porcelaindoll's (porcelaindoll) Reviews

porcelaindoll

Review Requests: OFF

30 Public Reviews Given

111 Total Reviews Given

1

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#2599377

Review of White Glass

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Title:

Here on writing.com there are thousands of different pieces of writing out there and there's no possible way to read all of them, so while I'm searching for something to read, the first thing I take note of is the title. If I find the title captivating I'll be more likely to read that particular work. It's superficial, I suppose, but really if you want your work to be noticed it has to be eye catching. Your title, White Glass, was one of those titles that compelled me to open the link and read your work. Good job. You don't want a dull title even if you have a really excellent piece of writing. It may go unnoticed. I don't think that will be the case with your poem.

Structure:

After the title, the next thing I notice is the physical structure of the poem. Again, it's a superficial thing, but an attractive poem is more likely to grab my attention over something that's messy and has no apparent cohesion. I really like the attention you paid to the structural aspects of your poem. Not only did you center each line, but you italicized the whole poem. Some poems don't work when they're italicized. I think it sometimes draws away from the words and the content of the poem, but I don't feel that's the case here. I actually think the italics enhance the quality of your poem. When I think of glass I see something clear and crisp and that's the feeling I get when I look at the structure of your poem. For me it was a nice connection between the glass in the title and the physical appearance of the poem. Nicely done.

Grammar:

The next thing I look at in a poem is the grammar. I sometimes think grammar is subjective when we write poems or really any piece of writing. I, myself, don't always stick to the rules. I use incomplete sentences sometimes or run on sentences for dramatic effect, so I don't always like to nit pick at someone else's grammar. However, I will point out that you did misspell one word. You wrote "dilluted" when it's really "diluted." Nothing major. We all make those mistakes. :)

Content:

Now onto the meat of your work. Your poem is very short and simple. It's not packed with overly complicated imagery or even anything overly dramatic and I think that's what makes it such a nice read. Some works need that extra bit of drama, that extra something to make them work, but that's not the case here. Your short and gentle phrasing is what makes it powerful. Your lines flow one into another so smoothly and delicately, creating some very nice imagery in the mind of the reader.

Some of my favorite lines were as follows:

"A soul on fire" Your words here are simple and yet the image you create by pairing together "soul" and "fire" is very strong.

"A protruding scent" I think this is probably my favorite line in the poem. You take two unlikely words and put them together to create a new and interesting image. It gives the reader something to think about and the image is such a strong one it almost becomes something tangible, something the reader can reach out and touch, smell, experience first hand. Nicely done.

Weak Points:

I only have two criticisms here, one I already addressed in the Grammar section, so I won't bother repeating myself here. The other is in regards to the phrase "mope is muted." It's only my opinion of course, but I thought the phrasing was a little....not bad... just a little strange for me. I don't know. I just don't think it flows as well as the rest of the poem. I think it might be because of one "M" followed quickly be another "M." Sometimes little things like that can throw off a line, at least for me. Ultimately you're the one who has to be satisfied. I'm just offering up an opinion. :)

Overall Impression:

All in all, I thought this was a well thought out, well written poem. You've maintained an elegant sophistication throughout your work. You create some nice images with your words. Nicely done.

2

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#1773599

Review of Drowning

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi bluebird. Your poem has been sitting my my forum forever now. I apologize. I recently returned to college and I haven't had much time to dedicate to writing.com, but I'm here now.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I thought your title Drowning was a good choice for this poem. It's simple, yet deceptive. The reader may choose to read this poem thinking it will be about one thing, when in fact it has a completely different tone and theme to it. Nicely done.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I usually like to see stanza's that are fairly uniform or have some sort of pattern to them because it creates a smoothly flowing poem. Yours doesn't flow like a regular poem, but I see you have it advertised as being written in lyric format, so I won't suggest you change the format. The one thing I might suggest is in the last couple of lines. I really did like the "Mold me, Make me...."etc.., but it sticks out so much further from the rest of the poem, that it looks a little awkward. I wouldn't suggest changing the words at all, but I would suggest breaking it up into two shorter lines. It will flow the same, but it will look a little less choppy.

