Hey there, JJ!

Let's see how this chapter ends.

Bill and Enoch had revealed their extraordinary plan to get Merci on the Island,
Ha! The old trick to let us know they talked about it but we'll have to wait to see what's it all about!

the pace of this strange encounter felt a lot like a Doberman nipping at her heals.
This reminds me of the minders. No mention about them? Did they follow at some distance? Were they closer, like trying to eavesdrop on them? Were they on edge? They must be--you suggested it--now their new POI meets with Bill and Enoch again, and they cannot tell what they talked about.
It also reminds me of the dig. Didn't Merci have to show up to work? Did she quit already? Did she call in sick?

a windowless building
Why they never have windows?

Now playing—Artful Annie and her athletic pussy.
+

unmistakable scent, the odor of human sexual arousal.
I think this comma should be either a dash or colon.

she snagged a bobbled orb
Gross. I don't think any woman would touch something coming out of another woman--unless she's into women, of course. Else, the very thought is disgusting. Wonder how much illegal stuff you'd have to ingest to grab with full hands something coming out of another man's ass.

Enoch agreed'' and profitable."
Tiny typo with the quotation mark.

made me hungry." Didn't I hear Bill promise
That quotation mark shouldn't be there.

a few Whiskeys in me,
why capitalize it?

its 11:00 already
It's eleven already

Merci's smiled with heartfelt gratitude
No need of the 's.

laughed out-loud
Typo: no need of that dash.

been waiting for your call. He moved closer to the screen. Looks a
Here you need to close and open again the quotation marks:
been waiting for your call." He moved closer to the screen. "Looks a


The hyphens
the gaslight illuminated streets ---> gaslight-illuminated
her ridiculously accommodating love canal ---> ridiculously-accommodating
labial launched torpedoes ---> labial-launched
an anything goes summer ---> anything-goes
Bill's custom made Tequila Sunrises ---> custum-made
noch had smooth talked him ---> smooth-talked
Lemon scented pledge permeated ---> lemon-scented
a twelve by fifteen foot living space. ---> twelve-by-fifteen-foot


the commas
is in your hands boys ---> hands, boys
back stairwell blowing kisses ---> stairwell, blowing
on the stage don't you think? ---> stage, don't
More than that lass ---> that, lass
That I did lass ---> did, lass
buoys in those days you know ---> days, you
this way my dear ---> way, my
big day tomorrow lass ---> tomorrow, lass
your disposal my dear! ---> disposal, my
Thanks Bill. ---> thanks, Bill
Curious she thought. ---> curious, she
the last several days she mused. ---> days, she


Overall Thoughts

Hum. Okay. This second half of the chapter surprised me, because after all the Big Things they discuss on the first half, all of a sudden I found myself following a bender night that does not add anything important to move the plot forward--and at what seems like such a sensitive, pivotal moment.

Like the first part of Allen's chapter, this is two completely different chapters in one. The difference is that Allen's first half is great, full of suspense, and gives a clear portray of Allen's deathly-efficient killer side, and the second half shows his regular everyday life as a "proper citizen" + the team picking him up. So it's getting to know a very interesting new character to then see him fit as another cog in the plot.

While here, you throw all the meat to the grill on the first half, and then the rest of it is a sometimes gross account of a night out at a place girls don't usually visit. The effect is blurrying the unexpected conversation they have at the boat in the morning. Once more, it's about timing. The account could be funny and interesting at the first half of the novel. But at this point, when Merci just agreed--even too quick and easy--to go along with Enoch's plan, it feels like there's no more room for joking around. It's time for things to get Serious, with capital S. Especially because the second half doesn't add anything to the plot itself or to characterization--well, save Annie's, who's the real star of this part. I mean, the description of the place and Annie's performance has the same space--or more--than Enoch's explanations.

So if you ask me, my friend, I'd tell you to sharpen your axe, breathe deep, and do some chopping here around. All of Annie's part and the description of the place is a funny, colorful tale, but nothing more.

A big absence here is the minders. There's not a single mention about them over this second half. Not even when Merci goes out to pee on deck. If they're supposed to watch two guys in possession of world-changing secrets, man, they suck at it. You could deal with Puttin about launching a nuclear war under their noses and they wouldn't notice, because they're just not there.

But you do mention Enoch talking to the colonel. When does this happen? How? Does Enoch call a minder and ask him for his phone to talk about it with the big boss? About this, I'm not sure at this point you should disclose anything at all about their plan to bring Merci to the island. You say they talk about the plan and leave it there, and it's fine.

Another big question mark is Merci's dig. How come she shows up to work the first day and then she just goes MIA. I mean, with the detail level you have to describe the Asteroid Belt, it's to be expected that you'd at least mention that she skipped going to the dig and/or how/what she did--Did she called her stalking boss, or the girl she met? Did she just make up her mind to drop it at Enoch's surprising request? Does any of this get to Rho?

Okay, I think I gave you enough to consider about this. Time to let you fill your glass and sit to stare into the fire, wondering how you can send me to hell gently-or if you should just drop the "gently" part and be done with.

I'll be waiting for your thoughts on this!

Read you around!

Hey there, JJ!

First of all, thanks again for the badge. It was so, so sweet of you!

I couldn't come around over the weekend. So here I am, trying to make ammends, to get started with this new chapter.

accompanied by intermittent farts.
Dude, seriously. She's supposed to be the leading lady. So not appealing, her farting!

Merci dressed...her mind awash in speculation.
I didn't get why you have ellipsis here.

talking to one of the mysterious actors involved in his research gave her chills.
Hum... no recollection or thoughts about the pretty amazing fact that Bill knew about her?

hundred-an-twenty-year
Typo: and

what her eyes absorbed, an artifact from another time.
I think this can use a colon or a dash.
what her eyes absorbed: an artifact from another time.

"Ahoy there, mate," she said, poking her head inside the galley door."What's a girl have to do to get some breakfast around here?"
Ha. Loved this, that Merci is so casual and friendly with Bill.

as she wolfed down the delicious food
I've never seen "wolf" used as a verb, but I'm so gonna use it from now on!

Merci sputtered, as the blood returned to her face.
Errr... It's Merci... Genetic mutation, all whithey covered in make up?

"So, What do you think
Typo: capitalized "what".

"Enoch and I have roamed this frontier community...
Didn't check this, but I have the feeling that you say pretty much the same when Merci arrives to town and takes her first look out her window, and you describe it.

Bill nodded towards Enoch. "There sits
Unless somebody else does or says something in between, this should go together with the previous paragraph, since it's all Bill speaking.

languages fluently...all self-taught.
On the ellipsis again, it suggests a pause or trail-off. Like, Bill pauses to shoot a meaningful look at Merci to state what comes next is a secret or something that could change the world. Then he says, "all self-taught."
But there's none of it. It's a clarification. So I'd go for a healthy dash here.
languages fluently--all self-taught.

Bill finished his last reindeer sausage
This too belongs with the rest of Bill's speech.

He had a large box of the gummy sweets separated by color
Ha! OCD! I did the same when I was a child! And then I'd eat first a color, then another, then another. Keeping my favorites for last.

Merci glanced at the minders who were now in her direct line of sight. The second Enoch and Bill sat down and put their backs toward the main dock, the minders were on their sat-phones visibly working themselves into a sweat as they reported to their superiors.
I know we've discussed commas and I only point out the missing mandatory ones. But this paragraph would read easier with two of them. Before "who" and then before "visibly".
Merci glanced at the minders, who were now in her direct line of sight. The second Enoch and Bill sat down and put their backs toward the main dock, the minders were on their sat-phones, visibly working themselves into a sweat as they reported to their superiors.

If so, you were correct, this meeting is not a coincidence, but planned.


"Forever."


continued to press there limits,
their limits? the limits? her limits?

one of which was the fleeting sensation to get up and walk away.
That's called survival instinct, dear. You should hear it out.

"Think of it as a Vulcan mind-meld. Sorry, I'm a bit of a Trekkie."
I was leaning further and further in toward my computer, completely caught by Enoch mysterious words. And then this! Man! How could you?

This confession eased her tension a bit. It even made her smile.
I would've totally giggled. A very silly giggle. Or at least scoffed.

What do you think I will learn from grandfather's memories? You must have some inkling.
Hum, a few things here.
First: so easily? she's already ready to agree? her head's not spinning? her heart doesn't drum?
Two: "grandfather". She calls him the same as Enoch does, whom she'd just met. I think "your grandfather" would sound... Ha! love the irony... more realistic. Else, it should be capitalized.
Three: at first Enoch's offer sounded like a one-way trip through the barrier. But now it looks like Merci only needs to go there, do the Vulcan mojo and then she can leave?
I think Enoch should be more specific about this last bit from the beginning.

---by the way: do they really expect the military to just let go of Merci after she comes out of the barrier? Man! If she tries to leave the island, they'll chase her down and lock her up till doomsday. And let us not even think about the interrogation drills.

"I think you will learn something...amazing. He shrugged, seemingly broken by Merci's sincere insistence. From legends handed down
Missing quotation marks after "amazing" and then before "From".
"I think you will learn something...amazing." He shrugged, seemingly broken by Merci's sincere insistence. "From legends handed down

Enoch stood and gathered up the remains of his Juju pile.
+

commas:
No need to panic lass ---> panic, lass
reluctant contrition giving Merci ---> contrition, giving

hyphens
a radial engine float plane ---> radial-engine
celebrity face matching ---> face-matching
somehow duty bound to be ---> duty-bound

"Come on, mates, let's go walk off breakfast. We've got a lot to talk about."
And I'm stopping here for now.

Overall Thoughts
It's good. I liked it. Nothing really happens but three people sitting on a boat. And yet so much happens!
I think you need to work a little and tweak Enoch's offer and explanation. To have things exposed in order.

You also need to dig a little into Merci's emotions. I mean, dude! This isn't a casual "dinner tonight?" request. And how come she doesn't even think about her event back in chapter one--which actually happened what, four days ago? How come she doesn't even think of the message mentioning an island??
---> feel free to picture me with my face all red, jumping around the computer on the table and waving my arms as if checking in for a nuts-house.

In other words: you need to order Enoch's offer and have Merci experience a little shock/fear/butterflies in her belly/whatever but some more reaction. So readers won't bump on idle "what? so she wouldn't stay in the island?" or "What? that's it? She's already in?" and things like that.

That said, so far it's a great chapter, with pivotal decisions as you told me it'd be, and it flows perfectly. I totally like it. I only need our girl to have something of a jolt or feel more chills down her spine, or something to reflect how she feels as she hears Enoch out.

By the way, your edit shows! See how short my usual lists are!

I'll be back as soon as I can to see this through and how they figure things out!

So you go chop me some firewood, open some red wine and grab your comfy chair. 'Cause we have a long Alaskan winter ahead to work together!

Read you around!

Hey there, my friend! It's been so long!

I've been under the weather for about ten days now, getting out of bed only to go to work. But I think my brain cells can focus for a while today. So let's get started with this new chapter.

Filled with excitement, he started his silent stalk—focusing on a creature who, until a minute ago, had been a ghost to his pursuers—a life form spawned in the lowest level of hell—a man who slaughtered children.
Hum. I'm not sure about all the dashing here. I mean, it's like it weakens the words. Personally, I'd replace the first dash with a comma and the others with stops, to make every statement stronger.
Like this:
Filled with excitement, he started his silent stalk, focusing on a creature who, until a minute ago, had been a ghost to his pursuers. A life form spawned in the lowest level of hell. A man who slaughtered children.

Allen's innate ability to hack their most subterranean off-the-grid data bases
Warning, Lyle. This guy could hack even your databases!

mass murderers
I think this expression conjures a different image. I read it and think of Hitler, Attila, even my beloved Alexander the Great. It's the word "mass", you see. It automatically paints the image of a crowd.

an ingenious thread weaved into a tapestry of evil
Errr... shouldn't it be woven instead of weaved?
Title call! Here? I never expected to find it while talking about what I'm assuming a very minor character...

that screamed, I'm going
I'd put Walter's call in single quotation marks or italics.
that screamed, I'm going...

Water wanted to be found out.
Typo:
Walter wanted...

never find hint of his whereabouts
find a hint

feeling the warmth her body against his
warmth of her body

it was a subliminal safety switch with a simple message, no one goes out at night.
Ha! You know? I always say that you, Americans, have some kind of Cinderella complex. I've been to some parties with Americans, and while us, Latinos, stay up all night till dawn, Americans usually called the party off by midnight--like you don't wanna be seen when you turn back into a pumpkin!

"I found your clue, Walter, The one you left
Walter, the one
or
Walter. The one

He tied down the plane
Like a horse? Poor plane! By the way, I flew a couple of times on a 1948's single-engined Luscombe. Man. Those things can fly, but they feel so frail! I expected it to fell apart at any moment!

Graces hand
Grace's

"Who is it. Should we be concerned?" Grace said, putting a hand on her husbands shoulder.
A couple of things here. Suggestion:
"Who is it? Should we be concerned?" Grace asked, putting a hand on her husband's shoulder.

"Who is it. Should we be concerned?" Grace said, putting a hand on her husbands shoulder.
"What is it, and what's that sound?" Bernie grumbled, unable to see the plane with any clarity, but feeling it with every other sense.
"It's okay, Bernie." Grace said. "Some friends of Allen have come for a visit."
Hum, these three lines don't add up. I mean, why does Grace ask if they should be concerned if next she's gonna ease her huband and she knows it's Allen's friends?

one or both of us might not be here when you come home
Grace is a lovely peach. The "come home" bit is adorable.

"Give em hell son."
Give'em hell, son
--Bernard's a rockstar

Is there a place were I can catch a few winks.
I think this could use a question mark.

arms length.
arm's

The limos not going anywhere
limo's

You should run a search + replace just in case, but these are the ones I found that should be Walter's
Walters maniacal blueprint
curiosity of Walters design
from Walters seventh victim
even with Walters identity
Walters calling card,
Walters horrific skill sets
and in Walters case,
Walters breathing became
close to Walters ear.
Walters reeking corpse
past Walters car


Remember to spell the numbers
It was 2:25 a.m
It read 4:38 a.m.
6:00 a.m.sharp.

the missing hyphens
head mounted night vision goggles --->head-mounted night-vision goggles (well, not positive about night-vision v. night vision, but you need at least to hyphen head-mounted, that for sure).
red headed pushpins ---> read-headed
a wind stoked fire ---> wind-stoked
fruit treed front yards ---> fruit-treed
one goes out at night ---> no-one
sixteenth century stone and timber---> sixteenth-century
wood framed windows ---> wood-framed
several heart stopping moments ---> heart-stopping
his adrenaline soaked nervous system ---> adrenaline-soaked
valve knocking ---> valve-knocking
he had hot wired it ---> hot-wired
a hard packed runway ---> hard-packed
ninety-seven year old fighter ---> ninety-seven-year-old fighter
ninety four years ---> ninety-four
seventy five years ---> seventy-five years
ninety two ---> ninety-two
best don't worry face on ---> don't-worry
Their freight train stride ---> fright-train
back and forth banter ---> back-and-forth
a drug induced headache --> drug-induced

the missing commas
Allen sat on a milk crate facing Walter. ---> crate, facing
That should be obvious Walter. ---> obvious, Walter
for a long time trying to untie ---> time, trying
this morning Allen ---> morning, Allen
"Just a little shocked Grace." ---> shocked, Grace
"Well tell them to turn off ---> Well, tell
who they are Grace, ---> are, Grace,
as a vacation Whizzer ---> vacation, Whizzer
Whatever you need brother. ---> need, brother.
on a great adventure Allen ---> adventure, Allen
buckle up Whizzer ---> up, Whizzer
catch up guys, but I ---> up, guys, but


Some Thoughts On Walter

Ha! We're crossing jurisdictions here! You know serial killers are my writing treat nowadays.

