are my opinions and are not meant to hurt, only help. Take what you can from my comments that work for you, and discard the rest!! Happy writing!!~~
PLOT -
Wow, this was great flash fiction, and your use of the prompt phrase, yep, is mortifying! Having them come from the man of her dreams while being in that sticky situation was mortifying. I loved it!
SETTING -
Great descriptions as she tried to find her way out of that pretzel-like contortion. You made it easy to picture the scene and go through the motions with your main character. Your descriptions and comparison of them to normal objects were fantastic. Grasping claws, painted toes to roots, the tomato!
CHARACTERS -
I loved this character. You should use this as a pairing and see where they go. It's quite memorable, and you could get a lot of traction out of the situation.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
I was then -- It was then
THOUGHTS -
You drew me in right away, and I loved every well-crafted line.
PLOT -
Bonnie is in an abusive marriage when the Zombie Apocolypse happens. Her husband is quick to leave her behind and save his own life.
SETTING -
It was easy to picture the scene in the dining room as the Bonnie hides beneath the table, and the zombie enters, searching for brains.
CHARACTERS -
Bonnie, hoping to get out of her marriage, even lures him back to the hotel, claiming the Zombies have gone. The abusive husband who wants to be murder Bonnie to collect an inheritence, using the acopoclypse as an excuse. Jim, Bonnie's ex, now a zombie, finds himself unable to feed from the woman he still loves.
THOUGHTS -
I enjoyed your take on Valentine's with this zombie tale. You even found a way to give it a little humor, and a happily-ever-after. Congrats on winning the contest.
PLOT -Darius and Elara are surrounded and the only way out is to fight back.
SETTING - Great job of bringing the reader right into the action. You packed a lot into this flash fiction tale of two people fighting for survival.
THOUGHTS -i love that you added humor to the ending. When the room filled with soldiers I didn't see how they'd make it out, but they are smart characters using items in reach, like the table to give them an advantage.
Rhythm/Rhyme: Your poem had a good rhythm, and I enjoyed the rhyme scheme. The word choices for the rhymes worked well to pull the reader into the topic, and I wasn't sure which sport you were talking about until the very end. Nicely done!
Summary: A poem about a winning team in India at the top of their game in Cricket. I confess I don't know much about this sport and was surprised to see the scoring of four points, which makes me curious about how the game is played and how scoring points work. Nothing a little internet sleuthing can't fix.
Critique: I liked how you used colors throughout the poem, making different sentences stand out on the page. I could almost feel the excitement from one stanza to the next, with the resounding cheers from the spectators. There is nothing quite like cheering on a country's national team, and you conveyed that well, reminding the reader of their own experiences and the national sports they enjoy watching. Is the ringing of the temple bell common after a big victory? That has me curious.
Congrats to India on the win and your poem, which showed national enthusiasm and spirit.
PLOT -
Supriya's take on her mother's constant saying of Don't be silly was fantastic. I loved how you used it in your flash fiction piece for today.
CHARACTERS -
Supriya is off on her next adventure, making sure to drive home the point to her mother that her warnings of being silly have come back full circle.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No issues
THOUGHTS -
I found this very clever and cannot believe how little the word count was. I like that she enlisted her brother in what was happening, taking the suitcase and tossing those little words back to her mother.
Rhythm/Rhyme: Great job with the rhythm and rhyme in your poem about different cards. I love that you segued to the library.
Summary: Taking the HSP merit badge and turning it into a poem about different cards was a fantastic idea. At first, I wondered where it was going, but it became clear after reading through the poem. A love of the library is where the heart goes, and the library card is indeed the prize possession.
Critique:
There was only one spot that tripped me up.
that Baseball cards could your friend.- perhaps adding the word be,
though I believe I read it with the word inserted.
Thank you for taking the HSP Challenge at "Merit Badge Magic" . I enjoyed your poem and take on the prompt!
I stumbled upon this perspective you've written today. I found it intriguing that you looked to bitter philosophers for solace, but reading itself can take you out of your headspace and move your mind in other directions when necessary. There is never anything wrong with reading!
I think it's easier to get sucked into the darker side of things, especially when life isn't going your way. Being optimistic takes work; people tend to forget that. You set out great thought-provoking questions in this short piece of writing. Sometimes, life comes down to choices, I think. Choose wisely, and things will align and work out. If not, then struggles are ahead.