Grammar/Punctuation:

Nothing wrong that I can see.

Content:

I liked your poem. You did a nice job of creating some good imagery. I also liked the Christian theme woven througout the poem. It's typical to associate Christian themes with water/rebirth/baptism etc, but you did a nice job of expressing this theme in a new/different way. Good job.

Favorite Lines:

Misty despair embraces me

I thought this was a great line. I like the meloncholy air you create between the words misty and despair. Nicely done.

I’m just Eve in this angel’s clothing,

This is another nice line. Again good imagery and I like the way you bring in your theme in a more subtle way with Eve. Good job.

Suggestions:

I only have one and I already mentioned that in the format section, so moving right along...

Overall Impressions:

All in all this was a nicely written poem. You do a good job of expressing yourself clearly and with some good imagery. I like the way you weave your theme througout the poem. It's a deeply spiritual and personal poem. You do a good job of connecting with your reader. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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3

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#1705354

Review of Affair in My Office & Other Comic Poetry

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hey revdbob. I'm just getting around to my review forum now...been having computer trouble. Sorry for the delay.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I thought your title An Affair in my Office was both expressive and intriguing. It made me want to dive right into the poem. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I usually like to see author's play around with their poems and center them or right align them, but in this case, I think the simpler format is just what your words need. The poem speaks for itself and needs no embellishment. Good job.

Grammar/Punctuation:

I only found two minor issues that needs correcting.

An impulse to go back and catch in the act

I think you meant: catch it in the act

Tightly against it the better to hear,

In this line, you need a comma to separate the first half of the line from the second.

Tightly against it, the better to hear

Content:

I thought this was a well-written poem. Clearly you put a lot of effort into writing this. It flows well, it's fun to read and you do a good job of pulling the reader into your story. I also like how you incorporated italics into your poem. I think this serves to emphasize some words and really adds a little oomph to the poem. Good job.

Favorite Lines:

Waiting, I knew it, waiting and baiting

I like this line a lot. I can almost feel how overwhelmed and anxious the speaker is from this line. I also like the mini-rhyme scheme within the line. Good job.

I knew it was on--no lie! Yes, a fact!

Another good line. It flows fast and furious and I like how it really portrays the speaker so vividly. I can almost see and feel beads of perspiration on the speaker's forhead. Good job.

And this I can't credit--I think I'm a nutter--

This is also a good line. I like your choice of nutter. It adds a sort of playful quality to the line. Good job.

Suggestions:

Nothing that I can think of.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, this was a pleasant surprise for me. I enjoyed it very much and I can see why you were rewarded for your efforts. You do a good job of weaving an entertaining story with your words and rhymes. Great imagery was used as well. Good job. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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4

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#1687971

Review of Dying

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello irish. I'm just now getting around to your poem in my forum. I apologize for the delay.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I thought your title Dying was, quite clearly, an appropriate title for your poem. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I usually like to see fancier formats, but given the tragic subject matter of your poem, I think the format that you've chosen fits quite nicely. Good jobe.

Grammar/Punctuation:

Nothing wrong here that I noticed.

Content:

I thought your poem was well-written. You took a dark subject matter and made it a good read. You handled it well and expressed yourself in an open, honest manner. I like how it was from the first person perspective. That seemed to add a deeper, more personal touch to it. Good job.

Favorite Lines:

Candle at the bottom of its wax.

I like the imagery you've created here with your words. Very nicely done.

And the flame wavered into oblivion.

Again, great imagery. I liked your choice of words like wavered and oblivion. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

Nothing that I can think of here.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, this is a good poem. It's a touching read. I think you really connect with your reader through your very expressive words. Nice job. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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5

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#1687762

Review of Long Last Said

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello darkwonder. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to review your poem. I've been away from writing.com for a little while and am just now getting around to my review forum. I'm a terrible girl, what can I say?