Let me shake the dust of what I've read to write Blackbird. I'd say only serials with a narcissistic element in their psychopath pathology crave discovery. Many of them, like those with their prefrontal cortex damaged, act out only on their compulsion--they just can't help themselves and they don't wanna be stopped. Others leave clues to be stopped because a part of them can still tell what they're doing is wrong, but they cannot stop themselves, so they kill in a distinctive way as an S.O.S. message in a bottle for somebody to pick it up and catch them.

If Walter's victims are about ten years old, they're still children, or preadolescent/prepubescent girls. Big difference, because "adolescent" or "teenage" girls implies not only age, but that most of them are already nubile. Which brings in another kind of sexual pathology. But on the quote from the chronicle that got Allen's attention, you state the victims are always about ten. So most of them are not yet fertile. Which makes his pathology completely different--and way worse: pedophilia, which is sexual attraction to prepubescent children on a subject at least five years older than the "chosen" children. Walter wouldn't be a pedo if he felt no sexual attraction to his victims whatsoever, but that would take a book in itself to establish how his psycopath pathology fixated on this given type of victim and none other.
So, JJ, you've made up a real piece of work: a preferential pedophile who also happens to be a sophisticated narcissistc impersonal killer--impersonal because there's no personal reason to kill a given victim, other than her fitting his type--with a one-year cooling-off period. Man, he's a whole new level of monster!

Anyway, if you say he sees the child's spirit and kills her to set it free, you're talking a whole different pathology. This kind of hallucination with mysthical edges doesn't match at all what you say about him. This talks about a delusional pathology that would make him classify with mission-oriented serial killers, which sometimes have to do with prefrontal cortex lessions or severe traumas during their childhood--and the delusion is usually directly related to that drama. Narcissism has nothing to do here, and there's no pleasure on what they do: they kill because they have to, because god or whatever appointed them on a given quest. They don't expect recognition. And they sure don't want to be caught because that would mean failing on their quest.


Overall Thoughts

I loved this chapter, even though it's actually two chapters in one. Walter's part and then the Chateau part and Whizzer's pick up.

Even though I enjoyed the Walter's part like a child on Christmas, because of my liking to serial killers' stories, I dare to say it gets too long and distracting for this point of the novel. Maybe if you go all butcher on this and keep only the parts from Allen's POV it'd work better, since it'd be presenting the new character on his turf. But the inclusion of Walter's POV--even though I loved it and I think it's greatly written--is just too much to come in now. That is, considering that after Walter, I, as a reader, then have to learn about the Chateau, Bernard, Grace and their habits and whatnot. It's just too much information to provide that doesn't add a single thing to the main plot, and that stands out when I'm on chapter 16 out of 22.

I mean, you finish the previous chapter with a promise of bringing many mysterious/intriguing/interesting parts of the story together, since you have the island's military looking into Merci because Bill approaches her. It's like everything's set to step on the gas and get a real rush. But instead, I found myself following a serial killer's POV in France, a minor character who dies only minutes later and doesn't bring anything to the story himself--save being there so Allen can show us he's still such a competent killer too. So this chapter feels like stalling. At a point of the story where you yourself suggest there wouldn't be any more stalling.

I think that maybe you can split this in two chapters and bring all the Walter part at a very earlier point of the novel. And here you can come back to Allen waking up in the stolen beetle, to go back to the Chateau, introduce the reader to Grace and Bernard and have Allen picked up by Redman and Vit.

Warning: I mean it when I said I love this chapter. Every bit of it. The chasing of Walter, and then the life Allen got after leaving Sam's unit, everything is great to read. I'm just suggesting it's just too much colorful scenery to come out by the 70% of the novel. And because I liked all of it, I'm not suggesting to strike out any of it, but splitting the chapter and give the first half earlier on. Maybe before Vit picks up Redman, for example.

Sleep on it, play with it, then tell me what you think.

Okay, I put up the usual lists, but I'm afraid my flu-ed brain might have miss some commas, hyphens and possessives missing.

Sorry I took so long to come back! Hope I can keep going sooner!

Enjoy your fall, my friend! Here I'm taking the best of spring rains and late colds, duh. Lucky me, January is not far, so I can complain about the heat and too many hours of daylight--not nice for a night creature like me.

Chop the firewoord, smoke your salmons, store your red wine. We have a great writing winter ahead!


Hugs and cheers and stuff!

Hey there, my friend!

Here I am, to finish Lyle's chapter!

Before I forget!
On your last email, you seem to think that I thought it was too over the top when you say Lyle searched Merci on all available databases and then some. All the way around! I loved it! It suggests he has access to all the secret databases nobody knows about.

she was somehow informed.
Missing closing quotation mark.

the only outsiders
outsider--singular.

to unusual to end
too unusual--welcome to my club! I do this all the time!

he shrugged..."an outsider, but—involved somehow."
The ellipsis belong after the quotation mark. And I'd move the dash to replace the comma. Else it looks like trying to state a pause, so it'd have to be ellipsis again.

sergeant Major
Sergeant --missing capitalization.

his eyes reflecting an equal amount of distress
Question: whose distress? If Lyle's, it doesn't show on what he's doing and saying--or how he says it.

tonight about midnight..." he looked at his watch..."In less than an hour.
JJ, quit the ellipsis. Close the bag and put it aside, okay? In case you wanna stay on it, remember the second ellipsis should go after the quotation mark.
Suggestion:
tonight about midnight." He looked at his watch."That's less than an hour.
I mean, they're military at a sensitive position, right? I don't picture this kind of guy like "ellipsing" a lot, which would show hesitation.

looked unchanged—dreary, and wet, but getting the
You should close the dash instead of using a comma. I'd also get rid of the other comma.
looked unchanged—dreary and wet—but getting the

A cluster of 16
You should spell the number.

The resulting snowstorm of droplets rippled on the erratic breeze as if alive. When the drops settled, they congealed, coating everything with a glossy lacquer.
This caused me a chill of cold. Awful night!

She was only the second of her kind,
You know? I find it sweet how English speakers treat everything as "she". In Spanish, the sea and ships are "he", for example. So reading how Lyle watches "her" adds a subtle hue of love and/or desire to his look--for me, Spanish speaker--which I find lovely.

45-knot power plants
You should spell the number.
Dude! That's too fast for a large ship! It'd cause tsunamis!

like the curves of her own body
Err... she's nine, right? What curves??

the little girls foray
girl's

thermal imaging camera's
cameras

The outsider's
I think this should be outsiders'...

one list
the barrier room door ---> barrier-room
weather beaten wardrobe ---> weather-beaten
wonderful awe inspiring answers ---> awe-inspiring

the other list
Thanks Johnson --> Thanks, Johnson
telling you son --> telling you, son
to the main monitor leaving Lyle to exit --> monitor, leaving
deep into the forest knowing --> forest, knowing


Overall Thoughts

Frigging loved this chapter!

The last part about Aklu is priceless, adding the first look at what's past the barrier, and how her people feel about the military base. I never thought about them as "captors", but it made so much sense when I read it. Of course her people feel trapped. And of course a curious little girl would dream of leaving.

I also liked a lot when Lyle is asked for his opinion, and the way he words it. I definitely like Lyle! And he drops a very nice bomb when he says he thinks Merci's gonna join the people behind the barrier.

As you can see, this review is mostly dull tech details. A comma here, an apostrophe there. Nothing on content because it's perfect.

So I'm gonna pray for good weather and some free time to keep reading as soon as I can!

Hugs and good wishes! Let's endure the rains--like we had any choice, right?

Read you around, my friend!

Hey there, JJ!

Hope you're enjoying summer as you should. Here we're still waiting for snow, go figure! It'd be as if you didn't have any by January. First time in the 22 years living here it happens. Forcast promised some little snow up in the mountains this weekend. It's been raining in town, so maybe two or three flakes fell on top of the mountains...
Bad timing with the rain, 'cause we're celebrating 200 years of our Independence today. So lots of parades, music on the street and local varieties of food--and umbrellas in this area!

Okay, let's get at least started with this chapter!


At the end of Lyle's shift
Hello, Lyle! Nice reading you again!

a touch football game on the pier
You Americans... were those men from any other country in the world, they'd be playing (what you call) soccer.
--by the way, how come you're the only country in the world where "soccer" is considered a game for women and children? It's the most macho thing to play all over the rest of the world!

our boys found what they were looking for in Ketchikan
Are we talking about Merci??

You and I will have a face to face at seven.
Wonder what that would be... By the way, it should be a face-to-face at seven.

I want everything, friends, neighboors...
I think this comma should be something else, colon or dash, to set the first part apart from the list that follows.
I want everything—friends, neighbors...
or
I want everything: friends, neighbors...

When the drone locates our person of interest, lock-on, and record at close range, we want to see every move she makes.
This needs to be two separate sentences--you guys, English-speakers, have this funny notion called comma splice... I'd also strike one of the commas. Like this:
When the drone locates our person of interest, lock-on and record at close range. We want to see every move she makes.

The word she rattled around in Lyle's mind
Ha! I made a mental note to comment about it if this didn't happen. Great! It hapened!

while his stomach gurgling at the aroma of grilled steak hanging thick in the air.
Three options here:
while his stomach gurgled
or
, his stomach gurgling
or
with his stomach gurgling
By the way, this made my stomach gurgle too!

Specialist Jimmy Condit was waiting for Lyle
I think there's an overuse of the continuous tenses so far in this chapter. Here, for example, you can very well say "Condit waited for Lyle". If you feel like it, take a look at the other parts where you use the continuous past and see if you can change it to simple past. It usually reads better.

speed of 115 mph
The drone? Man, that little thing is fast!

every known database on the planet, and then some.
Ha! Better live it at that, "then some", right?

Lyle read her general description, which only served to increase his interest, twenty-nine years old,
Here, again, I'd change the second comma to colon or dash, to begin the listing.
Lyle read her general description, which only served to increase his interest:/—twenty-nine years old,

vague adjective—exotic, but
Need to close the dash here
vague adjective—exotic—but

he had to shake off the deer-in-the-headlights stare
Ha! Get a grip on yourself, dude.

striking features, a confidence, a fearlessness,
Yet again, I'd turn the first comma to a dash. Even to a period, to make the whole description stronger.
striking features. A confidence, a fearlessness,

drivers records
This should be driver's records.

taking a mental note that this was a thirty year-old women who looked like a teenager.
Why does this particular aspect of Merci stand out for Lyle?

to be down loaded
to be downloaded

The sudden unscheduled encounter was enough to set off fireworks in the barrier room,
Ha! This is part of what I was wondering as I read last chapter. Anyway, I still don't know why the minders were so passive about Bill meeting Merci and going to a party with lots of people.

Lyle has sorted every byte of data
Lyle had sorted

Sara Argall: Welsh: Born 1964.
I think this should be:
Sara Argall, Welsh. Born 1964.
The same happens with Merci's father and granny just below.

at Romulus, Michigan.
If you just said Brainbridge Island, WA, this should be Romulus, MI.

12.74 million US.
Wow. The girl has some!

The missing comma:
a no brainer sir ---> brainer, sir
Lyle who was at that moment ---> Lyle, who was...
more attentive stance understanding ---> stance, understanding...
Carry on Johnson ---> Carry on, Johnson
"Nice to meet you Mercedes Pleasant," ---> ...meet you, Mercedes...

The missing hyphen:
Lyle had test flown ---> test-flown
heavy barrier room door ---> barrier-room
the college educated type ---> college-educated
well traveled acumen ---> well-traveled
minutia filled spreadsheets ---> minutia-filled
eighteen thousand foot level of K2 ---> eighteen-thousand-foot level of K2
true believer cell ---> true-believer cell

Numbers that need to be spelled:
At 6:50 ---> At six-fifty
6:00 AM ---> six am/AM
It was 7:20 ---> seven-twenty
At 6:20, Bill had informed ---> At six-twenty
at 6:45 he made ---> at six-forty-five
By 9:00 ---> By nine
32 territories ---> thirty-two
It was 11:10 p.m. ---> eleven-ten


And I'm gonna stop here, when Lyle leaves the drone room. I made the usual tedious lists, so you don't need to scan the whole chapter thoroughly to find those little fixes needed. By the way, you should make up your mind to use one single form for the hours: am/pm or AM/PM or a.m./p.m. It reads better if you always use the same. I know I get too picky, but you know me, right? Anyway, there are no major issues about what I read. You see 90% of the things I point at are actually minor typos or punctuation things. The other 10% is mostly my silly comments as I read.

I enjoyed this chapter so far a lot. I liked Lyle when you first introduced him, and I was glad to meet him again. The tone of this chapter is the perfect halfway between the acid humor of the chapters about Sam and his crew, and the quiet, sometimes a little slow chapters about Merci (save the one about her first morning in Alaska, I loved the pace you gave to that one).

Plus, here's where another element comes together with the rest of the plot. Now we have Merci, Bill and the military involved. So only Sam & crew remain out of the general plot. Meaning I can't wait to see them come into the picture!!

Okay, gonna end this chapter as soon as I can.

Once more: hope you're enjoying the summer full time, and spending loads of time outdoors, doing stuff and having fun.

Oh! Yesterday, on the news channel I usually watch, they showed a live stream from a National Park in southern Alaska. It showed bears fishing on a stream and it was great, and funny to watch. Obviously, as soon as they said the location of the camera, I thought of you.

Enough rambling!

Read you around!

Hey there, JJ!

Stars align to allow me this new while of connection so soon. So let's try to finish the chapter!

Allowing herself to get close to strangers in such a short time was something she had avoided until now.
Warning: remember the twins and remember the girl at the digging site. I still think this is something you "say", but the events you tell contradict it.

tortured by the fact she had rejected
...the fact that she had...