You have strong writing skills, and I enjoyed the insight you shared. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself on the good and bad days.
Sensuality:
There are some missed opportunities here. The story starts with a heavy backstory to catch the reader up on Raja and Vina's dynamics. While plotting what she intended to do to grab his attention, grasping her emotional state would have pulled me further into the story. For example, if she were angry, maybe she stomped toward the door after he left for work. Or show her in the car driving and aggravated because she was so focused on seeing her spa day through.
It's told even when she has the massage, where you could've tweaked it to let the reader know that she finally can relax and let the situation's tension go.
Impression:
You have a solid couple in this story. You describe what is happening well, but the emotional pull and physical reactions stop short. Think about describing what the kiss felt like. If Raja is doing the kissing, is her skin salty? She'd been rubbed down with oils during the massage, so there must be scents and tastes that play with his senses as they come together.
Grammar/Spelling/Other issues:
That does not give him the right to torture me, -this needs quotes. Or you could take out the dialog tag and put her thoughts in italics.
The one big stand out to me was that it was barely twenty-four hours, and that seemed like a short period to go to such lengths when Vina was cut off by Raja.
Followed Prompt: 1/2 - The fireplace was missing Word Count Range:
I apologize for being so late with the review and judging the December entries. Please accept the gift points as a token of appreciation.
~~Please remember these are my opinions and are not meant to hurt, only help. Take what you can from my comments that work for you, and discard the rest!! Happy writing!!~~
Rhythm/Rhyme: Rhyme wasn't necessary in your poem, but the echoing words gave the poem a nice rhythm.
Summary: You created an echo poem, where you repeat the last syllable of each line and use it for the beginning of the next line of the poem. I don't know if eighteen lines were required for an echo poem since this is the first time I've read an echo poem. I see that pets was also used in your genres, and I was expecting a common house pet, so it was great that you used something else entirely, which gave great shock value.
The poem starts by addressing Santa; I expected it to be a cute holiday poem. I liked that you took my assumption and led the reader elsewhere.
I've lived through a house being torn up and remodeled, so I can identify with the lack of space and chaos. Kudos to anyone living through that undertaking.
There was only one spot where things threw me while reading the Christmas tale.
it is back.
Back
Back
I just wondered if you could've changed the word back so it wasn't repeated so closely again.
Personal Response Wow, I was shocked to see that hefty goal you set for yourself, knowing how intricate the Bible is, no matter which version you choose. But I know people do read it from cover to cover, so kudos to you for accomplishing that task three years in a row.
I suppose starting a new church is as challenging as starting a new business, so there I can say that the hard work you put into it can be difficult and rewarding at the same time. Nothing really tops that sense of accomplishment when you set out to do something and reach that pinnacle.
I completely agree with you that it's been a tough year; between wars, elections, the toppling of governments, and a media that seems to be no longer capable of unbiased reporting, it's a lot to digest. I suppose the only thing we really can do is pray that a better tomorrow is on the horizon, even when it doesn't look that way. We never really know what's in store for us until it happens.
Merry Christmas, Jeff, and good luck in your new endeavor. I hope that 2025 brings all good things for you and your family! ~T
Rhythm/Rhyme: Hi Carly. You have an interesting rhyme scheme for this poem about tender-heartedness, and it worked well.
Summary: Being sensitive or tenderhearted can be a tough road as you tend to feel things on a deeper level than others, and you manage to convey and capture that truth. I liked that you creatively changed up fight or flight to flight or fright regarding moments in life that illict fear and trepidation.
Critique: Highly sensitive people do learn how to cope with the added emotions, which can sometimes be crippling. Your poem touched upon the physical and emotional toll that being tender-hearted presents.
Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading your poem and gaining insights from this short piece. You have a gift for getting right to the heart of the subject matter in a few words, and your word choices make the reader stop and think about all that you are saying.
Great job making it through I Write 2024! It's been a pleasure getting to know you through your writing. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a productive 2024!
PLOT -
The Elf on the shelf becomes the horror of an entire town.