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I thought your title Long Last Said was definitely unique. I often see titles that are too commonplace and I think that detracts from the poem. This was not the case here. Your title was phrased differently and I liked it.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. This is where I found your poem to be somewhat lackluster. Your poem was very inconsistent in its format. I like the fact that you divided it into stanzas, but they were inconsistent. I noticed that you seemed to have a pattern at work here, but then seemed to lose it. You started out with a stanza of 4 lines, then 6, then back to 4. I thought this was a good idea, changing around the style of the stanzas, but then you get to stanza 5 and suddenly you have 7 lines. So you go from 6 lines, to 7 lines, then back to 4. It just looks a little awkward on the screen. Another thing I noticed was line length. I noticed that your lines vary significantly. You have some short lines and some really long one's that reach across the page. I think this throws off the equilibrium, as well as the overall flow of the poem. Not every line in the poem has to be of equal length, but there should be some pattern to the lengths you choose.

For example:

line line line
line line line line
line line line
line line line line

or

line line line
line line line
line line line
line line line line

or

line line line
line line line
line line line line
line line line line

Or any other pattern you can come up with, just as long as there is some uniformity to it. I think this will allow your words to be read more smoothly.

Grammar/Punctuation:

I found one or two minor mistakes in your grammar.
I will highlight in red the areas that need your attention.

There were times in this life

where a man could feel

The problem here is with the word where. You are referring to specific points in time, so you should use the word when. If you were saying something like There were places in this life...., then it would be appropriate to use the word where

You can not be gone

This is really one word, not two.

Content:{/u

Putting aside grammar and format, you have good content. I think you are a thoughtful and capable writer. You know how to express yourself to your reader and you know how to bring your reader into your world. I think this is a poem that anyone can relate to. It is realistic and honest.

Favorite Lines:

Sadness is merely the breath

of the upright corpse of still nothingness

I think these were the two strongest lines in the poem. Your words flow beautifully, as well as tragically. I truly believe that a single word can change the overall content and structure, as well as flow of a line. I think you really chose the right words for these lines. You create powerful imagery with words such as merely, breath, corpse, and nothingness. Nicely done.

but the silence holds the answer

as the question stretches infinitely into the horizon

Again, you have chosen the right words to create some strong imagery. I like that these two lines ended the poem. They are soft, gentle and poetic. Very nicely done.

Suggestions:

I already tackled this in the format section, so I'll just leave it at that.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, I think this is a well-written poem. You know how to express yourself using some very imaginative phrases and ideas. I think the format needs a little work, but that doesn't take away from your ability to express yourself. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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6

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#1678182

Review of Paper Bag

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi there, Konstantine. Your poem has been sitting in my review forum for ages now. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to read it. I haven't been around writing.com lately for many reasons, so now I'm trying to catch up on my forum.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I think your title Paper Bag is a great title. It catches the reader's attention immediately and it stands out amongst all the other titles out there. It makes the reader want to dive right in and found out where the title comes from. Great job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. You have a great format going on there. I usually like to see poems with a little flare to them like centering of the words or adding colored font, but sometimes simple is better. Sometimes, the words can speak for themselves so much so that any added oomph really detracts rather than adds to the poem. I think your style is very simple, yet elegant. It works well with what you have to say. Your poem is clearly one where the words are the most important thing and they, themselves, grab the reader right from the start. Good job.

Grammar/Punctuation:

All in all, you have very few errors. I found just a couple teeny tiny minor things that I will highlight in red for you.

Once on a paper torn from is notebook

Should read: his

The only other issue I saw was in the first line. In each stanza you have the phrase he wrote a poem written directly under the first line of each stanza, except for the first stanza. For some reason it's right aligned next to the first line. I'm assuming that wasn't your intention.

Other than that, great job with the grammar.

