First of all, and this may simply be an error of judgment on my part, but I recently studied ottava rima, and I was under the impression that ottava rima was similar to the italian octave, containing eight lines of iambic pentameter, with an abababcc rhyme scheme.
This may be some variation of the ottava rima that I haven't been exposed to, but regardless, there are some parts that I feel lacked the iambic flow that you were going for, especially in the second, third, and last lines.
This being said, I still enjoyed many parts of this poem. I thought you had some very good word choice in many places, creating some good moods throughout the piece.
Conceptually, I still don't know what I think. There are two ways I read it. The first was as a satire, being revealed in the last line with this one shining instance of belief, and faith in some sort of salvation. If this is so, then I commend you. You build up this mood of existential angst, and you parrot these nihilistic ideals, and then right at the end you hit the reader in the face with this beauty, and refer to those faithful people as "eccentrics". I think that's beautiful.
But there is that nagging worry in my head that this is simply a piece about nihilism and existentialism, sending a message that life is simply us spending time on earth, and "nothing really matters." If that's the case, then it's been done... many many times over.
I will still hold onto the belief that you were trying to send the first message, but my problem is, it is not as clear as it could be. I got an impression, but I was not 100% sure which direction you were headed. If it is indeed satire, play it up, make sure we know it's satire, and that will make your conclusion even more brilliant and hopeful.
I am looking forward to see what you do with this. Overall, I think it's shaping up to be a very funny, moving piece. Keep working at it. |
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