Her only child upbringing
As it is, it should be hyphened but it reads weird. I think a tiny reorder is the best fix:
Her upbringing as only child

The physiological and emotional highs of the day welled up all at once as she wiped an errant tear.
Two things here: first, since the whole paragraph refers to Merci's past, it's not clear if this errant tear fell when she found Rho in the hallway or when the song she's dancing with Bill ends.
Second, "physiological" sound more like... toilets than anything--like, having a gorgeous dump exhausted her . I think "physical" would read better.

a Sultans yacht
Sultan's

"Why certainly," she giggled, taking his arm.
Purists will argue that "giggle" isn't a tag verb.
"Why certainly." She giggled, taking his arm.

these Archeologists
I'm in doubt about the capitalization here too.

Don't ever take up the game of poker my dear."
The tone of Bill's voice changed as he also seemed relieved that the subterfuge was out in the open and he could drop the uncomfortable pretense. "I have a friend back home Bill.
The second sentence should go right after what Bill says. Else, at first sight it seems as if Bill keeps talking, and the first words are confusing.
Like this:
Don't ever take up the game of poker my dear." The tone of Bill's voice changed as he also seemed relieved that the subterfuge was out in the open and he could drop the uncomfortable pretense.
"I have a friend back home, Bill.

"Your friend has done his homework. I can't deny any of it," Bill said.
How does he say it? I mean, how does he react at Merci saying all this to him?

"I thought so." Merci said,
Now that period has to be a comma.
"I thought so," Merci said,

"I had no idea that you would be so young."
Let me tell you that after Bill says this, all the account on his and Enoch's habits sort of lacks any interest, 'cause now all I wanna know is why he said that and how did he learn about Merci--and what!

disparate time line
timeline

handy craft stores
handicraft stores

I've been there for sixty years and I hope to die there."
Bill looked into her eyes, his voice taking on an urgent almost pleading sincerity. "We, Enoch and I, have a proposal for you.
This should be all the same paragraph, since it's still Bill talking.

the curiously factor of this strange encounter had just gone nuclear.
Hell yeah! I agree! By the way, if she won't need to look for either Enoch or Bill in order to meet them, the whole description of their habits sounds like... idle conversation--especially after that "I had no idea that you would be so young" bomb. And I think they have not much room for idle conversation with the minders just there--or do they let Bill mingle and talk for hours with anybody, about anything? That would contradict what Simene said about them.

cliches
clichés --the correct spelling is the French one...

11:25 p.m.
eleven twenty-five p.m.

"Bone girl." he said,
Comma instead of period.
"Bone girl," he said,

Well, Yeah,
Oops, that "yeah" doesn't need capitalization.

I was under the MRI machine hooking up one of the magnets when Manny
Two commas needed here:
I was under the MRI machine, hooking up one of the magnets, when Manny

as if the dam house
Guess you mean the damn house, not the house at the dam.

That's my guy, He's a lean mean
You need to turn the comma into a period.

I'm about to give you a heart attack.
Ha! Bet she is!

"No freaking way," he said.
"Way," but just Bill.
I think there was some copy+paste mess here, 'cause the first words Merci says about it are not there.

"Oh my god."
Dull rules say you need a comma after "oh". The fix is hyphening the whole thing: oh-my-god. Modern kids' fix would be saying OMG. You make your pick.

Your okay, I'm okay.
I guess you mean "you're okay".

Spec ops
Think this should be Spec Ops, both letters capitalized.

I wish you could be here Simene. Its wild.
One comma and one apostrophe missing:
I wish you could be here, Simene. It's wild.

during the actual uplink.
Need the closing quotation mark.

Okay Space boy
I'd capitalize both words: Space Boy

her eider down nest.
eiderdown

I'm just saying." Call me
No need for that quotation mark in the middle of Simene's line.

The bed felt wonderful.
Gotta love such a feeling!

the commas
"Thank you madam," Bill said, --> you, madam,
My pleasure sir. ---> pleasure, sir
street urchin's lass? ---> urchin's, lass
You're kidding right? ---> kidding, right?
I know who you are Bill Stanton ---> are, Bill
game of poker my dear. ---> poker, my dear.
"I have a friend back home Bill --> back home, Bill
had me at hello Bill. ---> hello, Bill
Breakfast at 8:00 then? ---> at eight, then? (you also need to spell that number)
he was on the table pawing at the sat-phone." ---> table, pawing
"My god that's amazing Simene." ---> My god, that's amazing, Simene
Sit down kiddo. ---> down, kiddo.
Easy boy. --> Easy, boy
information about you kiddo ---> about you, kiddo.
Night Captain Kirk. ---> night, Captain
Live long and prosper bone girl ---> prosper, bone girl

the one missing hyphen
the not so well known restricted bases ---> not-so-well-known restricted bases



Overall Thoughts

Okay, next time you go shopping, you get a bag of commas and pour the content onto your writing!
I made the stupid list so you don't need to look for every missing comma--'cause when we do it on our own writings, we're bound to miss half of them!
The review got long 'cause I wanted to list all the little typos I found, so you can locate them right away without needing to revise the whole thing.

Okay, so I still stick to what I said in the last review: Merci meeting Bill is too important to waste lines on the menu or much descriptions. Also, notice that Merci's converstations with Simene about the minders take a lot more space than what Merci talks with Bill. Like, there's something paramount going on, but you fell to the temptation of describing or telling what happened around it, instead of keeping your zoom tight into Merci and Bill together. You even make room to talk about the time when she met Roman!

You've been feeding the mystery around Bill and Enoch, so keep it up, don't push it back to scenery. I've got the feeling, by what you "spoiled" me about the story, that this meeting is pivotal for Merci. Then you gotta give the feeling on this chapter. You drop a nuke like "we didn't think you'd be so young" and then totally overlook it to have Bill talk about how much Enoch likes old movies. Believe me, I was jumping on my chair, like, WHAT!!! C'MON, JJ! You can't do this to me! Gimme more! Why on earth did he say that!!
And to my complete despair, booze has our girl's head all clouded and she doesn't pay any attention to those words. Like, "oh, well, they know about me but not my age, but who gives a damn, I want to know what Enoch does in town." But then she's all lucid again to have this long talk with Simene, which includes the cat's oddities--with a detailed account of what the pet does and where and how!--and all that talk about the minders and how Simene scrambles the military monitoring. I mean, everything deserves more room and detail that Bill and Merci together and talking! What she feels goes unnoticed too, that thing you call "her inner demon". It hasn't showed up since the beginning of the story. Now it appears again, triggered by Bill, and she doesn't give it even a simple thought when she gets to her room.

Okay, enough rambling. You know me, I get started... I know you get what I mean.

Hope I can come back soon again! And that you're enjoying spring!

Read you around!

Hey there, JJ!

Got a little connection, so I'm reviewing the first half of Dancing with Edward G.

Winter's marching on over here, and I hope snow won't take long. Meanwhile, my turn to deal with a vicious flu that had my head like full of wet cotton and refused to leave.

Let's get on with Merci's night.

wannabee
wannabe

like invading army ants
I think this could be whether an invading army of ants or like invading ants.

stair case
staircase

the rooms shadowed lighting
room's

Merci turned to gaze into the clear blue eyes of Bill Stanton.


You can't refuse and old man
Ha! I do this all the time! You need to correct "and" to "an".

"Merci Pleasant," she smiled back.
No tag verb, so the comma should be a period.
"Merci Pleasant." She smiled back.

some University of Alaska students
Like this, the University part becomes a modifier, but it doesn't look good hyphened. Why not some students from the University of Alaska?

founded by the Dutch you know.
You need a comma before the "you know", even when it's so colloquial.

waved to the attentive bartender
He motioned at the bartender when he says, "You here visiting?" ---not that attentive, this bartender, if Bill has to wave at him so soon again.

"You're looking mighty handsome for eighty-six, Bill," she mused, feeling the Tequila start to kick in.
That dreadful moment when inhibitions falter!

Anyone ever tell you
I think this should be whether "ever tells" or "ever told".

"You all right," Merci asked
Please, for this old geek's sake, can you add the question mark to match the "asked"? You know I need those things.

Chookacha, Chookacha, Chookacha.
I think you don't need to capitalize the word, since it's working as an onomatopoeia


a shot missing-comma list:
"No problem lass, ---> ...problem, lass,
Very good lass ---> ...good, lass
"Why thank you lass.---> Why, thank you, lass --I know it seems to break the colloquial rhythm, introducing pauses that don't exist when you say it. What can I say, I don't make grammar rules, right?

accompany you to the ball," he grinned,
"Grin" isn't a tag verb, so this comma needs to be a period.
accompany you to the ball." He grinned,

Archeological research vessel.
Got me wondering. Does "Archeological" need capitalization?

University of Washington science department
I think you need a possessive here: University of Washington's science department. And I would capitalize Science Department. But that's me.

the ships converted hold
the ship's

The research team consists of fifteen graduate students and four University staffers. There was enough room in the ships converted hold to accommodate ten spacious double cabins with showers and computer equipped work areas. Even the crew work at the digs when time allows. We strive to be one happy family."
This whole section has no opening quotation mark, and it switches from present to past tense a couple of times, so it's confusing as to whether Adam says it or it's narration.

By 10:00 p.m. - By 11:30 p.m.,
These numbers should be spelled.
By ten p.m. - By eleven-thirty p.m.

6:00 AM
This one too, and you should use always the same form for AM/PM
six a.m.

this last dance madam," he grinned with mischief
Need a comma before "madam", and "grinned" isn't a tag verb, so the last comma should be a period. Actually, I'd love a question mark there. I know it sucks. In Spanish, we can use pretty much any verb as dialogue tag, and I do wish English was the same.
this last dance, madam?" He grinned with mischief


The inevitable list
seedy looking ---> seedy-looking
second story loft ---> second-story loft
flat screen TV ---> flat-screen TV --this is why I always say just plasma or LED
White haired and leather faced, ---> White-haired and leather-faced,
a fifteen year old puzzle? ---> a fifteen-year-old puzzle?
second year Archaeology student ---> second-year
her half empty glass ---> half-empty
the two hundred foot converted crabber ---> the two-hundred-foot converted crabber
with electron imaging and carbon dating instrumentation. ---> not 100% certain, but "electron imaging" and "carbon dating" work as modifiers to describe "instrumentation", so the book says they should go hyphened.
computer equipped work areas ---> computer-equipped work areas or "work areas equipped with computers".
full time field directorship --> full-time
Bill's irrepressible old world charm ---> Bill's irrepressible old-world charm


Whatever happened after this point, she would always remember dancing with Edward G.
And I'm pausing at this point for now.


Overall Thoughts

Maybe it's me, you know I'm not into descriptions, at all, but I felt there was too much about the bar and the shops under it, and also the menu at Adam's boat. I would've liked to read way more about Merci and Bill attending the party together. Did they stay together? Did they talk about anything? Like, it's all about Adam showing off and trying to win Merci over--which I don't think has much to do with the part of the story we readers would be interested in. Oh! And what about Bill's detail? The big-guys-with-big-guns just let him take off with a girl to a party full of people and they're just okay with it? Oh, let the old man have some fun. Let's get another drink and some fun ourselves.

Plus, wow! Merci and Bill meet twice in only a couple of hours! Tell me about fate! And what about Bill's age? Not to mention his comment about having a cancer! Like, the fact of this man looking twenty or thirthy years younger is touched too lightly, considering the mystery you tried to build around him through Simene's information. I know Merci being a freak might not be easy to impress. But anyway. After all Simene told her about this guy, this issue's earned more than a giggle.

It feels like there's a missing part, from the moment Bill accepts Merci's invitation to their waltz... and man, whenever I read about dancing on a boat, I can't help thinking of the Titanic! And-and-and --that's me, stuttering like an idiot as I try to keep everything in mind-- Merci invites him expecting he'll decline, or at least that's what you suggest. Isn't she disappointed when he tags along? If she didn't invite him expecting him to decline, you need to clarify that.

By the way, after last chapter, where I found a pace that's closer to the one I enjoy so much in the chapters about Sam and his crew, this one feels more like Waterwood. It's not as catchy as the stories about Sam's crew. I mean, there's no trace of your sharp humor in the way you tell situations or how the characters feel/think.

Okay, that'd be it for now. Hope I can come back for the second half sooner. It took me forever since my last review!

Also hope spring's catching up with you, and you're having fun outdoors, and making stuff too.

Did I thank you for the nominations?? Chy (Satuawany) got Honorable Mention as reviewer--among some other Quills for her stories--which makes me proud as hell, since she's my one and only steady reviewer for my BB series, and I know how great she is reviewing! Oh, and I got Honorable Mention for Crime/Suspense!

Okay, enough rambling!

Read you around!

Hey, there, JJ!

I still owe you the reply to your last email, but I got this little while of connection and want to use to finish this chapter! So reply coming soon!

So Merci, thinking she should get going to get a shower before the party on the boat...

trying to outdo each other with boisterous voice.
I think this should be 'voices' or 'a boisterous voice'.

the huge being darkening the door
Oh, oh, oh, the spoiler!! Here they are!!

The hardwood floor creaked in protest as he passed.
These are the things I love from your narrative!

Bill Stanton," anticipating Merci's follow up inquiry
The 'anticipating' bit reads as if lacking something like, 'she said' or 'she added'. Maybe you should do a little reword-reorder.
Like:
"He stops in to eat every time he flies in from the bush." She anticipated Merci's follow up inquiry. "The old man is Bill Stanton."

did not notice the blood leave her face
Hum... shouldn't it be 'the blood left her face'?

At the least, he would be staining his underwear.
Yeah, he would! Jeez, Simene.....

in civilian clothes their stiff demeanor's
Two things here:
A comma needed, to please the old hag, please?
And you don't need that possessive.

in civilian clothes, their stiff demeanor

grabbed a pillow from the bed, and held it to her chest.
dude, this girl...

the clarity of an octopus surprised by a shark
Oh, man, you do make laugh!! Hush now, I'm reading...

that mysterious island—my island, and have miraculously appeared
You need to close the dash, so you don't need the comma.

that mysterious island—my island—and have miraculously appeared

well that's just—unsettling
And use that comma here
And what about changing that dash for ellipsis, like Merci takes a hearbeat to find the adjective?

well, that's just... unsettling.

blowing a cold wind up my skirt
This conjured an awkward Marilyn image that has so nothing to do with Merci!

I hope you're not thinking—what I think you're thinking
No need for the dash here...

To ease your mind Simene,
Sorry, you do need a comma before Simene.

