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Review of Original Sin  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Let me compliment you on the your language which is smooth as silk. It must have taken enormous effort and that shows through. The story hooks you right away, and I read it at at a furious pace, hurrying to reach the end. Somehow you hit upon every male fantasy - a week at some exotic beach resort with all expenses paid. To add to it, there is the hint of romance because you tease the reader with images of a seductive wealthy patroness.

The end is a bit abrupt, but that is nitpicking. I enjoyed the story. It was after a long time that I read anything here (life gets in the way, you know!) and it was worth every second of my time.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story definitely hooked me in right from the first word. Your lucid writing style added to the pleasure of the read. You do use a lot of passive verbs, but I have always maintained that if the plot is right and the grammar correct, it doesn't really matter. You do get a lot of advice on this site to avoid using "was," but I do not subscribe to that view.

Your story contains enough suspense and horror elements and should go down well with lovers of these genres. If you do not have the constraints of words, you should dwell a bit more on the panic elements and how the protagonist is chilled to the bone. Some elementary references to why the grandmother's spirits chose to visit him would help matters. You do not have to offer lengthy explanations. Simply drop a couple of hints and leave the rest to the reader's imagination.

You deserve credit for the chilling portrayal of the spirit. How the main lead realizes that it is his grandmother - the silhouette, the bending of the hand at the back and the blackness in the backdrop of the dark- certainly deserves kudos.

Unfortunately, your story falters at a crucial point. The absence of any logical explanation. Writers of the horror genre often do that. They create a gory outcome and leave the reader shortchanged with the lack of purpose. Add that, and your story would rise a few notches.

On interesting aspect is that the reader doesn't know the sex of the protagonist. I have used the masculine gender in general terms only. If you make her a female, the story would work even better. Maybe that's my personal fetish, but I always enjoy horror stories with female leads.

I would rate your story a 3.5 or 4. On the forum, I rate all stories 5 so that the writer could attract some more readers.

All the best with your writing.
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Review of New Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I, Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon, review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " Open in new Window. [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

*FlowerR* The title:

The title does suggest the contents, but may not necessarily hook the reader.

*LeafR* Brief description:

A woman moves into a new home and makes a startling discovery.

*Ornament2R* The characters:

Good job done on all the characters in the story. The best was the way you feed us details of Sophie's past life. The teacher's character is also well-developed. I could feel all her apprehensions. Even the cat assumed a characteristic of its own.


*GiftB* Kudos and Applause:

I enjoyed the detailed description of the house and the 'moving in' process. House shifting is a painful task, and you do well in bringing out the nuances and intricacies starting with the unpacked boxes.

You use good creativity in giving an unexpected twist to the story. Scenes from holocaust movies floated before my eyes as I read about Sophie and Otto.


*Paste* I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The previous owner of the house is not yet dead. She has moved to a nursing home. Unless, it is some major ailment, one would expect that the realtor would contact her first and not the niece to mention about the diary.

If I were in Shirley's place, I would probably try to get in touch with Sophie. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship.

*Cut*Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

I had not noticed before but the curtains appeared to be homemade. I had not noticed before[,] but the curtains appeared to be homemade.

Finally I had my bedroom to set up. Finally[,] I had my bedroom to set up.

I did not want the top part, which was glass to fall off, so I turned it around to see what was loose. I did not want the top part, which was glass[,] to fall off, so I turned it around to see what was loose.

*BalloonR* Overall Impression:

A story of moving into a new house. The end is highly unexpected and moving.

*Pencil*Rating parameters


Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.5/5


Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

*RainbowL**Heart**Rainbowr*Never argue with a reader. She is always right.*RainbowL**Heart**Rainbowr*


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

This is a cute fairy tale that would appeal to all ages. It is simple to understand and easy to follow. I do not know whether it is necessary to create so many characters in the story. You have - Winnie,Christopher, Owl, Rabbit,Gopher, Tigger, Piglet, Eeorye, Kanga etc You should stick with or 3 characters only making it possible to understand a bit more about the characters.

I appreciated your clarification at the beginning on the spellings.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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Review of Mommy, I'm Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

You hook the reader from the word go. This was an enjoyable read with a lot of suspense which made me want to read this fast so I could quickly reach the outcome. You bring a sinister twist to the price Molly has to pay for her freedom.

The descriptions you use for Molly - cold and stinking - give this whole read a macabre feel.

Good job on the whole.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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Review of Circles Of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have always found it difficult to write or understand poetry, but am happy that I still haven't given up. That is why I chanced upon this lovely little piece of romantic exposition.
Thank you for making this so simple to understand and for taking the extra effort to make the lines rhyme. The emotions that you have packed into this short work are immense.
Forty-one years of togetherness! Nothing can be sweeter. I bow my head before your husband and you and wish you many more happy anniversaries to come.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

This is a very smooth read. The language is elegant; the sentence construction exemplary. That is about the technical aspects of the writing.

Now, coming to the contents, you manage to impact the reader's mind with conflicting emotions in a very short space of time. First there is despondency which gives to hope which again ends in a heartbreak. Sad indeed. I also liked your comment on the "I." It caught my attention.

My only issue with this story is not being able to know what causes the separation second time around.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

This is an amusing piece with erotic elements. The description of the alien character was fairly detailed and arousing though how she materialized in his bathroom remains a mystery. Yes, you do allude to it yourself but that doesn't absolve you form the responsibility of spelling out the details.

