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1
1
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Just dropped by to offer a review. Please take the feedback for what it is worth - just one writer's opinion!

WHAT I LIKED:
Just a cute story overall
Imagery was great. My favorite was the boy hanging from the rope trying to pull up his trunks. I suspect you had someone specific in mind when you wrote that scene.*Wink*
Dialogue: Great use of dialogue to move the story along.

SUGGESTIONS:
Tighten - just a few spots. Example: "I read that the other night...." Could be deleted.
Verb Tense: "Zach remembered his cousin Jack stayed the night." Should be "had stayed..."
Pronoun: "Jack’s swim shorts slipped from his waist, and the piggy bank dropped out of Jack’s hands..." Change second Jack to his.

OVERALL I loved this story! Your creativity shines through and you have a mastery of the English language too many writer's lack!


Full disclosure: I am reviewing my daughter's work. I am obviously super proud to see her using her talent!
2
2
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I love humorous holiday stories, even if they are fiction.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Characterization — I really liked that Pete was not physically perfect. I also liked that he saw Bettie's parents in a different light and that perhaps he could help her see them that way too. Too often our view gets colored by our perceptions and it's hard to see beyond that.

2.) Family dynamics — I thought you managed to capture these rather eloquently. I bet you get asked if this is based on your family: hence the "This is FICTION" disclaimer.

3.) Irony — She ends up meeting the love of her life at a family dinner.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) I saw the relationship with Pete coming a mile away. Not that this is a problem——just an observation.

2.) I really did have an aunt Betty Davis.... *Smile*

3.) The comedy factor was amusing but not laugh-out-loud. Of course, this is strictly a personal opinion.

GRAMMAR

1.) Verb tense — Switch to past perfect tense whenever it is an ongoing action in the past. Example: "I had all my life." Instead: "I had had all my life."

2.) Spacing — Example: " I am in a...." Instead: "I am...."

3.) Comma between independent clauses — Example: "Chicago and my sister...." Instead: "Chicago, and my...."

PARTING COMMENTS Cute story.

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3
3
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. Since many of your other stories have great imagery, I looked forward to one written about this time of year.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Characterization — I liked the way the two characters talked in fragments, which illustrated how neither really knew what to say.

2.) Imagery — Favorite: "scattered the fallen leaves on the water."

3.) Plot — It was beautiful how nature led the father down the path to forgiveness.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Formatting — inconsistent spacing between paragraphs.

2) Characterization — The mother doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction other than displaying shock. She does seem to try to persuade her husband to accept her daughter but again this doesn't seem very emotional. I would suggest adding onto the scene where she settles Fran in. She could take her up to her old room, give her sheets, and reach out to push back a stray hair of Fran's but then pull back as if afraid of rejection. After she leaves the bedroom, she could close the bedroom door and even have a few silent tears. These are just a few suggestions to heighten the emotional charge of the story.

GRAMMAR

1.) Verb tense — Example: "a full year did not pass...." Instead "a full year had not passed...."

PARTING COMMENTS I loved the concept of the story and the nature setting.

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4
4
Review of The Skull  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Nasty ghosts? Sounds intriguing.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Imagery — Favorite: "the trees stood shivering, crackling, and naked...." I thought this was beautiful.

2.) Plot — I liked how the gypsy mother communicated with her daughter.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Plot — I doubt Martha would be allowed to start her candy striping immediately——all that paperwork and parental permission. Plus, no way would a candy striper be given access to someone with an unknown contagion. Also, wouldn't that kind of skin disease be a huge deal? I can just see the CDC swarming in on little Nora's Creek and quarantining everyone.

GRAMMAR

1.) M-dash — Example: "angels--only" These look like two hyphens strung together? I know the m-dash never looks long enough either, which is why I always put two of them together. Instead: "angels——only" Tip: Hold down the alt key and simultaneously type 0151 to get a clear m-dash.

2.) Introducing a list — Example: "anything; the teachers..." Instead of a semicolon use either a colon or an m-dash. "anything——the...."

3.) Word Choice — Example: "snuggling into her snorkel...." Snorkel? Isn't that a tube used to breathe underwater? Since she's trudging through the snow along a creek bank, this doesn't make sense here. Could this be a colloquialism common to your area?

4.) Spelling — Example: "shopping back." Instead: "shopping bag."

PARTING COMMENTS With some revising of the plot issue mentioned above and some minor editing problems, the story has the potential to be quite good.

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5
5
Review of BREAD  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I have a soft spot for stories about the Holocaust, so I couldn't wait to read this one.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Humor — Favorites: "little schnitzel." and the engagement scene with the dough. That was easy to visualize.

2.) Voice — the voice of the narrator is strong and clear. There is humor laced with seriousness. I also thought the feeling of distance comes through as well. That is authentic to anyone who is older and telling about events from a long time ago. The emotion is there but it is muted.

3.) Title — I loved how the title fits so well and how bread is woven throughout her memories. At every stage of her life, those connections pull the reader along right with the main character.
It's funny but food really does often play a central part in many of our memories.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Point of view — Just a personal opinion, but I find questions at the end directed to the reader to be distracting from the story.

2.) I wanted to slap the teacher.

GRAMMAR

1.) Comma between independent clauses — Example: "bread and I...." Instead: "bread, and I...."

