A story about how a little humility and cunning can go along way.

- This should be a long way, easy mistake to make!


It led to the servant’s and caretaker’s wing

- I actually may be wrong on this, but I really feel that this should be servants' and cartakers' wing


Chandeliers with candles made a dazzling display on clear crystal surfaces as it hanged high from the vaulted ceilings

- I believe the word hung high would be better used here, again just my opinion.


It was Lord Braum siting on his throne surrounded by the royal court members.

- OOPS! Forgot the extra 't' in sitting. Again, easy mistake to overlook while writing!


“The location of the tunnel is lost an obscure; written in one of the archives among noblemen’s library. None knows its location,” he said.

- I think you meant, lost and obscure? Also, None know this, you didn't need the 's'.


Something were bashing into it on the other side.

- Something was bashing...


He waited until a soldier come near

- And this should be came near

Hey there, as mentioned in a previous email, you were selected to receive some reviews as a long overdue prize from an auction in the past. You were chosen by A Christmas Carol St.Ann - who I have had the pleasure of reviewing as well - as the newbie to be reviewed. Big fan of alot of her works now.

I don't know how to approach this review. I don't want it to be a technical review because you obviously wrote it without a lot of technical/grammatical focus in the first place. Many people will point out the use of 'helluva' and similar words as a downfall... which I suppose in published writing could lose respect... but I much prefer to hear a writer's story told the way they would speak, rather than dressed up. It seems far more real.

Whether or not the anger and resentment towards your mother and father and religion in general is true is not my business. What is my business as a reader and reviewer is to point out how real it seemed, or didn't. I believe every emotion in this story is true from within you.

I loved the humor in the anger while writing as well. By far my favorite comedic line was this :

We did non-Jesus things for a very Jesus-like amount of time.

Seriously, that was literary brilliance!! It dances on edginess while being sarcastically playful enough to find the compassion within you.

Alluding to the "Inner Patrick" was also something I could relate to. I try to find different ways to personify the inner self dialog without directly mentioning it like this, but it does make for a good branch to go off on if you wanted to. It gives the reader a more personal connection to the character, and if done correctly, to the writer as well.

The religious rage bled on these pages - for a few different reasons which you've pointed out - was a great build to be dropped off at the end leaving the reader curious. I didn't know if I was still angry, or if I was settled that there may be some relief. Cliffhanging the emotion is great.

Another big up I've got for you was the use of biblical/christian colloquialisms as often as possible. Added to the humor, and I'm sure to the rage of Christian's who may get offended by this. No matter the case, humor and rage both stir emotion, so you've hit the goldmine on this one. I don't think there is any quicker way to stir ego, pride, resentment, bitterness, drama, rage, anger, - and their opposites - than to touch on such a personal topic as belief. Kudos on that in all of its forms within your writing.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed the journey into your ink, and quite possibly into your life as well.

J. Lee

Wowsers!!

This is so simple and common an idea, but it never fails to intrigue me to think about or speak about.

I discuss this quite regularly with some of my artistic friends. Whether it be writing, music, graphical arts, or any type of art you can think of, these words hold true through all of them.

I've not put a whole lot of thought into trying different styles, though when I have attempted to organize a story before starting, I find I lose the story altogether in the intense OCD style outline I create before writing a single word. This being said, some of my favorite ideas have been bred and developed out of an outline which showed me something from a completely different perspective or standpoint.

The story of how you met, and moreso how close you were physically, emotionally - and for those who choose to believe, spiritually - is pretty amazing. The chance encounters like that, or maybe better put the chance coincidences like that, are some things that make me tick.

I don't know if I could name 86... or 87... different things that make me tick, but perhaps not knowing would be number 1

So, in the end, I was pretty sure I knew what to expect before reading this piece, but was pleasantly surprised by the few dashes of spice and flavor to make it your own personal dish.

Looking forward to getting a taste of the next creation!!

Take care

J. Lee

The first thing I've noticed about any of your pieces so far, including this one, is that you write the way you talk. At least I assume you write the way you talk! I do this often as well, and actually find it hard not to do! It gives me an inside look as well into another part of you. And if this is not written the way you talk, then you do a perfect job making me think you do!

When I saw him, I forgot my problems. Our eyes met, and for some strange reason, I was drawn to him. I grabbed a vault, and a bag of cheetos, and walked over to the check out line that he was in, because I wanted to see him up close. I reached the line he was standing in, all too quickly.

"Hey. My name's David." he stated, even though he was wearing a name tag.

" Hey. I'm Lisa." And then my groceries were bagged and our time cut short. I was walking toward the doors, feeling a little dizzy from the encounter, when he called out

"Lisa!" I spun around and looked back at him; deep brown eyes, and short, curly brown hair.

" Yeah? " He handed me a folded up piece of paper. "Text me sometime?".

I stuttered, a little nervous,over my own words, as I said "Definetely".

I felt like I actually visually saw this take place. I know there is very little visual detail, but I was an outside observer seeing this happen. Perhaps another shopper who was next in line.

I like the way this turned out. I happen to be a sucker for happiness with a predisposition to write about sadness and hurt haha

“Lisa?” I heard my mom question from the living room. “Is that you?”

“Yeah mom, who else would be in our locked apartment?”

“ I was just making sure, you never know anymore.”

“Sure mom.”

“Will you make me some pancakes, sausage and eggs Lisa?”she asks, pretending that nothing happened yesterday.

“Sure mom. And then I suppose I’ll wash the dishes you used last night, too, huh?”

“Oh thank you Lisa. I’m going to go to the store, do you need anything?”

“ I don’t know, maybe some nonfat milk?”

“Okay, be back in a bit.” I hear the door shut behind her, and its only seconds afterward that I hear her loud Camero starting and squealing out of the apartment plaza. “Alone at last” I sigh to myself.

I begin to cook. I start the sausages first, while I mix up some pancake batter. Adding the egg and self rising flour with milk, I sigh in delight. I love to cook. I pour some of the batter into a pan greased with olive oil, and flip the sausages. Then I scramble the eggs. I finished cooking everything within 15 minutes, and breakfast was beautiful. I put the food on the table, wrote a note to my mom, grabbed my car keys, and cell phone, and left. I looked down at my phone before I got into my car, when suddenly I remembered I never called David!! I dialed the number, and swallowed hard as I heard it ring. Once, twice, three times..

I love, love, love this part. I don't know if it's got a bit of a British ring to its humor, but it definitely had me giggling. The use of sarcasm being missed is one of my more preferred types of comedy, and you've done it perfectly here! I even stopped the story so I could read it to my mom as I'm just hanging out at their place right now!

1."these thing I cant forget" -- quick oopsie, forgot the 's'!

2. Proper nouns should use capitals. I struggled for a bit with 'I grabbed a vault', first off because I've never heard of it outside of a bank vault, and secondly because I was silly and didn't keep going the extra 4 words to 'cheetos' The reason I keep picking these out is maybe because this is one of the steps I needed to take to start to hone my craft (not that mine is amazing, but it's helped me stay happier about the things I do write).

3. "My mom gives me a dirty look, when I walk past her." -- don't know if I would use the comma here

I must say I am looking forward to seeing how dinner turns out, so you've hooked my attention there. As far as the technical stuff, cleaning that up will drastically improve your ability to keep readers drawn into the piece rather that the pieces, if you know what I'm saying?

I am glad I got the chance to read this. It had multiple different angles to keep me interested, namely the humor and love story that I've touched on, as well as a curiosity brewing readiness for the next chapter.

Well done!