Content:

I enjoyed your poem greatly. I think it was well thought out and well written. It is a deep poem full of emotion and imagery. I think you're very good at expressing yourself and drawing your readers into your words.

Favorite Lines:

And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star

I liked these lines because they are simple, yet expressive and I believe that all of your readers can truly relate to them. I remember those little gold stars when I was a kid.

And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Great lines. Again, simple yet expressive. I felt a little pang in my gut when I read these lines. I think it was something I could really relate to....a parent being angry when all you want is his/her attention and affection. Well done.

and a slash on each damned wrist

This line right here is, I believe, the strongest one in the whole poem. Sometimes a sentence is just a sentence and sometimes it's so much more. I truly believe that the addition of one word can sometimes change the entire emotional content of a sentence. I think this line is so powerful because of the word damned. Just by adding that one word, you've created an emotionally charged sentence full of imagery and meaning. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

I have none.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, this is a very well written piece of writing. It was a pleasure to read. Good job.

Write on!

porcelaindoll

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7

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#1550474

Review of untitled...for now

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there cabby. I found your poem while surfing through the static items pages. Please, don't be discouraged by the rating I'm giving you. You, yourself, stated it's a first draft. I see a good poem here, but it's a little rough. I hope I can help you improve it in some way or other.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I like your title sorry. I think it is short and sweet and appropriate to the poem. It will make your reader want to know what it is the speaker of the poem is sorry about. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I see you have three stanzas. I think you were right to divide it up into stanzas. A lot of authors don't and I, quite frankly, think that hinders a poem. Your format is pretty simple, nothing fancy, but as your poem stands right now I don't think it needs to be overly fancy. However, when you do a second draft, if you do, I would recommend playing around with different things. You could right align the poem or try centering it. Give it a little oomph, a little personality.

Grammar/Punctuation:

I noticed a few errors in the body of your poem. I noticed you did not capitalize the word I at all throughout the poem. Normally I would suggest changing that, but seeing as you did not use any capitals in your poem, I think this works with the overall style of the poem. I did, however, notice a lack of apostrophes where needed.

im sorry that i love you

Should be i'm.

im sorry that i want you

Again, should be i'm.

i tasted you lips for the first time on sunday

Should be your

but for now im caged here

Again, should be i'm.

gah this is hard, i cant think of an ending

Should be can't

Content:

Your poem is short, but straight forward. You don't use too many complicated thoughts or lines and I think this might be a slight weakness for you. I would try drawing more from imagery than just flat out stating something. You say things like but for now i sit. I think if you were to try and make this more imaginative and use more descriptive words, you would connect more with the readers. Really paint a strong picture for them.

Also, your length of lines is really inconsistent. The first stanza is beautifully consistent. The lines are almost exactly the same length. In the second stanza the first line is significantly longer than the remaining lines and the same can be said of the last line of the last stanza. This actually throws off the equilibrium and flow of your poem. It's ok to have lines that are longer than other lines, but as long as you have an established pattern.

Example Patterns:[/c}

line line line
line line line line line line
line line line

or

line line line line line
line line line
line line line line line

or

line line line
line line line
line line line line line

What I am saying is, make a pattern within your stanzas. You can vary the length of lines and syllables per line as long as you stick to some pattern and it doesn't interfere with the flow of your words.

Suggestions:

I have already discussed some suggestion for you throughout this review, but this last suggestion is in regards to the last line of your poem:

gah this is hard, i cant think of an ending

I know that coming up with lines for poetry, especially the first and last lines, is rather difficult. My suggestion to you: Don't give up and don't just write that you can't think of anything. Write anything, even if it's really really bad. If you have a rudimentary idea, you can work with it. You can turn it from bad to better to good to spectacular. That's the purpose of first drafts. You look at them to see what works and what doesn't and you go from there. You can't make something from nothing. So try your best, even if you don't like your best.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, I do think you need some work on this poem, but like you said, it's only a first draft and first drafts often need work. I think you have a good skeleton here and I think you can come up with some good meat to stick to those bones. Just be persistent and work with using more descriptive lines and images. Paint pictures for your readers.