PARTING COMMENTS I really enjoyed this story and how the memories all connected to food. I'm giving this a 5 star rating, and I don't do that very often.

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6
6
Review of Fairy’s Favor  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Joy Author Icon of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I loved the description as this tooth fairy did almost get caught.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I suspect that this poem will bring a smile to any reader's face. I had to smile as it brought to my memory the time I was almost caught. I was bent over my son's head as I was blindly searching for his tooth. He woke up and asked me what I was doing. I just smiled and said, "Giving you a kiss goodbye." Since I usually left for work in the wee hours of the morning, he believed me. Phew!

2.) I like that this is first person told from the point of view of the child. Gives it a playful feel.

3.) I loved the description of the tooth fairy. Favorite: "sulking on Mommy's palm"

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Confusion — "stopped to play." This may be one of those "I am really over-analyzing things", but I wasn't sure what image this was portraying. She holds up the tooth and then stops to play? Is is possible this is suppose to be "stopped my play"?

TECHNICAL

1.) Rhyme — Follows a rhyme scheme of aabb - no major issues.

2.) Rhythm — Rhythm is strong and consistent.

PARTING COMMENTS What a charming poem that made me really think about my own children and tooth fairy encounters.

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7
7
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Andrew Author Icon

FIRST IMPRESSIONS The description made me wonder what was meant by "I knew but never knew."

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Imagery — Favorite: "their clarion call was a single word." Considering the musical references in the story, this was a great word choice.

2.) Plot — Great job of portraying the dichotomy of a funeral: the underlying grief and horror conflicting with the reunions and joy of old memories.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Point of View — Switching point of view within a short story is difficult because the reader needs time to connect to the character. Switching jerks the readers away from one character and puts them in the head of another. In this case, it was more troublesome because it switches from first person to a third person. Every time it did I kept thinking, "How could he possibly know this?" If you want to maintain the switching, maybe experiment with making the narrator a third person. That might make it a little less jarring.

2.) Characterization — At first, I did not understand that the narrator was a teenager, and I had a little trouble figuring out that Lynn was Mrs. Ambrose. I even flipped back to the first page to see if I had missed something. This may be because to you the writer these people are real, and it is obvious to you who they are and what their relationships are. I would suggest expanding the opening scene so that these things can be made clearer.

3.) Disclaimer — No need for a long winded explanation and example of how you changed things. It's enough to say that the story was based on real events though names and some events have been changed.

GRAMMAR

1.) Possessives — Rule: add ('s) for singular nouns no matter the ending. Incorrect: Mr. Ambroses' death. Correct Mr. Ambrose's death.

PARTING COMMENTS Thank you for sharing this difficult memory. I suspect it could be much more powerful and much more emotional if one point of view was maintained.

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8
8
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for L. Stephen O'Neill Author Icon of House Targaryen.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Well, the description made me think of Chaucer from the movie A Knight's Tale. LOL! Sometimes my mind goes in the strangest directions. I shall endeavor not to allow that silly image to color my reading of this tale.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Great imagery. Favorite: "low gray sky hung lower and lower..."

2.) Unlike most bards, Hunter was multi-demensional. Instead of being the stereotypical bard who is a bit wimpy, Hunter is also an accomplished hunter.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Vocabulary — I learned a new word: skald. Thanks!

2.) Internal thoughts — There is no need to add a "thought Hunter" after every italics thought. The reader will understand that it is his internal thoughts they are reading.

3.) What happened to the first village? I kept expecting to discover that Murchadh had something to do with it but it was never mentioned again.

GRAMMAR

1.) Comma splice — Avoid using commas to join two complete sentences. Example: "strong, he...." Instead: "strong; he...." Since these two sentences are closely related a semicolon will work here.

2.) Verb Tense — Example: "he hoped...." Instead: "he had hoped...."

3.) Capitalization — Seasons are not capitalized: winter.

PARTING COMMENTS I would love to hear more of Hunter's tales and travels.

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9
9
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Smee Author Icon of House Targaryen.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Though I rarely review poetry, I am a huge Star Trek fan. I've come across several of these tributes to Leonard Nemoy written as a part of a contest, and I can't wait to read this one.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I loved how the poem progressed with running dialogue. That made the poem unique and also brought back a lot of memories for this Trekkie. I could just hear Spock talking.

2.) Favorite line — "Fascinating, Jim." What an iconic statement.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) The break at the end to talking to Leonard Nemoy was a bit jarring for me. The poem seems to be focused on the character of Spock, so I would suggest changing Leonard to Spock. In other words: stay in character.

TECHNICAL

1.) Rhyme — Poem follows a scheme of abcb and holds this fairly well.

2.) Rhythm — At times there seems to be a natural rhythm but then it loses it and really seems forced. However, keep in mind that this is one of my biggest weaknesses so take this comment under that consideration.

PARTING COMMENTS The use of common Star Trek phrases really takes readers on a journey where "No poet has gone before."

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10
10
Review of The Steps  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Jim Author Icon of House Martell.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I don't normally review satire but the description caught my eye.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I loved the opening description, especially since it sat in the middle of a modern city.

2.) Great use of personification. I particularly liked the naming system and how each had a personality and a history of its own.

3.) "deep baritone voice of the wall...." My favorite description.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) No real suggestions — perhaps a few of the flashbacks could be expanded to provide a bit more description. However, I don't know that it is necessary.

