Yo Dawn!
For someone who states at the beginning that this chapter is first draft and pretty rough, it’s a very tight chapter. Me thinks you lie, my girl. I shall apologise in advance, for I think this will be a short-ish review, due to my not having much to point out...
General Story Stuff
I liked the first paragraph a lot. There’s an instant impression of not only her appearance, but also her work and role, and her surroundings too. Well done, good start. Oh, but one thing:
”It was far too big for her tiny frame, but at least it was not stained and falling to pieces like her work gown.”
From what you say just in that first paragraph, I get the feeling she’s a servant girl or some such. I don’t think a servant girl would refer to her work attire as a ‘gown’ as this tends to hint at a pretty dress or somethin’. Maybe change the word to something slightly drabber in it’s description.
It did strike me as slightly strange that the owners of the inn would look after the child that killed their daughter, spawned by a random one-night stand. But I suppose, if you need free labour...
When Misty first uses her ‘little talent’, I think you should make a lot more of it. From what you’ve written so far, it seems something like a Jedi mind trick, but with a bit of a headache. You simply tell us that she concentrates a bit, and a headache builds, and then she’s pretty much invisible. Then when she gets outside she retches. I think it would have much more of an effect if you made more not only of her having to concentrate to build the magic and get the effect, but also of how if hurts her, and causes her to feel. Stabbing pain behind the eyes, a terrible ringing in her ears, general things that are painful lol.
And in the first paragraph of the next scene the reader gets a wonderful feeling of the mass of people, and the business of the town. You describe and capture the feel of the hustle and bustle of a busy market type town very well. Good job.
I also like the way you talk about the guild auctions, and what happens if you don’t get bid on. Personally, I think the Night Guild sounds like much more fun...
“Kris' mother was head cook there and had asked the guild bidder to purchase Mistral for a place in the scullery.”
Hmm, a strange place to finally let us know Misty’s full name. I think it would be slightly better to have that introduced earlier, and from then on refer to her as Misty.
“"Hold please, my good men and women! I was just running a tad late; the war, you know. It does cause such inconvenient delays in one's plans." He waved his hand and the gates slammed shut behind him, sending the guards staggering off balance.”
I like this dude already. A great bit of dialogue to introduce him with; very nice sense of humour. Plus, his power is very obvious from the get go, and sets him up nicely for future displays of said power. Buuut, the gates seem to be huge heavy things, and they wouldn’t just slam shut with a wave of his hand. They’d shudder first, or be wrenched away from the guards, or make a protesting noise as they closed, something like that. It just reads a little under-done, the way it is at the moment.
“"This should cover the cost of the girl. Barbaric really, this custom of selling children, but when in Roscetta, one must, I suppose, do as the Roscettans do."”
And this further solidified my liking for the new Archmage. You’ve written him very well. I hope we see lots of him, and that he keeps in his great character all the way through.
“"Perhaps you need a little encouragement? Release her NOW."”
Now, I have the image of the Archmage being quite a cool, calm guy in my head, so I don’t think he’d shout to make a point. (I assume it was shouting cos it was caps rather than italics.) I’d have him change the inflection of his voice; much more subtle, and far more menacing than a simple shout.
Mechanics, Structure, Inconsistencies etc
”At the sound of the cock crowing in the inn courtyard below, Misty sat [up] with a start.”
Well, I’m not sure if you can sit any other way apart from up or down, and since we immediately get the impression she’s in bed in the early morning (well done on that by the way), she ain’t gonna be sitting down... I’d take out the ‘up’, just cos it makes it seem a little more sudden, in my head anyway.
”At the sound of the cock crowing in the inn courtyard below, Misty sat with a start.”
“She walked carefully past him and out the door to freedom.”
Now see, I don’t have anything against –ly words like some of our fellow LL&Lers, but in this instance perhaps phrase it differently. There are lots of ways one can walk carefully, but only very few applicable in this instance. Did she tiptoe to stay silent, or sneak against the wall around Jack? You get the gist...
“This was it[;] no turning back now.”
A comma would have been fine. *shrug*
”This was it, no turning back now.”
When Drusilla first appears, you use the word sharp or sharply to describe her several times in quick succession. Now, unless this woman is very pointy, perhaps pick a different word for one of the instances.
“She was still smiling broadly as Gorlick, the Night Guild bidder paced down the line, and stopped before her.”
Rather strange placement of commas in this sentence, I feel. I read it, then read it out loud, and it still sounded funny. Maybe change thusly:
”She was still smiling broadly as Gorlick, the Night Guild bidder, paced down the line and stopped before her.”
“At noon, the guards began pushing the great gates closed so bidding could commence. Suddenly, they froze solid and would not move an inch.”
What froze solid, the guards, or the gates? Make that clear, or I’ll feel bad for the poor guards...
“He smiled [lazily] at his peers and began meandering down the line.”
Two things. One, they’re not his peers, cos you’ve written it as if mages are a much better class of people than every one else, and highly revered. Secondly, lazily didn’t work for me in this sentence. Have him smile with a sigh perhaps, which would get across the same effect just as well.
“He turned to Gorlick and smiled lazily.”
He just doesn’t put any effort into his smiles at all, does he? That’s the second time you’ve had him smile lazily, and I feel it should be changed for at least one of the times, and for the same reason as above...
“So quickly that she almost thought she had imagined it, the dangerous spark in his eyes was gone, [lazily hooded].”
Whaaa? Perhaps I’m just being dumb, but I didn’t get what you meant by lazily hooded at all. Oh, and also, the first bit reads a bit wordy. Rewrite something like this:
”So quickly, she almost thought it imagined, the dangerous spark in his eyes was gone, lazily hooded.”
Thassit, I’m done. All in all, a very very good first chapter; I really liked it. You started the story off perfectly, and managed to get a lot of information in without lots of wordiness and exposition. You write characters very well, and I got a real sense of how Misty was feeling throughout. And the Argemage rocks!
Well done.
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