SETTING -
I always found the elf on the shelf to be creepy, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. You did a good job setting up the background for this Christmas horror tale, and it paid off as the story moved to center around Clair and her Aunt Colleen. Toward the end, using the white snow and blood coming together created a good visual of the scene.
CHARACTERS -
Colleen hates everything about the holidays and opts out of going to the tree lighting and babysits her niece, Claire, instead. I liked that Colleen didn't laugh off Claire's fear of the elf and put it in the box and out of the way so they could enjoy their evening.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
‘And where do you think you’re going? - missing quotation marks
The dialogue was believable and sounded natural.
THOUGHTS -
Nice job. It's not always easy to turn a beloved character sinister, and from the list you had to choose from, I would've written about the elf, too. Even knowing people move that elf around, I still find it creepy and I'm so glad my kids were older when it became a thing because I would not buy it.
Summary: Blanche is appalled when she sees her reflection in the mirror, almost as if she's been oblivious to the years as she got older. Now, she realizes the changes that have occurred and blames the mirror.
Critique: Great job worth the prompt.
Isn't it amazing when we disregard the subtle changes that happen over time and then suddenly we are left seeing everything with new eyes? You described this well, and I could feel that horror from Blanche as she saw herself. You captured this one moment of time and gave the reader a glimpse of these changes in her appearance and her annoyance at the mirror for showing her truth.
I can remember a day like this myself, and it is a sole horrifying when it feels like yesterday you were young and vibrant, and then suddenly you're confronted by time as age has kicked in with all its tell tale signs, like gray hair and wrinkles.
I liked that you used the quote twice, once the quote itself and then the threw the person into the poem. Blanche, blanched worked well to kick this off as the quote started the piece and it was fresh in the readers mind.
PLOT -
Samantha was starting high school and was quickly singled out by the Rosedale Roses, a group of nasty girls working hard to be the in crowd. Unfortunately for Samantha, a girl named Jill, who Samantha believes will be her friend, turns out to be a wanna-be to get into the clique if she lures Samantha to the spooking house on the island.
SETTING -
I liked the backstory of the Clayton House on the island. The descriptions were good here and with the cafeteria setting where the Roses question Samantha. That felt natural as the leader, Karen, reminded Samantha that she'd learned about her fears and tried to use them against her.
CHARACTERS -
Samantha's past fears of swimming turn out to be a blessing as she falls into the lake and finds strength to overcome that fear. Karen was just as annoying as I thought when she approached Samantha in the cafeteria. I had a feeling that Jill would also turn out to be an enemy.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
joining other clubs at this school.
That IO would
There are a few instances of Karen said, said Karen that I think you could punch up with other dialog tags that would make the story have better flow.
THOUGHTS -
When Samantha is pushed into the water, you may be able to add to that scene to show her fear before she goes in and her struggle once she's in the water. I wondered how murky the water was, if it was warm or cold, and whether her limbs felt heavy from her clothing or her shoes. These are just little things to heighten the intensity of the incident.
PLOT -
Kelly is out on her boat recording sounds when she hears of a missing child in the area and she debates whether or not she should help. I have a million questions about Kelly, and I keep trying to read the blog entry to this tale, but get interrupted, so that is something I will have to delve into.
SETTING -
You always do such a fantastic job setting the scene. Every sense is captured as you describe the wildlife and what they are doing, and bringing Kelly's surroundings to life as if I were right there with her, taking it all in from her perch on the boat.
CHARACTERS -
This is the interesting part. When the searchers showed up and asked questions about how she could possibly know about the cabin and the well, she dodged all of these questions. Even after they discovered the child in the exact location she predicted, she sidestepped their questions. That leaves the reader with a lot of questions, and the story hangs on intrigue as we want these questions answered.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
The dialogue was good and felt real. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors.
THOUGHTS -
I love a good plot that leaves me with questions, and knowing there is more to this story I'll be sure to check that out. With all of your descriptive skills this was a quick read because each sentence pulled me right to the next one and I couldn't stop reading. Great job.
PLOT -
Catalina has the twins at the family cabin, and at night, the true adventure begins.
SETTING -
I could picture all of this easily as the tale unfolded, from the children bringing their new treasures to the arrival of the pixie. I could imagine the disaster in the kitchen of the ketchup, and mayo smeared all around the floor. You did well with the descriptions of Mateo and Maya, from their excitement and fear to the evident twin connection.