GRAMMAR

1.) Commonly confused words: lead vs. led. Example: "them lead up...." Instead: "them led up...."

2) Comma splices — Avoid joining two independent sentences with a comma. Example: "now, don’t...." Instead: "now. Don't..."

3.) Comma in direct address — When using a name in speaking directly to someone, set off that name on both sides with a comma. Example: "right Four, we are...." Instead "right, Four; we are..." I changed the comma after the name to a semicolon because it is actually another comma slice and should end as a sentence.

PARTING COMMENTS A great piece with a solid message: each of us has value.

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11
11
Review of The Visitor  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS When I first saw the title and the description, I wasn't sure how the two connected.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Ahhhh, when he said he didn't know about the past, but he knew he loved her now, my heart melted. Then when he said he would go to sleep just to "rush the morning light." What a sweet ending.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Formatting — Paragraphs should be indented 1/2 inch. These look like maybe the space bar was used?

GRAMMAR

1.) Verb tense — Example: "what he came...." Instead: "he had come...." Example: "hobbies he had...." Instead: "he had had...." Any time the narrator talks about an on-going past activity that did not have a specific beginning and end, switch to the past perfect tense.

2.) Tighten — Look for unnecessary words or phrases. Example: " He stirred in his bed, and as he did this she looked up...."

3.) Commas with introductory phrases — Example: "her finger she left...." Instead "finger, she...."

4.) Spell-check error — Example: "her check...." Instead: "her cheek...."

5.) Run-on — Example: "him One...." Instead: "him. One...."

PARTING COMMENTS This was such a sweet story that renews the reader's faith in love and mankind.

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12
12
Review of "UNGH!"  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Angus Author Icon of House Night's Watch.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Family reunions can be horror stories in themselves. (Warning: Spoiler Alert — Don't read on if you plan to read this story.)

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Loved the title.

2.) What a cold-blooded thing to do. I loved it! (Not sure what that says about me. *Bigsmile*)

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Point of view — In such a short story, it is often better to tell the story from just one character's point of view. Readers have a limited time to connect to characters, and this can help ensure that they connect to at least one character. The opening seems to start from Ben's point of view but then switches quickly to his wife's. How would the opening scene be different if it was told from hers? There are also points later in the story that seems to shift back to Ben's point of view. Example: "Ben felt...." Jill should only be able to see what is happening to Ben.

2.) I know sometimes in contest entries there are often word count maximums to contend with. However, I would love to see this story expanded. Prior to the big scene, it might intensify the conflict if the reader could see more of Jill's anxiety through dialogue and actions. There could even be an exchange between Jill and Tracy that might shed more light on the subject.

3.) Plot Point — I'm not sure that I buy that Mike has hated Tracy all this time. I mean, the football game happened over 20 years ago and Mike still married her. That seems like a long time to plot their demise, even for a cold-blooded killer. Now, I could see it as an excuse but there would have to be more background to build this idea.

GRAMMAR

1.) No major grammar errors. Dialogue flows well.

PARTING COMMENTS Well, I'm not sure Mike thought this one through. I wonder how he is planning to get away with it?

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13
13
Review of Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I really was not sure what to expect with this story. Though I don't normally find a factory setting to be intriguing, I decided to give it a whirl anyway.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I loved the personification given to the internal conflict that Robert seems to be having. I especially thought the names were very revealing.

2.) I liked the suggestion that our dreams may reveal a lot about us—a lot more than we are sometimes willing to admit even to ourselves.

3.) I found it amusing that certain emotions were up to mischief and no good.

4.) The fact that Amnesia forgot to leave an on call number is hilarious. I actually chuckled out loud.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.)I found it particularly revealing that Stoicism was the foreman. The dictionary defines a stoic as someone who represses emotions and is indifferent to pleasure or pain. In this short story, that seems to indeed be Stoicisms job. He has to repress all of those emotions that are conflicting.

2.) Though I found the piece to be somewhat amusing, I never really felt engaged. However, this might be because I tend to gravitate toward more emotional or adventurous pieces.

GRAMMAR

1.) Spelling — Numbers under 10 should be spelled out as a word. Example: "at 3 in the morning...." Instead: "at three in the morning...."

PARTING COMMENTS Though short, this piece was an amusing allegory for the emotional battle that often goes on within each of us.

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14
14
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for Sandy~HopeWhisperer Author Icon.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I love a good ghost story, and this has the makings of a great one.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) "A snicker came from deep in the darkness." This sent cold chills down MY spine.

2.) Loved the scene where the narrator is feeling around in the darkness. That was a bit creepy because I thought she was going to grab something like a snake or a spider.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Consider putting direct thoughts in italics.

2.) Avoid the cliché plot points like slamming doors. I think in almost every ghost story I have ever read there has been a slamming door. I almost rolled my eyes until I realized I've written the exact same thing and had no room to talk! LOL! It's hard sometimes in a genre like ghost stories to avoid these types of clichés, but I know I'll be watching for them more in the future. Thanks!

3.) I was confused with the introduction of the character Lizzie. Was she a neighbor girl from the narrator's childhood?