Write on!

porcelaindoll

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#1548700

Review of Give Words Time

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello there Ann Ticipation. I found your poem while searching through the static items page, and thought I'd take some time to read and review it.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I was immediately intrigued by not only your title (Give Words Time), but also by your descriptive line. It caught my attention because I've always had a hard time writing poetry and sometimes I get frustrated and feel like I hate it, even though I really don't. At any rate, I felt I could completely relate to both the title and your description. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I like that your poem is short and sweet, but I think your format doesn't do justice to the actual words. Personally, I think if you were to center the whole poem, it would give it a little more character. The poem would really jump out on the page and shout out to your reader.

Grammar/Punctuation:

I found one major grammar issue in your poem and it was contained within the first two lines of your poem:

I heard someone say they don’t like poetry,

But I hope they will not close their mind

There was one main error which lead to improper structure within these two lines. I highlighted in red the trouble areas. In the first sentence you say someone which is singular. From there you use words such as they and their, which are both plural, but then you say mind which is, in fact, singular. You keep switching between singular and plural. You need to fix that.

Content:

The content of your poem is good. You are expressive and good with words. You create some nice images within your lines.

Favorite Lines:

It may be a start, a bone of contention

This is a well-written line. I particularly liked the bone of contention image. Very nice.

May herald thoughts that lead to invention

Good line. I like the flow and the imagery. Nice.

Suggestions:

I have one suggestion for you regarding your poem. I noticed that lines 5-12 contain a very strict rhyme scheme which I thought was really good. It worked well for your poem, but then the first four lines of your poem don't rhyme at all. I think this throws off the flow of your poem. I would try rhyming those first 4 lines in the pattern of your rhyme scheme.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, I thought this was a well-written poem. You seem to be an expressive individual and I enjoyed your poem quite a bit. I would re-examine your format and rhyme scheme, but other than that great job! Write on!

porcelaindoll

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9

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#1548410

Review of Past the Whispering Willows

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello there, Starleafgirl. I came across your poem in my review forum and thought I'd take some time on this cold, snowy Monday to review it.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I liked your title: Past the Whispering Willows. This is a unique title and one that immediately grabbed my attention. It is a peaceful, soft, flowing title and I like that a lot. I have a couple of willow trees in my front yard and I adore them. Your title made me think of them in the spring flowing, spidery branches. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I liked your format quite a bit. I liked how you chose to take a rather mundane format and make it something special, something rather eye-catching by use of indentation. Such a simple technique, yet it does wonders for the visual aspect of a poem. Good job.

Grammar/Punctuation:

Nothing wrong here that I could detect.

Content:

I thought this poem was very nicely written and a fine tribute to U.S. history. You have used good descriptions and words to create nice imagery. You are quite adept at expressing yourself and making the reader feel like a part of your poem. The lines all have good flow to them, as well. Good job.

Favorite Lines:

And a sigh in his eye and chest

I thought this was a well written and very descriptive line. Good job.

Through the tall grasses that whip,

Again, nice line. I like the imagery created by tall grasses that whip. Good job.

Sunlight bleeding down on all

This is my favorite line of all. I really like your choice of words and how they interact with one another within the sentence. I especially liked your choice of bleeding. I think this creats a very powerful image in such a small sentence. Often, that is a difficult thing to do. Nice job.

Suggestions:

Nothing here that I can think of.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, this is a well written poem. I thought you were very expressive with your thoughts and words. You do a find job of bringing your reader into a small, but important, piece of U.S. history. Historical poems are difficult to write because no one living today was there at this time in history and so it makes it difficult to express emotions and to connect with the reader, but I think you did yourself a fine job. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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10

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#1544695

Review of Time of Five

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there! I was away from writing.com for a couple of weeks, so I am just now getting around to my review forum posts. I apologize for the delay.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I definitely liked your title: Time of Five. I think it's creative, unique and very intriguing. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I liked your format quite a bit. I am a sucker for a centered poem, but not all poems work when centered. I think yours does. I usually prefer to see a poem divided into stanzas, but I think that in this case, your poem would be hindered by separation. I think it works as it is. Good job.