The very short list!
tootsie pop filled face --> tootsie pop-filled face
her awesome sized --> awesome-sized
already broken in --> broken-in


Overall Thoughts

Okay, I'm damned pleased to announce this is the chapter where that style I love from the chapters about Sam and his crew finally meets Merci. And it's an awesome meeting. It's a hooking chapter, with a great pace, to take us through Merci's first day in Alaska. So you balanced the description of town, the day at the digging, the old man who likes young girls, the encounter with Enoch and Bill, the conversation with Simene, Merci's own feelings and thoughts. All of it together and all of it interesting and dynamic. Simply great!

Anyway, you know me, right? You know I have to find a but. It's a little one. But I'd like something to highlight the encounter with Enoch and Bill. Something to give it the spotlight of the chapter. Else, it goes by as another new thing among all the new things for Merci in Alaska. Something like... I don't know. Maybe that she doesn't spot them first. Maybe she feels observed--even though she must be used to that feeling, due to her mutation--in a way that makes her look up, and she finds Bill staring at her. And then Enoch comes in, and he looks at her too. Something to make it more personal for Merci. Else, it's just like she's in LA and comes across a celeb on the street. Something to tell your friends about (dude! I saw Ben Affleck on the street today!), but nothing really meaningful at a personal level. You need to make the encounter something that would make even the most skeptic readers agree with her about coincidences and stuff... I mean, if the encounter actually means something, even if the meaning comes out later on along the novel.

And that's it. I'll be waiting for your thoughts about this. And reply to your email as soon as I can!!

Hope you're enjoying your spring outdoors, doing your stuff with your pals and having lost of fun.

Read you around!

Hey, there, JJ! It's been a while, my bad!

Hope you're doing okay. I'm here to follow Merci's first steps in Alaska. Let's see .

Unable to get the hot water adjusted properly,
Oh, gosh, I hear ya...

a city still frozen in history
I don't know why I pictured it as a town, rather than a city. You use both words. How about a little reference about the size or population, to clarify the mind picture?

fishing boats and pleasure craft
I think this should be crafts, plural...

An energetic group from the University
How about another number reference, this time about the crew? I have no idea how many people work in a digging site.

"Merci, she said,
Ooops, missing the closing quotation mark.

"Oh my, you think our parents knew each other?"
This short chat about weird names is funny!

young girls reaction
typo: young girl's, to make the possessive.

The rest of the day flew by with surprising speed.
I kept reading, and started to wonder if you need this sentence. Because it's like a quick way to pass over her day and move on to whatever happens after she leaves the digging. Yet you tell more things about her first day at the digging site. So this is like pushing the reader further than you actually go next.

and old salt
Not sure if this shouldn't be an instead of and.

back to Ketchikan Merci tried
You do need a comma before Merci.
back to Ketchikan, Merci tried

The sudden fame made her feel warm all over
This is another bit that contradicts your claims about Merci not liking being around other people. See? She likes her fellow diggers' recognition. And it's great that she does.

She couldn't wait to rub it in when Rho arrived on Friday.
Ha! Liked this!

a interesting night.
Typo: an interesting night.


The usual list
eighteenth century ---> eighteenth-century
colorful hand carved totems ---> colorful hand-carved totems
carbon dated ---> carbon-dated
second story balconies ---> second-story balconies
shop filled promenades ---> shop-filled promenades
street level docks ---> street-level docks (and permanent street-level piers right below)
artifact recovery expert ---> artifact-recovery expert
peat like dirt ---> peat-like dirt
pot bellied ---> pot-bellied or just pot belly
foul smelling peat ---> foul-smelling peat
four thousand years old clay ---> four-thousand
amazing first day discovery ---> amazing first-day discovery
the just berthed ---> the just-berthed
their scavenger hunt mentality ---> their scavenger-hunt mentality
a few loosening up drinks ---> a few loosening-up drinks



I'm gonna leave Merci heading to her hotel for a shower before dinner for now, and will try to get back to this in a couple of days to finish it.

This far I liked this chapter a lot. It's got Merci's pace, which has nothing to do with the rest of the chapters, faster and fuller of action. But I liked this one way better than her visit to granny's house, for example.

I enjoyed a lot the description of the city. I'm not into descriptions, at all, but I loved how you describe it. It's dynamic, and interesting--adjectives I don't usually apply to descriptions.

So far, the chapter has a good balance of description and telling about Merci in the digging site. I keep in mind the message just like her, and hope I'll see something about it on the second half.

First heavy rains here around, with a little snow up the mountains. Summer's over! Hell yeah!

Read you around, my friend!

And here I am again!

Reply to you email coming soon! And take care of that hideous flu, I'm still struggling my way out of one. You feed the fire, keep the wine at hand and stay warm and comfy!

Let's see what I was missing!

as a third crew member, the archetypal image of an American Indian,
I know this should've been at the previous review, but SpongeBob Brain forgot about it: for some reason, this didn't connect for me with the part from Sonny's pov. As if Santos were asking about somebody else.

when the opposite wall exploded


Super. No fucking guns.


the contents were being sucked out through the aft cargo ramp in a dense, swirling cloud of high-test nose candy.
This made me picture a lot of happy people down on the ground at such an unexpected rain.

These guys were pissed.
Hum... were or are?

he said scanning the horizon
mandatory comma: he said, scanning...

behead American infidels
You're being unfair with the Taliban here: they don't behead only Americans. They behead anyone they consider infidel--watched "He Named Me Malala" the other day, very interesting, what they show about Talibans taking over a simple village and how life was for villagers from then on (including beheading and/or shooting the opposition, like this girl Malala, who ended up winning the Peace Nobel 2014)

In that same moment, the van disappeared in a cloud of blasted earth.
Miracles do happen, Sonny. And bet Oz has something to do with this one.

assorted chunks of Taliban freedom fighter


When the sound did hit, it was unfamiliar. When the aircraft came into focus
The repeated structure stands out but not in a good way. Easy fix, adding "and" before the second "when".
When the sound did hit, it was unfamiliar. And when the aircraft came into focus...

Groom Lake came to mind
Just for the record, I had to go back to Dead Soldiers to see if Groom Lake was where Sam was, in order to follow Sonny's train of thought.

wearing blue jeans, flip-flops, and a Green Bay Packers jersey
Flip-flops!! C'mon, Vit! You just can't show up in flip-flops!!

Sonny Yellowsky had all the information he needed.
He was going home.
Ah! This is a touching end for the chapter! It surprised me you used this emotional touch. We chicks appreciate them!

the relapsing list
the peace loving local drug lords---> peace-loving
American hating ---> American-hating
covert spec ops teams --->not sure about this one, but damn sure you need to hyphen something here! My pick would be covert-spec-ops
the still billowing Hercules ---> still-billowing --by the way, it's the third time I read "billowing" since Sonny jumped off the Hercules, and it stands out as repetition.
twin rotor Chinooks ---> twin-rotor


Overall Thoughts

What can I say? Another great chapter about Sam's crew, with that raw, sarcastic voice of yours you know I totally love. A pleasure to read through and through. You know I always ooze compliments when I read one of these. And I like that you keep showing different scenarios, like Russia and now this, each with its own dangers and issues. And they add up to the island and Puerto Rico.

I just peeked at next chapter and I saw it's in Alaska. So I'm rubbing my hands together for next weekend, and hoping I'll see Merci finally on the ground.

Once more, hope all your things are going smooth. Stay warm!!

Read you around, my friend!

Hey there, JJ!

How are things going over there? Hope you're having a nice weather, to give in to the spring pull to go around doing stuff.

This is just a quick touch, cos I just happened to have an idle while. So I'll just get started, and finish it as soon as I can.

Let's see what Redman's got in store for me!

"Get us the hell out of this freaking frying pan," he yelled.
Not the first time I mention this. Personally, I sort of need an exclamation mark to match tag verbs like "yell" or "shout" or "cry".

After assuring himself
This choice of words puzzled me for a flight check. It's the "himself", I think. Like, it read to me as something like "telling himself". When he actually is making sure or cheking.

blast of solar radiation
I still think myself clever at spotting tips like this one...

injected a constant flow of drugs into the South American cartel chain
I didn't quite get this last bit. I mean, JJ, we produce our own drugs in this end of the world, you know? And we're proud exporters of a wide variety of products to all of you first-worlders No need for Middle-east poppy and stuff.

and the American dream, alive. Such a deal.
Ha! I so love your sarcasm.

like a outdated
Typo: an.

the relapsing list
already idling engines --->already-idling
heat distorted air ----> heat-distorted
proven pressure relief valve ---> pressure-relief
original weather beaten ---> weather-beaten


Okay, got to the second ***, gonna pick up later. With the ugly sensation that I'm missing the best of the chapter. At least I know I'm leaving the best for last.

Again, hope you're doing fine and enjoying yourself outdoors!

Read you around!

Hey, there, JJ!

As I just told you in my email, here I am to finish "Inklings". So I'll put on my picky eyes and get onto it.

I'm gonna pile up all the little typos on one of my silly lists at the end of the as-I-read comments.

... I see you're turning this into a video call. So take whatever still applies once you're done with it

Make sure this DVD stays with you at all times,
Hum, I'd say to do exactly the opposite: if the military finds this info on Merci's day-pack, it could mean trouble. If they find it in... let's say her tent, she can claim she knows nothing about it (like Jon Snow!) and somebody dumped it there.

This thirty-year-old botanist, and one of seventy-five other explorers, mapmakers, and native population census-takers were assigned to
A couple of little details here: you don't need the first comma, the first "and" should be a "was" and you don't need "other" and the last "were".
Like this:
This thirty-year-old Botanist was one of seventy-five explorers, mapmakers, and native population census-takers assigned to
I capitalized "botanist" because you do it later on.

the Islands shoreline and subsequent encounter
Missing verb? "have"...? Oh, and the possesive.
the Island's shoreline and have a subsequent encounter

Merci squinted and cocked her head. "Invisible barrier?"
"Yeah Merci, you heard me,
Oh, then this is already turned into a phone conversation! Okay!

This fateful event took place on June 10, 1915, forty-eight years after Seward's folly.
Okay, now I got lost. Simene was talking about Inman, from the 18 hundreds, who tells about the invisible barrier.
And then you jump to this "fateful event" happening on the 19 hundreds, and mention this Seward's folly I don't have the slightest idea about.
It reads as if you've skipped a whole paragraph from a century to the next.
Yet it's clear that Inman was to the island in 1915, so the mention to the nineteenth century is muddling.

of the Resolute twelve's
I think Resolute should be italized as you have it above.

the barriers atmosphere radiates a false image, giving the impression that the Island is a normal pine encrusted rock,
Oh, oh, oh! I loved this bit! Clever barrier!

Luan however, was a persistent investigator and with the blessing of his tabloid employers spent several years tracking Enoch's flight path.
Okay, needing some commas here, to allow the reader make the mental pauses needed to understand the clauses. You can spare yourself one if you move "however" to make it the first word of the sentence. Else, it should read like this--duh, so much babbling for three damned commas...
Luan, however, was a persistent investigator, and with the blessing of his tabloid employers, spent several years tracking Enoch's flight path.
My personal edit would read like this:
However, Luan was a persistent investigator, and with the blessing of his tabloid employers, he spent several years tracking Enoch's flight path.

prying into the affairs of these two men might mean a shortened life span.
Hum, that "mean" should be either "meant" or "means"

military minders whose job it was to protect
No need for that "it".
military minders whose job was to protect

unless you have an irrational fondness for military interrogation techniques.
Ha! Good adivce. And the Vulcan "live long and prosper" comes to highlight it!

less than two souls per square mile
Count me in. I wanna be there! Well, as long as I can have cigarettes and internet... and I wouldn't miss internet that much.

walk a tightrope between fantasy and reality, acutely aware that she was broken, but confident that fate would reveal her purpose in life.
Oh, this one is goooood. It made me feel automatic sympathy for her, a damaged-but-brave young woman, all alone to fight her traumas and ghosts.
This made me wanna cheer out for her, "go Merci!".

and walked toward an uncertain destiny.
And this is a hell of an ending for this chapter. Especially because she's actually doing it by being on that plane: she's flying to meet her destiny.


Okay, and this is my silly list, so you don't need to look for this stuff. Overall thoughts down below

The silly list

* your uncles
uncle's

* The Island, and 586,412
Missing opening quotation marks.
Not sure you need the closing marks, but you do need the opening ones to point that it's still Simene speaking from a paragraph to the next. Else, it reads as narrative until something hints it's him.

* fur bearing population
fur-bearing

* first nineteenth century explorer
first nineteenth-century explorer

* Close held
Close-held

* might be/could be stories,
might-be/could-be stories,

* until 1941 when all thoughts
Needing a comma after 1941
until 1941, when all thoughts

* the scorched earth ambitions
the scorched-earth ambitions

* the nations treasury.
the nation's treasury.

* were spoon fed
were spoon-fed

* inman's own story
Missing capitalization-- Inman's

* supposedly in the know sources
supposedly in-the-know sources

* the barriers atmosphere
the barrier's atmosphere

* several serious looking men
several serious-looking men

* There stoic,
Their stoic,

* to get too the drifting craft
to get to the drifting craft

* they become close friends.
they became close friends.

* At some point however,
sorry, mandatory comma missing
At some point, however,

* but by this picture taken in 2000 suggests
No need for the "by".
but this picture taken in 2000 suggests

* central Africa watching
central Africa, watching


Overall thoughts
Okay, totally loved Simene's exposition.

For a moment, it reminded me of Umberto Eco's "Foucault's Pendulum", where you absorb tons and tons of history and information through the characters' quick banter--I still remember laughing like crazy when the MC tells his Brazilian girl about the Rosicrucians while they smoke pot and have a drink at their hotel room.

This worked just like that: I was able to follow and absorb the whole history of secrets and clues about the Island without any bump--save that initial confusion about Inman I already commented--and relate it to The Watchers too.

So let me tip my hat at you for this awesome exposition.

And I think that this is a great-great-great prologue to Merci landing on the island. It's like it got me ready for all kinds of things starting to happen to her as soon as she gets there.

So I'm rubbing my hands together in anticipation for next chapter.

Have a great Sunday, my friend!

Read you around!

Hey there, JJ!

A short, workday review!
Heat's back here for until next Wednesday, so I wanted to take advantage of this momentary lapse of reason.

the pornographic greeting seemed appropriate
Err... 'pornographic'... hum... like, nobody uses that word anymore. Everybody says just 'porn'. And for this sentence, I think 'graphic' does the trick better.
--by the way, Merci on the rug is a very Cleopatra-greeting-Caesar image

Rho acted upon her silently sensual request
You know I love adverbs, but I don't think you need the "silently" here.

they literally fell into the airport shuttle
What? That's it? Where's the action!? Give me back the porn part!
I mean, I had to read how Merci pees and shits. Gimme something better waist down!