4.) Perhaps more time could be spent describing the dreams that seem to be haunting the narrator. This might help to strengthen the narrator's motivation for going into the house. It might also set up why she was carrying a Rosary and holy water. For me it was just a little too convenient that the holy water was in her pocket because she had purchased it a couple days ago. However, if there is a conflict established early between the narrator's Catholic upbringing and her drive to investigate the house, it would make perfect sense for her to come prepared.. You could also have the narrator have flashbacks to her dreams. For example, she might have dreamed about the ball bouncing down the stairs, and it could really freak her out when it happens.

GRAMMAR

1.) Sentence Variety: Avoid starting sentences with the same word. For example, look at your first paragraph. How many sentences start with "she"? Can you revise for variety?

2.) Tighten Sentence Structure: Look for places that are repetitive or unnecessary. Eliminating them will increase the pace of the story. For example, "Arial picked up the chain and lock that threatened to disintegrate which held the gate together." The readers will assume that the lock and gate are holding the gate together, so there is no need to tell them that.

3.) Use commas to set off introductory phrases: For example: "the first step the flame...." Instead "step, the...."

4.) Run-on sentence: "the Rosary she feared...." Instead "Rosary. She...."

PARTING COMMENTS This is a great start to a creepy, riveting ghost story. I really hope you finish it.

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15
15
Review of Ithareal  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window., for brom21.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

First Impressions

*Flagbr* Being caught in a dream world is a common theme so I was intrigued to find out how you would handle this. I wanted to know how you would make it different?

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

What I Liked

*Flagbr* I liked that you had a spirit guide helping the narrator. This was what truly made this story unique.

*Flagbr* I loved your description of the glowing orbs and the tormented souls.

*Flagbr* I liked the explanation that the narrator was actually trapped in the mind of an evil person. It reminded me a bit of Nightmare on Elm Street.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Suggestions

*Flagbr* Tighten your prose to create a faster pace and better flow. Example: "The glowing sphere retreated from the presence of the man and backed away." If he retreated, didn't he back away? Also look for those pesky "ly" words. Most of the time, they can be replaced by stronger verbs. "Suddenly a wave of fear came over me...." Instead try "A wave of fear engulfed me..."

*Flagbr* It is always better to show rather than tell, especially regarding emotions. Example: "I was afraid to jump and I held up my sweaty hands and screamed." This is a good example of giving your readers some credit; your basic description is good so your readers will understand that the narrator is frightened.

*Flagbr* I would love to see more descriptions of the dream world. What was the Tower of Strife like? The narrator mentions a spiraling staircase but was it old and crumbling? How tall was it? I was a bit confused by "at last we had made it to the top." The ascent was described as a short one but the "at last" implies that it took a long time. Also was the narrator out of breath? Also what was the being like? Dress? Did he float on the ground?

*Flagbr* Plot suggestion: if you were looking to expand this story, maybe the narrator could struggle with the evil mind he had traveled to? That might create a tremendous amount of conflict and tension.

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Grammar

*Flagbr* Avoid doubling punctuation as it is a distraction to the reader. Example: "here?!" If you want to add emphasis, do so with a speaker tag "'here?' screamed...."

*Flagbr* Word Choice = "read deeper" Did you mean "reach deeper?"

*Flagbr* Use a comma to separate two independent clauses (sentences). Example: "he meant and I felt...." Instead "meant, and I...."

*Crown* *Crown* *Crown*

Parting Comments

*Flagbr* I do think there is potential here because having the guardian act as a guide was unique. With some editing/revising that includes more descriptive detail, tighter prose and more tension, you could have a fantastic story.


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16
16
Review of The stalker  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
DEAR DIANE,

I am reviewing "The stalker" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Review Forum.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: In this flash fiction, a stalker watches his prey, making the reader squirm with anticipation or something else?

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot twist: I don't want to give anything away, but I didn't see the ending coming—even though all of the clues are there. It truly is one of those pieces where you read it and think, "What?" Then when you reread it, you have to admit that you should have seen it coming. Those are the best plot twists. Bravo!

*Check* Verb Tense: Normally, I do not personally care for stories written in present tense. However, I do believe that you chose wisely with this one. The present tense pulls the reader in and ratchets up the tension. I tried switching the verbs to past tense and rereading it. It just does not have the same effect.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Word Choice: There is a suggestiveness throughout the piece that had me raising my eyebrow. I actually felt a little uncomfortable or dare I say perverted when reading it? *Wink* Then the ending.... Loved it.

*Check* Description: "I press in closer still, the hairs on my body standing on end." Made me shiver.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Am I correct in assuming that this was written for flash fiction? I would suggest that you label it as such to avoid reviewers, especially newbies, from dinging you because it is too short.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Multiple Comma Splices: "She sees me, screams, her foot comes toward me." Two independent clauses cannot be joined with a comma. I do like the rhythm of this though, so maybe use a semicolon instead?

*Check1* Awkward Structure: "into shoes two sizes small." This phrase kept bugging me, but to be honest, I'm not sure it is a technical error. Perhaps, it should read "two sizes too small." Just something to consider if other reviewers mention it.

*Check1* Comma Error: " I scramble to retreat but it is too late." Should be a comma "retreat, but..."

BOTTOM LINE: An absolutely delightful piece! With the great tension and misdirection, this makes for a fantastic short read. I loved it.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


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"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
17
17
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
DEAR SPARKYVACDR,

I am reviewing "Lost... On the dark side of the library!" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story takes the reader into a library and then leaves them afraid to ever go back.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot — What a clever plot line.