Grammar/Punctuation:

I found only one grammar error that really stuck out:

Commandeering it's instruments

The word in red is where the problem lies. I know a lot of people, when giving reviews, point out apostrophes in possessive forms of words. We have all received those reviews. I know I have. Now an apostrophe in a possessive word would be something like The boy's hat fell off his head. The way you are using it's is incorrect. This form is the contraction of it is. Don't is the contraction of do not. This just means that two words are being condensed into one shorter word and held together by the apostrophe. This is the case with it's. Your sentence as is translates as: Commandeering it is instruments, clearly not what you intended. Its, minus the apostrophe, is the possessive form of the word and would be appropriate in this particular sentence.

Content:

I thought your poem was a good read. It's entertaining and very well expressed. You have some nice lines with some strong imagery woven throughout.

Favorite Lines:

Stretching new limbs

This line is short, but the words you have chosen and the short structure of the sentence contribute to its powerful imagery. Good job.

May sip or drink first love

Again, short, but powerful in imagery and expression. Good job.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, I think this is a well written, well thought out poem. You are a very expressive individual. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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#1543901

Review of Bloodstained Kisses

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi there. I'm just getting around to the many posts in my forum. I have been away from writing.com for a couple of weeks. Sorry for the delay.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I think Bloodstained Kisses is a very good title. It grabs the reader's attention and makes the reader want to dive right into the poem. Good job.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I see you have 6 stanzas each with 4 lines. The equal number of lines/stanza keeps the poem well balanced, but I did notice that some of the lines are much longer than others and this throws off the equilibrium a little bit. I would work on making the lines a little more even. This will help the flow as well as make it look cleaner.

Grammar/Punctuation:

Nothing wrong here that I can detect. Good job.

Content:

I think you are very good at expressing yourself. In situations such as these, it is always good to turn to writing. It is a good way to get things out in the open, to express yourself, to cleanse your soul. I think there are a lot of people out there who can relate to these words. Good job.

Favorite Lines:

Time may stop,
And your memory could fade.
But for me, it’s always there,

Very nice lines. There are full of emotion and very well expressed. Good job.

Overall Impressions:

All in all, this is a very thought-provoking poem. You draw your reader into your world and allow them to see the darker side of life. You are good at putting your emotions into words. Good read. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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#1543891

Review of His Angel of the Morning

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello there Raven! Life sort of got in the way the past couple of weeks so I haven't been as faithful to my review forum as I would have liked. I apologize for taking so long to get to your poem.

Title:

The first thing I look at in a poem is the title. The title should be unique to the item. It is the first thing a potential reader will see when surfing around writing.com for a good read, so you want it to be eye-catching, something that will stand out. I definitely liked your title. His Angel of the Morning is a captivating title. My only complaint is that I ended up getting a song by a similar name stuck in my head.

Format:

The next thing I look for in a poem is the format. I think of the format as the skeleton of the poem. The words, themselves, are the flesh and blood of the poem. The flesh and blood cannot stand on their own. They need a firm skeleton to hold them together. That is where the format comes in. It should be just as unique and special as the words themselves. The format is what will give your poem its unique style, its own personality and character. It will allow your poem to stand out on the page and grab the reader's attention long before your actual words do. I like your format. I think it's clean and simple, but to be honest, I'd like to see you do something a little different. I really enjoyed this poem and I think your words deserve a little more attention. I think if you were to center your poem and perhaps italicize it, you would be creating something a little more unique, a little more captivating. Your poem is too good to stand as it is. I think this is a good format for a shorter poem or even a less detailed poem, but because of the subject matter and the emotional content, I think it would stand out better in the center of the screen. Just my opinion.

