The sole purpose of my review is not to demoralize you but to give you an insight from a third person's point of view . Also feel free to review "THE PAYBACK" from my portfolio.
Theme: Now, i am not sure whether the poem is a manifestation of Lord Budha's "Enlightenment" or something more personal, but the theme of the poem is very unique.Something that not many would take up as a subject matter.Kudos for that.
Content: I feel a kind of detachment from the treatment. The content could have been treated with more details. I mean when people go for salvation, whether eternal or external, its the journey that matters. After the initial bouts of discomfort in a condition far removed from normal existence,what did the person in question "feel". The "light" bathes you at a later stage. First a kind of calm sets in. Your entire existence comes to flash. Then nothing matters. Your mistakes don't make sense neither do your triumphs. "clover" usually signifies luxury which i think is not what can be sensed at this point.
Words: i loved your choice of words.Gave the poem an ethereal and earthly feel at the same time.
Structure: the sentences could have been broken to catch a rhythm. For e.g:
One morning I woke up
With an unflinching determination,
To conquer all my senses
Was my resolution.
So I prepared myself
For the day ahead,
And promised not to have
A pinch of bread.
The phrase "a pinch of bread" which i guess is the literal translation of "anya ka ek dana" in hindi is incorrect. Could have tried "a pound of bread"-just a suggestion.
Also: "I could not feel my senses and then I realized I was with His"- this is quite vague. The ultimate purpose of salvation is to remove your baser senses. Highlighting that was unnecessary. Instead you could have told "how" they were removed. And"then I realized I was with His" does it mean you were in God's sense? That cant be true. Because God is the vessel where we submit our senses. if he had some of his own that defies the purpose of absolution.
Now that's my opinion. Please do not be dishearten.
Girl,
you made it! This is coming up good. Just how it is going to end I imagine. I mean what big purpose are all of the characters about to achieve. is there a love story? or a betrayal? or maybe a misunderstanding. the suspense is killing. But whatever it is keep writing.It kind of ended abruptly,dont you think ?
Dear Cassandra,
I was reviewing on a reviewing splurge and I am ashamed to say it was the auto reward that caught my eye first. But as i read through i understood it was a goldmine. Such clarity of thought. Wonderful vision. With the right amount of sarcasm and pain every teenager goes through. Whom am i kidding, everyone goes through. All those questions around and people judging you for everything.But above all no clue why would someone not answer your doubts. A thoroughly amazing start. And i am curious how the story would unfold.
Thanks and Love
Pri
Dear Writer,
Lets talk about the technique first. I loved the Victorian concept and your details about surroundings. Paints a clear picture of what you are trying to tell. The dialogues need to be a little crisp to get that attention from the readers. The facts were biography based and cannot be altered. But there were a few repetition of words that somehow make the development of the story a little less enthusiastic.Now my emotional response. The story of a sensitive woman too protected by her parents, dying to live an independent life but too scared to disappoint, is indeed very touching. Her plight to live like her fellow neighbor and get recognized, her desperation and finally her death was thought provoking.
An overall good job.
Hi Friend,
I was reading this with a nod and a smile...yes relationships require methods of survival unknown to most psychologists in the world...though the basic principle is the same,we are all crosses and noughts, yet every story is unique...but I am so happy i found your poem...
Dear Spruce, I am not much of a science fiction fan...but I was thoroughly delighted to read through your work. Beautifully conceived,lucid thought process and the best part is...it is both a complete story and can be used as a part of a bigger plot. Bravo!
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