*Check* Narrator — I liked having the narrator as someone who eavesdropped and then witnessed poor Sara's fate.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Description — I loved the description of the reflected books. It made me almost wonder if there are any such shelves at my library. I hope not! *Shock*

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Dialogue conventions — I found that the lack of quotation marks made following who was speaking very difficult. I had to backtrack several times just to make sure I knew who was speaking. I would suggest that using quotation marks would clear up much of the confusion. It would also eliminate the need for italics when the action shifts back to the other side of the shelves. Typically, italics in such stories are used for internal thoughts of a character. Finally, it might help if speaker tags were established much earlier. We meet Bill in the second paragraph, but we do not identify Jim until half-way through the story.

*Check* Plot — One thing did confuse me. Why do Jim and Bill have to come back the next day to prove that the portal works? Why not right then and there?

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Commas in direct address — When a speaker uses a person's name in direct address, the name should be set off with a comma.
                   Incorrect: "Bill I saw it!"
                   Correct: "Bill, I saw it!"

*Check* Paragraphing with Dialogue — Keep the speaker tag with the dialogue
                   Incorrect: "There was a pause and a stifled sound. Jim said," Then Jim's dialogue is on the next line.
                   Correct: "There was a pause and a stifled sound.
                                       "Bill...tomorrow you....," Jim said.

*Check* Quotation Marks — Though not an error, using quotation marks to emphasize a word is typically frowned upon. Most experts consider it to be cliché and suggest using italics instead. Hence another problem created by using italics to show the switches in scenes.

*Check* Common Errors — 1.) its vs. it's 2.) wont vs. won't

BOTTOM LINE: I would love to see this story follow more conventional methods of dialogue. For me personally, much of the mood was lost in trying to figure out who was speaking and which side of the shelf the action was on.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


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"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
18
18
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
DEAR Cherokee Rose,

I am reviewing "Grandfather's Tall Tale" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story brings two brothers face-to-face with proof that their Grandfather's Tall Tale was no imaginary tale. WARNING: Some of the comments below contain unavoidable spoilers.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Dialogue — The dialogue between the two brothers is very natural.

*Check* Characterization — I thought the two brothers interacted in a very believable manner. This may have been aided by the dialogue mentioned above.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Imagery — I loved your description of the waterfall; it was breathtaking. I even wondered if this was a real place.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Adverbs — Though adverbs can serve a purpose, they are often either unnecessary or a poor substitute for a better verb. For example "Come on!" I demanded irritably. "Will you please hurry?" Instead consider this version: "Come on!" I ground out. "Will you puh-lease hurry?" Even without changing the verb, the speaker's irritation is obvious, making the clarifier "irritably" unnecessary. If you want to emphasize the irritation, up the ante on the verb with a choice such as "ground out." You could also emphasize the please by using italics or changing the pronunciation such as "puh-lease...." With the latter, the teenager's irritation is crystal clear. Try this exercise. First, print out your story and highlight all of the adverbs; this will help you see exactly how much you rely on adverbs. Second, go through and delete all of the adverbs you can without changing the meaning. You will find that many of them do not add anything of value. Third, for those remaining adverbs, take a closer look at the verbs in those sentences. Can you use more accurate verbs that will do the job of the adverbs? You will find that by eliminating the majority of your adverbs your writing will be tighter and far more powerful.

*Check* Plot — At one point the narrator blocks Bigfoot's access to Ty, but then in the next sentence the Bigfoot is examining Ty and picking him up. At some point, the narrator has to move or was moved by the Bigfoot.

*Check* Plot — Now keep in mind that what I'm about to say is a subjective matter of opinion. However, I loved this story all the way up until the Bigfoot became a Good Samaritan. At that point, I found it impossible to buy into the civilized version of the creature. Again, that's a matter of opinion. It is your story, and you have the right to characterize Bigfoot anyway you want. In fact, it's a rather creative take on the subject. Just know that this kind of divergence from what is generally accepted can create issues of believability for the reader. I would only suggest that you give it any weight if other reviewers also comment on it. Then you will need to decide whether you want to stay true to your original concept or if you should find a way to revise that will be both believable and satisfying to you. It's a tough call, and only you the writer can make that decision.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Punctuating Dialogue — When separating a statement from the speaker tag, use a comma.
                   Incorrect: "Almost." Ty replied....
                   Correct: "Almost," Ty replied....

*Check* Commas — Use a comma to separate an introductory clause from the independent clause.
                   Incorrect: "When we arrived at camp Bigfoot...."
                   Correct: "When we arrived at camp, Bigfoot...."

BOTTOM LINE: I suspect that eliminating some of the adverbs will turn this into a great story.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


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"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
19
19
Review of Holding a Grudge  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
DEAR Sca,

I am reviewing "Holding a Grudge" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A brief scene in which a man finds himself embroiled in a fight where things go too far. Though issues with paragraphing dialogue make much of it difficult to follow there is the potential for an extended story.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot — There was definite tension with the bar fight scene.

*Check* Setting — The bar scene is well-described and easy to visualize.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "with a sickening thud...." This foreshadows the outcome perfectly.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Paragraphing Rules — Whenever the speaker changes to another person, a new paragraph must be created. Because this rule is not followed, I found it very difficult to follow who was speaking and as a result the plot line. I would suggest that you spend some time reviewing dialogue punctuation and paragraphing. I think you will be amazed at how much better your writing will be received because readers can then follow it. Here are a couple of links to websites that I find helpful: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/... and http://www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the-day/write-... You might also check out the classes offered by "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. here on WDC. They may have classes on writing dialogue.