They were both excited, Merci for her first field assignment and Rho for being able to commit to the two-week vacation they had planned for over a year.
Okay, I'm lost again. Rho's going to Alaska after Boston? What vacation are we talking about?

It also gave her time to recount the previous night's shocking event
Jeez! True! It only happened last night for Merci!
Don't you think there's a lot going on everywhere else while she lived only 24 hs??

Wow, you're in my head boyfriend,
Missing comma: head, boyfriend,

grabbing his carry on
Hum, not sure but I think it should be carry-on here.

"You have all of me—my heart, my soul, and my body—all the soft soft squishy parts."
I think you don't need the "—my heart, my soul, and my body—"
Like this:
"You have all of me—all the soft-soft squishy parts."

control as a child—but in the presence of Rho, rendered her helpless
Err... what about a little reordering? I think I'm in a word-economy mood today.
control as a child—which rendered her helpless in the presence of Rho.

Let me tell you, that damn cat can really catch a buzz.
Poor Manny!

Dead center in each was a perfect paw print.
Yuck, frigging cat! I'd never eat something a pet walked on!!

that DVD presentation I promised you this morning
Man, it's been so long since 'Simene' chapter that I already forgot! I have no idea what he's talking about! I gotta keep reading and pray I'll find out.

DVD labeled eyes only
Something to point out the label?
'eyes only', eyes-only, Eyes Only, 'Eyes Only'.
Take your pick.

Okay, I'm gonna stop here right now, and finish it over the weekend.

Overall Thoughts:
It's good to be back to Merci! I can't remember when I read The Twins, but I've met half a dozen characters since, so it feels like a lot of time.
And I really like her when she interacts with Rho, just like I liked seeing her with Simene.

It's a light, quick-paced reading, that gives a nice insight into Merci and Rho bond. So far, I've only read one or the other think about it. It's nice to see them together in action!

So all good news for me so far.

Hey, do you know if Rho has an older brother or an uncle, to gift me with a private-jet ride on my bday??

Hope you're having a good week!

Remember: no rush in replying. You do it whenever you can. I'm here, just melting!

Hey, there, JJ!

I'm finally back online, so I just jumped into Threads to meet Rho.

At 7:10 in the morning, the ambient air temperature inside the radio shack already approached ninety degrees.
Oh, no! There's no way out for me! Even reviewing I find hell-like heat!

the local senoritas again
Ha! looks like your keyboard has no Ñ. Here you have one to copy+paste: ñ. señoritas.
Else, you can always use alt+164 (numeric pad). That'll give you a nice ñ every time.

Because for us, Latin dudes, reading "senoritas" is just like greeting you with "jello" because I don't have an H in my keyboard. Sounds funny!

And man, that shouthern dude talking makes my eyes cross!

this damn sunspot activity interfering with satellite communications
Oh, the sunspot! It's been so long since I read my last "Merci Chapter"--The Twins, back in December, I think--that I'd almost forgotten.

Point for having Vit chapter before The Twins. Then Angel, then The Watchers.

Time to jog over
In that heat!? You crazy, Rho?

Old Joe looked more like a Caribbean tourist than a radio operator.
All this made me remember the movie Contact --made after Carl Sagan's book. They start working here in Arecibo, and all them nerds look exactly like Old Joe!

Email me some pictures will ya Joe
Maybe the heat melted the two missing commas here?
You need at least one, after pictures.

Check the rest of the chapter for missing commas, because I've already found a couple more. Mostly in dialogue, when you use a name like you do here.

their short friendship would harbor memories and bring smiles at every future thought.
Funny, this kind of bond. How you can bond with people you only see for a few days. Yet they become "friends". I have a couple of them, people I met when I visited Baja California for a week, ten years ago. We're still in touch!


Although Rho's sun bronzed facade had been toned by years of Malibu Beach sun, his vague Crocodile Dundee accent hailed from his adolescent years wandering the land of koalas and kangaroos.
Ha! Loved this!
You just gave me the perfect picture of him to have in mind!

packing the teams newly discovered
Err... should this be "the team's newly discovered"? Or he's packing teams?

a canvas topped, mosquito net encased tent as sparsely furnished,
I'm only gonna wonder... how many missing hyphens here?

Three posters adorned one wall of Rho's jungle bungalow.
Can he be any more hippie?

for the frenetic, anarchism of that era
And here you have a comma you don't need.

At thirty-six, Rho was considered young for a teaching archaeologist.
Right? I mean, leave aside Indiana Jones and the one from Jurassic Park, the profession calls for a long white beard to tug at during academical conversations.

At Twenty-five,
No need for capitalization.

for the phase one ride
I'm guessing this should be phase-one ride.
You see, your relapsing on missing hyphen makes me need to read things over three times until my alien Sponge Bob Brain gets what you probably mean.

Ramey Base, renamed Rafael Hernandez Airport, became the closest
I'd have these commas turn to dashes, to make the reading flow smoother.

check these:
* heat distorted air
* earsome looking stealth fighter
* hand written name,
* heart rate elevated silence.
* fully automatic yet still sphincter busting mid air refueling session --- took me four tries to figure this one out!
* satellite guided surveillance
* was time sensitive.

Guess what.

the images of two sleek F-22 Raptors and a stealthy looking F-35 Lightning
Ha myself! I read this, then think "how the hell can he tell the models?" Then remembered I just read about his years in the USAF. Ha! Nice played!

----> see? this is a perfect example of my philosoraptor. I start wondering about things, sometimes they're valid questions, sometimes they're bullshit. So, as soon as I start wondering, I also wonder about my wondering. "Is it a smart question or just bs?"

back in its hanger
Ooops, hangar.

the Colonels suggestion was just to surreal too be
Typos!
Colonel's
too surreal to be

Puerto Rican jungle
Just wondering if this shouldn't be hyphened. Else, only "Rican" denotes origin.

the physiological sensations of power and speed imparted on Rho's body were as addictive as any drug.
You know, I'm a total chicken. I'm terrified of speed.
Yet, I remember feeling the euphoria once on a plane, as it speeded up for takeoff. Then I learned I'm not scared of speed itself, but of accidents due to high speed.
So I just read this and recalled that awesome feeling. I could totally grow addicted to it. Nice.

Although she would forever be a unique human being, mysterious in so many ways, she was also the love of his life.
This sounds... odd. What's the problem with Merci being unique and the love of his life?

Rho sat back and drank in a lofty vision of earth, thinking he was a very lucky man.
Indeed!


Okay, a nice, entertaining, quick-paced chapter here to introduce me to Merci's sweetheart.
Very surprising, I must add. All this thing about the man digging the jungle for little bones ending up on that fighter jet! Not a plot twist, yet unexpected. And I like unexpected.

I don't have much to say about the plot itself, because it's a new setting and new characters, so I'm all like wait-and-see. So feel free to ask away anything you expected me to address and I didn't.

By the way, there's about ten-thousand missing commas all over the chapter. So here's the offer: if you want, I'll put up a list of them and send it to you by email. I mean, I already spotted them, so no need to have you do it again. I don't include them here or the whole review would be only a list of stupid missing commas.

And so, you can save your brain cells for more productive tasks, like writing
What say you?

So. Sorry again for skipping a whole week without a review. We had to put to sleep my favorite of my landlord's four dogs, and it was a really shitty week, because the dog was very sick but the landlord still had hope it would get better--until I convinced her to put the poor thing out of his misery. So it was all very sad, and tiring, and the heat on top of it all. And then, our internet connection broke down, until yesterday.

Okay, enough mumbling.

I'm receiving reviews for BB as I type this, so I'll be sending you the infamous comma list in a couple of hours, because I'm hopping like a frog to go check those reviews.


Hope your doing fine, writing loads and enjoying even more!

Read you around!

Hey, there, JJ!

I made it through! We just had like a week with 100ºF every day and I was miserable. No way I could sleep or rest until the sun went down--and then I gotta go to work!
But a nice cool is back, so I'm alive again, not a commatose veggie lying on a couch anymore. At least until next week.

So here I am for "Angel".

You're gonna find a lot of comments on commas. I know what you think about them, but I just thought to let you know how those things read for me.
And a couple of hyphen thingies, too. Man, I was about to ship your silver medal!

Okay, you should be receiving an email along with this review, so you just reply to them together whenever you can.
Now, I'll put on my picky eyes , rub my hands together and dive in.

An ethereal voice filled the air.
Question(s): a computer's voice? One of the pilots?

"Have a seat Vit.
Typo: missing comma before "Vit".

The ear-bud has a vibration sensor that picks up movement in your larynx. Even a whisper can't get by this gem.
Nice toy!
By the way, missing the closing quotation mark.

Then, as with most high-tech gear that did not shoot or blow shit up, he lost interest.
Tell me about characterization! Loved this!

it's critical that we all remain mushrooms
I'm not sure what you mean, but it's another bit I loved anyway.
I just pictured Sam, Vit and the others I still don't know standing very still, only their eyes moving, trying to go unnoticed.

"a military installation in Nevada.
Isn't there a missing "to"? Like, "...deliver you to a military..."

As you have already guessed, The General is attempting
Two things here:
First, I don't think Vit has enough elements to guess this. Yeah, he's been picked up. Yeah, it's Angel. Is it mandatory that these two elements together mean the whole team is coming back together? Couldn't it be a solo mission or summoning?

Second, wouldn't they call him "Oz" when talking to each other like this? Or maybe Angel is always too formal to call him that--I still don't know the guy enough. Or is there somebody listening?? If so, should Angel warn Vit about it or Vit knows better and doesn't need any warning?

---Have you seen the philosoraptor's memes? I'm sending you one on the email because I can't attach it here. Well, that's how I'm feeling!

Befoer Vit could ask
Ooops, typo: before

his time saving abilities
Oh, it's been so long!
Hyphen! time-saving

an ATF operation against cocaine drug lords.
Curious: the ATF deals with these things? Thought it was DEA sole turf.

Locker, shower, new clothes, should you feel the urge. Second door is the kitchen, veggies, sandwiches, and drinks.
Can I make it to Angel's pick-up list? I want a ride on this baby!

Even I need to sleep."
Nah. Sleep? He just failed to achieve the Employee of the Month Award.

A single image of a stout man with shoulder-length black hair enlarged on the big monitor.
Hum... Enlarge...?
I think you need another verb to go with it. Like, got enlarged or was enlarged.
That would make the sentence passive.
I don't know about you, but I don't give a damn about passive. Yet I know many of your country-men do and can't help tearing their hairs at the slightest hint of passive sentences.
In case you belong to that club, or sympathize, you can use "filled the big monitor" or "showed/appeared on the big monitor."

He stood sideways with arms crossed, his forearms bulging. A small tattoo rippled in sinew held the inscription, Fuck Custer and the horse he rode in on.
Oh, tough guy! With a touch of rockstar! Can you picture this man posing as a mushroom? Well, a tattooed mushroom.

-->sorry, can't helpt it! Now I'm gonna have the mushroom thing popping up in my head every five lines!

By the way, I'd italize the tattoo text, or give it at least single quotation marks. By the other way, I loved the detail of fucking the horse too!

"a fitting epithet for my epitaph."
I'd italize this too.

A red line with a blinking green dot stretching across the Gulf of Oman and into Afghanistan
Man, I'm a lost cause today. This caused a flashback to Sleepless in Seattle movie and a young and still-beautiful Meg Ryan on a plane! I'm so very sorry!

"Welcome home, Vit. Should be there in about ten hours." Then the screen went black.
Home or back? By the way, Vit's question made me laugh. Did he think they picked him up for a picnic?

leather lounger sorting out
Dull mandatory comma missing here, before "sorting".

He had spent a lot of time on planes, but never for two solid days.
Errr... that "for" bumped me, like, it doesn't match the verb, "spend".
Suggestions:
He'd been a lot (...) but never for two...
or
He'd spent a lot (...) but never two...

A small alcove
You've already used "alcove" at the very beginning of the chapter. Unusual word, so the repetition stands out. Don't have the silghtest idea if there's any other word for what you mean, but if there isn't, how about changing "A" to "Another"?
Also, it's another sort of passive sentence.
In case you want to change that, a suggestion could be: "There were two seats and a table in another small alcove".
However, the "another" + "small" sort of bumps me, because it emplies the first one is small too. Is it? So am I at a complete loss here.

Vit's first exploration was the fridge which revealed
I could use a comma after "fridge".

But in the back, a wondrous thing that
How about a verb here? "He found a wondrous thing", "there was a wondrous thing"...

seven years, a giant bucket
Err... I'd change the comma to colon or emm dash, to highlight this part of the sentence.

smorgasbord
Oh! Never heard or read this word before! Definitely writing it down for future use!

gastronomic delights had wrapped him in a warm-blanket and was threatening to tuck him in.
I would so take a nap after this...

big enough to accommodate Vit's six-foot-seven side of beef.
That's finesse for you!

Levis, a Green Bay Packers
Not sure about this one, because you Americans have a lot of rules for names of series or books or whatnot, but I think the brands should go italized or something.

a private thing—emotion
Oooh, I liked this little insight!

he felt like a line in a screenplay written long ago. The impression was fleeting, but it was also unsettling.
Really? Isn't he a soldier, used to be moved around as his senior officers think fit? And given his line of work, is it really unsettling to find proof this moment of his life had ben planned ahead, maybe years ago? "Let's keep a craft ready, with room to accommodate these big men in case we need to recruit them back all together in a hurry." Is it too crazy, that Oz had this idea years ago, when he started with his secret development of new war machines?

The opposite wall locker
Oh, you, relapser... opposite-wall locker or locker on/against the opposite wall.

several stinger missiles
Err... Should Stinger be capitalized? ---I remember they capitalized it when I played X-com (if you didn't play it, you should go vintage and try it, best pc game ever).

For the first time in recent memory, a sense of being old and inadequate washed over him.
I like that Sam felt the same.

Fucking great, another generation-Y social misfit,
I'd capitalize "Generation"
At least he introduced himself referring to Star Wars. Maybe not everything's lost.
By the way. The pilot of such a secret cutting-edge piece of military craft... would he be so informal right from the beginning? I mean, even if he's heard of Vit and he's dying to ask him for an autograph or make an impression or ask him out on a date... I don't know, I expect a cold robot stirring the plane, especially if they're going to war zones. And would he introduce himself by his first name, like greeting one of his pals? Hey, man, I'm Han. Hey, bro, I'm Vit.
I liked the line, but I'd keep it for later. End-of-the-flight later.

The pilot and the co-pilot seats were empty.
Call your priest.
Ready?
Okay: what the fuck!?
Now you can confess you've heard a blasphemy and be purified.
---I almost did, the one time I heard Morgan Freeman say "fuck" in a movie. I was traumatized

He stared open-mouthed
You can say all this with only one verb: gawked! (ta-da!)

special order just for you my man
Needing a comma before "my man".
By the way. Again. They talk like teen gangbangers hanging out at their corner. I just can't feel it from remote pilots recruited for an ulta top-secret project. I mean, maybe they talk to each other like this when they're off duty, but not in this situation--not to Vit, at least.