I would have loved you to use the tail in the sexual act in some way. That would have made the experience very different. Otherwise, Mita could have been very nuch a human being.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have written a useful article which gives many tips on the the commercial benefits that can be accrued from the internet while sitting at home. I have an issue with your title because it indicates a vast scope. For example, there are other ways to sit at home and earn - tuition classes or home delivery of cooked food etc. You should probably title your essay "Working from Home through the Internet."

You can also be make this article useful by giving ideas on how one could get trained for the various work options that you have mentioned.

On the whole, an useful and informative article.










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Review of The Touch of God  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I fully endorse your views. There is a lot of power in prayer. To the believer, prayer is a means to unburden one's soul and ask for deliverance from sin.

There is one error in your work if I may. In the firth para it should be "alloted" and not "allot."

On the whole an excellent feel good poem written with a lot of sincerity.











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Review of Blood  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a dark piece. Even though short, it evokes macabre thoughts. I wish you would have elaborated a bit. There are too many loose ends. First of all, who are the "they" in the second line.

Also, what is the relationship of the dead person with the person who sits on his( or her) blood?

Last two sentences are excellent. Ghastly and scary. Proves your talent.










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Review of Odyssey of Faith  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a small work pregnant with intense emotions. The romance and understanding between the couple came through like a breath of fresh air. The small suspense at the end about the condition was an intelligent twist which had me gripped right till the end. Thanks for this wonderful read.


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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Extremely well written and am happy that I chanced about this short item. The woman's feelings are well portrayed. I liked the way she builds up the whole thing - the way she seduces him - dressing up, turning the shower, making the bed. Loved the end. I must admit that for a moment you had me tensed. Won't she, I kept on asking till the climax comes.

Thanks for a wonderful read. You do have talent.


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Review of Molly  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your story has a lot of detailed descriptions. I have a thing for 'descriptions' no matter what they say about the passive voice. There is also a nice philosophy at the end. We frequently end up judging others without acknowledging our own imperfections.
I enjoyed the second para the most because you describe a pretty girl which is always a joyous thing to behold.
The problem in this story is that there are too many characters which makes it difficult to follow who says what. The message at the end also gets diluted a bit.


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Review of My little boy  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Motherly affection is replete in this work. I like the way you describe the similarity between the mother and her boy's eyes.

Motherhood is a wonderful emotion. Your poem is a tribute to it. It certainly brought a smile to my eyes and also tears because one day the child will grow up and go away to his own world.

Thanks for evoking some sweet feelings.

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Review of Empty Window  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a scary and a haunting read. You really had me worried. I was half expecting that that figure would be some baleful ghost. The end took me completely by surprise.

Let me admit that this work read like my own biography. Life is hollow, and we all have ghosts hidden in us. Thanks for reminding.


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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Reading this, it is easy to understand why your article enjoys a five star rating. There are so many things that I enjoyed reading in this piece, and so many new things I learnt. The best part for me was each holding halves of a whole.

I am not much into Domination stories, but this article surely had me hungry for more.

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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Sexual indulgence in a public forum is considered by many to be a turn on. It works well for your chief protagonists as well. Though, one wonders how did they get the opportunity to indulge in the entire act without being discovered.

The erotic elements are titillating. The scene is bold and adventurous. A good read on the whole but could have been much better.

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Review of Loss Of A Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)


I was touched by this autobiographical piece. You deserve much better.The frustration of not being able to live or own the dream house that you and your husband have worked so far made for some sad reading.

I was a bit puzzled by the abundance of punctuation and spelling errors in your work. Would request you to edit your piece.


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Review of My Seeds of Joy  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your poem evokes warm thoughts of love and brotherhood. It is an Utopian world that you write of, something that we all cherish, but would certainly never see. Some of the hyperbole's that you use - ocean full of tears and skating on a blade as thin as ice - work effectively.

My favorite part is where you talk about creating a beautiful world together.

You should seriously make an effort to try and make your sentences rhyme. That would enhance the pleasure of the read manifold.

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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

You have written this poem with a lot of feeling. The various nuances of falling in love are brought out well. The reasons of the separation aren't revealed, but one can't but feel sad at the unfortunate occurrence. The simple confession at the end, bereft of all egos and ill will, leaves one with the hope that the two lovers might yet get reconciled.

A poignant and emotional read on the whole.

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Review of More Than Lust  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

You are certainly blessed with the gift of weaving a web of complex emotions with so few words. The emotions that your poem evokes are both powerful and passionate. I loved the way you describe the holding and comforting. True, there is no lust in your work, but there is a lot of romance and longing.


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Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Definitely, an interesting and innovative tale. I liked the way the writer discovers the kink in the fox's tail and concludes that it is the same animal that was bothering her chickens. The artistic transformation of a carcass into a work of art was a smart twist. However, you leave certain mysteries unresolved. One is how was the fox killed. The second is how do you expect the dead bodies to not start decaying?











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Review of Our Wedding  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a cute poem of unabashed love and admiration that culminates into marriage. One cannot but feel happy for the writer who has been able to marry the man she loves so much. I really appreciate the extra effort that you put to make your lines rhyme.That itself makes your work worth the read.


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Review of Beautiful Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Prof Moriarty Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

This is a nice, simple creation where you tell about the wonders of life. The reference to actions and deeds is pertinent. Your conclusion in the end is a nice, philosophical twist. It shows the effort you have put in to bring more meaning to your work because I would have read this word a million times without even realizing what it contained. Good effort!










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