*Check* Plot — I would love to see this extended so that the tension can be built between the narrator and Tom. Give the reader more time to care about the narrator and to feel the tension mounting. Maybe Mallory can have a flashback to his dealings with Tom and the ex-girlfriend? Make the reader think, "Uh oh! This is not going to end well."

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check*Commas between two independent clauses — Whenever there are two independent clauses (AKA-sentences) joined by a coordinating conjunction and comma should be used before the conjunction. Incorrect: "Harry's bar and it was...." Correct: "bar, and...."

*Check* Colon — Use a colon to introduce a list following a noun. Incorrect: "ten in the pub, two under...." Correct "ten in the pub: two under...."

*Check* Careless Errors — Carefully proofread for errors that will not be caught by spell check. 1.) "the the" 2.) then vs. than

BOTTOM LINE: This is a great start to a story that has potential to really pump up the tension. Editing to correct paragraphing issues and adding to the length will help tremendously.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


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"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance
20
20
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
DEAR LIAM,

Hello! I am reviewing this poem as a judge for the PDG Alumni Challenge. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion. *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION: This was a poem about a cowboy "just lookin' for fun." I have to ask — Was your inspiration the song "Whiskey for My Men and Beer for My Horses?" Loved that song.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Dialogue - Yes, dialogue within a poem. It was perfect and actually created the tension as reader can feel how intimidated the bartender must have felt.

*Check* Characterization - Why could I not get Clint Eastwood out of my head as I read this? I think it was this line: "His spurs gave a jingle that made my skin tingle" or it might have been the "permanent frown".

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "His face had been fried into leathery hide."

TECHNICAL:

*Check* Rhyme - ABCB Pattern followed consistently. Plus, there was an internal rhyme scheme occurring within some of the lines that really amplified the sense of rhythm.

*Check* Rhythm - As already noted, this was very strong. I especially liked the forced pause in this line "he added a brief, 'this'll do.'" This broke up the chant rhythm and prevented the poem from becoming sing-song.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* None - BRAVO!

BOTTOM LINE: Thank you for submitting your cowboy narrative. You rose to the challenge, & I commend you!


*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

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Pepper



"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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21
21
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
DEAR MATT the EXAM MONSTER,

I am reviewing "Dream Sequance: Fatale" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This piece appears to be an outline of a much longer piece or, based on the subtitle, three shorter titles. As such, I am going to review it with that precept in mind.

STRENGTHS:

*Check*Inspiration - I am fascinated by the idea that you actually had a dream like this. Do you really remember that much detail? Taking your dreams and turning them into works of fiction is a fantastic idea.

*Check*Plot - I confess that much of this was confusing, but I think I grasped enough to understand that the two lovers are torn apart by outside conflicts. I suspect that after this is written out that there will be plenty of material to escalate the tension.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "called me to this private, cold sanctuary." Creates a creepy, sinister feel.

*Check*"I had thawed him."

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Formatting - The intent of this piece is very confusing. As I said in my overall impression, I was not entirely sure how to approach reviewing the piece. If I take it as a "complete" story then I would have to rate it much lower. However, viewing it as only an outline, changes my emphasis on certain things such as story arc versus worrying about grammar issues. I would suggest that you add an intro that explains the purpose of the piece so that other readers avoid this confusion.

*Check*Details - Much of my confusion comes from a lack of details and transition. For example, I did not understand the reference to the academy, the old maid who died,or R.& H to name just a few. I felt like I was reading something for which I had absolutely no background knowledge at all. I also did not understand why the narrator was thrown in jail. Since this is central to the conflict and the reason the narrator's lover goes wild, I would suggest that this be fleshed out more. Even if you are using this as simply a rough outline, this seems like a pivotal point.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Careless Errors (May be just a reflection of the fact that this is an outline.)
         "He starts to thake me...." Should be take.
         "began the dancefor a season." Should be "dance for...."
         "century of beingforgotten...." Should be "being forgotten...."
         "the plain of his cheek,...." Should be plane.

*Check* Commas between independent clauses (sentences)
         Incorrect - "He said he loved me and I was his."
         Correct - "me, and I...."

BOTTOM LINE: This piece has potential, & I may be misunderstanding the intent. If that is the case, then I apologize. However, I'm afraid there were just too many missing details for me to rate this very high. I also did not feel like I had enough information to evaluate the overall story arc.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance

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22
22
Review of Moments in Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
DEAR KIYASAMA,

I am reviewing "Moments in Time" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: The story very accurately captures the dynamics of a divorced family and even brings the reader to tears at times.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - I found myself being pulled so completely into Melissa's character that I teared up whenever she did. For me, that is the ultimate litmus test for a character. If I feel what the character feels, then the author has done a fantastic job.

*Check* Plot - Accurately, captures the conflict that exist between a divorced couple and a child who is neglected by one parent. Often the parent who is involved becomes the "bad guy." Nicely done.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "I find myself eating alone while he's locked away in his bedroom." Just such a poignant image.