He had missed his usual midday nap
That's called aging, my friend!

Angel said you used to have a thing for Kentucky Fried. There's two buckets in the fridge, special order just for you my man.
I think Angel should order them to pack the KFC for Vit. And get the Bestie of the Year Award. He looks that kind of efficient.

He does the target-laser locking and sometimes, the shooting, but not on this platform.
Hum... what about checking the commas location here? If you ask me, I'd have it like this:
He does the target-laser locking, and sometimes the shooting, but not on this platform.
or
He does the target-laser locking, and sometimes the shooting--but not on this platform.
or even
He does the target-laser locking and, sometimes, the shooting, but not on this platform.

Ha! "Platform" makes me think of console games! In Spanish we use "platform" as a synonym of console.

hell-fire missiles five miles out
And I'd add a comma after "missiles", to bring a little pause to the sentence.

iso pod monitoring
Duh, you're so gonna hate me! Missing mandatory comma before "monitoring".

He grinned and left the cockpit,
Just like that? No, "Okay, see you guys" or anything to put an end to the conversation?

filler up
filler-up?

"Thanks guys."
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, but you really need a comma before "guys".

sleep did not take him right away.
I like this bit a lot. Tells me Vit's human.

Something in the world had changed or was about to change.
Oh! I like this so much! It sends me back straight to Sam's thoughts!


Okay, and that's it for Angel, another rock solid chapter of the kind I love and enjoy to no end--no matter how many little things I commented.
It keeps the intrigue building up and feeds the curiosity to meet the rest of Sam's team--that Redman guy! I so wanna meet him! . Especially, it fed my curiosity about what Oz has in store for them! I have my own theory: he's sending them to the island, because somehow Merci's presence there is gonna trigger some big fireworks and they have to be there to save the day. But I can't wait to find out if I'm right.

There's a lot of descriptions about the plane, and despite my being a description-hater, it flows perfect and doesn't get boring or stalling. Since it's such a unique craft, every description adds to the story. Which, for me, is a great achievement.

So, now to the email, with a little comment on the new chapter order and the philosoraptor to show you how this review made me feel.

Hope you're getting some winter over there, and you're enjoying your long, long nights with a good fire, red wine and playing loads of Fallout!

Hey, there, JJ!

Happy New Year!!

Okay, please be as kind as to send me a bottle of Alaska winter, because I'm literally melting in this damn hot summer. I feel my brain is in constant shortcircuit, because it's hot even at night--when it's supposed to cool down! Tell me about a El Niño year!

So this is a short review just to get our year started. It goes up to where Vit spots the helicopter coming and whispers, "Dimitre Vukov."

I really love how you manage to get me hooked on the stories of different characters and drag me in. Every damn time. Sam, the watchers at the island, now Vit. There's no telling what they have to do with Merci's story yet, but I don't care! I enjoy like hell every single line as you introduce these characters and their situations.
You have a sort of sarcastic way to write when you're with them. Sarcasm is not in plain view, but it's right there, just a blink away from showing up, underlying the whole narration. And since I like sarcasm, reading these chapters is pure delight. It's the kind of voice I truly enjoy. It's not naïve, it's the voice of one who's seen a little of the word and knows there's not such thing as black-and-white, you gotta pick your battles, bend your knee now and then and grow some healthy skepticism to keep from inevitable disappointments.
That's the kind of voice I hear telling me the story in these chapters, and I can't get enough of it.

About the story of this first half of the chapter, it's a perfect painting on itself. The place, the cruel weather, these two men stuck here in the middle of nowhere, watching all this dangerous waste. I liked Vit just like I liked Sam. You characterize him through his actions and thoughts. Not much, just enough to make him a very appealing bait to keep reading.
As usual, the balance between dialogue and narration is perfect, and the right amount of description about the place. You even start off with this moment of risk that Vit has to neutralize all by himself.

Oh, by the way, this is one of Sam's crew, right? I think you can introduce him earlier. Before "Lyle", because Lyle is the first chapter about other characters than Merci which seems to really move the story forward, since Enoch and Bill go to the same place Merci is heading to.

I think this chapter should come earlier, to remind people about Sam and his boys. And the different parts of both The Watchers and Vit should have some Merci in between, to keep track on her.

Gonna wait at least until I finish the chapter to confirm this impression.


Anyway, so you don't get too high about so many compliments, I'll put on my picky glasses .

the limbs journey
I think you mean limb's

"Goddamnit," he yelled.
Call me old fashion, but exclamation marks makes me "hear" the yell.
Goddamnit!
--Anyway, he's a true gentleman. I would've yelled "shit!" or something like that.

Pavel still stood near the recreation room flat screen with his mouth open.
Man, boys these days...
Loved how you define this character in just a couple of lines.
Anyway, Vit himself beats you by doing it in three words: "Inbred Cheche moron."

"Do you believe this shit?"
I'd do some smashing together starting from this question, to have everything Vit says in the same paragraph.
So I'd send this question to the next paragraph and I would also add the next one, to have one single paragraph starting with this to finish with "Inbred Cheche moron."
Errr, like this:

For the last three days, a vast winter storm had been battering the Barents Sea, turning the inland waters of the Kola Peninsula into a frothy tempest.

"Do you believe this shit?" Except for the intermittent banshee wail of wind gusting past a window, his question lingered in silence. He craned his neck and peeked into the next room where Pavel still stood near the recreation room flat screen with his mouth open. "You'd better put on that lead-lined gonad cup you were issued in boot camp or no babies for Pavel." Still no answer, but Pavel's eyes grew to the size of an Amazonian tree frog at the connotation. Vit shook his head, mumbling to himself. "Inbred Chechen moron."


He read the weather station readouts...
I don't think you need the ellipsis.

when it came repairing electrical
I think there's a "to" missing?
when it came to repairing...

Pavel's response was immediate. "All clear, Captain."
This stroke me as surprising, considering you introduced him as a drooling idiot.
I expected Vit would need to repeat his question a couple of times before Pavel's dumb brain gears in and then, yes, provide proper answer in proper time--and even make an acceptable joke about the lawn chairs!


Okay, and that's it!

Hope you're enjoying winter at least half as much as I miss it, and that you had a great start of the year.

Gonna try to do the rest of this chapter before Monday, so next week I can attack "Angel".

Take care, keep the fire going and the red wine at hand!

Read you around!

    This is an "Invalid Item"  review    

Hey, there, Mary! It's been so long!

Okay. On to chapter 6, so you can have it whenever you can sit to work on it.

Overall impression.
Here's when chapter 1 pays off, because my first reaction was, "Yay! Poker night is back!"
It's good to see the gang back together, and have Lane join them.

It's a chapter led by dialogue, which makes it an easy, quick reading. And since you are so good at dialogue, it flows really smooth.

Content:
It's like things pop up but they'r not quite followed through.
Example: an important portion of the dialogue is about the video, yet they don't watch it and there's not even a last mention about it by the end. I don't know, something like Mason saying, "Okay, now let's watch that video."

There are also questions without answer. Like the one about recruiting. Nobody says how you get recruited--if you ever survive the interview, of course. And what Ben and Nate tell about Chad doesn't seem grave enough to justify all the secrecy.

And Viv coming clean with Mason about having feelings for Cooper felt like... I don't know, not out of place, but not quite sustained. I think you need some forshadow before this. Especially because you have Jake's murder floating around, and she seems to be still way attached to his memory. So there's no hint whatsoever that she may have any feeling for any other man.
Plus she's still on the mend, and they're with all their friends around, and they're talking about something so sensitive as a video of how Viv and Cooper were tortured... Not exactly the moment to take Mason apart and bring this up.
I'd think she'd talk about this with Mason in private.

Example: you can send Mason to pick her up instead of Nate, and have somebody else help Cooper. So Viv and Mason can talk about her feelings on their way to Cooper's, and Mason can tell her about the changing policy--and say it only once, because now you're repeating it and repeated information within the same chapter brings attention down. And drop the breaking news about the task force at the end, but on a more relaxed situation. Like, all of them around the table or the kitchen island having a beer.

Suggestions:
Okay, here comes my hateful list!

Vivian and Cooper were able to do most of their recouping at home over
I was wondering about counseling. They sure need months of counseling after being tortured. And they cannot go back to the field until the shrink clears them, right?

They still had not been released for duty by the doctors yet,
Having both still and yet is redundant. I'd delete "yet".

missing commas!
So you don't miss them!
* for a moment considering the topic it was
* in the kitchen pausing a moment
* about you girly.”
* Nate mentioned to Ben who nodded.
* He looked over at Lane who nodded

repetitions

* think/thought
The whole conversation between Cooper and Mason overflows these two words, at every line. You should look for alternatives.

Here's an example:
Cooper thought about what he was going to say for
What about: Cooper hesitated and then his line?

* y’all
This far it hadn't bothered me because it was rather casual, here, there.
But in this chapter it becomes a real bump. Maybe it's how they talk over there, but you should keep it for one or two characters, and have the others speak with the regular "you". Also, you can keep it for the times when one of them addresses all the others. If they're addressing a couple of the others, you can also use "you guys".
Point being: the rest of their dialogues don't have enough slang or particular expressions to justify using this one all the time (fifteen times only in this chapter, according to my browser search).

split words
that you need to spell together
* eye brows
* where ever

hyphen
Missing hyphen for you
* cinder-block wall.
* hand-picked,

Cooper was shocked even though he hadn’t been at work,
I think shocked is too strong. Surprised would apply better.
And there's a connector missing here, like "because".
So it would read:
Cooper was surprised, because even though he hadn’t been at work,

SO
I guess the O stands for Office, but I have no idea what the S means. So the first time you mention it, you should spell the whole name of whatever it is.

Mason watched as it seemed Cooper considered the choices he had.
This needs a little reorder/rewording, like this:
Mason watched Cooper, who seemed to consider his choices.

Mason considered what they were talking about, but knew he need to mention something that was coming up,
In context, it's like both Cooper and Mason are overthinking and overconsidering every little thing they say, and the conversation is not about something too dangerous or secret or sensitive to justify their attitude.

The "something that was coming up" reads as a foreshadow of the conversation they have in the basement, but now I think it's about the task force? If it is, the creation of the task force should mean great news for the loverbirds, so no need to stress the tension by mentioning it like that.

Vivian dropped a backpack by the door,
First chapter opening scene! Great loop of everyday habits!

Lane, is finally coming back
You don't need that comma there.

He had started missing more nights than being there the last time she played.
Okay, this needs reordering/rewording, because you start talking in a general way, then say "the last time she played", which talks about only one given night.
So, suggestion:
By the last time she'd played, he was missing more nights than those he joined them

Nate stood next to Vivian, he was worried about her. She kept telling everyone she was fine, but he could see something different.
Nate walked back over to Cooper’s fridge, which Mason just stocked, and pulled a beer out for everyone.
This needs to be only one paragraph.
And you don't need to have Nate moving all over the house to link with what he thinks.
Suggestion:
Nate glanced at Vivian. He was worried about her--she kept telling everyone she was fine, but he could see something different. He walked to Cooper’s fridge, which Mason had just stocked, and pulled a beer out for everyone.

Lane sat on a stool next to her.
Poor Viv. On one side, Lane, who's a mole for a "good" agency. On the other side, Cooper, the mole for the "bad" agency.
She really needs to get some new, more honest, friends!

“I got it. Why don’t we go downstairs?”Ben stepped toward the stairs
Everyone started down the stairs,
You should check the repetition here.

I want to tell y’all me and Nate have know this since the day
Here you're missing words, else the sentence just doesn't make sense.
I want to tell you what me and Nate have known since the day...
or
I want to tell you that me and Nate have known this since the day...
or
I want to tell what you, me and Nate have known since the day...

“Why do I think I should be scared?
Yeah, why? I mean, nobody even mentioned or suggested anybody should be scared of anything?
If Viv pops up with this question right as you make her do, a good friend would call a night shrink for an emergency session.

But they were ruthless and vicious, they stopped at nothing to get her including killing her husband, but only she knew how Jake died.
Here you use the world but twice, within the same sentence, and to contradict each other.
I think the best option is deleting the first "but".

“It's generally the traditional sense, I still get recruited.”
This is muddled, and the tense doesn't fit.

Vivian's tale
I think that Viv's telling her friends what the readers already know, so it's boring for the readers, no matter how interesting it is for the other characters.
Just like the bit about the task force, you shouldn't repeat information unless a number of different things happened in between and you pushed the readers' attention away from it.
But her abduction and torture is only two chapters ago, and the focus of the plot never shifted from them. So, repeating what you've already told down to the letter without adding anything new, only makes the reader skip the paragraph or page, looking for the point where they stop talking about what the reader already knows and the story moves forward.

“They drugged you?” Nate winced a bit.
Viv says nothing before this to suggest she's been drugged--she was barely telling how they took her somewhere.
This comment belongs to the moment when they talk about the tampered water and the hidden camera at the field office.

a multi-jurisdictional permanent task force. Me, Nate, Ben and Lane are on it, and they want y’all in on it, too.”
YAY! The whole gang working together? That's gonna be awesome!!

This is a rare kind of hook to finish the chapter. Instead of leaving readers holding their breath at a shocking situation, you give great news. And a promise of more things to come that this group of characters is gonna face together.

Okay, my friend, that would be it for chapter 6.

Hope you're doing great, and Holidays preparation is not driving you crazy.

Read you around!

Monica

    This is an "Invalid Item"  review    

Hey, there, JJ!

No rest for the wicked!
While you enjoy your Thanksgiving week away, I'm putting up some rambling for you to find on your return.

This is what I'm about to officially call a "JJ 101".
First I find:
flashing like fireflies on a warm New England night.
And I go all aaaw, such a lovely image.
And next line I find this:
pick up a seal fart from miles away
....
Anyway, the overall effect--on me, at least--is making me laugh rather hard. That's why I'm commenting on this.

mini-drones that looked a lot like dragonflies
This got me wondering about the weather. I mean, I got the idea that a drone is a rather... frail thingie. And when I think Alaska + weather, I don't think a peaceful prairie afternoon. They must get trashed a lot. I know I'm overly nipticky, just saying. Screw the military budget. Better spent on drones than rifles to sell oversea, right?

Note on Blatchford
I know squat about him, and I still haven't read any kind of description. But let me tell you I loved his first line. Like, he didn't go over the top at the alarm, but he's rather amused at what he sees. Like, rubbing his hands. And I liked that. A lot.