CHARACTERS -
Catalina seems like a wonderful grandmother, loving the time spent with the grandkids.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
The dialogue added to the adventure and mystery of the story. It felt very natural throughout.
THOUGHTS -
This is a very cute story filled with family history. The reader sees the cabin as a familiar place for Catalina. When the Pixie enters the story, the backstory and Pixie's playfulness add a new layer. You integrated the prompt words well into your story. I was pulled in from the beginning, wondering what the children would do while Calatina busied herself cleaning the cabin. I expected trouble to follow, but you chose not to go that route and gave me an interesting alternative with the excitement of the Northern Lights, the children, and knowing that Catalina had a history at the cabin with the Pixie.
Rhyme/Rhythm/Flow:
Hi Carly. Your poem flowed well from beginning to end as if it were an unfolding story about Leonard Cohen's life.
Emotions/Imagery:
You excel with imagery. This poem showcased his life and how the written word defined him. Thinking about the notebooks from freezer to pocket to drawer says a lot and hits you right from the top, as the images of his life were like continuing on.
Impressions:
I enjoyed the contrasts of frozen and fire, creation and destruction you used to bring home these highs and lows from his life, and yet the music and words thrived. Very informative and nicely written.
Emotions/Imagery:
You showed your strong connection to this band with the poem about Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons. You gave good insight into his upbringing and life and the outlet of music he used to convey his struggles.
Impressions:
I find nothing better than connecting to lyrics that speak to you, and you did here. Dan is truly a gem in a world gone crazy. This piece taught me a lot about the band and its lead singer. Nicely done!
Rhyme/Rhythm/Flow:
Your Eulogy for John Lennon moved well and had good flow except for when you used bull-headed. I would've gone for the foul language.
Emotions/Imagery:
I liked that you brought up the speculation involving him walking away from The Beetles. You covered a good span from his beginning to untimely end. I remember when the new broke, and the world was indeed bereft.
Impressions:
I liked your eulogy. It is a nice tribute to one who was taken too soon.
Summary: A contest entry where you had to create a poem using the four chosen words. You even managed to use them in the order they were presented in the prompt. The first two lines come from a well-known proverb: just tweaking bird for chicken, which totally worked.
Critique: I wondered how you would get the word airport in there when I started reading, and you didn't disappoint. I laughed when I read the last line and it fit the piece. You definitely cannot compare a diamond's value to that of a chicken. You did a solid job on working the words in a clever way. It was an enjoyable read and totally unexpected.
PLOT -
When Lanie spots the Pooh sweater, she's drawn to it, despite her mother's reservations. Little did they know, this sweater would become a silent witness to their journey, from a first college date to the hospital and through chemo treatments, carrying the weight of their emotions.
CHARACTERS -
I loved the relationship between Lannie and her mother. Your characters were very authentic.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
I didn't notice any errors.
The fantastic dialog helped create good imagery in my mind as Lanie and her mother discussed the sweater.
THOUGHTS -
I had to see which DF story beat my 80s one
This was a great little flash story. It had good emotion, and highlighting the relationship of this mother-daughter pair worked really well. Congratulations on your well-deserved entry.
PLOT -
Jace, his girlfriend, and another couple decide to check out a mysterious house with a door hanging off its hinges. They are all surprised when they step inside to see the immaculate interior.
SETTING -
Great descriptions as Jace looks around the house and notices the newer curtains, a fireplace, and beautiful flooring. You made it easy to picture his surroundings. And then the scenery started fading away like sand slipping through an hourglass. I could see the mad dash to put things back the way they once were, in a fury of activity as one moment is disturbed by another and must be put back the way it originally was.
THOUGHTS -
This worked well. I liked the introduction of the little men working as quickly as they could to reproduce these moments in time. It brings to mind parallel realms and all the possibilities that go with them. You had a nice twist at the end as the reader goes through this journey with Jace, believing that his friends are frozen at that moment in time, yet he discovers that he is stuck and separated.
I wondered if you were hiking and stumbled upon an abandoned mansion, and the four of you decided to explore it. If so, great job turning this into an exciting tale. And if you did explore an abandoned mansion, I would like to know what secrets you did uncover there.
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