*Check* "the hot tears that filled my eyes and begin to trail down my cheeks." Okay, I confess that I teared up over this image.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization - I was confused by the reference to "Gary Grant." At first, I was sure that you meant Cary Grant as this switch often occurs. However, I did a little Google search and found that there really is a Gary Grant. So, then I was wondering if this was the reference. Now, whichever was intended is not really my point, but it did cause me considerable confusion which was distracting. Of course, *Blush* this may just be my ignorance speaking, so I would suggest that you watch for this issue with others who review this piece. If others make the same mistake, a name change might be in order.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Comma between independent clauses - When using a coordinating conjunction to join two independent sentences, use a comma before the conjunction.
         Incorrect "he begins and I bite my tongue...."
         Correct "begins, and I...."

*Check*End punctuation - only one punctuation mark should be used at a time (?!). When an author combines two it does not add emphasis, but actually distracts the reader because now the reader is drawn to the punctuation and not the meaning of what is said.

*Check* Awkward Sentence Structure - "My only and precious son hates me,...." For some reason, I stumbled over this opening line every time I read it. I would suggest eliminating "only and" and open with "My precious son hates me,...." You can easily establish that he is an only child later in the story.

*Check* Em Dash - Use an Em Dash when a speaker interrupts another speaker. (Just a neat tip I came across: to form the em dash, hold down the alt key and type in on the number pad 0151. When you release, the em dash will appear. Also no spaces are needed between the dash and the word.)
         Incorrect "let alone..."
         "...spending it with your...."
         Correct "let alone—"
         "—spending it...."

BOTTOM LINE: I love it when a piece brings tears to my eyes! Nicely done.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

"A writer is someone who has written today." J.A. Jance

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23
23
Review of Please Choose Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
DEAR DIANE,

I am reviewing "Please Choose Me" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION: The strong characterization in this story makes it easy to connect and Jeremy will tug at the heart strings of the reader.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Characterization - Little Jeremy is just precious. I had no problems picturing this little guy sitting down at the top of the stairs waiting for a family. I almost pictured a little Opie from The Andy Griffith Show.

*Check* Plot - I found the idea of this little boy spying on his would-be mother and endearing idea. I'm curious if you have any personal connections to adoption b/c you nail the essence of the emotions.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* I loved how Jeremy went tearing into the office stuttering about his love of animals and then is overcome by his shyness.

*Check* "He sat back, legs dangling from the orange armchair...." Awe.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Point of View - Most of the story is told from Jeremy's point of view, but there is one momentary shift to Mariana's that is distracting. "Mariana sensed the boy had something to say. She was amused by...." Because Jeremy can't get inside Mariana's head, this creates a POV shift for the reader. I would suggest revising this section to keep the POV with Jeremy. Try, "Mariana leaned forward, waiting with a smile on her face." In most cases, one point of view is advisable in short fiction because it helps the reader bond with that character.

*Check*Plot - (SPOILER) Confession time. When I first read this, I was outraged that the reader does not find out if Jeremy is going to be adopted. But then.... I have found myself warming to it. There's something so poignant about Jeremy sitting there. Leaving the reader in suspense really connects the reader to Jeremy and his anxiety. So, I'm going to suggest that you consider revisiting the ending only if you receive other feedback on this matter.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Commas w/ between independent clauses - When joining two sentence with an coordinating conjunction, a comma is needed.
         Incorrect - "Tiffany closed the door behind him and he could...."
         Correct - "him, and he...."

*Check* Tighten - "From this vantage point he could watch the front door on the first floor." Since most front doors are on the first floor, most readers would make this assumption.

*Check* Punctuating Dialogue - "Mrs. Swift gave Jeremy a stern look, 'Now....'" Because the first part is not a speaker tag (such as Mrs. Swift said), a period should follow look. I suspect this may have been a typo since there are no other errors.

*Check* Misplaced Modifier -
         Incorrect - "He slipped down the stairs, his hand trailing down the wooden banister, after checking to make sure nobody was watching."
         Correct - "After checking..., he slipped down...."

BOTTOM LINE: A very nice vignette.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


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24
24
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
DEAR JOE,

I am reviewing "The Dark Side of the Moon" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION:Sci-Fi meets Edgar Allen Poe!

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot: Just overall fantastic. I especially liked how the story was brought back full circle (no pun intended) to end with Tom watching the sunrise. I also liked how his ultimate ending is foreshadowed with the dream. (I don't want to give anything away, but that was nicely done.) The constant beating was reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart as well. I just knew it was Bob and that Tom had to be somehow responsible for his death.

*Check* Characterization: You did a marvelous job of building the characterization of Tom. His slide into insanity is shown perfectly through his dreams, alcohol and drug abuse, and his hallucinations. Many writers will make the mistake of telling the author that Tom was losing his mind. You did not do that; you showed the reader. Bravo

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* Loved the title. Both the symbolic and the literal meaning!

*Check* Loved the scene where Tom and Bill share the funny story about the Porche. It was just an excellent way to show the reader that Tom is really losing touch with reality.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Formatting: 1.) Some of the paragraphs went a little long. You've got a fast paced story and a lengthy paragraph can slow it down. For example - "The Lunar Eye Space..." could have been two paragraphs. 2.) The paragraphing alternates between indenting and not. Because there are no spaces between paragraphs this can become distracting for a reader. Easily fixed and may just be a result of transfering it over from a word processing program.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Punctuating Dialogue: Use a comma when separating the quote from the speaker tag.
                   Incorrect - "I'm coming in now." Thorpe said...
                   Correct - "now," Thorpe said....