If so, he certainly didn't want any witnesses.
Oh, and now you got me totally hooked. Who is this guy? What's going on?

level-5
I think this number should be spelled. Boring, I know.

Nothing but a sandy beach
Ha! There you go, intruder. You should've read the prologue of the story!

Was it there, he thought. Was it really there?
I think the first question would read smoother with a question mark like the second.

like a Paris street mime on speed
Ha! Loved this comparison! Damn accurate to give the mental picture!

Blatchford pointing to a dark figure
Typo here? Should it be pointed?

bad cop, bad cop, all the way
Frigging loved this. Love writing my chars performing this, as well--but they're all too straight to play it as often as I'd like.

but a holy shit, I'm-about-to-meet-Jesus kind of realization
Oh, man, I'm loving this chapter. By the way, no commas here, and everything hyphened from a holy-shit-I'm etc.

"So you'd rather we torture you, introduce you to our water board, ram a few bamboo slivers under your fingernails, zap you with a little high voltage? That's going to put me off my schedule, son. You have no options here, now answer my questions."
Two things about this. First, I think that if you want to keep "torture", you should change the first comma to an emm dash, like clarifying. Else, you should just strike "torture".
Second, I think it'd read better something like: "Those are your options, so answer the questions."

"What the fuck. What did .. did you .."
I think the first part would read better with some exclamation mark. Then, the trailoffs read perfect as the drug makes effect. Oh, and you should add a period to each ellipsis, to make them trhee.
"What the fuck! What did... did you..."

Ten seconds later, his heart stopped beating.
Oh, well, Blatchford doesn't mess around, huh?

The intruder
If it's Tommy, and you already gave him a name, why don't you use it when Blatchford finds him? Else, you shouldn't even bother to name him, not even at the part from his pov.

the north end. He gave Wilson
Little typo: missing quotation mark to end Blatchford's dialogue line.

Wilson was trapped in Blatchford's violent behavior,
Someone just found out Santa was Uncle Ben in a red disguise

Wilson still had a few morals unsullied by his military training
I know the meaning of "unsullied", but I've never seen it used as a verb, always as an adjective. My dictionary agrees.

YouTube, Facebook and Twitter
I'd use "social networks" instead of the names, especially since there are other networks which may not be as famous, but have millions of users worldwide anyway.

normal in the sense that they remained alive
I'd have this between emm dashes instead of commas. Just saying.

the rest of their lives imprisoned in isolated sites like Guantanamo Bay
Oh, well, Wilson's morality is one of a kind. Guantanamo's thousand ways to step on human rights is okay as long as the prisoners are alive... for a while? Oh, wait. He's not against the tortures and the tiny cages, but feels for the tax millions. Really.

the body would sink to the bottom
See? This Wilson doesn't get that Blatchford does it all out of his secret greenpeace affiliation! He's helping sea species to thrive!

another, make-them-hate-me, edict of Colonel Blatchford
Like the I want my lawyer, I'd remove the commas. And replace the one before "another" with an emm dash.

Okay, you really need to go back to our meetings, JJ.
Here's a list of things to hyphen I spotted:
these data gathering instruments---> data-gathering
tarmac covered--->tarmac-covered
hand held radio---> hand-held
tank mounted Pegasus---> tank-mounted
time sensitive---> time-sensitive
military configured--->military-configured
red handed--->red-handed (later on you have it correctly hyphened)
drill Sergeant--->drill-Sergeant
bible thumper--->bible-thumper
Sierra sector fliers--->Sierra-sector
fact finding---> fact-finding
to the intruders, I need my lawyer routine --->to the intruders' I-need-my-lawyer routine
Arleigh Burke class guided missile destroyer---> I'm not sure here, there are like a hundred modifiers, but my bet is on Arleigh-Burke-class guided-missile destroyer
mandatory one week a month guard duty---> one-week-a-month

And there are some mandatory commas missing.
Here's the list of those I spotted:
"Well hello there stranger," ---> Well, hello there, stranger
"Yes Colonel. What have we got?" ---> Yes, Colonel.
Oh for fucks sake.---> Oh, for fuck's sake (loved this one! )
I can see right through you son.---> through you, son
Not on my watch you won't.---> Not on my watch, you won't.
he looked back at his accomplice who was staring glassy---> accomplice, who was
"No problem sir."---> No problem, sir

Okay, done with The Watchers. Lyle to come.

I don't know why I didn't like Wilson. He seems like... feeble for his post. Maybe he's a hell of a guy and a moral, straight one. But appointed at this weird place, with killing machines that are not even supposed to exist, to keep everybody away... I don't know. Somebody failed by sending him to the island. I mean, Blatchford's taste for killing under the grid seems more... fitting for me, considering their post. I don't know. Like Wilson seems too naïve. And I smell he's gonna mean trouble for Blatchford and the whole base.

I think it's already obvious I really liked this chapter, and it's good to go out and look around at other sides of the story.

I plan to do Lyle next week.

Hope you're having a great time!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey there, JJ!

Okay, let's see what The Twins is all about.

Question
Where's the place you describe at the beginning? Seems to be a part of her house, yet, such a detailed description suggests it's a whole new location.

a turquoise 1967 Shelby Cobra.
Oh, this is mentioned in chapter one.

Rho had made a few calls, and now Merci was on her way to assist in an ongoing archaeological dig. Things had worked out well.
Okay, so this far, you've mentioned she has to pack Rho's stuff for his lectures in Boston. At some other point it's said in such a way that it suggests she's going to Boston herself to be at least a few hours with him.

Then she mentions Simene she's going to Alaska.

And now this. The way you bring in this bit, after she mentions Alaska to Simene, makes it look as a whole new thing.

So Merci future whereabouts keep getting muddler and muddler.
Maybe she should tell Simene about Alaska right like this, mentioning Rho.

Roger
Hello, Roger, there you are at last!

I think his dialogue with Merci needs a little work.

this one was obviously major, I can't blame you for getting caught up."
Err, I think it's rather the other way around.
Considering this solar storm was massive, people monitoring these events should've been warned way ahead--I mean, you and I can read about them in advance, and we're just two dudes at different ends of the world. So he should've been able to warn Merci way ahead than usual.
So she can totally blame him for failing to warn her.

"Hang on," Roger said, preoccupied with another task.
You're telling this from Merci's pov, so you cannot know what he's doing during this pause, unless she hears some clear clue to let her guess.

...hear me out." Another pause, only background noise. "I'm sending a Google map to your phone.
In this situation, Roger saying "hear me out" made me expect some justification for his urgent request to go visit the twins. But nope, there's none.
Maybe a reordering of what he says next can fill in that gap, to give the "hear me out" a reason to be.

The Twins
I don't know why, but compared to the characters you've introduced this far, the twins don't feel real at all. Despite of the physical description, they still feel... thin.

The girls were so unique and compelling, she trusted them immediately.
There you have again your girl who doesn't trust people.
This far, all the people you mention entering her life--Rho, Simene, the twins--earn her trust right away.

Merci spilled her guts, leaving out no detail.
This is hard to buy, too.
I mean, you take a good deal of work trying to establish her as private person. Yet, at every step, you sort of refute it.

"You think these messages.''
                   "are buried in your subconscious,''
         "don't you?"

I think you need to punctuate the twins' dialogue lines to help keeping the flow.
Like:
"You think these messages..."
"...are buried in your subconscious..."
"...don't you?"

You know I'm old-fashioned. For me, ellipsis work way better than different indentation.

The girls giggled,
I don't know why, but I can't "see" them giggling. Identical twins with paranormal sensitivity, dealing with this kind of dark stuff... They should be a little broodier.
This is another thing that made me feel them "thin" as characters.

Okay, for one of your chapters, this still has a long way to go to match the previous ones I've read. I think you need to give more space to both Roger and the Twins. Bet that'll come in time and this is just a draft.

Oh, I almost forgot! Simene identifying the boat.
I still can't get why it's so important that he knows what kind of boat it was. I mean, my Latin teen son can tell every model and brand of fire arm he sees in a movie or TV show, just out of playing his games. So, identifying a military vehicle doesn't seem such a big deal.

I really like how you're linking the events with her mutation and with solar storms. It's an excellent idea.

And I'm really eager to go with her to Alaska and see what happens there.

So next week it's gonna be The Watchers!

Hope you had a great weekend. Have the best start of the week!

Read you around!

Hey, there, JJ! Here I am for another fix. This time is the first "possible chapter" included in this entry.

More Merci/Simene interaction is great news, so I gear up and on to it!

the realistic pencil drawing of a boat and the men aboard on the opposite page
At first reading, this reads like the men are on the opposite page.
Suggestion: the realistic pencil drawing on the opposite page, of a boat and the men aboard.

"Special operations?" another voice repeated.
That another voice reads as if somebody joined Simene and Merci and Simene didn't notice.

his eyes were bright with curiosity, glistening with--admiration.
I think the dash doesn't work here. If it's not quite admiration, you should say so--"glistening with something close to admiration" or something like that.

Inman's Island
It'd be nice something on the location, because not even Google has it

"I had another event last night," she began.
This pops out like out of the blue. They're talking about the Navy boat and that night when Merci and her uncle were intercepted, and then Merci says this.
I think their conversation needs to shift to the events before she says it. Doesn't need much. Simene can ask something at the end of his last lines, after the invasion bit. Maybe he looks down at the pages again and ask something like, "And these events you talk about... What about them? Do you still have them?" In your words, of course.

Wait. Right there. I'm checking chapter one. Oh, no, it wasn't Simene the one who was supposed to warn her about solar flares. It's one Roger I still haven't met.
Moving on.

After several long moments
I'm still bumped by your "several moments" here and there, since I don't think you can count something as vague as a moment.

"This boat came from that island—Inman's Island."
Ha! So it was there! Thanks!

"White enough to give Captain Ahab a woody, don't you think?"
I'm gonna write this one down and use it shameslessly!

pigmentation thing, but" he paused...
I think the ellipsis fell on the wrong place?

I might be able to help with some extra info on the island and the military presence there.
Once more, this shift on the conversation reads a little off. Mostly because Merci only showed Simene her diary, like, to share it with him and let him know more about her situation. But she never mentioned she wanted to know more about the military on the island.

on my top secret laptop equipped with a DVD burner.
Hum, it's been about five or seven years since all computers (desk or laptop) have a DVD burner as the standard CD reader.
Oh, by the way, your sponsor says hi--"top-secret"

Hard to explain, Can't explain.
You need to whether change the comma to a period or correct the capitalization.

She puzzled,
"puzzled" as a verb puzzled me. I mean, as a verb, it's like something puzzles somebody--surprises or confuses somebody. The other form is as the adjective. So this clause lacks something: Merci puzzled Simene or she was puzzled.

supernaturally spinning anomaly.
I think the "supernaturally" is almost redundant along with anomaly.

"Are we having fun yet?"
Ha! Gotta love Simene.

the first encounter with the demon and the old woman.
But... and what about her dream when she was a child? The one I liked so much in chapter one. Doesn't it count as "first encounter"?

Merci's watch suddenly chimed, and they both jumped.
I would've jumped like a frigging kangaroo, heart racing in my throat and teary eyes!

to cope with a demon in your head,
If Simene is into paranormal stuff, he would never hurry to state it's a demon, because it could be some other things, like a ghost. Unless Merci offers enough proof of it being really a demon.

Merci gazed through the wall of glass, looking out on the sound,
Err... what glass wall, and what sound?

a lot of mind bending things
This is a message from Hyphen Anonymous: Dear JJ, don't give up, we have your back.
mind-bending

in my life. Simene
Oops, typo: that period should be a comma.

My father taught me the essence of fear,
That suicide bastard...

I had to learn how to control fear
Have you ever read Frank Herbert's Dune? They have a great sort of prayer to achieve that. If you feel like it, take a look at it cos it's really good.
Look it up as "bene gesserit fear litany"

"If you're feeling the love, you might leave a little something-something on the kitchen table."
Simene is just great!

the odd-looking duo were off
Tricky. Duo refers to two something, but it's singular. So the duo was off.

olive-skinned Irish girl
Dude! It must take her years!

Her colorless tresses also demanded daily attention.
Dye won't work?

She thanked her father for his logic-instilled
Well, about that...

had smoked the weed
Not sure if you need the "the". Smoked weed sounds more like it, at least to me.

Her bloodline's physiological taste for the pungent herb hadn't skipped her generation completely
This would read better if you mentioned at least one or two of her grandparents smoked too. Else, if it was just her parents, "bloodline" and "generation" sound like a little too much. Plus, we readers still don't know about Merci's cousins, and she's an only child. So "her generation" would be only her. So it skipped her generation or it didn't, not enough family population for grays.

* sparsely used emotional crutch.
* the Mr. Wizard part of his brain
Guess what, your sponsor says

she was more than happy to grant his last minute plea.
Oh, I thought he was talking about some food treat!

Okay, and this would be it for one of the two possible chapters.
Personally, I think this totally belongs with "Simene", because it's all the same moment. And it's good to have them talking about Merci's life and the events, and finding that creepy coin, right after reading the diary excerpt.

And thus, I'm still lacking another possible chapter. If I don't die out of exhaustion (working eight nights straight is killing me, and I still have two more to go until my days off), I'll try to do "The Twins" before Monday, so we can start The Watchers next week.

Just in case it doesn't show: I like Simene more by the minute . It's such a great character! I think the key is that he brings information and humor to the situation.

I also like a lot hearing nowadays-Merci talk about her past with a friend. I don't know, it's good, bringing it out of her diary, hear her present-day voice about it.

Okay, off to sleep for a couple of hours, before my son comes back from school.

Hope you're having a great week!

Read you around!

Hey there, JJ!

Here I am for some good flashback to Merci's past.

Okay, first of all let me assure you I'm fine, I didn't have a stroke or anything, and the lack of comments or suggestions is just because I devoured the flashback and the two additional notes, and really didn't find anything else to comment on. I rather save your reading patience for the next google-word I find

So, here it is:

I can't remember exactly what was said because I was freaking out, but here's the gist of what happened next:
Oh but she does. The tale is very detailed. So I'd suggest to strike the bit about not remembering. Keep the freaking out bit and just get to tell the story.

This was getting good, like a Bruce Willis movie right in your face.
Ha! Loved this! I definitely like this girl more and more.

I love that phrase: from whence they came.
Swear I was going to copy+paste it to say exactly that: I love that phrase!

the air smelled like ozone again.
Blood smells like ozone. It made me wonder, especially on the second event, when she feels it in her mouth. Like, does she have blood in his mouth?

About the events
I think they really deserve a more detailed account. Else, they read like a bad dream and an sphincter problem.
Mention again the old lady or tell whatever she sees. Mention again the message. Like Merci wants to write it down to make sure it's the same frigging words and yeah, they are, shit, what's wrong with me. Tell more about her emotions, feelings, sensations about it. Make me feel the freaking weirdness of them.