Grammar/Punctuation:

Overall, your grammar is very good. I did find one line that I was concerned with.

Enthralled in the sharing, we lover's respite.

This line didn't flow well for me. The word respite is a noun and it seems almost like you're trying to use it as a verb here. If you are intending it as a noun, then I think you should consider changing "we" to "a". Again, just a suggestion.

Content:

This was a very well written poem. You express yourself beautifully through your words and images. You draw the reader in and keep his/her attention throughout the poem and that is a difficult thing to do. Good job!

Favorite Lines:

First seconds alone, calm and eloquent,

This is a very nice, serene line. Well expressed. Good job!

Loud and serene, like the morning dove

Great line. I love "morning dove". It's a beautiful and peaceful image. Good job!

Overall Impressions:

Overall, great poem! This is a lovely tribute for someone you obviously care for very much. The reader feels the emotion in your words. Very nice. Great read. Write on!

porcelaindoll

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#1523153

Review of Pledge of Love

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This was a lovely poem. I enjoyed reading it. I will give you my impressions, one by one.

Title:

I always look to see if a title is eye-catching, descriptive, and appropriate to the work. Pledge of Love is a good title. It caught my attention on the review request page. Nice job.

Format:

I feel that the format is just as important as the actual content of an item. The content is really the body, or flesh, of your work, but the format is the skeleton, what holds it all in place. I think it should garner as much attention as the content. It should make allow your poem to define itself amongst all the other poems out there. I think your format is a little lacking that department. I'd like to see this separated based on your verses. I think you should try centering it, as well. You have lovely words and emotions in this poem, but you are doing them little justice presenting them this way. You might want to play with the font color too. Give it a sense of style. Make it eye-catching, captivating.

Grammar:

Nothing wrong here that I can see. Good job.

Content:

You have a nice way with words. I like your ability to express yourself. You have woven some nice imagery into your lines. The overall rhythm of the poem is smooth, and the words flow right off the reader's tongue.

Favorite Lines:

Like a quick morning's rain, they come with a tear. (very nice image)

As a first breath of life, a wine, you will savor (Again, nice imagery, good flow)

Very nice poem.

Suggestions:

The overall flow of your poem is smooth, but I did find it faltered a little in one or two areas:

Our endless love shimmers, like flowers made of gold (The word in bold red is where I thought the trouble was located. I love this line and the image it conveys, but it is the longest line in your poem and I think if you were to lessen it by a syllable or two it will flow better. It will not change the idea or integrity of your line if you were to remove this word, but it would flow a little more cleanly.)

Our union will last, continuing from the altar (Again, a good line, but I think the problem was with the word "continuing". It seems a little clumsy in this line and I think it's because of the "ing" sound. Perhaps, if you were to conjugate the word differently it might help. I found the line sounded better with "continues", rather than "continuing".

These are just minor suggestions from a humble reviewer. This is your poem and you should do with it as you see fit.

Overall Impressions:

I think you have a well-written poem with some nice imagery throughout. I would like to see it set apart from other poems by a newer format and maybe see you rework those two lines, but other than those minor details, great writing. You express yourself well. Good read.

porcelaindoll

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#1522678

Review of Forgiven Pain

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (3.5)

I just came across your poem in my nightly travels through writing.com, and thought I'd take some time to review it. Please do not be discouraged by the rating.

Title/Description:

Every work's title needs to be eye-catching, something that will persuede your reader to continue reading. You have that with Forgiven Pain. Very interesting title. It made me want to find out more. Good job.

Format:

The format of your work is just as important as the poem, itself. Done right, it will give your poem its own distinct personality. This will allow your poem to stand out amongst all the rest, allow it to define itself in a sea of poetry. Your poem, as it stands, looks like a block of words. I don't mean that to be harsh. I just think that if you were to center your poem, divide it into separate stanzas of equal # of lines, or any number of other options, you will be doing more justice to your words. Make it stand out.