*Check* Commas with Introductory Phrases:
                   Incorrect - "As he passed the familiar surroundings of the station exterior he considered...."
                   Correct - "exterior, he considered...."

*Check* Commas with independent clauses: Use a comma when joining two sentences with a co-ordinating conjunction such as and or but.
                   Incorrect - "Several minutes passed and Thorpe stared edgily through...."
                   Correct - "passed, and Thorpe...."

*Check* Comma Splices: Avoid joining two independent clauses with a comma. Instead treat them as independent sentences.
                   Incorrect - "You know how hard it is to shut that thing manually, I swear you do it...."
                   Correct - "manually. I swear...."

*Check* Commas to set off direct address: When speaking directly to a person, always set the person's name off with a comma.
                   Incorrect - "I died Tom."
                   Correct - "I died, Tom."

*Check* Verb Tense shift: Be careful to remain in the same tense as the rest of the story.
                   Incorrect - "his wife gets...."
                   Correct - "his wife got...."

*Check* Commonly Confused Words
                   you're/your
                   resent/resentment

BOTTOM LINE: Overall this is a fantastic story with a solid plot line and great characterization. Unfortunately, grammar errors, especially run-ons and comma errors, interfer with reading and undermine the true value of this story. Thankfully, those can be fixed easily enough. Just a suggestion you might want to look into taking a class with New Horizon. Though the Winter Term is closed, I would recommend taking their class on commas the next available term. You would really enjoy it, and it would help you spot many of those troublesome comma issues. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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25
25
Review of Bluetooth Blues  Open in new Window.
Review by Pepper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
DEAR CAROL & MAX,

I am reviewing "Bluetooth Blues" Open in new Window. for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion! *Smile*

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Okay, confession time -- I was not expecting this to be so funny! As a former middle school teacher, I was expecting another teenage "drama", but I was laughing out loud by the time I was half-way through.

STRENGTHS:

*Check* Plot: The interweaving of the conversation between the teens, the voice from their bluetooth, and the other teens is a great set-up for comedy. Reminded me of some of the old Laurel & Hardy slapstick scenes.

*Check* Characterization: Christopher's image as a nerdy geek comes through very clear to the reader. The references to the acne and the use of the IM scene were well done.

*Check* Voice: When two authors write a piece, the voice can sometimes come across as a little disjointed; you can just tell it's written by two different people. With the exception of the first section, the rest of the piece seemed to flow seamlessly. I can even tell you that I forgot I was reading the work of two different people.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

*Check* "...marching triangles and parading parallelograms." Just found this image to be very whimsical.

*Check* Loved the scenes where the teens are talking to both the person on the bluetooth and the person in front of them. I laughed out loud in several places.

*Check* The IM scene was authentic and believable.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Check* Characterization: I wasn't sure that I bought that Roxanne and Lydia were friends. At least, not after I realized what an airhead Roxanne was and how smart Lydia was. Since this friendship doesn't further the story along, but Lydia does need to be introduced, I would suggest eliminating the reference to the friendship.

*Check* Plot: I was a bit confused by the transition into the last scene. In the previous, there was no indication that Lydia and Christopher had plans to meet and discuss a project. I got the impression she was trying to get him to do so, but he blew her off. However, the next scene opens with "... Christopher walked into the math-lab where Lydia had laid out her ideas for him to examine." It was also obvious that this scene occurs immediately following the previous b/c Lydia indicates she saw the whole scene with Roxanne from the window. That he would go looking for Lydia after the scene with Roxanne and that Lydia would know to layout her ideas and wait for him just doesn't make sense. I would suggest a comment be inserted into the scene between Lydia and Christopher that indicates he'll meet up with her later. "Look, can we talk about this at our study session in a few minutes?"

*Check* Plot: "I did it in ninth period study hall." As a former teacher, I can tell you that nine periods in one day is unheard of because it would make for one very long day. (LOL! They are long enough already!) The only way that might happen is if the periods were only 30 minutes long. Seven or six periods is more common.

*Check*Prose: 99% was great. I did, however, think the intro scene could be tightened up in several places. I guess I just felt like some of the descriptions were a little too much.

Example "He scowled in annoyance as Lydia's mouse-like form obscured his view of the lovely Roxanne, and he squirmed in his seat, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of her cat-like beauty. Her eyes glanced his way, and his heart quickened."

Instead try: He scowled as Lydia's mouse-like form obscured his view of Roxanne. Shifting, he strained to catch another glimpse, and when her cat-like eyes glanced his way, he felt his heart quicken." There's no need to tell the reader how beautiful Roxanne is. Christopher's desire to keep looking at her and the way his heart responds shows the reader that.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

*Check* Capitalization: Kudos on capitalizing Bluetooth! I wasn't too sure about that so I checked it out & Yahoo and AP both agree with you. Thanks for teaching me something!

*Check*Punctuation: I suspect I'm nitpicking on this one but I have a bias for hyphens, so... "Chris - whatever your name is, what..." I would change the comma to another hypen. That way there is consistency.

BOTTOM LINE:

A fantastic read that captures the angst of the male high school geek. Great for a laugh out loud read.

*BigSmile* HAPPY WRITING! *BigSmile*

Pepper


"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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