They happen when she's about fifteen? The age is important.

By the way, I really love that it's somebody else talking.
I mean, here one can clearly read the character speaking. It's not you, the narrator. It's Merci. And that's priceless. Nothing like at the firs half, when Simene uses your exact words. She has a clear, loud voice of her own. And it's hooking, easy to read, fresh, it makes me feels she's a whole person to figure out.
The way she freaks but loves the incident with the military is great. And it reads as a teen.

It's very different to the other diary excerpt though. I like this one way better. The other one is more... serious, more contemplative. This is teen spirit in action.

And that would be it.

One question about what's left: it is supposed to be a whole new chapter meant to go between The Watchers and Roman, right?

Okay, I'm gonna sharp my knives for the next review. I don't want you to get lazy and comfy!

Hope you're having a great week!

Read you around!

Hi there, JJ!

Hope your visit trip went fine!
Here I am for the first part of chapter 5, to meet cool neerdy Simene.

This picks up straight where chapter 4 ended, so it's a smooth, nice transition. Excellent to induce a reading mood.

So on into it!

Rho had introduced Simene at a university Christmas party
I think this could use a "Rho had introduced her to Simene", unless Rho introduced him to the whole university community or a whole group of friends.
By the way, the idea of Merci at a university Christmas party sort of collides with the image of Merci being a fierce loner you're trying to install.

His nerdish, yet intelligent charisma quickly burrowed under her thick skin. Like Roman at their first meeting, this man was immediately intriguing.
You just spent a whole paragraph telling about how much Merci don't like people and keep them away and stuff. But actually, all the persons you mention related to her seem to be very close to her (dad, grandma, boyfriend, friend) and you clarify she let both Rho and Simene into her life pretty quickly.
So whether you shouldn't spend so much time trying to state she's a fierce loner because of her adventures with her father when she was a child. Or you should omit the fact that both Roman and Simene were so quickly accepted. The third option is a little editing to say Simene--maybe even Roman too--stood her "trials" to see if he was reliable and conquer her untrustring nature, and she finally accepted him.

University carbon dating laboratory
I think this should be hyphened, and/or capitalized: Carbon-Dating.

Even though Simene was a Mensa giant when it came to understanding the flow of electrons, his physical appearance suggested he might be a close kin of Napoleon Dynamite, or at the least, a shirttail relative of Alfred E. Newman. His Clarabelle-the-clown shock of charcoal.
Okay, this thing you have of writing only for Americans, maybe even only of a certain age, makes all this description for Simene completely meaningless for me. To get at least a slight idea of what you were talking about, I had to Google:

* Mensa
* Napoleon Dynamite
* Alfred E. Newman
* Clarabelle clown.

Which are way too many words for half a paragraph.

Point being, I'm not a genius, but I hold myself as an average+ cultured person, with a nice mind chest full of general information about history, geography, basic science, arts, politics, religion. Yet, while reading your story, I keep stumbling onto this kind of very local reference which drains any meaning of whole paragraphs.

If I were just a reader, at this point, I would just close the book and warn my friends, both here in my country and abroad, not to bother reading it because it's meant only-for-middle-age-Americans.

American culture is spread wide around the world, enough for us aliens to understand a lot of your codes and habits and all-American ways--hey, I live at the other frigging end of the world and never been to the States, not even for a short vacation. So all I know about American culture is due to literature, news, TV and movies.
Yet I'm writing a story set in Boston, and no American has ever detected this far I'm not a native. What's more, they go whaaaaat? wooooow! when they find out.

There are a lot of very local or very tech/specialized stories by American authors out there that can be enjoyed by people of all ages, all over the world, for decades or longer.

It's all about the kind of cultural references you use. Things like brands of chairs or popcorn are usually just too tied to a place and a time to work as a clear clue for people other than those who lived there and then.

Maybe ten years ago this didn't matter. Nowadays, the main stream for stories to go around is the internet, which means worldwide. So in terms of business, I don't know how many publishers would bet on a story aimed for such a small market like people able to identify a brand of popcorn or the cover boy of a humor magazine--compared to the world population with access to ebooks as potential customers.

I mean, I can very well have a character say to another, "Don't play Laura Ingalls on me". But I gotta keep in mind that everybody under forty nowadays (and they're at least a few, so I've heard) don't have the slightest idea who the hell Laura Ingalls was. Or that same ignorant few will take any reference to Charlie's Angels as related to Cameron Diaz movies. Even when I'm talking about two major TV hits that aired for years all over the world.

Just saying.

Not to mention that, for example, the images I'm browsing under "Clarabelle clown" shows a bald dude with a punkish orange little tomahawk. So His Clarabelle-the-clown shock of charcoal hair makes me think of some imponent mane, and turns out it's not.

And if you're gonna say: He had a slight gap in his front teeth, prominent ears, radiant blue eyes that stared through wire-rimmed glasses, and was rarely seen without a tootsie pop hanging from his lips, you really don't need to confuse not-middle-aged-American readers mentioning one Alfred E. Newman, because you give this description right after the mention. And for those who know who the heck Alfred E. Newman is, it may read redundant.

Appearances aside—Simene was a whiz kid.
This reads more like Appearances aside (Simene was a whiz kid) than Appearances aside, Simene was a whiz kid, which I think is what you mean.

His studio apartment was stacked with eviscerated circuit boards and scavenged shells of the latest over-the-counter communication devices.
Ha! This is just such a great description of a place!

For Merci, that last revelation alone stamped an indelible message on Simene's forehead: to be used at a later date.
Dude, this is cold. It portrays Merci as actually a cold manipulative person who only lets people close if they can be somehow useful. Which also stains her supposed love for Rho. I mean, I'm not naive, nobody lets people in if not useful somehow, at least to keep us some funny company. But people usually resent being reminded of that part of human nature, and single out those who openly embrace it as "cold manipulative sons of bitches."

"Good to see you too, buddy," Simene said to the cat cradled in his arms.
Seeing Merci at the door, he climbed the steps with a toothy grin. "Hey, kiddo."
This should be all in the same paragraph, since it's all Simene.

He quickly stored the weird sensory data
"Stored" make this read as if Simene were a robot.

one of his crazy breakthroughs, which was likely unethical, illegal, or both.
I'm liking Simene more by the minute!

Okay inspector gadget,
Missing comma after okay. And if you mean Inspector Gadget the cartoon character, it should be capitalized.

communication devices
You use this twice within a few paragraphs, once in narrative, once as Simene's words. So the repetition stands out, and it sort of weakens his characterization, because he uses your exact words as narrator.

57-Cadillac-grille grin''...and
Missing space before the quotation mark.

The iPad gives it function and a big screen. The iPhone provides the rudimentary communication circuits, and the iPod serves as a memory core.
This looks like an Apple ad, explaining how their cutting-edge tech can be used to create even more cutting-edge devices.

Of course it no longer performs math functions, plays music, utilizes cell phone technology, or allows one to download the latest best seller. But it does perform quite nicely as an integrated satellite driven audiovisual communication system.
I think you don't need to list the many functions of the different devices--unless your sponsored by Apple, of course. Plus, remember Skype brought video phone calls from scifi to everyday life. And any phone with internet access has, as a matter of fact, some sort of satellite connection (since satellites are what provide coverage signal to the antennas system on the ground). So the "integrated satellite-driven audiovisual communication system" is kind of a too-long, too-complicated name for a regular smartphone--which would made people Simene's age, used to this kind of device, wonder why would Simene even bother to put up something you can purchase whenever you want with a click.

the display lit up, and Simene's image glowed in full color.
"Wow," Merci said. "Is this real time?"
Now this part is confusing.
It reads as if Merci is capturing Simene with the device's front camera, like about to shoot a video or a picture of him. But that shouldn't need anything but the device being turned on--no camera needs satellite connection to shoot a picture. To make it a real-time communication, Simene would need to have another similar device, which you don't mention. Or the house would need a cctv the devices hacks into, to show Simene through one of the cameras.

"My god, this thing is amazing," she squealed, touching her nose, as did the tiny image on Simene's device.
If I said this at such a thing, my 17-year-old son would roll his eyes and say, "It's called Skype, Mom."

life in GITMO
If you mean Guantánamo, you don't need to have it all capitalized.

Cheer up kiddo,
Missing comma before kiddo.

You never know what's lurking in the wilderness
Wait, the only possible destination you mentioned is Boston, where she's going to meet Rho--wilderness?

the strange vibrations emanating from the house
If Simene has some kind of empathy or special sensitivity to environment vibes, you should clarify it.

The demonstration had to be embarrassingly real
This reads as if Merci had any control over the events.

leather bound journals
Missing hyphen: leather-bound journals.

titled, Merci at Fourteen, in front of Simene
No commas needed before and after the title of the diary.

headed toward the bathroom."
Typo: that quotation mark is not needed there.


Okay, I'm gonna pause here, before the excerpt of Merci's diary.

One thing about chapters order. Since you started off with Merci and jumped to Sam right at the next chapter, I didn't expect to go back to Merci and stay so long with her. If the story is going to be like this, two or three Merci chapters and one about other characters, maybe you should balance it from the beginning, to set the right pace. Else, the reader expects to go back to Sam or meet new characters at other locations.

All in all, Simene seems a rich, interesting character, came as a promise to be a key, to find out more about Merci through their friendship and interaction. He's a great addition to the story, with his fresh, geek ways, and the plot gains a great flow with him onboard, showing us that part of Merci that's not a fierce loner, wandering naked in the woods with her cat as she harbors sex fantasies about her travelling boyfriend.

So I'll be back soon to keep going with this chapter, for another flashback into Merci's past.

Read you around!

Okay, late but not lost, here I am to finish chapter 3!

On to it:

the guest house
I think a tiny mention to Grandmother being already dead--maybe even for how long--wouldn't hurt. I thought Merci was about to meet her at the guest house.

becoming the Wraith of Wing Point.
Oh, a little aha moment?

One particular friend loved the house, not only for its visual aesthetics, but for the fabulous hidden place buried beneath its Rockwellian facade. She had shown the secret underground shelter to her friend Simene out of necessity
At first read, the "she had shown" seems to refer to "one particural friend", since it's been a couple of sentences since you last mentioned Merci. Then Simene comes up, a name you've mentioned on ch.1, and I understood "she" was Merci. But it forced me to make a mental correction that meant a slight bump on the reading.

The underground lab
First you say Merci is studying archeology--a career everybody relates more to digging in the desert or the jungle, mud up the knees and funny brushes to clean old bones than to labs; that or Indiana Jones, and both pictures fit this wild image of Merci you're building.
Then you say Simene turned the shelter into a small lab. So I assumed it was for his own purposes--he might be a crazy chemist, a genius inventor, whatever. This far, things fit.
But then you say Merci asked him to do it, and that they know each other from college.
So the whole thing about Merci having a lab under the guest house is a little... blurry. Unless she's on Walt White's steps and runs a meth lab down there.
Point being: since you tell so much about the lab, it should be nice to find at least a mention about what she needs it for.

sensory moments, She grabbed
little typo, that comma should be a period.

but Merci was preoccupied.
Merci stopped before a wall fronted
"She" would read smoother instead of the second "Merci".

An old rocking chair sat in the middle of all the splendid foliage. Beside it stood a two-foot-tall block of granite topped by a plain white porcelain urn.
She's got granny out in the open, in the yard? Rain, wind, and all?

but was repelled by the malignant, dogmatic, dark side of organized religion.
Wait, it's just financial politics! it's called capitalism!

A sated Mandela sat on the breakfast table cleaning tuna
Hum, missing comma before "cleaning".

The visit to the guest house:
Nice, informative. I liked the Khrushchev touch

she would not be able to join him until after his lecture tour around Boston
Wait. Earlier in the chapter, you say:
Getting Roman's wardrobe ready for his four-day lecture tour in Boston was her most pressing chore today. Even though she would miss his loving embrace by at least six hours, a well-ordered suitcase would be ready for his new assignment.
This suggests he's dropping by to pick it up, or she's taking it to Boston. No matter how, this suggests they're meeting before his Boston lectures. But then they won't?


Overall thought on the chapter:
All in all, the feeling of "only an informative chapter" remains. I've read Merci's diary, watched her picture on the wall, learned about Rho, learned about granny, visited the guest house, learned about the lab, visited granny's ashes, wandered about, fed the cat.

The narrative flows well, your style shines through. It's a very proper chapter.

There are a couple of sentences that felt way too long for my telegraphic guts--like A sated Mandela sat on the breakfast table cleaning tuna off his whiskers and watching a squadron of Anna's hummingbirds flit from flower to flower on a thicket of late blooming Rhododendrons (one comma, please!)--but you're getting me used to those, so it's okay.

This could be a wonderful first chapter about Merci, because it's like a camera moving slowly around to let us know about Merci, her past, her place, her father, her boyfriend, her granny, her friend Simene. There's a lot of interesting information about her. But it's a turn off after introducing the character in such a stressful and intriguing situation like chapter 1. Like setting a train in motion at high speed--towards a hard wall.

The lack of any link to what happens--you don't even quote the mysterious message again--adds to some loose ends:
Why on earth is a secret lab down there, set up by two archeology students.
That thing about Merci "preocuppied" but you never really bring it up. She goes around, takes a look at the lab, grins at Nikita, leaves. Doesn't seem preocuppied.
That apparent contradiction about whether Merci's meeting Rho or not for his Boston lectures.
Plus there's this thing about Granny's urn in the open, in such a harsh weather as Washington's, which reads plain creepy weird just because.

Again. I'd love this as the first chapter about Merci. Personally, I think that once you pushed her down the stairs with that event, you yourself left no room for strolling around the woods and revisiting diaries. When you introduce a character like you did with her, you make a reader give a flying damn about her background, save short mentions to explain what's happening now.

See you don't do this with Sam. You introduce him, give a flashback, bring Great Oz to the stage, hint questions. You get things started. But in such a way that next time I meet Sam, I'm open to read about his crew arriving, or he pondering alone about this new mission over a beer, or some action. Any of it will be fine, because of how you set things at his first chapter.

Take, for example, disaster blockbusters, or Stephen King's apocalyptic stories. They start off introducing the characters, show them in their usual environment, doing their everyday things, hint or disclose things about their past. And then The Thing happens, and swells on them like a frigging tsunami, and they have to struggle to keep their heads out of the water. No time for pausing and ramble around about the past or the surroundings. It's time for action.

Merci's event in chapter one is plain action. And the message at the end of it demands continuity.

So I'll leave you to ponder about it, and maybe hate me about it, until you have a chance to get back at me.

Hope you're enjoying your trip, and wish you have a great week visiting your friends!

Read you around!