Grammar:

Grammar is the glue that holds your sentences together. Always doublecheck and make sure you have proper sentence structure and punctuation. Any errors may cause problems with the flow of your poem and may cause confusion for your reader.

Needs A Comma/Apostrophe:

Her head is spinning the pain it lasts (I would suggest a comma after spinning)

She can’t forget she really tries (comma after forget)

Her past was bad her futures worse (comma after bad and change futures to future's)

families ( should be familie's )

She stumbles falls and hits ground hard (comma after stumbles)

She needs to search she needs to see (comma after search)

She sits and cries there’s no where to go (should be nowhere)

The pain is gone she stops and grins (comma after gone)

Fix those up and you're on your way to an even better poem.

Content:

The content of your poem is pretty good. You have some nice lines and ideas, but the rhythm and flow is a little off. I found you had a nice rhyme scheme in the beginning, but lost it towards the middle and end. A poem can rhyme or it doesn't have to, but pick one or the other. The mix isn't working here.

Favorite Lines:

Her past was bad her futures worse
She blames it on a family curse (good rhyme scheme and flow in these lines)

Overall Impressions:You seem to be a very expressive individual with a lot of talent. I think if you were to fix up the punctuation and rhyme scheme, and if you were to play around with your format a little, you will have yourself a fine poem.

porcelaindoll

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#1520577

Review of "Tossed Around Life"

Review by porcelaindoll

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I found your poem while I was perusing the "static items" page. I generally pick apart every item I read.

Title:

A good title is essential to a good piece of writing. While the content is what should hold a reader's attention, it is the job of the title to catch the reader's attention. It should make the reader wonder about your item. It should make the reader curious enough to find out what your item is all about. You have a good title. It is unlike all the other's I have seen.

Format:

The format is the next thing that I look at in an item. The format should be commanding, worthy or your work. It should grab the reader's eye. It is what gives your poem it's unique personality and it is worthy of as much attention as the actual words of the poem. Usually, I advise an author to divide a poem into separate stanzas, but honestly, I think your poem works in this format. The lines are just short enough that they don't give the appearance of a "block of words". I think your format is very fitting for this work and for your words.

Content:

The content is the single most important aspect of the work, seeing as it is the physical manifestation of your emotions. I think your poem expresses some very strong ideas and emotions. Your words are simple, not at all heavy-handed or overloaded with imagery. They are blunt and thought-provoking.

Favorite lines:

1--Rolled straight to suicide (a very simple line, yet one that conveys a lot of emotion)

2--Pushed to the edge (again, very expressive)

Your words are easy to follow and easy to feel. Good job.

Grammar:

The more pride you take in your work, the more enjoyment the reader will experience while reading your item. Grammar is very important. Always proofread your item before posting it. You will want to check for typos, misplaced punctuation etc. I find it is often difficult to see the typos in our own work. I know I sometimes have trouble seeing them in my own because I know how the lines are supposed to be read so my brain sort of automatically translates everything appropriately as I'm reading, though there may be numerous errors. That's why I use the spell checker. It's a great tool.

1--Throwed upon love (thrown)

2--Remeber this way of life (remember)

You only had two minor typos, so that is good, but, again, doublecheck before posting.

Suggestions:

I think your poem, overall, has a good flow and rhythm to it. I did find a couple of lines that didn't work as well as the rest of the poem:

1--Skipped over happiness and

2--I feel pressured to cut and

3--People act in this manner and

In each of these lines I've pointed out the word "and". I truly believe that this word isn't necessary for the flow and understanding of your lines. It seems to be an added syllable that throws off the poem. I don't think, if you were to remove the word that it would change the idea or integrity of your work, but I do think it would flow a little more smoothly.

Overall Impressions:

This was a very raw piece of writing. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean, it is a work that exposes a very human side of yourself. It is a vulnerable work and that alone makes it great, for it is a difficult thing to share such deep emotions. I think this will be an even better piece when you fix up your typos. Overall, good job.

---porcelaindoll

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