That was funny! a bit of a different twist on the usual. This time the animals learn to speak human- I liked it! I did see a couple of misspellings: defences [defenses] pyjamas [pajamas] relise [realize]. Very cute story though!
My, you are a very talented writer! I hope you find the following suggestions helpful. You know, after reading this -the third time, I had a thought...this would make a great 'spinoff' to the Peter Pan stories! You should see what you can come up with. I loved this!
Yawning she [comma after Yawning]
arms as cushions letting her gaze wandered around [comma after cushions]
{{this is a good line)) [wander]
Long and dark [?maybe change "and" to a comma]
couldn‘t--or wouldn’t [just one dash'l do ya!]
climbed down the steps, ["steps"..of the deck ((to clarify))]
wincing where a soft [wincing 'as']
Let me know if you do!
lisa
YOU HAVE BEEN RAIDED BY...
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WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE AN ANGEL TOO?
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The Angel Guide/F.A.Q (ASR) A webpage to answer any questions you might have as well as links to important sections. #1188366 by iKïyå§ama
You are a very good writer! What some people might call 'dry' humor; I however, call it 'worn out mom' (or grandma) humor. This comes across well in your writing and it is very funny! You have a "not-quite-erma-bombeck' style of writing.
This piece is very good, but does seem 'unfinished'- so there you go: a very good "hook" for the beginning of a short story?? There were unanswered questions, such as: What is the "Crackerbox Factory"? Why did the mom move out? Is "mom" the "daughter-in-law" that helped find a remote?
I would like to see this in short story form- let me know if you take it in that direction...
Good luck to you! purple lady
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Hilarious! You are a wonderful writer, and very versatile; I've read a few of your other pieces. This was so real and so funny. My mind took so many twists and turns on what the guy on the other end of the line might be doing all that time. What if he was doing the same thing to you...just hilarious!!
Thanks for the laugh! -purple lady
Oh, that's so sad... like a country song! The poem itself I would rate a 5, but there are some spelling and grammer errors in there; they kept interrupting the flow/mood of the poem.(sorry) I would be glad to assist you with the corrections if you'd like, (she humbly offered, after criticizing his work) :)
Keep writing!! purple lady ^0^ )
You know, when I started reading this, more than once I almost didn't continue- I'm glad that I did.
This was a wonderfully insightful and funny "man's point of view". I must say that you seem to try a little 'too hard' with your writing, it's a bit immature. Relax and use simpler words -just let it flow -you've got the storytelling 'down pat'!
So many adjectives- and good ones! This is a lovely piece of work that I believe would make a great training tool for any writing class! It might also be a great opening for a story that needs a very descriptive setting, however- you might want to spread all of those adjectives out a bit, by inserting more 'storyline'.
^0^ )
Wow! That is a wonderfully written poem - so spiritual. I read it several times, each time a different part 'reached out' to me. I am new to writing.com and I have read several poems, but this one is the best by far! love it! ...can't wait to read more of your work.
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